


When the heart speaks (English version)

by Mrs12A



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:55:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 79
Words: 178,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26714821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs12A/pseuds/Mrs12A
Summary: The story takes place after episode 2 of season 7. Bellamy has been captured...He starts to lose hope... There is only one thing left for him to do if it is still possible... He has to tell his story, their story... He has to tell him everything his heart has never dared. This may be his last chance...Through his story, he will start all over again from the beginning. ...She must know what he was thinking. ...She must know how much he loved her. He lets his heart speak(Read-only if you've already seen the series until the beginning of season 7. I take the real story, the real lines, the real facts...from Bellamy's point of view. There are only the first, last chapters in total AU as well as some scenes and little chapter after season 2, but otherwise, it follows exactly the series...just with Bellamy's thoughts  in addition )Also, English is not my native language. This story was originally written in French. So, I'm sorry about the mistakes this story might contain. I tried to do my best to translate it well.I hope that this point of view, these thoughts, will give you as much pleasure and emotion to read as I had to write them...Enjoy reading!
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Octavia Blake
Comments: 9
Kudos: 31





	1. So let's go back to the start

**Author's Note:**

> For what follows, I will take up all the moments that I think are important in the story of Bellarke or in the Bellamy/Octavia relationship, based on the series, on the real facts, by embroidering a little and slightly adapting some things not visible on the screen.
> 
> IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE SERIES I don't advise you to read it (unless you don't plan to watch it).
> 
> Here it is... I hope that my vision of Bellamy's thoughts will please you, will touch you... This character inspires me so much....
> 
> Of course, the characters, pretty all the dialogs and the general plot do not belong to me but are the only property of the series The 100 (which is for me, a big fan of series and movies, by far the best, the most complete ...)Good reading ( This is my very first fan fiction and any support will be welcome ^^)

Three days...Or maybe four. Three days I've been locked in that room. 3 days since I saw my sister literally evaporate, half-dead, in my arms, leaving me with a stifling pain and an immense emptiness.

I feel like it was yesterday and yet it also feels like I've been here forever. An eternity that my world has fallen apart...Has the world ever stopped falling apart around us, around me? Will it never stop? Everything repeats itself eternally, everything goes around in circles, meaningless.

3 days, but I'm not sure of anything, I have no way of knowing where I am, whether it's day or night outside. The light goes out sometimes, maybe during the night. It's probably a game for them. Maybe it's only been a day, in fact, that I've been stuck here, here and nowhere at the same time. Or maybe it's been a lot longer. Time is a very abstract notion when we have nothing left. Who knows what's happened since then? How many days have I lost or gained? But, in the end, what does it matter? One day more or one day less... These are just words, without any real meaning. Here, I don't know where, it's here in this white room, empty of all humanity. One day is one day. The time is now. There is no need to look any further.

When I woke up, I really thought I was dead. All I could see before me, as far as the eye could see, was a raw white light, the tunnel of death in all its splendor. Soon, as time finally lost its reality, a horrible truth was revealed. It is no longer a question of trying to get out, it is obviously impossible ... I just hope to get an answer to the only question: Why?

I don't know where I am. I sit there, as if paralyzed, not knowing what to do. I just remember being dragged around by an invisible force. I lost consciousness in the midst of all this chaos. I didn't see anything. I don't know if I'm still on Sanctum, if I'm in space or maybe even in the anomaly? I don't know where they took me. I don't see anyone, I don't hear anyone. Every once in a while, the few times I manage to fall asleep, a meal arrives as if by magic. It's never the same, I deduce that they have access to food. It doesn't matter, I barely touch it. I'm not hungry. Eating doesn't help. Maybe even living is no longer of any use either.

Them...I don't know who they are or even if there are really more than one. My mind wanders after spending what seems like days and nights without sleep trying to figure out what happened to Octavia, imagining the worst...I know they could kill me. In fact, I think that's probably what they will end up doing. I am perfectly aware of that. But until then, they can't kill my thoughts.

Octavia... Perhaps she is already dead by now. I try to reassure myself that she survived much worse than a misplaced stab. But the truth is, I don't know anything about what really happened. I don't know where the blow to really happened, if the blade was poisoned, what evaporation means, if people are taking care of her, if she is locked up next to me or if on the contrary they ended her life to finish what this girl started. I have no way of knowing. I am so exhausted, morally exhausted. I was so angry with her. I was ready to leave her for dead in those woods a few weeks ago and today I would give my life to know her safe. My sister, my responsibility.

How did things get here? I swore an oath to protect her... I couldn't protect her from herself. I abandoned her. I reassure myself that she looked different in the last few days on Sanctum. She seems to have benefited from going back and forth through the anomaly. She seemed more serene, more mature as well and aware of her mistakes. She wanted to repair our relationship... I should have been less hard on her. Forgive her as I learned to do with Clarke. I don't know why it was so complicated for me, but she is my sister, my blood...Sometimes things get complicated by themselves...Our relationship was so fragile since we came to Earth.

Why am I here? Who brought me here? Did they also take Echo and Gabriel? And who is that girl? Octavia seemed to know her and to be happy to see her, Hope I think...So many questions that remain unanswered...I am totally lost, without landmarks or a compass, I have been torturing my brain for days and not a shadow of logic or an answer on the horizon. Have they reached the palace? Is a new war on the way? What has happened to everyone else? My friends, my family, Clarke and Madi? Knowing they are safe would surely soothe me.

Clarke... The only soothing moments since I've been here are when I think about Clarke. Sometimes, at night, her face appears to me in the dark, like a ravishing and enigmatic mirage... She appeared to me again in a dream last night, with her smile that knows how to warm my heart and rock me like a child. All I have kept from the dream is a feeling of peace. I was still feeling it when I woke up and I tried to prolong it as long as possible.

She is alive and she has found Madi. But I can't help worrying about her... A bit pathetic, isn't it? I'm the one who's locked up, my sister is probably dead by now, and Clarke still occupies most of my thoughts. She lost her mother, she almost died... Well, no, technically she's dead. I lost him for a few seconds. I thought I was going to die too during those few seconds when I gave everything I had to bring her back. And yet after all that, I still haven't learned my lesson. I didn't do anything, I didn't change anything. I almost lost her again and I let time slip away again without being able to tell her how much she means to me, or at least try, putting off the moment I've been waiting for for over a century, fear in my stomach, fear of changing everything... By dint of waiting for the right moment, you don't realize that time is passing and that it's too late. Sometimes there is simply no perfect moment. There may never be one again.

And here I am, I don't know if I'll ever see her again. I feel like I'm spending my life losing the people I love. Even if I always find them again (I've come to believe that fate always brings us back to each other), there will be a day when we will be separated for good. And that day may have come. Even so, Octavia must know deep down that I love her more than my own life. She may have disappointed me enormously, but she is still my sister and that will never change, she is a part of me. She has always known that, I think. But she's not the only one, she hasn't been the only one for a long time... I've been fighting against it for too long... The facts are there, the feelings are there. I met my soul mate the day we landed on Earth, this blond head with an ocean view and a strong character, this incomparable, exceptional woman…

Love doesn't need a body. It doesn't need air. It does not need to eat or drink. It has no blood. So even if it kills me, I will continue to love her. I will love her until the end of time.

Clarke will probably never know and it's my fault. If only I could go back, start from the beginning, and tell her everything that's in my heart, tell her how much I love her, tell her that I love her much more than a teammate, much more than a friend, no matter how she feels about me.

I know that she cares about me, I have no doubt about it now, but maybe not in the same way, even if the last few months made me realize that her behavior towards me was much more than friendly...There was nothing platonic between us anymore. Looking back, nothing was ever platonic when it came to her and me. She should have known that she means everything to me, that she can have the whole universe against her, I will always be on her side. She looked so devastated the last time I hugged her. She deserves to be happy more than anyone else, I wish I could have been able to give her that much-deserved happiness... She deserves to know how beneficial she has been to me, how exceptional she is. If only I had a way

* * *

Three more days it seems to me, three more days more in this damn "room". I'm going to go crazy. I'm starting to lose hope. I can't swallow anything anymore. I've hardly eaten since I arrived, I've decided not to eat or drink at all. To starve or to die dehydrated is not the most beautiful death, but it's all I found here ... And maybe that will make them react…

I'm starting to speak out loud more and more... Maybe someone is listening, maybe someone is watching. I don't see a camera, but I feel spied on all the time. I find all hell in my solitude.

"What do you want from me in the end? Kill me now and get it over with! " I shouted, on the verge of tears that I have shed too many in the last few days. I am so exhausted. Being alone with your inner demons... Wondering if those I love are alive... I am exhausted. I'm so anxious that I'll almost be relieved if the worst happens.

I can't remember how I fell asleep again. I open my eyes painfully, fogged by the tears that were shed before I fell asleep. No meal this time, they must have realized that it was no longer of any use. Maybe they will come and finish me off this time... However, something new in the room caught my attention. A small metal bottle, a gourd, worn out. Maybe it's a trap, it probably is. It's different from the white things and exemplary cleanliness that I usually find. This gourd seems to have crossed time and space. It's probably poison. It comforts me in the idea that I am living my last minutes. So I'm going to die here, alone. I feel a twinge in my heart when I realize that I will die without having revealed my feelings to her, without having drawn a word on my eyes…

I approach the bottle and take it carefully. Oddly enough, I am no longer in such a hurry to finish it. The hardest part, when you have to finish it, is to finally start. I open the rusty cork to check its contents... And then ... What's the ...

It is a piece of paper... An old piece of paper rolled up. A letter apparently. But why? Have they finally decided to communicate with me? Let's have a look at it... In any case I have nothing more to lose, my curiosity takes over my anguish.

I unroll the paper slowly, first contact with the outside for several days. It's crazy how the smallest insignificant thing can become as precious as the first time, when we no longer have anything. It is indeed a letter... It seems to me that... But yes, it is indeed Octavia's handwriting...My sister. What does it mean? Is she still alive after all? Once again, tears come to my eyes and I have to take several minutes to regain my composure to read this letter. I am shaking, my hands are getting clammy and I feel my heart beating faster. I feel as much impatience as apprehension…

_« Bell, I hope against hope that this letter reaches you. I need you to know that you were right. There was a darkness in me, but Diyoza helped me past that darkness. That’s behind me now._  
_I need you to know that I finally understand all you did to protect me, watch over me, love me. I wish I could see your face and hug you and tell you that I get it now. I wish I could thank you._  
_By the time you get this — if you get this — I’ll probably be an old lady or dead. I want you to know I was happy. I have Hope. Diyoza’s a pain in the ass, but I love her, like I love you._  
_Please don’t worry about me. You deserve to be happy, Big Brother._  
_Always yours, Octavia »_

I read it several times, the more I read it the more I cry... Tears pour down in torrents on the flood of my emotions. I try to understand. I am both happy to read these words that I have been waiting for so long, and at the same time so worried. Why this letter, why now? Why are they giving it to me?

I'm trying to put together what little spirit I have left to get the pieces of the puzzle together and make it all make sense. I feel like my mind is fogged up, probably due to the lack of food and water. I feel weak and this weakness intensifies with the flood of emotion that overwhelms me.

So, somehow, I read again and again... Hope. Isn't that what Octavia said to that girl who stabbed him? Could that girl be Diyoza's daughter then? Gabriel explained to us that time would not pass the same way in the Anomaly, which would explain why this girl is already an adult. I didn't think it would pass so quickly. Hope looked like she was in her early twenties.

Octavia had no memory of her stay in the anomaly until ... Oh my Gosh, she must have written me this letter the first time she went with Diyoza! That's the only explanation I can find for it. She was happy there! I am both relieved and sad. I am happy for her. Happy to have found her again despite the tension that I couldn't overcome...But in the end and considering the events, she would have been better off staying there. I don't know what's worse, knowing that she was happy there, but that her happiness didn't last, or that she never came back and I still wonder where she is... The situation is almost the same in fact... I still have no idea, no proof that she is still alive. I don't know where she is now, but I know that she had found her light, her joy of life again. I'm not sure why, but I'm relieved.

I am trying to understand why this letter was given to me. What is their purpose? That I have hope? That I trust them? I'm going to need more than that... It doesn't make any sense…

* * *

  
I am observed, it has almost become obvious. They listen to me, watch me, spy on the slightest of my actions. I don't know what they want and I'm exhausted from thinking.

« You deserve to be happy, Big Brother. » 

These words resonate in my mind. Happiness is a very complex notion in our time. Will I still have the right to happiness one day? Have I ever had it? What is happiness in fact? Since my childhood, I have focused on Octavia's happiness and now that I know she has finally found it despite the loss of her great love, partly through my fault, I wonder if I will ever achieve it. We arrived on earth and surviving was my goal, I didn't have time to wonder if I was happy, and I probably won't be anymore. On the ring, I had nothing else to do and yet I know for a fact that I was not really. You can only be happy if you feel whole. I never really thought about it until today. Everyone has their own definition of happiness. What is my definition? Have I ever been truly happy?

Yes, I think so... When I think of the word happiness, I don't see a property or a place, I only see two faces... One of them has the same blood as me, the second one possesses me entirely, from the heart to soul, my half, my soulmate…

I was already really happy when I was a child, when I was taking care of Octavia. The huge secret that weighed on our family was not easy to manage and I often had nightmares about it, but my sister was my greatest happiness on l'Arche. I was never alone because of her.

Then we went down to Earth... And everything got complicated. We never really had a moment's respite. I can't really say that I was totally happy and soothed, but I glimpsed happiness several times, for a few seconds. I got a glimpse of what happiness would be like. Each time it was with the same person, it was seeing my reflection in the same look, hearing my first name spoken from the same mouth.

Apart from Octavia, who is now big enough and above all strong enough not to depend on me anymore, there is only one person who I am really well, who I can be totally happy, in peace, if one day events stop making us suffer, if I survive this umpteenth obstacle. ...I never told her though, those feelings frightened me, it was never the right time, things were always so complicated, I was afraid of losing her for good, I was just too scared. I hid my feelings the same way Octavia had hidden under the floor the whole time she was growing up: to protect herself, and yet, just like her, I hated having to do it. And yet, she was - she is - my world, my universe. And Octavia knew it, without my ever having to confirm it to her. She probably even realized it before I did.

Suddenly I realize one thing: whatever happens to me, I have to find a way to tell my story, our story. I have to find a way to tell her. I want her to be happy. I want her to have something to hold on to the day she's lost all hope. I have to tell her everything I've left buried deep inside me all these years. I need to open the door to my heart the same way I opened the shuttle door when we first set foot on Earth: leaving all my fears behind, ready to face the consequences if any, ready to change our lives forever. Whether or not I ever get out, I have to at least try. That's all I have left now. All that keeps me alive. Clarke...Princess... It's been so long since I've used this nickname that suits her so well and so badly at the same time. She's not a princess, no, she's a queen who rules my heart just by fluttering her eyelashes. An exceptional queen, strong, courageous, altruistic, always ready to do anything to help others even if it means putting herself in danger.

I needed a soul that understood me without judging me. I needed one who would open his heart and arms so that I could let go. I needed a soul that gives me wings to fly and overcome my regrets, my fears. This exceptional soul, it is in her that I found it. This soul that completes me perfectly, the half of myself without which I cannot really be alive.

I understand how she felt during her 6 years almost alone on Earth, far from me. I'm not exactly sure, but I can imagine it. I wish I could hear those radio signals so I could know for sure. In 6 years of calling every day, she must have confessed some things...I may be rambling, I probably take my wishes for reality, but...something changed when we found each other. Did she becomes aware of anything during these 6 years? Actually, I don't care. It's not important after all. Reciprocal or not, I should never have waited. We have developed an unbeatable bond between her and me and nothing can change that. I'm convinced of that today. And I may never again have the opportunity to explain to her, to show her...my soulmate….

I let my chance go by so many times, I don't want it to happen again. Even if it's too late to build a "we", even if I'm with another woman I never had the courage to leave, my heart belongs to her, it has always belonged to her and will always belong to her, no matter what happens. She needs to know that. This is probably my last chance, and this time I won't let it pass it up.

If these people sent me this letter, they surely have a minimum of sensitivity, of heart. Maybe it's not all over yet. They want my story...they will be served!

"Hey! Can you hear me? I know I'm being watched! You want me to stay alive? I'm not quite sure why, but I'm convinced that you need me! So if you want me to survive and cooperate, listen to me. Bring me a piece of paper and a pencil! Not several pieces of paper, not a notebook! I will tell you my story, in my own way. I have to write my side of the story, and this notebook will have to arrive in good hands. This person must be safe. I must have your word. Then, and only then, you will have my full attention, I will cooperate. I will answer each of your questions and tell you the whole truth. No matter what happens to me! Do you hear me? I ask only that and I hope that you have a minimum of heart to respect this last will. So, bring me that!... Ah yes ... and I need water and food too! »

In the end, Bellamy Blake didn't have the last word.

Thank you O, finally, there is still hope...Hope...yes, as long as I breathe, there will be hope...(I said that a few years ago, I guess)... As long as Clarke breathes, I will have hope…

I open my eyes. For the first time since I've been here, I feel like I've really slept, a restful and peaceful sleep, as if a weight has been lifted from me. I even dreamed... And I remember my dream, it had been so long since it had happened to me. I felt so good in my dream. I was next to Octavia, in a small wooden house, near a lake... Probably where I imagine she wrote her letter to me, except that instead of Diyoza and her daughter, it was Clarke and Madi who were with us... Such a sweet dream that will probably never come true.

Suddenly, I get up and inspect the room I'm in. I can't believe my eyes, I was right: while I was sleeping, they brought me a desk (yes yes, a real desk), with a chair, a large antique notebook with a leather cover that reminds me of Lincoln's notebook, and a pencil... There is also a large bottle of water as well as several fruits and a plate of food, it seems to be meat. For the first time since I've been here, I'm suddenly very hungry, as if I was coming back to life. I have a mission and it is the most important one I have ever had to accomplish!  
I eat as if I haven't eaten in days... Come to think of it, I have. I enjoy every bite and every drop of water that flows down my throat. I don't know what they served me, but it's damn good. The thought of it being poisoned occurs to me, but I tell myself that they wouldn't have gone to all this trouble just to kill me that way. If they wanted to, they would have done it a long time ago.

I take a seat in front of the desk and open the first page of the notebook. Where do I start? What exactly should I say? There are so many things... Let me get started…

_"To Clarke Griffin...Princess, my princess... What my heart has never dared to tell you…_

_I hope you will read these words one day, I hope it will not be too late and that this notebook will arrive safely in your hands. Anyway, it helps me to keep hope. I understand now why you said that contacting me every day for those 2199 days helped you stay lucid. Today the situation is reversed, I am writing to you. I have often wondered what you could have told me through this radio, it really haunted me to tell the truth, and I hope not to do the same to you. I hope that these words will reach you. If these lines are to be my last confession, then they are entirely for you. It is to you that I entrust this story of my life, for it has always belonged to you. I don't know what the next few days will bring, but I feel the need to confide in you. I need you to know everything I am about to tell you. I hope you can forgive me for keeping it buried all this time. I am writing to tell you that I am embarking on a journey in search of the peace that only you can bring me and to ask your forgiveness for so many things..._  
_Sit down, Princess, because it might take a while. You are about to relive my story since our arrival on Earth... And you know what? You are the heroine of it... So, let's go back to the start…"_


	2. Brave Princess

I knew you were special the moment I first laid eyes on you, or rather the moment you yelled at me when I tried to open the shuttle door.

« **Stop. The air could be toxic.** »Obviously you were right and I knew it. I immediately told myself that you seemed to be much more thoughtful than most of the kids on that ship. Then I saw your pretty eyes filled with worry and my heart missed a beat. It all happened so fast, it was so intense and strange. I was bewitched. This new sensation for me frightened me, I didn't understand. I felt like I recognized you, like I was finding you again. How it was only possible? It wasn't like me and it wasn't the time to ask myself questions. So instead of accepting this feeling, I fought against it and made it clear to you that I was in charge of the situation.

**« If the air is toxic, we're all dead, anyway. »** I answered you as if you were insignificant. Your eyes went from restlessness to resignation. It's strange how those few seconds were enough to make me realize that you were someone special. The pretty blonde with an ocean gaze that didn't hesitate for a moment to impose herself... I was annoyed, of course, but I also felt something else that I couldn't describe, probably respect for the only teenager on that spaceship who seemed to have her head on her shoulders. I wondered who you were and what you had done to get there. I didn't remember ever meeting you on the ark... You must not have been at the same station. Anyway, I really had this strange feeling that I knew you, that I actually recognized you…

Then I found my sister. What a relief to see her in good health! It had been so long since we'd been separated, right after my mother had been drifting away... And it was all my fault. Octavia was my life, my mainspring My sister, my responsibility. That's why I didn't hesitate to shoot the chancellor to get on that ship... Alongside 100 young people whom I did not know for the most part. I had to protect my sister, and if things went wrong, I had to die with her, because I would have nothing left.

Hugging her in my arms all this time has given me so much relief... I met your interrogative gaze fixed on us, this gaze always so deep …

« **Where's your wristband?** » you asked me, confused.

« **Do you mind? I haven't seen my brother in a year.** » Octavia had apparently not lost her biting temper; on the contrary, she still had to toughen up in prison.

The reaction of these young people when they realized that Octavia was "the girl under the floor" made me angry, but I took it upon myself to keep my cool and calm Octavia down. And just before I opened the door, I thought to myself that you, who always seemed to have something to say, hadn't said anything about Octavia.

So I opened the door. As you know, the air was not toxic. It felt like I was breathing for the first time. And this green... these colors so bright and so different from what we had always known... it was better than in my wildest dreams. Seeing my sister so joyful in the middle of this paradise filled me with happiness and the general euphoria also took possession of me... It is a memory that I never stop holding on to in difficult times…

Remembering this moment always gives a tight feeling in the stomach. I felt at home as if for the first time...I had no idea for a second what was waiting for us. I had no idea that I would feel this sensation again, more strongly. I had no idea that I would really feel at home, not somewhere, but in someone's arms.

Later in the day, I saw a group that looked pretty aggressive talking to you and the tall guy with you. I recognized him as the son of the Chancellor, I thought I'd killed his father before getting on the spaceship and I wasn't supposed to do anything. I was a murderer now, a monster. Octavia looked at you and I asked her if she knew you. She told me unsurprisingly that Wells was the son of the Chancellor (as everyone knew), and that you were the daughter of one of the doctors on the council. That she hadn't seen you more than that during her incarceration, because you were isolated from the others. No doubt you had done something very important or you were in a privileged cell, which would not have surprised me considering the social class differences on the ark... So you were part of the upper class, of the kingdom... a little princess who had always had what she wanted, which explains your attitude of knowing everything. And this Wells, he was even worse than you. You seemed close, and yet he seemed to annoy you, as if you couldn't stand his proximity. However, he was the only one who seemed to care about you among all these people…

So we got into the conversation when we heard a voice raise its tone. Wells was bringing back his knowledge, which annoyed Octavia unsurprisingly…

« **Screw your father. What, you think you're in charge here, you and your little Princess?** »

It's not in vain that she's my sister...we had the same vision she and I had... And it must be said that with such a pretty face, the nickname "Princess" suited you perfectly. But I quickly hastened to remove this idea from my mind. You were a privileged person, your mother was on the council and had surely helped to authorize the derivation of mine, I had every reason to hate you, and there would be no more privileged people here, I was going to make sure of it.

Nevertheless, to my astonishment, you did not answer my sister's spade, but imposed your logic on everyone. While we were all under the spell of our new "home", you were worried about our survival and you had noticed that we were far away from Mount Weather, which was supposed to help us stock up.

But I wasn't letting that little breakthrough of admiration get the better of us. On the contrary, I was provoking you even more by pointing out your privileges in front of everyone.

When Murphy started pushing Wells around to challenge him to a duel, Finn appeared to calm things down and my sister was under his spell: « **Hey, spacewalker, rescue me next.** »

I still remember how upset I was with her behavior. My little sister...who was openly flirting with a boy, a criminal on top of that…???

« **They're all criminals.** »She replied to me as I was pointing it out to her. And she was right...What she didn't know yet was that I was one too.

Then she wanted to go on an expedition with you. When I think about it again... Monty and Jasper seemed so innocent at the time! If you only knew how much I miss them.

That's when you explained to Finn that our bracelets were precious so that The Ark could know we were alive and send us food...and be able to come to earth as well. Which I absolutely didn't want. Your speech was well reasoned, of course, but it was at that moment that I decided to do everything I could to deactivate as many bracelets as possible. If they didn't come to earth, I wouldn't need to run away to be safe. Octavia could stay. I understood that this was what she wanted.

« **You shouldn't have come here, Wells.** »

I heard you tell him as I came to allow my sister to follow you. Why did you sound so angry with him? It doesn't matter, I'll find out eventually, and in the meantime, I had something else to think about. Besides, the fact that you were angry with him made you feel higher in my opinion. I was so angry with him. Without even knowing him, I hated him ... He was the chancellor's son! His father sent my mother floated.The truth is that I was the oldest in this ..."camp", I felt responsible and I had to be sure of myself. Wells questioned everything, just like you. And that annoyed me to no end. The privileged wouldn't make the law here. The people would have the power and who better than me to represent them?

I thus watched my sister move away in your company, which reassured me without knowing why... And this misunderstanding irritated me to the utmost.

* * *

I was so upset when I saw Octavia in such a weak condition... And the story of your attack didn't help to calm me down. I remember being so impressed by the fact that you still managed to find a positive point to it all: « **The good news is, that means we can survive. Radiation won't kill us.** »

You explained everything in Olympian calm, but started to see black when you noticed that Wells wasn't wearing his wristband anymore. I will never forget the look in your face and Octavia's face at that time: disappointment, anger, misunderstanding. Then you explained the oxygen problems on the Ark and the real reason for our coming...That's when I realized I was on the wrong way, but it was too late to turn back. What would the others say?...Anyway I had to save myself. If they went down, I was finished. So I maintained my position and regained the motivation of the troops... I was so good at that...wasn't I, Princess?

I was so shocked when you came and asked me to come with you to look for Jasper. In truth, what amazed me the most was that you supported me in front of Octavia who also wanted to come… « **He's right. Your leg's just gonna slow us down.** » Amazing coming from you and considering the arrogant way you treated me since our arrival.

« **I'm here for you.** »

It's maybe silly but those simple words gave me such a strange feeling. For a few seconds, I felt totally vulnerable when I turned around and looked you in the eye to learn that you wanted me to come with you because I had a gun. With the exception of Octavia, you were the first girl to address me in this way, without flirting, with authority. You were so self-assured...a true born leader. I had a competition and it came from the prettiest girl I had ever seen.

« **And why would I do that?** » Yes, I was undoubtedly a little confused in front of you, but I was not supposed to show it!... Your reasoning afterwards was so right! You had managed to hit the bulls-eye on me! Plus, as I told Murphy a little later, I had to find a way to get your wristband off. I was a little over the top about cutting your hand off to get what I wanted... Sorry to tell you now. That's what I told Murphy, but I didn't mean a word of it. I was angry, and I wanted him to see me as THE leader. I knew he would be impressed with that little "intention, and you were so annoying!

I slowed you down to take off your wristband. You were just a girl, after all, it shouldn't be too difficult, even with your bodyguard by your side.

« **The only way the Ark is gonna think I'm dead is if I'm dead. Got it?** » You threw me with a thunderous stare when I grabbed your wrist. Once again, I was totally unsettled by your repartee and your intense gaze. I would take a quick glance at the other two to get my mind back and find something to say...The only thing that comes to mind is "Brave Princess", which I tried to say with a touch of irony and a big smile that usually managed to bend all the girls. You must have thought I was making fun of you. The truth is that you were the strongest girl I had ever met. When others called you Princess, I saw in you a privileged, weak girl, a follower who was looking for Prince Charming... When I called you like that, there was definitely nothing pejorative about it, even if I couldn't admit it. It was absolutely not the case and I was really aware of it at that moment. I should have guessed it as soon as we arrived when you stopped me before opening the shuttle door. If you were a Princess, you were the most special and brave of all. Ever since we landed, you had been working hard to keep everyone alive. You thought only of others, when I had acted only for my own benefit, for the most part.

That's when Finn arrived in superhero mode...The awfully-clingy!

What you don't know is that I had a little chat with Wells right afterwards. I wanted to know, and I was right: he was very much in love with you. I remember telling him, " **With Finn around, Clarke doesn't even see you. It's like you're not even here.** » I wanted to get you two away from each other so that he would let me take off his wristband. Besides, Wells was strong and brave, having him "by my side" would be helpful. Looking back, I wonder if I was speaking for him or for myself. I was so busy trying to get respect and control over everything that I let you hate me. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn't been such a jerk. Maybe we would have gotten closer more immediately. Maybe Finn wouldn't have won your heart so quickly. It doesn't matter. Anyway, he was a good guy, and at the time, with what I'd agreed to do to earn my place on the ship...I saw myself as a criminal, and I was acting like one. A princess and a criminal? It was easier not to like each other in the end.

When we found Jasper, strapped to that tree, in a pitiful state, you didn't hesitate for a second to move forward to reach him. And I didn't hesitate one second to catch you when you fell into that trap. In fact, it happened so fast, I did it naturally, by instinct, my hand grabbed you without me even realizing it, as if my body was responding to yours mechanically. I'll never forget the look in your eyes as I held you over that hole as best I could. All I could see in your eyes was fear and I knew at that moment that I could never try to hurt you again. You were terrified, but you still looked at me with some determination. The others must have thought that I was hesitant to release you and from the look in your eyes, I think you were too. You looked at me as if you were saying, " Leave me and I'll haunt you for the rest of your life"...and that's probably what would have happened!

I had done everything I could to deserve this, to tell the truth. The reality is that in those few seconds I was totally lost in your eyes and in the intensity of the situation. Nothing else existed around me. I wouldn't have given you up for anything in the world, I didn't think for a minute about your wristband even though everything suggests otherwise. If you think about it, we were all around you, Wells and Finn too. They could very well have reacted as instinctively as I did. Especially since they both seemed really interested in you. Nevertheless, they waited and didn't really react. A "thank you" would have been nice, but I didn't care. If only I knew at that time that it was going to become a routine for me to save your life... If only I knew that your life would mean more to me than mine... But we weren't there yet, of course. It was from that moment on, however, that I knew that somehow there was a connection between the two of us, and that made me feel terribly uncomfortable. Even though I barely knew you, I couldn't imagine my life without you. I'd never felt that way about anyone before, it scared me.


	3. WE MAKE THE RULES

I admit I underestimated you when you were taking care of Jasper. I honestly thought he was lost and most of the kids kept coming in to complain. When I went up and saw him in his terrible condition, I thought you just didn't have the guts to finish him off, that you were weaker than you wanted to show. I had no idea for a second that you really had the skills to save him...Today, I would put my life in your hands without hesitation. In fact, I've done it several times and I can say without the slightest hesitation that you are the bravest woman I know.

But let's go back to that moment when you stood up to me once again like no one else ever could...I didn't want to kill Jasper, I don't think I would have done it anyway, given the events that quickly followed...I simply yielded to the general demand, once again acting in my own interest, that of being appreciated by most young people in order to maintain the leadership position I had forged for myself. Whereas you didn't care what anyone thought of you, you didn't give a damn about the other people's opinions. You did what you thought was right, you acted for the benefit of others. You would do anything to save Jasper even if it was probably a lost cause…

I also liked the way you comforted Octavia at that time. My sister trusted you while she was walking away from me. Of course, it was all my fault, but at that moment I was too stubborn to realize it. I would rather try to discredit you than admit that I was wrong. My behavior only made me feel even angrier, and you probably did too... I was a real pain in the ass, that's all I knew how to do! I had never been taught to behave differently except towards my daughter for whom I reserved all my kindness and tenderness. She was the only one who had always mattered to me.

The memory that follows is not the happiest, but it is the moment when I realized that you were truly special. That moment when I decided to stop arguing with you so that I could finally trust you. And I didn't know it at the time, but I think that's when my feelings for you really came through. How can you recognize love when you've never felt it before? How can we welcome it, not reject it, without being terrorized by the flood of sensations it brings, the changes it awakens without warning in us?

I was so terrified when I saw Atom on the floor, in that condition, after being alerted by little Charlotte's scream. Atom may have gone a little too far with Octavia, but he was the person I had trusted the most since we arrived, the one I felt closest to. Murphy followed me around like a puppy dog, but I didn't trust him at all. Atom seemed different, wiser, more thoughtful. He was nothing like the other criminals who obeyed me without hesitation, he really had good intentions. I saw right away that he was dying. Seeing the rotten state of his body, you don't need to be a doctor to notice that he was in very bad shape and suffering martyrdom. Charlotte approached me and handed me the knife that I had entrusted to her a few hours earlier, to drive the demons out of his nightmares... She looked so much less fragile already, as if my words had made her stronger. But now I was the one who felt fragile, vulnerable. What was I going to do?

" **Don't be afraid,** " she says to me... Of course, she had understood that her suffering had to be shortened. And me too, unfortunately. I may have felt like a monster, but I had never hurt a fly before what I had been asked to do to the Chancellor, and I was going to have to kill one of the people I appreciated the most. I asked everyone to go back to camp, including Charlotte. It was not a scene for a child, who was already struggling with her own nightmares... And I didn't know how I was going to do it or if I was really going to make it. And I didn't want there to be any witnesses. I had to kill him, no one was supposed to watch. I was already feeling guilty enough for having killed the chancellor although no one knew about it... despite everything, I didn't have the heart of a murderer. To say that you're going to finish a man off and do it is different. With every life we take, it's a small piece of our soul that escapes us, one more step towards hell. When I shot the chancellor, it was for my sister, and it consumed me, it changed me...I think a lot of it was because of that and the vision I had of myself that made me act like...an asshole...yes...and I even think the word is weak actually.

But here it was very different, even if it was for "the right reason". Atom begged me to kill him, and I didn't feel like I could. Anyone would have killed him quickly, and I should have been the first to do so according to my behavior since our arrival... That was obviously not the case. I wasn't able to, in fact, and this reality caught up with me, bringing a lot of questions with it.

As everything was shaking in my brain, I felt a presence behind me, it was you, I felt it. It's hard to describe, but even though I had just met you I could feel you. You were one of the last people I wanted to be by my side for what I was about to do, but at the same time, your presence immediately relieved me without my being able to explain it...My breath became calmer, steadier, my mind calmed down as you walked towards this sinister scene. You approached quietly, without saying a word. My eyes were still fixed on the knife. I thought you were going to panic, even cry, or try to bring him back to camp to prove that you could heal him... and in fact, that's what I was hoping for. But I couldn't talk. For the first time since we landed, I was speechless and I broke the wall I had solidly built between us.

I think you must have understood this when I could barely tell you that Charlotte had found it and I had asked them to come home ... I wanted to, I should have, told you to return as well, it was better. I don't know if it's panic, the fact that I don't want to be alone or that your presence already reassured me: I'm not saying anything, I was letting you help me, help him. You inspected his body and dipped your resigned eyes into mine to make me understand that there was nothing to be done. Then you totally bluffed me with your calm and smiling attitude. I didn't understand.

« **Okay. I’m gonna help you, all right? »** you told him as you stroked his cheek and started singing a children's lullaby. I stood there totally stunned, unable to take my eyes off you to try to understand. It was there, when you took the knife from my hands, which I was barely holding, that I understood your plans. I was so shocked. I watched you end his suffering by continuing to hum, as a mother would have done for her child. I could see it was breaking your heart.

You hummed until life left him and I kept looking at you. I was both relieved that I didn't have to do it myself, embarrassed to have let you do it for me, but above all disturbed by your strength and courage. All my assumptions about you vanished as quickly as they had come. I admired you, I think that's the word. I still admire you, you know. I never stopped. You were worth much more than me, than all of us together in that damn shuttle. You were special. There, in that forest, I realized that I saw in you much more than what you wanted to show the world...I saw a woman who had to come out of adolescence much too quickly, a responsible woman, strong and courageous, with a huge heart but also an exceptional spirit. I had never met anyone like you. In my eyes you were perfect and I was tired of fighting this obvious fact. You deserved that I stop fighting it.

So it was at that exact moment, when the life of one of my only friends here was evaporating, that I realized that you were an extraordinary person, unique, different from all those I had known. It was the first time I felt the desire to hug you, even though you didn't seem to need it. I wanted to be close to you. I needed it. I knew I didn't deserve your friendship, and even less your love, but it was at that moment that I decided to try to become better, to take you as an example. For the first time, I felt that I had another reason apart for my sister to be a good person. I wanted to make efforts for you.

I was wrong from the moment we landed, it wasn't me who was best qualified to lead these young people, it was you. You had it in you. You have it in you, for better or for worse. You definitely earned my respect that day. I won't do anything against you again without a good reason. I wanted you as an ally, not as an enemy, it was obvious to me. I just hoped it wasn't too late to make up for my odious behavior.

Once I got back to camp, I watched you and Finn walk away again to check on Jasper, my eyes following you again and again as if I couldn't help myself. I still couldn't believe what had just happened. With my brain still in the fog, I asked a girl to bring you everything you needed. It was decided, from now on I would be on your side Princess. The line between hate and love is so fine in the end, especially when one of the two is a new feeling.

* * *

When Wells was found dead, murdered, I tried to stay focused and keep busy as much as I could, but my thoughts were with you, you seemed so sad. I had finally learned that you had known each other since childhood, he was your best friend even though I knew he wished he had been much more... And I wouldn't blame him for that...Am I not the closest thing to your best friend now? And yet you and I are long past that point. When we get to know you, we can't help but be completely overwhelmed. You are so exceptional. How can one not be confused?

I fell in love with you, like one falls sick. It happened so quickly and so brutally. As a rare disease, I didn't know what it was, it took a long self-diagnosis to finally realize the obvious. And then after that I was afraid of this attraction, of these feelings that were brand new to me. Afraid of everything you made me feel, because you owned my heart, and I had no idea what you were going to do with it...Being your friend was the least risky, but I was going to have to prove myself before I got to that point. So yes, I understood Wells, and that's probably why his death meant more to me than I thought it would.

Anyway... when Octavia and Jasper discovered the fingers and the knife, I immediately made the connection. I tried to think, to do the right thing. Suddenly, it was you who wanted to act on impulse. I could feel your anger and sadness. I was trying to make you understand that revealing that one of our people was a murderer (well, many of them were technically murderers) was really not a good idea. But you directed your anger at me again. What changed was that for once I was calm, I knew you needed to get angry. If you needed a punching bag to blow off steam then so be it, I would. But what had you done with Bellamy Blake's big mouth?

So I let you face Murphy. When I think back, you weren't afraid of him at all! So I sided with you. I have to say that Murphy was a real jerk. But those kids... they were out of control. It got out of hand. When they got the rope ready to hang him, I was really freaked out inside. I didn't know what to do. That's when I saw you panic too, for the first time you were losing your temper. I knew this was a really bad idea. We couldn't do this to him. We weren't on the Ark. But when I heard them all screaming my name... I really don't know why I agreed. My egocentricity must have gotten the upper hand. I was worshipped, wasn't that what I'd always wanted?

It all happened too fast. You begged me, told me I wasn't a murderer... implored me. But of course I was a murderer... when I heard you say that, I thought of Jaha. I was a killer, and after all, that's what everyone wanted. And then he killed your best friend, he broke your heart. If he had killed once, he would do it again and you'd probably be next on his list Princess. I couldn't let that happen, I had to protect you.

So I completely ignored you and pushed the canister that was holding Murphy back. I already regretted it. You were shoving me, shouting at me. You cried...my fault. When I think back...I hate to see you cry you know, and every tear you shed because of me breaks my heart even more. But at the time I was angry with you. My bad temper got the better of all my good resolutions. It was your fault that I had to come to this point. « **This is on you, princess. You should’ve kept your mouth shut.** » Of course it wasn't your fault. I could have, I should have stopped them. But that's all I could find to say. Murphy was struggling as hard as he could at the end of that rope. I could see the life slowly slipping out of his body…

When Charlotte confessed the truth, the whole weight of the world fell on me. What had I done now?

I didn't know this little girl very well, but I felt sorry for her, she reminded me of Octavia when she was younger... and when she told me that she had simply cast out her demons like I had told her to... I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt that your interrogative gaze only increased tenfold. I had to find a solution, but I still blamed you again before entrusting Charlotte to you and going out to try to negotiate.

Then there was the run in the woods where I found Charlotte, who had escaped and wanted to surrender with Murphy on our tail. You found us when we were stuck on the edge of that damn cliff and for a moment, I guess you thought I was there to kill her too. It was never in the cards. I wanted to protect her. You know that now. I hope you know I would never have done that...even if I was as stupid as I was then, I could never have killed a child!

So Murphy had to grab you and put his knife to your throat. I was caught between you and Charlotte. I knew I wouldn't be able to protect both of them at the same time. I could see it in Murphy's face, he wanted blood. And I think he also knew that targeting you would hit me particularly hard. I was mechanically holding Charlotte back. I was trying one last time to negotiate... That's when she jumped. You joined me in tears and we watched the two of us at the edge of that cliff, falling off into the void, taking her own life...she was just a scared kid. Anger took over my grief and this time I really meant to kill Murphy.

That's when you stepped in... When I had once again let my emotions direct me, you were rational despite the 2 losses you had just suffered. You still managed to refocus and think reasonably ... The head and the heart, from the beginning in fact, we were complementary, you had noticed it.

« **No! We don’t decide who lives and dies. Not down here. »** You don't decide who lives or dies, not here!" Did you try to convince me.

« **So help me God, if you say the people have a right to decide…** »

« **No, I was wrong before, okay? You were right.** »

We were arguing as if there was no one around and yet it wasn't a real quarrel, you just wanted to convince me. Hearing you clearly telling me that I was right was enough to calm me down instantly. And as always, the way you looked me straight in the eye transcended honesty. You had found the words to make me think, to calm me down, and I listened to you as I drowned in your gaze and realized how lucky I was to have met you. The simple fact of plunging my eyes into yours made sense.

« **Sometimes it’s dangerous to tell people the truth. But if we’re gonna survive down here, we can’t just live by whatever the hell we want. We need rules.** »Of course you were right. From the beginning you were right anyway.

« **And who makes those rules, huh? You?** »It wasn't ironic, I really thought you were the best, most thoughtful person to do them. I would have gladly let you do it, in fact. I knew you were more than capable of it.

« **For now, we make the rules. Okay?** »

You said "WE", you and I, for the first time...It's the best idea you've ever had, the start of something new. I just didn't realize yet how much this "WE" would mean to me. I needed you, it was obvious. I realized that I would need you and that we had to work as a duo to run this youth camp. Head and Heart....That's when it started, right?


	4. CAN YOU WISH ON THIS KIND OF SHOOTING STAR?

Of course, I obviously had to play dumb again by stealing the radio when Finn's girlfriend Raven landed, with whom I suspected you had gotten a little close. But if the Ark went down, I was doomed. I was trying to get rid of my past like shaking your finger to get a band-aid off: without success. You immediately guessed my intentions and didn't ask any questions. You knew I had it. It must be said that you have a well-developed sixth sense, especially about me. I have never been able to hide anything from you.

« **They're getting ready to kill three hundred people up there to save oxygen, and I can guarantee you it won't be council members. It'll be working people. Your people** »

Saying that I played dumb is really sweet...By the time you said those words, I was already regretting my move. Once again I had only thought of saving my skin. What an idiot. Raven explained to you that I had shot Jaha and you quickly made the connection. I rather left than face your eyes, rather than face your gaze in particular.

Raven grabbed me... she had as much guts as you apparently! She wasn't afraid of me either. I was really going to get mad at her, but all you had to do was ask me to stop and I let her go.

« **Yeah, he's not my favorite person either, but he isn't dead.** »

Something changed in me the moment Raven said those words.

I hadn't killed him, I had missed my shot. I was not a murderer. As if you were reading my mind, you came up to me, put your hand on my arm and looked me straight in the eyes (I don't know if you were doing it on purpose, but I could have lost myself in your eyes every time...even then, when we were almost strangers to each other).

« **Bellamy, don't you see what this means? You're not a murderer. You always did what you had to do to protect your sister. That's who you are. And you can do it again by protecting three hundred of your people. Where's the radio?** »

Your words were so helpful, so healing...of course I wasn't a murderer, but the fact that you said it out loud...It comforted me so much. But the shame soon returned when I realized that there was nothing more I could do.

« **It's too late.** » I had thrown it in the river.

« **Do you have any idea what you did? Do you even care? Three hundred people are gonna die today because of you!** » You yelled at me when we found the radio that had leaked. You were honest, you weren't going to take the easy way out. I was confused and had lost all determination.

Of course I cared, I was consumed with guilt and regret...I had acted on impulse. I hadn't thought about it, once again. I wonder today if I would still be like that if I hadn't known you. You made me changed, evolved, I became better thanks to you. You saved me from myself Clarke... Never forget that...

In the evening, when we launched those rockets to let the Ark know that we were alive, I came to stand mechanically next to you...I don't really know why or maybe I do... The truth is that I didn't want to be next to anyone else. I needed your presence, it reassured me instinctively and I can't say why. I just felt the pleasure of sharing this moment with you, realizing that as beautiful as it was, it was no match for your incomparable beauty. You were my gift from heaven. You didn't even like me and I wasn't supposed to like you either. It would probably have been much easier to hate you. But still... This show was both beautiful and terrifying, our last chance to save these people, my last chance to make up for my mistakes.

« **You think they can see it from up there?** »

« **I don't know. I hope so. Can you wish on this kind of shooting star? »** I turned to you, looking interrogating. I didn't really understand what you were asking. **« Forget it.** »

« **I wouldn't even know what to wish for. What about you?** »

I should have wanted to go back and erase my mistakes. I was staring at the sky, but I could feel your eyes moving towards Finn and Raven... Of course, you knew what to wish for. Finn had been circling you since we landed and he had been kind and protective of you. He was a good person. I didn't know yet what had happened between you, but everyone could see that you were close. However, his girlfriend had succeeded in joining him. You were alone now, without Wells, without Finn. All you had left was yourself. You didn't have to talk to you to feel it. I wish I could have been the person you could count on, the person you could trust, the person you could rely on...I wish I could have been the person who could take away every bit of pain, the person who could take care of you. But I was still in a very bad way.

A few hours later, I realized that Octavia had disappeared, really, it had been several hours since anyone had seen her. I was totally frightened... This cursed day was never going to end. This was surely my punishment for unintentionally causing the deaths of 300 people.

I looked in each tent until I found you, wide awake, with your head elsewhere.

« **You're up?** »

« **Yeah. Knowing that hundreds of people might be dying on the Ark makes it pretty hard to sleep.** » You answered me curtly. The sweetness of our exchange of earlier had gone away. You were visibly on your guard again, angry.

« **Raven's flares will work.** »

« **Her radio would've worked better.** »

For a few seconds, I stood there, my guilty look plunged into yours, accusing. I didn't have time for that: « **Have you seen Octavia?** »

You looked surprised and worried in spite of everything.

« **No. It's Octavia. She's probably chasing butterflies.** »

« **Clarke, I've checked the camp. She's not here.** »

You must have felt my worry, your look changed, you were really concerned now too.

« **Ok. I'll help you find her. Let's check again. You go to the dropship. I'll check the rest of the tents.** »

It's amazing how good you were, how good you are at moving from one emotion to another. For a few seconds, you made me feel really ashamed and then you tried to reassure me, to help me. You didn't let yourself be ruled by your anger, unlike me. You thought with your head, not with your emotions. And that's exactly what I needed right now.

« **Thank you** » That's all I could think of to say. I hadn't deserved your attention, hadn't asked for it, and yet... you were helping me. You were there for me in spite of everything.

« **Don't thank me. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for Octavia.** »

I tried as best I could to hide the fact that this last remark had still touched me even though I was under no illusion. And then the important thing was to find my sister. My sister, my responsibility. The only person I really, sincerely, without expectations... The only one before we met.

We gathered everyone together to search in the woods because, of course, she was not at the camp.

« **We need a tracker.** » I say to you as if to justify myself, before calling Finn. I felt that his presence and Raven's made you uncomfortable. The deaths on the Ark were not your only concern, despite what you said. My doubts about the two of you had just been confirmed.

We were ready to leave when we saw that meteor shower in the sky. It wasn't meteors, it was the bodies of the dead people on the Ark, the people I had indirectly killed. I took it upon myself not to break down while you and Raven explained this to the others.

« **It's not a meteor shower, it's a funeral. Hundreds of bodies being returned to the earth from the ark. This is what it looks like from the other side. They didn't get our message.** »

Raven walks towards me, out of her: « **This is all because of you!** » I couldn't find anything to say, it was deserved. But you and Finn held her back.

« **Yeah, he knows. Now has to live with it.** »

Once again, you hit the nail on the head. A few words that were enough to lower me down to the ground while making others understand that it was necessary to move forward. You would all have time to make me feel guilty later. I didn't doubt it. You'd probably be the first.

Octavia had disappeared and I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. I came to my senses and started searching in the woods.

We had finally found O, captive in a cave, but Finn was wounded and several of us were dead. So it was with a heavy heart that I returned to the camp, carrying Finn. I was still relieved to have found O in good health. You ran to Finn, terrified when you saw him in my arms. I could feel your distress. Again I was speechless. You cared for him, I knew you did. He was hurt because of me, for helping me. I felt a hint of jealousy...This feeling was also new to me.

« **Bellamy wouldn't let me take the knife out.** » Jasper said.

« **No, that was a good call. Get him in the dropship now. Go!** »

I made at least one thoughtful decision. You obviously weren't angry with me. That was already it.

You still took the time to take an interest in Octavia, asking her if she was well. Undoubtedly, you were really the best person in that camp. I had no doubt about that. You were always interested in others, no matter what the situation, or your pain. You acted logically. What you don't know is that right afterwards, Octavia and I had a violent confrontation. She said some awful things to me, but they were actually true. And taking the truth about me to my face made me say horrible things in my turn. I think that's when things started to get tense between my sister and me. She wasn't a little girl anymore, I had to admit it to myself. But I couldn't help but feel responsible for her. That's what I had always done. Protecting her, even over-protecting her... If I could have put her in a glass bubble to make sure she was safe, I would have done it without hesitation... But it was not the right solution. What did I know at this moment? I didn't really have a model. That's all I knew how to do.

I left in search of the grounder who had captured, saved Octavia, with Monty and Jasper. I needed to calm down, to let off steam.

When I came back, Octavia seemed relieved, but this relief didn't last long when she saw that we were dragging the grounder. The storm was violent outside and the atmosphere inside the dropship, with Finn dying in the middle, was unbearable.

« **The hell are you doing?** »

« **It's time to get some answers.** »

« **Oh you mean ‘revenge? »**

**« I mean 'intel'. Get him upstairs. »**

I wasn't really sure it was a good idea, but we needed to find out more about them once and for all. We couldn't live in fear forever.

« **Bellamy, she's right.** » This time there was no superiority in your voice. You were simply trying to reason with me, calmly, gently, without raising your voice.

That's when I heard that the radio was working, you must have felt my anxiety, because you added by looking at me with compassion: « **Look, this is not who we are.** »

I needed to be sure. I was lost. I looked at you, I looked at Octavia...Fear, doubt, anger, incomprehension.... I couldn't handle it. There was one thing I felt I could handle: « **It is now.** »

My decision was already taken anyway.


	5. WHO WE ARE AND WHO WE NEED TO BE TO SURVIVE ARE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS

I was trying to get Lincoln to talk. You were doing your best to save Finn...

You climbed up and pounded against the hatch to the shuttle floor where we were trying to question Lincoln.

" **It's ok. Let her through.** " I commanded

You looked at the grounder that I had tied his arms in a cross, looking scared. I know it wasn't really him that scared you, but rather his swollen face. You looked scared by what we had been able to do to him, by what I had done to him.

« **Well if he didn't hate us before, he does now.** »

**« Who cares? How's Finn? »**

**« Alive. His people will care! How long until they found out where we're keeping him? And what happens when they do, I mean when they come looking for him. They will, Bellamy. »**

You and your dirty habit of always being right and making me feel guilty...naturally, without even meaning to, I guess. In any case, I had well deserved that you treat me this way.

**« Relax, Princess. No one saw us take him. He was chained up in that cave the whole time and thanks to the storm you couldn't see a soul on the way back. »**

I showed you then his little notebook where our camp was drawn, several sticks counting all our people, 8 of them were already crossed out... The eight that we had already lost. Eight people that I felt under my responsibility.

**« In case you missed it. His people are already killing us. How many more of our people need to die before you realize we're fighting a war. »**

This time I was sure I was right. And I know you were too. Nevertheless, I agree that I still haven't given the right answers.

**« We're not soldiers, Bellamy. Look at him, we can't win. »**

Indeed, he was clearly cut for combat, as his muscles and scars could testify. The camp was largely composed of teenagers... If the other natives were all like him, we didn't stand a single chance. And yet we had to try. We had to be prepared.

**« You're right we can't, if we don't fight. »**

You were well aware that my reasoning was right inside you, weren't you?

That's when Raven called you back, because Finn's condition was getting worse...

You came back quickly, we'd locked the entrance so you wouldn't be disturbed. You hammered the hatch open much harder than before, as usual your determination suggested that you wouldn't give up, and that something was wrong. So we opened you up. You walked straight to Lincoln, Octavia right behind you. This time something had changed, you were no longer hesitant about him, but rather angry, even threatening.

**« What's on this? »** You asked him and showed him the dagger you had pulled out of Finn's ribs. I didn't understand and your anger was bothering me. It was clearly not your habit to act that way.

**« What are you talking about? »**

**« He poisoned the blade! All this time he knew Finn was going to die no matter what we did! What is it?! Is there an antidote? »**

**« Clarke he doesn't understand you. »**

That's when I had an idea.

**« The flasks, it's got to be in there. »** I explained by showing the bottles we found on him.

**« You'd have to stupid to have a poison around this long with an antidote. Which one? »**

**« Answer the question! »** I was getting really upset.

**« Show us, please. »** Octavia asks him kindly... She had compassion for this grounder...maybe even affection, it was tearing my eyes out, it disgusted me.

**« Which one? Our friend is dying down there and you can stop that! »** You couldn't hold on anymore.

He still wasn't answering. You turned to me with an imploring look in your eyes, as if for once you didn't know what to do and you were asking me for my opinion. That's all I needed. **« I'll get him to talk! »**...one way or another.

Octavia threw herself at me to stop me.

**« Bellamy no! »**

**« He wants Finn to die, why can't you see that? »** I answered her.

Then I moved back to you: **« Do you want him to live or not? »** Apparently you weren't sure of anything, because you didn't answer right away and seemed to analyze the situation…

**« Clarke you even said it yourself, this is not who we are! He was protecting me, he saved my life! »** Octavia tried to tilt the balance in favor of the grounder...

**« We're talking about Finn's life! »** I resumed. These simple words must have convinced you... You remained a few moments pensive, and then...

**« Do it, »** you told me with the determination that characterized you so well.

Octavia was dismayed, devastated. I couldn't understand why. I mean, she must have been grateful to him, but I had the feeling that it was more than that, and I really didn't like it. I tore one of the belts off the shuttle and ripped Lincoln's shirt...You watched me do it without flinching.

**« Show us the antidote or you'll wish you had. »** I threatened him one last time.

Octavia was on the edge of tears... I took one last look at you to get your approval and then I gave him the first blow. It upset Octavia and I could see that you were not at all comfortable with that, to tell you the truth I wasn't quite comfortable with it either... We torture someone... much easier to say than to do, than to assume... And to do it in front of people you care about is even worse. You look away, but let me continue.

At the second stroke you tried to reason with him by showing him one last time each bottle, calmly. He still didn't move, he just looked quickly at Octavia who seemed to be suffering more than he was.

I put a reassuring hand on your shoulder... « **Clarke »**...I don't know myself if it was to push you, to sympathize, to support you... It was the first real friendly touch I had for you in fact...The first contact I dared to make, the first step towards you. Not the happiest of memories, I must admit, but my intention was friendly and I don't doubt that you were aware of it.

You let me go on... I knocked more and more.

**« Enough! »** Octavia could not take it anymore

**« Clarke, he's getting worse! »** Raven screams.

**« We're running out of time. Which one? Which one is it? If you tell us they'll stop! Please, tell us which is the antidote and they'll stop this! »** You wanted it to stop as much as he did. We all did. I was the first…

**« If that doesn't work, maybe this will. Clarke you don't have to be here for this. »** I grabbed a metal hook. It was the only solution, wasn't it? I didn't actually want you to be there. First of all, because I knew it would haunt you as much as I did and I didn't want you to feel guilty . But most of all, because I didn't want you to see me do this, I didn't want you to have this picture of me. Any more than I wanted Octavia to see me do this. But at that moment, it was you that concerned me the most, it was your opinion of me that I wanted to improve.

**« I'm not leaving until I get that antidote. »** Of course...I should have guessed it.

Octavia looked at us, in disgust...

**« Last chance. »**

I put the hook in his hand. He barely showed anything... He's really a strong man! In every sense of the word. He must have been trained for that. How could you resist the pain so much? His hand trembled, but it wasn't enough.

Raven arrived at that moment: « What's taking so long? He stopped breathing. He started again but next time he might not. »

**« He won't tell us anything. »** You answered him, sorry, overwhelmed.

Raven grabbed the electrical cables... Wow, saying that I felt guilty for being cruel...that girl wasn't going easy, but after all, the boy she loved was dying downstairs. I'd never really been in love with anyone before, I didn't know what it felt like, love was a totally unknown feeling and I wasn't sure I believed it. For me love was a bit like Santa Claus and the tooth fairy... But I could understand his determination. If Octavia had been in Finn's place, I probably would have done much worse.

**« What are you doing? »**

**« Showing him something new. »**

It was there that she electrocuted him in front of our horrified eyes, especially Octavia's, who couldn't believe it.

**« Which one is it? Come on! »** Lincoln looked at Octavia and Raven begged him this time… **« He's all I have! »**

**« NO »** Octavia had the dagger in her hand... But what the hell was she going to find to do?

**« He's letting Finn die! »** Raven sobbed.

**« Octavia, no! »** I was shocked...Octavia had just slashed her arm with the same poisoned dagger.

**« He won't let me die. »** She explained that she was a little too sure of herself.

**« What’s the hell … »** She wouldn't let me complete my sentence or even touch her...she showed him the flasks and he ended up giving her the antidote. She gave you the vial and you and Raven ran off to try to save Finn.

I just stood there watching my sister who had just fixed everything...just by trusting him. Maybe he wasn't so bad... But Octavia was in a rage. She didn't accept my help when I tried to help her get up... **« Don't touch me… »** They looked deeply into each other's eyes...suddenly I no longer existed…

A few tens of minutes later I was cleaning the storm-ravaged camp with the others when I saw you getting out of the dropship. You were holding the hook with which I had tortured Lincoln in your hand, looking lost, exhausted, done... You must have wanted to heal the wound I had inflicted on him. I don't think I've ever seen you so confused since we arrived. You had lost all the determination you had shown. That made me sad. Without understanding why I felt so compassionate, I couldn't bear to see you so sad. I was walking towards you.

**« We'll get it cleaned up. »** I was talking about the camp, I didn't want to talk about Lincoln, about what I'd done. I knew you felt responsible for that, too.

**« I wish this was our only mess. »** I knew that the conditions of the camp were your last concern. Your distress was tearing my heart apart without me understanding it. I had never had this kind of empathy before, except for Octavia.

**« Clarke … »** I wanted to take the hook out of your hand... The touch of my hand on yours immediately made me feel strange. It wasn't the ideal situation, but I liked the touch. It felt natural to me, in fact. As if my skin had the memory of yours. As if we had done this before.

**« Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things. »** I tried to make you understand. My soul may not have been a paragon of virtue, but yours was pure and I could clearly read all its beauty. For a few seconds, our eyes held on to each other as if we didn't need to speak to understand each other. That was the case of course, it always has been and always will be…

**« What are we gonna do with him? We can't keep him locked up forever. »**

**« If we let him go, he'll be back and not alone next time. »** Your gaze was lost in the void while mine remained fixed on you, trying to decipher what you were feeling, to find the right words to calm you down. I wasn't really good at that, but I wanted to be, this time, for you.

**« Not easy being in charge is it? »** That's all I had to say to my new co-leader. We were nothing more after all.

Once again, you didn't answer anything, just looking me in the eye, resigned...I decided to leave you alone. You needed to be alone and it wasn't my awkward company that was going to help you. I would rather walk away than make you worse. And honestly, I needed distance too, I needed to think... Alone with my thoughts...Alone with your thoughts...


	6. I NEED YOU

I spent my time with Lincoln, wondering what I was going to do with him. Trying to find the right solution.

On the way down, I tried to patch things up with Octavia, but she had the temper of a Blake and was much more stubborn than I was. That's when you enter the shuttle...

« **Bellamy** »... I always liked the way you pronounced my name and I appreciated the softness you added to your voice over time... I miss it so much now.

« **The answer is still no. I’m not talking to Jaha.** » Yes, I saw you coming.

**« Hey, Relax, That’s not why I’m here.»**

**« What, then? »** I was always surprised when you came directly to me...

**« The Ark found some old records that show a supply depot not too far from here.»**

**« What kind of supplies? »**

**« The kind that might give us a chance to live through winter. I’m gonna go check it out. I could use backup. »**

More and more astonishing... I was dumbfounded by your request. You were asking me, the one you probably hated the most here, for help... Even Octavia seemed surprised.

**« Why are you asking me? »**

**« Well, because right now, I don’t feel like being around anyone I actually like. »**

That’s a good hit… I nodded my head with a little smirk on my face, trying not to seem offended. After all, I'd had it coming... I glanced at O who was ignoring me totally... I needed to get away a little too, and then it was the opportunity to try to make up for it with you... and to go away, definitively. This plan was born in my mind, I must admit... If my sister didn't want me around anymore and didn't seem to depend on me, what was keeping me here? Why should I stay here, expecting certain death as soon as the adults come down?

**« I’ll get my stuff, meet you in ten. »** I met you in Finn's tent. Finn made a pitiful face when he realized we were going on an expedition together.

You caught up with me as I was loading my ration bag with the nuts Jasper and Monty had found. I intended to leave, to leave the camp for good. I didn't want to face Jaha, I didn't want to see the disappointed look on my sister's face anymore. I had no reason to stay. And the young people, they had you and it was much better! It was decided, I will not come back with you from this expedition.

**« That’s a lot of rations. You realize this is a day trip. »**

**« A lot can happen in a day. »** t’ai-je répondu en regardant une dernière fois Octavia, me demandant si tu m'avais tout de même percé à jour.

I answered you by looking at Octavia one last time, wondering if you had still understood me.

The way to the bunker went smoothly. It felt good to be somewhere else and your company was pleasant. The road passed quickly. We didn't talk much, but the silence wasn't disturbing, on the contrary, it was soothing.

**« You know, the first dropship is gonna come down soon. Pretty sure you can't avoid Jaha forever.»**

**« I can try. »** We arrived above ruined old buildings. The place was partially flooded. To tell the truth, this sight was rather nice to see, a remnant of the old times.

**« The depot is supposed to be around here somewhere. There's got to be a door.»**

You didn't give up, though: **« Maybe he'll be lenient».**

**« Look. I shot the man, Clarke. He's not just gonna forgive and forget. Let's just split up, cover more ground. Stay within shouting distance. »**

I didn't want to hear you argue anymore. If you kept going, you were going to end up convincing me to stay. I understood then that only you and Octavia could give me a reason to not run away. For Octavia I understood, but for you...this fact disturbed me.

We entered the bunker as best we could after you found the door. It was completely dark inside. Luckily you had thought to bring lamps. So we went down into this sinister place... skeletons scattered on the stairs... **« Hell of a place to die.»**

**« So much for living down here. This place is disgusting. Damn it. »**

**« Anything left down here is ruined. »**

**« They must have distributed most of the supplies before the last bombs went off. Hey, I found blankets.»**

We started to open the chests that were there.

**« Hey, I found blankets.»** You informed me,

**« Excited about a couple of blankets? »**

**« Well, it's something.»**

**« How about a canteen or a medkit or a decent fricking tent? Argh! »** I couldn't stay calm for very long!

I kicked a big kick in a barrel full of fat... I did well for once...It was weapons inside... **« Oh my God »** I had found the wonder cave!

**« What? »** You asked me. I looked at you with a broad smile on my lips... It had been a few days since I lost my smile. This new discovery gave me hope again.

You picked up a gun while I was eating some nuts.

**« This changes everything. No more running from spears. Ready to be a badass, Clarke? »** I wish I could have just imagined how much you would be! The most charming badass in the universe... I can say it now.

**« Look. I'm not gonna fight you on bringing guns back to camp. I know we need them, but don't expect me to like it.»**

**« We're lucky the rifles were packed in grease. The fact that they survived means we're not sitting ducks anymore. You need to learn how to do this. »**

You simply nodded your head and began to take the weapon in your hand to practice.

**« So I just hold it on my shoulder? »**

**« Yeah, just a little higher now, that end. »** I explained to you by holding your shoulder to show you.

You didn't seem to care, but this sudden closeness to you disturbed me deeply. I was very close to you, my hand on you, my breath close to your neck. I suddenly felt the desire to get even closer. That feeling I had felt a few days ago when I grabbed your hand had come back...even more powerful. What was happening to me...No, it wasn't possible. I was used to being close to the girls... In fact, I was very experienced…Maybe too much though. But this sudden closeness to you... I didn't know how to explain it, it triggered reactions that I had never had before, in my heart, and others that I recognized well physically: desire. It bothered me enormously. I'd never felt like that before. I'd never felt that much before. And the fact that it was towards you upset me. I couldn't allow myself to be so close to you, but if it didn't seem to disturb you at all.

**« Yeah.Uh, that's good. Uh, watch and learn. »**

I was making a bit of a fool of myself since my weapon was apparently non-functional. You tried. And you liked it, to say the least.

**« That was amazing. Ha! Am I horrible for feeling that? »** You asked me as you turned to me.

I smile, of course not, you were anything but horrible, believe me! I was just shaking my head and smiling...

**« Try again.»**

**« No. We shouldn't waste the ammunition. »**

**« You need to practice.»**

**« No. We need to talk about how we're gonna keep guns around camp, where are we gonna keep them, and who has access. »** I shot.

**« You left Miller in charge of the grounder. You must trust him.»**

**« You should keep him close. The others listen to him. »**

**« I should keep him close? Bellamy, what's going on? You've been acting weird all day.»**

I looked away, not being able to hold up yours. You saw through me.

**« All the rations you took. You're gonna run. That's why you agreed to come with me. You were gonna load up on supplies and just disappear. »**

You seemed so disappointed.

**« I don't have a choice. The Ark will be here soon.»**

I understood then that you weren't going to let me do it so easily. I didn't understand why you wanted me to stay. You've tolerated my presence for some time, but to say that you liked me...

**« So you're just gonna leave Octavia? »** You seem surprised.

**« Octavia hates me. She'll be fine. »**

**« You don't know…»**

**« I shot the chancellor. They're gonna kill me, Clarke. Best-case scenario, they lock me up with the Grounder for the rest of my life, and there's no way in hell I'm giving Jaha the satisfaction. Keep practicing. I need some air.»**

And I left you standing there... The truth is, I couldn't hear you plead one more second. I didn't know why, but I would have listened to you, I would have done stupidly what you asked me, challenging everything.

Then the hallucinogenic nuts kicked in and I went out of my mind. Seeing Jaha accusing me of everything... It was actually my mind, I was blaming myself... All this guilt that kept haunting me...we never talked about it again... I wonder what effect those nuts had on you?

I was beginning to come to my senses when I saw Dax threatening me with one of the weapons we had found. I wanted to grab the weapon that I had been holding in my hand a few seconds before... but in fact, that too was a hallucination. There was no weapon. I was lost. This time it was the end. Maybe it would be easier to end it this way. Didn't I deserve it?

But suddenly: **« Put it down, Dax. »**

It was your voice. It wasn't a hallucination, because Dax turned sharply toward you...now aiming his gun at you. You were armed, too, but... **« Should've stayed down there, Clarke. I tried not to kill you, but here you are, and Shumway said no witnesses. »**

**« What is he talking about? »**

**« Shumway set it up. He gave me the gun to shoot the chancellor. »** I replied, still half stunned.

**« Walk away now, and I won't kill you. »**

I thought you were going to abandon me and I hoped you would. It was the best thing you could have done. But you stayed. You were too good to die here because of me.

**« Put it down.»** You ordered him again.

**« Your choice.»** He answered you. I understood at that moment that he would not hesitate for a single moment to kill you.

You tried to shoot, but unfortunately, your gun didn't work. You just had time to run behind the tree. That's enough time for me to rush him. There was no way you were going to pay for my mistakes. He wouldn't touch you.

**« No!! »** I yelled. He quickly regained the upper hand and hit me with all his might as he took up his weapon again. That's when I saw a stray bullet lying on the ground. He was trying to suffocate me when you ran towards him. **« Get the hell off him! »**. But why the hell did you come back? I wasn't worth it! You risked your life for nothing. I was a monster!

Of course it was just to distract him, because he hit you hard. You kept trying to save my life at the risk of your own, and I didn't even deserve it. My protective instincts overcame my desire to finish myself off, to let him kill me... I quickly grabbed the cartridge and shoved it down his throat. I had killed him... There's no way he's going to touch you. If I didn't deserve it, you certainly did. And I knew guys like Dax, he never would have given up.

It took me a few minutes before I came to my senses... I'd just killed someone, intentionally. He'd just acted like me a few weeks earlier, when I tried to kill Jaha. Maybe he had good reasons too...I got up to join you, you had leaned against a tree...Moaning. You looked like you were in pain. That bastard hadn't given you a gift and it was my fault. I put one hand on your knee and then I came and sat beside you. We were both struggling to catch our breath, our minds. That first nightmare we had just gone through together was going to seal our bond forever.

**« You’re ok? »** you asked me.

There was no need to lie to you...I had already understood that you read me like a book and I now felt confident with you. In fact, you were already the only person with whom I felt comfortable enough to confide in without taboos, without having to look like someone else.

**« No, I'm not. My mother... If she knew what I've done, who I am she raised me to be better, to be good. »**

I was looking at the ground, but I could feel your compassionate look on me. I couldn't stand it.

**« Bellamy... »**

**« And all I do is hurt people. I'm a monster. »** I could no longer hold back my tears. It was the first time that I was cracking up and more importantly, it was the first time that I let myself go in front of someone who was not Octavia or my mother. I just needed someone to take care of me in the end. Everybody needs it, don't they?

**« Hey... You have saved my life today. »** You were having trouble breathing. I was trying to look up at you... **« You may be a total ass half the time, but... »** This time my eyes fogged with tears supported your look full of sincerity ... I really didn't expect what you were going to tell me ... **« I need you. We all need you. None of us would've survived this place if it wasn't for you. »** I looked away...too many emotions all of a sudden. I was clinging to your every word like a lifeline. Did you really just say you needed me? I thought you hated me... Your green, now crying eyes told me otherwise. **« You want forgiveness, fine, I'll give it to you. You're forgiven, ok, but you can't run, Bellamy. You have to come back with me. You have to face it. »**

I held on to your words as if my life depended on them, promising to treasure them within me and seal them forever in my memory. I was trying to realize what you were telling me, what it meant to you, but...

**« Like you faced your mom? »** … And yes, I had heard about the fact that your mother was in fact responsible for your father's mistress and that you didn't want to talk to her...you must have been in so much pain...I didn't dare look at you...I had no right to tell you that...Yet, I wanted to make you understand that you could confide in me, I wanted you to feel as confident with me as I did with you. I wanted you to feel as confident with me as I did with you. I wanted to propose that you run away with me, the idea crossed my mind...I almost made my suggestion out loud, but I changed my mind.

You took a long time to answer...

« **You're right. I don't want to face my mom. I don't want to face any of it. All I think about every day is who we're gonna keep everyone alive, but we don't have a choice. »** You started staring at me again... I was ready to capitulate...

**« Jaha will kill me when he comes down. »**

You were shaking your head as if to make me understand that you wouldn't let him do it. It's strange how you were, how you are, the only person I feel really and totally safe with. Usually I'm the one who protects everyone and no one cares about me... Everyone but you. And neither my mother nor Octavia ever did. The most important encounters were prepared by the souls before the bodies even saw each other, it was obvious with you.

**« We'll figure something out. »**

There are glances that nibble the wings and others that give the strength to spread them. This time you had won... I would follow you. I needed you, certainly more than you needed me.I needed you badly and absolutely. Damn it, I didn't recognize myself anymore.

**« Can we figure it out later? »**

**« Whenever you're ready. »** These words had a double meaning for me... I didn't know if I was ever going to be ready...ready to face Jaha...but above all ready to let my feelings for you be born and evolve...ready to express them. You probably weren't either. Yet, there was something between us, something that was beyond me, something that troubled me, terrified me... We stayed there, so close, but not so close, physically close, mentally close... exhausted by what we had just lived through... And yet, I felt strangely at my place, calmed, complete. I think that deep down, we already needed each other. It is with you, placed one on the other's side against this tree, that I decided to go ahead and hope for a future...

* * *

We had finally returned to camp, carrying weapons... by the time Miller realized that Lincoln had escaped. To everyone's surprise, I reacted calmly.

**« Let the grounders come.»** All eyes turned to us. « We've been afraid of them for far too long, and why? Because of their knives and spears. I don't know about you. I'm tired of being afraid.» We looked at each other before revealing the weapons... Some looks were relieved, others disapproving...I let you continue.

**« These are weapons, ok, not toys, and we have to be prepared to give them up to the guard when the dropships come, but until then, they're gonna help keep us safe. »**

**« And there are plenty more where these came from. Tomorrow we start training, and if the grounders come, we're gonna be ready to fight.»**

Then I was going to advise Octavia that I would not leave and that even if she did not forgive me, she had to agree to live by my side.

**« Bellamy It's time. »** You came looking for me to talk to Jaha as I promised you ... my heart was pounding at a thousand miles an hour. I was afraid, but you were by my side, and that reassured me. I understood that you wouldn't let me down.

We stood in front of the screen ... Jaha was there: **« Mr. Blake, I've wanted to talk to you for some time now. »**

You interrupted him and I stared at you interrogating, it was not planned, I didn't know what you were going to say to him: **« Before you do, I'd like to say something. When you sent us down here, you sent us to die, but miraculously, most of us are still alive. In large part, that is because of him, because of Bellamy.»** I was staring at you in complete amazement at what you had just said. The fact that you thought that about me was enough to comfort me...you were so...extraordinary, amazing. I could hardly believe that a person like you could exist. I still think so today, after more than a century: you are daring, you are intelligent, you are beautiful. You are tenacious and authentic. No other woman is like you, because you have your own way of being, of perceiving and expressing yourself. You are the one and only woman to make me feel all these feelings so intense, you are the only one to fill my eyes with emotion just by your presence at my side.

**«He's one of us, and he deserves to be pardoned of his crimes just like the rest of us. »** You ended under my admiring and grateful gaze.

**« Clarke, I appreciate your point of view, but it's not that simple.»**

**« It is »** , I took the floor again, motivated by your words and your sudden confidence in me. **«If you want to know who on The Ark wants you dead.»**. The silence that followed was quite disturbing, so I sought the comfort of your glance. **« Bellamy Blake, you're pardoned for your crimes. Now, tell me who gave you the gun.** » Finally Jaha let go.

I smile, relieved of an enormous weight that had been weighing me down for far too long... Strangely, you're smiling too, you look as relieved as I am... You saved my life twice that day Princess. Our relationship was going to change forever. We were a team now. A very good team. With you by my side, I felt invincible. I wanted only one thing: to prove to you that I was a good guy and that I deserved your attention. It was time to kill that part of me that had always lived in pretense and let the best part of me be born, buried deep inside. I wasn't so crazy that I thought I deserved more...For now, your friendship should satisfy me...


	7. BEST UNITY DAY EVER

Unity Day ...

As rarely since we landed, everyone seemed relaxed and in a festive mood that day. Monty and Jasper had cooked up a little cocktail of their specialty. No fights in the air, no tension ... Everyone wanted to enjoy a little. I decided to stay on my guard anyway. Somebody had to keep an eye on the neighborhood in case there was a new threat... And then, after the hallucinations due to the nuts, I was not too motivated to get drunk. But since our discussion with Jaha and our closer relationship, my heart was light-hearted.

So I was on the sidelines, from where I could visualize the whole camp and look outward, when I saw a pretty blond and smiling head coming towards me.

« **Hey. The comms are still dead. They cut out during the pageant.** »

« **Best Unity Day ever.** » You looked at me and laughed... Now I can make you laugh! Your smile was frank, radiant and relaxed. Time remained as if suspended at each end of your lips. I don't think I've ever seen you so Zen since we met. On the other hand, there was no more animosity between us, the turning point in our relationship was confirmed and that relieved me. The battle-ax was indeed well buried. Your smile was contagious. It doesn't take much to be happy, but your smile meant a lot to me that day.

Yet, it was stronger than you, you had to worry about others.

**« Do you really think now is a good time to be having a party? I mean, the Grounder is out there. »**

**« Grounders. By now, he's made it home. He's probably putting together a lynch mob. Relax. I got security covered. »**

You nod your head... « **Why don't you go get a drink? You look like you could use one.** » I added with my charming smile, which usually works rather well and which with you, comes naturally... I realized that I was trying to flirt with you without necessarily having the intention to do so. You smiled back and looked at the rest of the camp.

**« I could use more than one. »**

**« Then have more than one. »**

We started laughing stupidly. If there hadn't been so much animosity between us a few days before, I almost thought we were flirting... And strangely still, I didn't dislike the idea. I really liked our new partnership. All the silly tensions of our beginnings were beautiful and well gone to make way for something new and nice. The beginning of a beautiful friendship, maybe even more. I was happy to see you relaxed that night and at that moment, nothing was more important to me than seeing you keep that smile on your face. I hadn't even noticed that Octavia had left. My head was elsewhere and that elsewhere had a more captivating look than the blue sky we had just discovered...

**« Clarke, the Exodus ship carrying your mother comes down here in two days. After that, the party's over. Have some fun while you still can. You deserve it. »**

You relaxed your gaze, looking like you were thinking... **« Yeah. Okay. »**

You began to leave in the direction of the festivities, but you stopped and turned back to me one last time: **« So do you by the way.»**

**« I'll have my fun when the Grounders come. »**

Once again I had managed to get you a nice smile... While pronouncing this sentence, another way to take pleasure crossed my mind, and it was much more pleasant... And no, I'm not talking about sex Princess...Oddly enough, I wanted much more than that with you, I always wanted more than that. Of course I desired you already, I'm not going to lie, but just putting my lips on yours, holding you against me and knowing that my feelings are mutual would be enough to make me happy.

I felt like I was finally myself and I didn't know how to interpret the warmth in my stomach as soon as you put the blue of your eyes on me, as soon as you dedicated one of your warm smiles to me. This warmth that was diffused in every part of my body, in every moment that I shared with you, I began to suspect... I understood what each part of me recognized since our first meeting: what it was like to be in love!

Even as I write these lines, if I have to die tomorrow, which I'm sure I will, all I'll ask is to be able to hold you close to me, feel your hand in mine, and kiss you tenderly so that I can finally make you feel the infinite love I feel for you... My dearest wish is that you feel the same, that I am certain of it and that I hear it from your pretty mouth.

**« All right.»**

It was nice of you to worry about me... You left for good, leaving me there, with a smile on my face. I felt... Strangely cheerful, almost silly to be so happy about such a small, harmless, but enjoyable exchange. I would have liked to follow you or for you to stay with me, but first things first. I didn't want to rush things, not with you.

**« Unity Day »** I say to myself... I couldn't help but keep smiling...I felt so silly...And yet so good.

A few hours later, I came out of my tent when you came to meet me. I had watched you having fun all night and it was enough to have a good time. You didn't look relaxed at all, on the contrary. You had regained your gravity, your serious look and your determination. You even seemed worried, out of breath. You were obviously looking for me.

**« Hey. I need to talk to you. »**

I was trying to lighten the mood, still wondering why you seemed so worried when you were having so much fun just a few minutes before. I had even seen you playing a drinking game... You were definitely more and more surprising, not at all the one I thought you were! **« Having fun yet, princess? »**

**« I'm serious. »**

I smile slightly, seeing that you were not joking anymore.

**« You always are, so talk.»**

You took a little break, as if you were afraid of my reaction, before announcing me: « Finn's set up a meeting with the Grounders.»

Indeed, it had cooled me down, I didn't have the heart to laugh either. I let you go on.

**« I'm leaving to go talk to them.»** But what was it in Finn's head that sent you straight into the lion's den?

**« Because you think that impaling people on spears is code for "let's be friends"? Have you lost your damn mind?»**

**« I think it might be worth a shot. I mean, we do have to live with these people. »**

**« They'll probably gut you, string you up as a warning. »**

And I wasn't saying that as a kidding. I wanted you to be aware of the danger. I wanted to scare you. But I was also afraid, actually. I was scared for you. What was Finn thinking, exposing you like that? He seemed to care about you! What an idiot!

**« Well, that's why I'm here. I need you to follow us, be our backup. »** Seriously? Did you trust me that much? Enough to let me have your back? Despite the urgency of the situation, I felt flattered.

**« Does Finn know about this? »**

**« Finn doesn't need to know »**

I couldn't think of anything more to say, but I kept staring at you...As if by looking at you I was going to read your thoughts... Did you finally trust me more than Finn? This idea touched me a lot, but at the time, all I could think about was protecting you. As if it was Octavia who was in your place. In fact, I'd never had that need with anyone but her. But it was obvious to me when I realized that this plan could go wrong at any moment and that you could get killed. The fact that you trusted me enough to ask for my help was a relief. Unlike Octavia, you seemed to accept my protection and perhaps even felt the need for it...

I can't imagine what would have happened if you hadn't picked me up that day.

**« And, Bellamy, bring guns.»** I just nodded my head. Of course I wasn't going to come empty-handed!

We went our own way.

I looked for Jasper to come with me. I trusted him and I knew he wouldn't give gifts to the natives. I finally found him in Raven's tent. I had to explain to Raven about her stupid boyfriend's plan (that's exactly what I told her). She wanted to come with me of course. Jasper wanted to come and tell you. I didn't bother to answer when Raven said you were already with Finn. I got out of the tent. We didn't have time for that.

We were getting close to the bridge because of the nuts you left on your way. Far enough away not to be noticed, close enough to be able to act and keep an eye on you. You took a look and we saw us, I hope that reassured you a little, that you knew I would have your back no matter what.

Octavia was there... I was so caught up in all this, by you, that I hadn't even noticed that Octavia wasn't at the camp. I was angry...So it was her and Finn who planned this! I was even angrier when I saw her jump on Lincoln's neck. She looked at him like he was the 8th wonder of the world. Did I have the same look when I looked at you?

So she was the one who had helped him escape, she had probably gone to see him several times. They seemed so close. In the end, it didn't make it any easier for me. She was there, I had to protect her first and foremost. I had to protect both of you. I was hoping I wouldn't have to choose... Once more a first time for me: I realized that I wanted to protect you as much as my sister, I put your life on the same level of importance as hers... I was right to come with reinforcements.

We heard noises on the other side of the bridge... You seemed very anxious, not at all sure of yourself. Suddenly Finn took your hand. You looked at him strangely, but you let him. It gave me a little pinch in my heart and Raven's face closed immediately. I could understand her. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to have brought her in after all.

I aimed my M4 to better visualize Octavia, still glued to Lincoln, when beautiful horses made their appearances. Seeing these majestic animals for the first time was a magnificent sight that I would have enjoyed to the fullest had they not been ridden by natives who did not seem at all friendly, warriors, who were heading straight for you.

You panicked when you saw that they were armed, so were we. Finn wanted to move forward with you, but Lincoln stopped him. Funny, he didn't seem so sure of himself anymore! It was still his fault you were there.

You went forward, alone, to meet the native woman, probably their leader. Luckily, Octavia stayed behind, which would make my task easier and I could concentrate on protecting you.

I couldn't hear anything you were saying to each other and I didn't like it. But I trusted you. If anyone could negotiate a deal, it was you. You reached out your hand to her, but she didn't take it. You talked for a few minutes, until Jasper noticed several natives hiding in the trees. They were ready to shoot. I didn't have time to react that he was already yelling at you to run and shoot them. I kept my eyes on you, fortunately. The native chief took a dagger out of her sleeve and was about to stab you, but I shot him in the shoulder.

You looked at me right away. It all happened so fast... Finn ran to you while I kept shooting. You passed between the arrows with awesome luck. One of the natives on horseback fired at Octavia, but to my relief and amazement, Lincoln jumped in front of her to take the arrow in her place. We set off again towards the camp, still petrified by what had just happened.

We ran until we lost our breath and then we stopped when we were almost sure not to be followed. I looked at Octavia then my gaze fell on you, you were there, alive...then I looked at Finn and threw him, on edge: **« You got anything to say? »**

**« Yeah. I told you no guns!»** He got angry with you. You didn't let him get to you, of course.

**« I told you we couldn't trust the Grounders. I was right. »** I couldn't stop looking at you.

**« Why didn't you tell me what you were up to? »** Raven asked him, obviously just as angry. **« I tried, but you were too busy making bullets for your gun. »** That's right, yeah…Liar! He didn't even look for it, I'm sure. What kind of boyfriend did he think he was? So that was the boy you liked and that got your attention... He was getting on my nerves.

**« You're lucky she brought that! They came there to kill you, Finn. »**

**« You don't know that! Jasper fired the first shot!»**

**« You ruined everything. »**...Octavia threw to Jasper, looking disappointed with him, turning her heels... Which made him very sad. I knew that he cared about my sister and that he would have liked to be more than his friend. He had saved her life on our first day and I would be eternally grateful. Jasper was a good person before he was broken.

**« I saved you!»** He replied. She didn't even turn around and continued to walk away. What my sister could annoy me when she was being so stubborn ... Today I tell myself that it's precisely because she and I are not so different. I saw myself when she was acting like that. **"You're welcome. »** He added, also walking away.

**« Well, if we weren't at war already, we sure as hell are now.»** Finn barked as if it was all our fault! You seemed as annoyed as I was. He added, **« You didn't have to trust the Grounders. You just had to trust me »** You didn't answer him, but you seemed uncomfortable. Like you couldn't trust him anymore. He left, Raven right behind him, leaving us both there.

**«Like I said, best Unity Day ever.»** I was annoyed. You huffed and puffed as if to approve of what I had just said. That's when we heard the explosion. It came from the sky. A ship had just entered the atmosphere, **« The Exodus ship? Your mom's early. »** You suddenly found yourself smiling again, reassured. Unfortunately, it didn't last.

**« Wait.»** You stared at the sky as if you were facing death. **« Too fast. No parachute? Something's wrong. »** The ship spat out in a huge explosion. You were in tears and collapsed to the ground. I didn't have any particular bond in that ship, except that we could have had reinforcements and finally been helped... But seeing you so helpless touched me more than I could admit, and I felt useless.

You had just seen your mother die in front of you, and there was nothing I could do to ease your pain. You probably wouldn't want my arms to comfort you... I wasn't comfortable enough to offer it to you... Seeing you like this broke my heart, I would have liked to absorb your pain and suffer in your place, to relieve you of some of your grief... I would have liked to blow on your distress like one hunts an unwelcome insect. You who had always been so strong... I couldn't bear to see you in this state, and it is still the case. I was looking for the right and strong words to heal your wounds but nothing came to me. Your heart was in pieces and I was unable to repair it. When you suffer, I suffer too, I found out that day.


	8. I AM BECOME DEATH

The next day, we went to the crash site... What a disaster! We were looking for answers, all we could find were nightmares. Raven wanted to understand why the shuttle crashed. We needed the black box. So I, like everyone else, was looking for it, with a gun on my arm, ready to shoot in case we were retaliated against the previous day.

I didn't dare to come and see you, or even look at you for fear of meeting your sad, inconsolable gaze. I felt uncomfortable with being useless. I didn't want you to think that I didn't care or that I didn't understand you. On the contrary, I knew all too well what the loss of a mother meant. I went through the same winding road that you are going through now. So I searched, that's all I could help you with. Raven suddenly yelled for you to stop. You had found a leak of hydrazine, a highly explosive product that Raven was demonstrating. It was enough to get us out of there, it was too dangerous. We wouldn't find the answer here. It was dark when we got home. As soon as we got to the camp, everyone came to see us, alerting us that Murphy was back, in a bad state. I thus went straight in the ship where he was. You followed me. I needed to let off steam after the last events. I confess that I was paralyzed when I saw his pitiful state. He hadn't had happy days, to say the least. I got everyone out, or almost everyone out. He explained that he was trying to escape from the grounders. When the others told me that they hadn't seen any grounders, I pointed my gun at him. « **Well, in that case…** »

« **Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?** ». Obviously Finn interrupted me.

« **We were clear what would happen if he came back.** »

Finn came to stand in front of my gun.

**« No. If he was with the Grounders, then he knows things that can help us.»**

**« Help us? We hanged him. We banished him, and now we're gonna kill him. Get the hell out of my way.»** On second thought, I was abusing it and I think today I used it as a way to let off steam.

**« No. Finn is right. »**... You walked towards Murphy... Well, this time I was really out of my mind. **« Like hell he is. Clarke, think about Charlotte. »** I was so angry that I was also taking it out on you, who really didn't deserve it. But I couldn't help it.

**« I am thinking about her »** You struck me with your eyes and that's enough to calm me down...a little. **« But what happened to Charlotte was as much our fault as his.»** I looked down, of course, you were right. « I looked down, of course, you were right.» You now seemed sorry, guilty...

**« You and the Grounders should compare notes.»** Damn, was Finn good at pissing me off.

**« The Grounders know we're at war. What did you tell them about us? »**

**« Everything.»**

The three of us looked at each other, you, me and Finn. We were in deep shit, no other words!

You got up and came close to me: « Once he's better, we find out what he knows, and then he's out of here, okay?»

You didn't wait for my answer and already headed for the exit. But I answered you anyway: **«What if he refuses to leave? What do we do with him then?»**

You looked at him, looking determined and cold. There wasn't an ounce of pity in your eyes. Then you said to me in the most natural way: **« Then we kill him. »** It seems that I wasn't the only one who wanted to let off steam, except that you, you couldn't be blamed, you had every reason in the world to want to get off your nerves. The only difference is that your choice was probably well thought out. You didn't let yourself be ruled by your emotions, unlike me.

A few hours later, the camp was in panic. A lot of people were starting to get sick. Raven came to tell me that you were crying blood and that you thought everyone who had been in contact with Murphy was infected. You had gone on the shuttle. So I went right away.

When I went in, you were next to Murphy, you turned around and told me to stay away. Your eyes were red and you had tears of dried blood on your cheeks...

« **Did he do something to you?** ». If that was the case, no one could have stopped me from killing him with my own hands. The only thing that mattered to me was your safety and you obviously weren't.

« **No** »...You answered me weakly, overwhelmed, exhausted, shaking your head.

I was overcome with terror when I saw you so weak and worried.

« **What the hell is this?** »

You looked at Murphy who looked even worse than when he arrived:« **Biological warfare. You were waiting for the Grounders to retaliate for the bridge? This is it. Murphy is the weapon.** »

He raised his head to me, bringing me more pity than anger.

I took a few minutes to come to my senses and regain my lucidity. You were healing him. Even when you were sick you couldn't help but care for others. Your altruism is one of the most beautiful qualities...and you have so many of them.

« **Is this your revenge, helping the Grounders kill us?** » I threw him.

« **I didn't know about this, okay, I swear.** ». His explanations were not enough. I needed a culprit. Someone I could take it out on.

« **Arrête de mentir! Quand viendront-ils?** » I shouted.

You tried to do the same, more peacefully of course. Thinking back, we were a bit like the good cop and the bad cop... And depending on the situation, our roles could be reversed, perfectly complementary to each other.

« **Murphy, think, all right? What can you tell us that's useful? Did you hear anything?** »

He shook his head. « **They are vicious, cruel.** »

I didn't let him finish. There was no time.

« **You want to see vicious? »**

You immediately turned around as I approached.

« **Hey, don't. Whatever this thing is, it spreads through contact.** » I wondered if it was to protect him or me that you didn't want me to move forward, but I listened to you.

That's when Finn came in, obviously very concerned about you. You were told not to worry (apparently also very worried about him), that no one should be there, that you didn't know what it was.... I could see that his presence did something to you and without wanting to realize why, it made me uncomfortable, I was jealous.

« **We just need to contain it before…** » That's when one of the kids started convulsing and vomiting on the other side of the ship. You didn't hesitate for a minute to go to his aid. Finn restrained you, but you told him not to touch you and to wash his hands.

Suddenly, nothing. You took his pulse... The panic started to take over again.

« **Is he...?** »

« **He's dead.** »

We were all staring into the void. Completely dazed.

You stood up and poured alcohol on Finn's hands.

« **What do we do?** » He asked you.

**« Quarantine. Round up everyone who had contact with Murphy. Bring them here »**

**« And everyone they had contact with? »** I asked.

**« Well, we have to start somewhere… Connor, who was with you when you found him? Who carried him in? Think. »**

**« The first one there was Octavia. »** I felt myself collapsing from the inside out. I had to find her. I had to find her now. I ran out of there in a hurry, overcome with anxiety. I found her in her room, daydreaming with Lincoln's notebook in her hands. Her disdain quickly evaporated when I told her about the virus sent by the grounders. I sent it directly to you for checking.

Of course, I didn't want to let her off the hook, whether or not she was at risk of being infected. I covered my face as much as I could. More and more people were getting sick. You examined her and determined that she didn't have any symptoms, but that it could change.

**« We need to keep her here just in case. »**

**« No way. Look at this place. She'll get sick just being here.»**

« Do you want to stop the spread, or not? » Again, you were aiming right. « **Look. I'll keep her on the third level with the people who aren't symptomatic yet. Think of it as a way to stop her from sneaking out again.** » You added to reassure me. Which worked.

**« Screw you, Clarke. »** Octavia obviously didn't like the way you reassured me.

**« I'll let you know if her condition changes.»**

I nodded my head and left the shuttle. Of course, I didn't know until afterward that your plan was to send Octavia out to ask Lincoln about the virus...

Several tens of minutes later, I finished giving the recommendations and sent those who were not affected back to their posts. You got out of the dropship, still staying right in front. I got just close enough to talk to you.

« **You got enough food in there, water?** »

« **Yeah. Some medicine might be nice.** » I smile at your comment. You were asking the impossible, as often... You seemed overwhelmed, exhausted, sick... And yet even like that I found you wonderful, splendid. Would I have thought that of a simple partner, of a person that I forced myself to hate a few days earlier? It should have alerted me to these feelings that had already begun to be born in me. I feel so bad about having struggled with it when it was so obvious from the beginning.

**« I'll see what I can do.»**

You smiled at your turn and turned back.

I shouted a little louder so that Octavia could hear me... « Octavia, you okay? »

No answer, and you stared at me, looking sorry as I wanted to go and check on Octavia by myself. « **Bellamy, wait. She's not here. I sent her to see Lincoln.** » I was so disappointed and shocked that I didn't know what to say right away. I would rather look away.

« **Look. If there's a cure, he has it. I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't let her go.** »

Anger took over, but I managed to stay more or less calm. You seemed so out of breath...I would just say before I turned my heels: « **If anything happens to her, you and me are gonna have problems.** »

**« Bellamy ... Bellamy»** You were trying to stop me, knowing full well that I was going to go into the woods to find her, as I was heading for the exit. But I couldn't turn around. If I came across your sincerely sorry look and your look so weak...I don't know if I would have listened to you or not. My sister had always been the one person more important than me, the only one I wanted to protect at the risk of my life, I had never had any doubt about that. But the more I got to know you, the less I was sure about it.

One of the guards at the entrance turned around, his face bleeding... The others did not hesitate to aim their weapons at him. I sent him to the dropship. That's when others began to fall like flies, spilling blood on each other. Panic was spreading throughout the camp, they were ready to kill each other to protect themselves. I was having a hard time dealing with the situation even though some of them were helping me, including Finn. We heard gunshots. It was you shooting in the air.

You took two or three steps forward, you were getting livid, your legs seemed to get tired. **« This is exactly what the Grounders want. Don't you see that? They don't have to kill us if we kill each other first.»** You were talking while moving slowly, at the end of your strength, when one of the guys pointed his gun at you.

« **They won't have to kill us if we all catch the virus. Get back in the damn dropship!** »

I stepped forward immediately, my protective instinct taking over, took his weapon and gave him a blow that directly calmed him down. I was angry with you ten seconds earlier, but there was no way anyone would take it out on you.

**« Not to state the obvious, but your quarantine isn't working. »**

You didn't have time to answer me. Your legs gave way and you collapsed, but Finn was fast enough to catch you, even though Raven yelled at him not to touch you. You asked him to rest, told him you were okay. But it wasn't true, and he knew it. I had a lump in my stomach to see you in his arms. I should have been more responsive, I would have been a few weeks later. Neither would I have hesitated to save you at the risk of my life... In fact, that's what I've been doing all these years, finally, or almost all of them.

**« Octavia will come back with a cure.»** You tried to reassure him.

**« There is no cure...»** Octavia had returned. Everyone turned to her, me first, relieved that she had returned safe and sound. She didn't seem to have any symptoms.

She added: « **But the Grounders don't use the sickness to kill. »**

« **Really? Tell that to them.** » I showed him the corpses piled up in front of the shuttle.

« **I warned you about seeing that Grounder again.** » I added. For once she doesn't contradict me, but...

« **Yeah? Well, I have a warning for you, too. The Grounders are coming... and they're attacking at first light.** » Then she walked towards you. I grabbed her in passing, but she got out of my way and told Finn she was going to help him get you inside, leaving me alone again.

Raven and Finn came up with the idea of blowing up the bridge... Great idea! But strangely, seeing the bomb Raven had built made made me uncomfortable. She seemed very proud of it when she explained how it worked. She still has an amazing brain! Always able to create crazy things out of almost nothing! Even then, we didn't realize the extent of her skills.

This was our only chance, otherwise we would all be dead by morning. I will shoot the bomb. I asked which one of them would plant the bomb. It took Finn a little too long to volunteer. If I noticed it then Raven must have noticed it too. Soon after, I started bleeding from my nose... I was visibly affected too. I was going to ask Jasper to shoot for me and then I collapsed on a tent.

I was carried inside the shuttle where Octavia rushed to my side as I vomited blood. I really felt like I was going to die. Octavia had no anger in her eyes at all. On the contrary, she seemed very worried. I think seeing me like this made her realize for the first time that she could lose me for good, and she was able to put herself in my shoes.

« **Hey, big brother.** »

« **I'm scared.** » I admit. She was the only one I could give myself over to at that time. Or almost. I had no idea that you too could read me like a book, that I wouldn't even need to talk to you, in fact, you would know how to decipher my soul better than anyone else, better than myself. I just had a glimpse of it and I gradually gained confidence.

« **I won't let anything happen to you, I promise.** » She said to me as she sponged my forehead.

« **That's what I said to you the day you were born.** »

**« I know. You told me that, like, a thousand times. »**

I grabbed her hand.

« **I'm glad you're here.** » She seemed to have forgiven me and if I had to die, I wanted her near me. Knowing that she wasn't angry with me anymore soothed me.

« **Just get some rest now, okay?** »

I started to cry, really thinking I was spending my last minutes...then I fell asleep with my hand in her. I needed someone's tenderness, love, and only my sister could bring it to me at that moment. Yet it was your face that I saw as I fell asleep.

I woke up I don't know how long afterward. Octavia was no longer near me, and I quickly noticed that you were no longer there either. I panicked. Were you dead?

Murphy came over and offered me some water, but I sent him away. Even if I die, I won't accept his help. It was his fault, he should never have come back. I was beginning to threaten him when you interrupted us: « **Hey, I got this one. Yeah**. ».. You were alive. You came and sat beside me, put a comforting hand on my back and handed me the cup of water that Murphy had been holding a few minutes earlier. You had regained color. I was so relieved. You were just starting to recover and you were already taking care of others...You were taking care of me most of all. I was bluffing. « **You feeling better?** » It was more of a statement than a question, but I wanted to be sure. It's crazy how, even when we were both in trouble, we already had the reflex to take care of each other.

« **Yeah.** »

« That's good.» I think you must have felt my comfort. I was really happy that you got better. Your health was much more important to me than mine.

« **You seen Octavia?** »

**« She was up all night helping people.»** You seemed to be proud of her too. You then specified:« **Murphy gave her a break.»**

« **Don't tell me you trust him now.** »

« **Trust? No. I do believe in second chances, though.** » You added by gazing at me, as if to tell me that you had given me one, which I had apparently been able to grasp? I looked away, embarrassed. « **It's almost dawn. Better get everyone inside. If we lock the doors, maybe the Grounders will think we're not home.** »

« **Not everyone is sick** »

« **Sick is better than dead.** »

« **You don't think Finn and Jasper are gonna pull it off.** »

« **Do you?** »

« **I'll get everyone inside.** » You resigned yourself.

A few minutes later, as we gathered everyone inside, we heard and especially saw the explosion of the bridge.

**« They did it.** » I said. Then you added calmly as my eyes gently touched you: « **I am become death, destroyer of worlds.** » You must have thought I was looking at you because I didn't understand, because you added: « **It's Oppenheimer, the man who built the first...** »

« **I know who Oppenheimer is.** » I interrupted you. That wasn't why I was staring at you, but because I understood exactly what you were feeling at that moment. I felt the same way, I felt connected to you in an incomprehensible and irremediable way.

Then we welcomed Monty and Jasper as heroes . Finn and Raven followed right behind, Raven was hurt.

At nightfall, I met you outside, in front of the graves, after searching in vain for you in the camp...

« **You're outside of the wall without a gun.** » I pointed out to you, annoyed by the fact that you are still putting yourself in danger.

« **Fourteen graves…** » It was indeed huge... I didn't know what to say so I changed the subject.

« **We need to talk about Murphy.** »

« **He was right about the bridge.** »

« **We'll see. Octavia says the mountain men are pissed, whatever that means.** »

« **I'd say it means we need as many soldiers as we can get.** »

« **So, what, we have pardon power now?** » You thought about it for a few seconds and then you said to me very smoothly while leaning towards me

« **It's hard running things.** »

I'm not saying anything more. You were right. Again and again. The voice of wisdom...

You add before returning to camp: « Fourteen… » 14 dead already...And I felt more responsible than ever.


	9. BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU STEP

I have come to relieve you of your guard. You were highly attentive, as usual, on the lookout for the slightest movement.

**« Anything? »**

You shake your head...

**« It's been two days. Maybe the bomb at the bridge scared them off for good. »**

**« You believe that? »** I kept my gaze on you, not being able to detach myself from your anxiety that I shared. We had to be confident for the others, in front of them. But between us, we could admit our fear.

**« No. They're coming.»** Saying it out loud has suddenly made you more fragile. Part of me needed to cheer you up. I already couldn't stand to see you so anxious... Yet I was too, probably even more terrified.

**« Jasper thinks he can cook up some more gunpowder if he gets some sulfur.»** I said as I left to explain their plan to you. I didn't need to ask you, you followed me naturally: **« And Raven says she can turn that into landmines. So be careful where you step. »** I took care to see if you were following me and if it was okay... I was so focused on you that I wasn't looking where I was going myself. I almost hit a tree in my face... which made you smile. Had you noticed that I was paying more attention to you than to myself? The selfish one who started to focus his attention on another person more than himself?

« **Ha! Funny.** » It's confirmation that you had noticed it... Shame.

« **What I really need is a thousand more of her tin can bombs I can roll into their village and blow those Grounders to hell.** »

You don't seem to like this idea, you glanced at me with that disgusted look on your face...you hadn't done it in a long time. So I understood that I had to justify myself... « **That's what they want to do to us.** »

You shake your head... « **Can't believe we survived a hundred years just so we could slaughter each other. There has to be another way.** » . My gaze was still as if hypnotized by you, by what you were saying, which of course was so right. You always had this way of thinking so thoughtful, so wise. You were younger than I was, but you were the most adult mind in this camp...and even years later, you were much more right than most adults. Kane and Jaha had noticed that. You would have made a great chancellor.

« **Any word from the Ark?** ». I switched topics, always focused on you, on the slightest of your reactions.

« **Radio silence.** »...You answered me, turning slightly towards me, your eyes meeting mine. I couldn't hold your gaze for very long, especially when it seemed so unarmed. I couldn't quite grasp the feeling it gave me. I probably fought against it. We weren't that close after all, and I didn't deserve that we get closer even if my company seemed to be more and more bearable, even pleasant at times. You were a princess, but above all a warrior, a survivor. I had fallen for you as soon as I saw you even if I didn't want to admit it. I was a warrior with a fighting spirit but I was afraid that you were a lost war...

« **Finally ran out of air.** » I let it slip away. You nodded your head and looked up to the sky. I lowered my head.

« **Maybe my mom was lucky being on the Exodus ship. At least it was quick.** » I was still looking at you... admiring your lucidity. You would have had every reason in the world to fall apart, but you were there, standing there, as strong as you could be, trying to overcome your sadness...You added: « **No one is coming down to save us.** » You returned to me... It was a no-brainer.

A few hours later, I was surprised by an explosion... The hut we were using as a reserve was on fire. Octavia had just come out of it, in shock. Apparently, one of the guys had put too much wood in the fire. Murphy started to beat him, I interrupted them. Even though this guy had totally screwed up, we didn't have time for that.

« **Hey, stop! Save it for the Grounders.** »

Octavia spoke to me, visibly very worried: « **Well, now what the hell are we gonna do? That was all the food.** »

I looked at the burning hut, then my eyes naturally turned to you... I prayed that you would find the solution...

Once the fire was out, I sat down in front of the ruins of our reserve, trying to gather my spirits and find a good solution to this nightmare and understand what had happened.... Honestly I didn't know what to do.

You came to join me. Just feeling your warm presence was enough to calm me down.

« **Any idea what happened?** »

« **Murphy says that Del kept feeding the fire, mostly because Octavia told him it was a bad idea.** »

« **And we believe Murphy?** »

« **I do.** »A few days before I would never have believed it, but you asked me to give him a second chance, that's what I was doing. And then, it was about Octavia, and I was never very objective when it came to her...

« **Yeah. We have some wild onions and nuts in the dropship. It's only enough to last us maybe one or two weeks. What's left here?** »

« **Nothing. It all burned.** »...

« **Then we have to hunt.** **Anyone we can spare goes out.** »

I hold you back as you were already on your way to gather the hunters.

« **With the whole Grounder army out there?** »

« **Look. We can't defend ourselves if we're starving.** » That's all it took to convince me. So I followed you to help you.

« **Each group takes someone with a gun, and they're for killing Grounders, not food. We don't have the ammo. Use the spears for hunting. Get what you can. Be back by nightfall. No one stays out after dark.** » I stayed at the camp to oversee the preparations and monitor the rest of the group. You decided to go hunting, accompanied by Finn. The fact that Finn accompanied you reassured me, I knew he would do everything to protect you. It was obvious that he had been in love with you since we arrived. And even though I didn't get along with him, he was a good guy, well, it was all relative (he kept bugging me and I didn't like the way he treated you and Raven)…But he was always better than me. However, picturing the two of you... I didn't like it!

Soon after, I entered Raven's tent to see where the ammunition was. But it was devastated, fleeing Raven that I found there. We needed her, more than ever. Besides, it was too dangerous out there. She was bound to get killed. I had to hold her back. I tried to reason with her despite her fiery nature. She was as stubborn as you are. Maybe even more so. I made her understand that she was exceptional, that we needed her. That no matter what, why she was so sad, she was able to move forward. She was a strong person who had already accomplished so much... I didn't know her very well, but it was obvious! Clearly what I told her worked...

At nightfall, everyone went home, everyone except you and Finn. I hoped that you had found shelter and were safe. I returned to my tent where I found Raven inside, surprised. I asked her what she was doing there. She simply answered me: « **They don't waste time. I'll get them that. What's it been, a day and a half?** »

I understood immediately what she was talking about and this thought also touched me even though I had no right to it. Perhaps she understood that I was the one it would affect the most, almost as much as she did? Maybe that's why she came to me? Jealousy, I had never felt it before you. It's a hateful feeling, even more so when we have no right to feel it. You didn't belong to me and probably never will, neither on loan nor from afar. In any case, you weren't the kind of person you could own, you didn't belong to anyone.

« **Mistaken me for someone who cares.** » I replied, looking like I didn't give a damn when, in fact, it did matter to me. « **Time to move on.** »

She sat down on my bed and started to undress...

« **What are you doing?** »

« **Moving on.** »

I watched her, not knowing how to do too much, how to act. I wasn't especially attracted to Raven even though she was a beautiful girl. I probably would have been a few weeks earlier. But something had changed. I wasn't so attracted to girls anymore...well...to other girls. Only one was on my mind. One of the only ones I couldn't have, shouldn't have. She deserved better... This idea came to me at that moment. I really had a serious problem. I didn't recognize myself anymore. The old Bellamy was just a ghost. Without even realizing it or intending to, you had changed me. This new feeling that was becoming more and more in my heart as we talked made me a better person.

Raven approached me... « **I've never been with anyone but Finn. Take off your clothes.** ». I didn't move, I was lost. I knew it was wrong and that it wouldn't help her.

« **Fine. I'll go first.** » She continued by taking off her T-shirt. I didn't even dare to look at her so I stared into her eyes...

« **If you're looking for someone to talk you down, tell you that you're just upset and not thinking straight, I'm not that guy.** » She glanced at me...

« **Good.** »

Then she kissed me and I finally let myself go... I'm not going to draw you pictures about what happened next... I'm really not proud of it. It was just another sex moment. A way to think about something else for a few minutes. It was what she wanted. I don't know why I did it. Probably the old me was still there at the very back and didn't want to give up a moment of pleasure like that even if it was wrong. Probably it was also a way to " revenge " on your relationship with Finn, even though it didn't make any sense that I would be touched by it....

I don't know if you were aware of this, but since this is the time of the great confessions... I don't want to hide anything from you. Besides, it didn't matter to me. I don't think Raven ever mentioned it... The only time was when ALIE was in her head and I don't think so, I didn't expect you to have heard...

If I am telling you this, it is also to confess something else... when she was in my arms that night, it was you I was thinking about... I don't know how it happened. One more thing that disturbed me a lot when we finished and I opened my eyes...completely disturbed by what had just come over me...You were much more important to me than I wanted to admit. No one had troubled me as much as you Princess. I had never felt that way about anyone before and I didn't imagine it was possible. It terrified me more than any grounder.

Raven left right away. I asked her if it had helped... Of course the answer was no. It had helped me, indirectly and involuntarily. One more piece added to the puzzle.

You have probably understood it by now, I fell in love with you even before I knew what love was. I've never loved anyone but you and I know I will never be able to love anyone else, never as much as you do. Able to bond maybe, but not to love. You are my definition of love. My first love, my last love, my only love...undisclosed.

Then we learned that it wasn't just the two of you, there was Myles with you. I hadn't even noticed that he hadn't come home either! What a bad leader I was. It shouldn't have surprised me that he left with you, that kid was ecstatic in front of you, and I wouldn't have blamed him for that! When we realized that your absence may have been due to an attack, we decided to go looking for you. Octavia and Raven soon found Myles who told us that grounders had kidnapped you. We had to bring Myles back to camp. The idea that you were probably dead came to me. I looked at Raven who must have felt even more guilty than I did. She had thrown herself at me for nothing... And even though she was angry with Finn, she couldn't accept his death. I was trying to stay focused... That's when Monty was kidnapped too... We decided to hurry back to the camp before we were attacked again. I couldn't rely on you to help me deal with all this mess anymore and I needed to keep my mind clear, put your thoughts aside...

Raven and Jasper wanted to bring you back. A part of me wanted to do the same. But I couldn't abandon the camp, I couldn't abandon these kids. We had to protect ourselves. I had to keep them alive, I was on my own now, and these young people were my responsibility, they trusted me. I was trying to stay focused on that. I had to think that you were already dead. That was the only way I could stay focused on what was happening in the camp. Deep down inside, I was hoping that no, I was hoping that you would be able to get out of this situation. But I wasn't supposed to think about it, not right now.

Then there was Murphy's overturn... I thought I was going to die. Really. But Octavia was going to live and that's what mattered to me. Of course I was terrified, but after all it wasn't what I had done to him. Being hung from that rope made me realize how stupid I had been when we landed. Just when I thought I was living my last few seconds, your image came over me again. My sister was alive and I prayed that you were too. She would need you to protect her, they would all need you. Without you and me...who was going to make it through this?

Thanks to Jasper and Raven, I was saved, unfortunately at the cost of her leg. Murphy had run away. I didn't have time for him. I didn't have time for revenge anymore. I made the decision to go with Jasper in search of you. We had to at least try. They had saved me. I would have died without them. I had to try to save you if there was any hope left. Jasper threw himself into my arms when he understood that I would not abandon you. I won't abandon you, I will never abandon you again.


	10. WE CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU

We hadn't had time to leave before you got back. Everyone was so relieved to see you. Me first.

« **Hey, we heard an explosion. What happened?** » You asked me.

« **Murphy happened.** »

Jasper jumped into your arms, but suddenly realized that Monty wasn't with you and his smile darkened immediately.

Finn then took the floor: « **Clarke, we need to leave, now. All of us do. There's an army of grounders, unlike anything we've ever seen, coming for us right now. We need to pack what we can and run.** »

« **Like hell we do. We knew this was coming.** » We didn't do all that for nothing. I didn't want to leave the camp, our home.

« **Bell, we're not prepared.** » Answered my daughter.

« **And they're not here yet. We still have time to get ready. Besides, where would we go? Where would we be safer than behind these walls?** » I looked at Finn as he spoke again: « **There's an ocean to the east. People there will help us.** »

« **You saw Lincoln.** » Octavia included.

« Yeah.»

« You expect us to trust a grounder? » I didn't know what to say, how to argue...

I went on trying to convince everybody: « **This is our home now. We built this from nothing with our bare hands! Our dead are buried behind that wall in this ground! Our ground! The grounders think they can take that away. They think that because we came from the sky, we don't belong here. But they're yet to realize one very important fact: We are on the ground now, and that means we are grounders!** »

Everyone seemed to agree! I had motivated the troops. That's what I did best. Only a few people looked at me with doubts, including you.

Someone shouted: « **Yeah! Grounders with guns!** ». Exactly my point.

« **Damn right! I say let 'em come!** ».

I couldn't finish... You stepped forward and finally spoke.

« **Bellamy's right. If we leave, we may never find a place as safe as this. And God knows, in this world, we could be faced with something even worse tomorrow. But that doesn't change the simple fact that if we stay here, we will die tonight. So pack your things. Just take what you can carry, now. Where is he?** »

My speech may have convinced the crowd, but yours beat him to the punch…I had to admit it. You turned to me as if to say you were sorry for ruining my plan. I didn't know what to say. Raven appeared again, her leg bleeding. Finn rushed to her and brought her to the shuttle. You were going to join them, but I was holding you back: « **Clarke, leaving here is a mistake.** »

« **The decision's been made.** »

« **Crowds make bad decisions. Just ask Murphy. Leaders do what they think is right.** »

« **I am.** » You don't tire me out of negotiating.

I followed you in the dropship after having taken a look at our people who were doing exactly what you asked them to do. You knew how to make them obey you...

You tried to heal Raven, who was in a very bad way, while I looked at Lincoln's sketchbook and wondered if the reapers could be useful to us. But you quickly replied that it was not an option.

I was starting to argue with Finn when you interfered.

« **All right, that's enough. It's time to go.** »

« **If they follow? It's a 120-mile walk to the ocean.** »

**« Look, we're wasting time. If he wants to stay, he can stay.** » What Finn could irritate me ... It almost seemed like it would have made him feel better if he had me out of his hair. It was as if the jealousy I was newly feeling towards him was mutual... But there was no reason for him to be, was there?

« **No, he can't.** » You added vigorously what made my heart beat faster. Once Finn was out, you approached me and said in a softer tone: « **We can't do this without you, Bellamy.** » You couldn't leave without me, or maybe you didn't want to. You had already managed to change my mind, but I didn't want to lose the game so easily.

« **What do you want me to say, Clarke?** » I was angry, but I knew you were going to convince me. There was no way I was going to abandon you even though I knew we were heading straight for a precipice.

« J **I want you to say that you're with us. Those kids out there, they listen to you.** »

« **They're lining up to go. They listen to you more.** »

« **I gave them an easy choice. But 5 minutes ago, they were willing to fight and die for you. You inspire them.** » You had a knack for finding the right words...

I probably inspired them, but you... you inspired me, already. I was better with you by my side and I realized that...

« **I'm afraid we're gonna need that again before this day is through.** » Then you left me alone with a decision to make. The decision was already made. It was out of the question in any case that I let you and O leave without my protection. So much the worse if it was a suicide plan and I had to die. I will die protecting you.

We left the camp several tens of minutes later. We let everyone out. You came towards me as the camp was emptying... « **You did good here, Bellamy.** »

« **18 dead.** »

« **82 alive. You did good.** »You were really the only person who found something positive in me. Even in the worst situations, you brought out the best in me. You seemed to believe in me more than I did, even though I had only known you for a few weeks, and knowing is a big word. In the end we didn't really know each other, and yet, I had the impression that you knew me even better than Octavia, whom we had known forever. It didn't make any sense and yet it resonated in my whole being.

I turned off the fire. Then we left to join the others, side by side. And in that solemn moment, all I could think of was the burning desire to hold your hand in mine to face this new adventure together. But it was too soon, it would probably always be too soon. Fortunately for me, this simple contact would later become natural between us.

We had not gone more than 1.5 miles when grounders attacked us. We had to turn back. We returned to the camp in a state of panic.

Everyone was shouting and running in all directions. I went directly to watch the surroundings. It didn't take long before you joined me. I asked you: « **Where are they?** **Why aren't they attacking?** »

« **Because we're doing exactly what they wanted us to do.** »

« **What are you talking about?** »

You turned to Finn who was right below:« **Lincoln said the scouts would be the first to arrive.** »

« **If it's just scouts, we can fight our way out. That's what Lincoln would do.** » Octavia answered.

« **We're done doing what that grounder would do. We tried it and now Drew is dead. You want to be next?** »

Finn imposed himself: « **That grounder saved our lives. I agree with Octavia. For all we know, there's one scout out there.** »

Jasper spoke: « **One scout with insanely good aim.** »

« **Clarke, we can still do this.** » Octavia and Finn looked at you full of hope...

« **Looking to you, Princess. What's it gonna be? Run and get picked off out in the open, or stand and fight back?** » You looked at me and then turned around, looking towards the woods and went down... Finn intercepted you... « **Clarke. If we're still here when Tristan gets here...** »

« **Lincoln said "scouts." More than one. He said, "get home before the scouts arrive." Finn, they're already here.** » You looked back at me: « **Looks like you've got your fight.** » That's all I needed...

« **Ok, then. This is what we've been preparing for. Kill them before they kill us. Gunners, to your posts. Use the tunnels to get in and out. From now on, the gate stays closed. »**

Octavia also set off for the outpost. I tried to stop her: « **Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not a gunner. »** But she returned my own words « **No, I'm not. Like you said... I'm a grounder.** »

You joined me when I was disturbed by the leaving and the bravery of my little sister.

« **So, how the hell do we do this?** »

We entered the ship to organize our defense.

« **We've got 25 rifles with 20 rounds each, give or take. Roughly 500 rounds of ammo. While you two were gone, we made some improvements. Thanks to Raven, the gully is mined. »**

« **Partially mined. Thanks to Murphy.** » Raven specified.

« **Still, it's the main route in. If the grounders use it, we'll know. She also built grenades.** »

« **It's not many.** » You noticed.

« **Again, thank you, Murphy.** »

« **We'll make them count. If the grounders make it through the front gate, guns and grenades should force them back.** »

« **And then?** » You asked me.

It was Raven who answered: « **Then we close the door and pray.** »

« **nd pray what? That the ship keeps them out? Because it won't.** » You turned towards me.

« **Then let's not let them get through the gate. All foxholes, listen up. Keep your eyes and ears open. Inflict casualties, as many as possible. You can hold them off long enough to make them turn back. That's the plan.** »

Finn added sarcastically: « **That's always your plan, just like the bomb at the bridge.** »

« **Damn right. You got a better idea?** »

« **It can't be that simple.** »... You added, thoughtfully. You had a better plan. Of course I did. You turned to Raven :« **You said there's fuel in those rockets, right? Enough to build 100 bombs.** »

« **I also said we've got no gunpowder left.** »

« **I don't want to build a bomb. I want to blast off.** »

Raven understood right away what you were getting at. She obviously liked your idea...

« **Draw them in close. Fire the rockets. A ring of fire.** »

I understood too.

« **Barbecued grounders. I like it.** » You were really resourceful Princess, a real strategist. The idea of the century. I was proud of you and I think everyone could see that.

« **Will it work?** « Finn remained doubtful, as always when the idea didn't come from him.

Raven explained that it was probably going to be complicated, but it could be done if we gave her enough time. The plan was on... I was with the others outside while you were getting the explosion ready in time. That's when we heard the drums of war. The outposts were starting to fire. Raven's mines were working.

Suddenly I heard you ask Jasper to join you on the shuttle.

« **Negative. We can't give up the west woods. »**

« **The west woods are mined, Bellamy. The grounders just figured that out. Jasper, get in here.** »

Jasper in turn took the walkie-talkie: « **All gunners, listen up. The grounders are not attacking. They're making us waste bullets. Don't shoot when they're running laterally.** »

« **Jasper's right. Don't fire until you're sure it's attack. Repeat, do not fire until you are sure.** »

Shortly afterward grounders launched the attack. One of them surprised me by jumping on me... Octavia saved my life by cutting her throat.

« **Admit it. You want one. Uhh!** » My brave little sister, I was so proud of her, and that was normal. I had felt the same sense of pride for you a few minutes earlier, which was much less logical, we technically had no link.... Or maybe, on the contrary, our bond was much stronger than a blood bond. I didn't have time to thank her when an arrow went through her. Luckily it was not in a vital place. I had to bring her back inside the camp...

Suddenly an explosion came from the sky. The ark had entered the atmosphere.

After a pause of a few seconds thanks to the surprise created by the arrival of the ark. The attack resumed, but the reapers arrived thanks to Finn and Lincoln... Grounders had to defend themselves. Leaving us a few minutes of respite. I had not yet managed to reach the camp and it was swarming with grounders and reapers. Octavia wanted me to leave her.

Lincoln appeared. I had to admit that it was because of him that we had more time and he really seemed to care about my sister's condition. He offered to take her with him to save her... I didn't take long to think about it. Considering the situation and his attachment to her, it was the best solution. Moreover, he was strong enough to protect her. Who else would do it here besides me, or maybe you. If something bad happened to me, she would at least be in good hands and have a chance to survive. That was the only thing that mattered to me.

« **Go. Let him help.** »

« **No way. I have to see this through. »**

« Y **ou can't walk and I can't get you back to the dropship.** »

« **He's right. This fight is over for you.** » Lincoln added.

« **O, O, listen to me. I told you my life ended the day you were born. The truth is... it didn't start until then. Go with him. I need you to live. Besides... I got this.** »

She took me in her arms as she hadn't done in a long time.

« **I love you, big brother.** » Those were the most beautiful words I could hear, that I needed to hear.

« **May we meet again**.»

« **May we meet again.** »

Lincoln grabbed him and I finally told him, making him understand that I was entrusting him with my dearest possession: « **Keep her safe.** » Then they left and I returned to the camp as the grounders had gotten rid of the reapers.

I tried to go back, but they were all in the camp. I saw you and Finn in front of the shuttle entrance, trying to cover the back of the last fighters.

I heard Finn: « **There he is!** », visibly talking about me. « **He's never gonna make it. Bellamy, run!** » you shouted to me, begging, the terror winding your pretty voice.

I grabbed a gun... it wasn't loaded. That's when Tristan, the great native warrior, ran at me and attacked me. To my great surprise Finn came to my rescue, I didn't really understand why, he didn't like me at all... Was it because of you that he had helped me?

Out of the blue, I heard a « **Clarke, you can't save everybody. Let's go! Let's go.** »It was too late to go back now. I tried as hard as I could to get away from the dropship, knowing what was going to happen. It took longer than expected, but the explosion happened. Ruining everything in its path... Fortunately Finn and I had had time to escape, but we were separated... I was alone now, and I had to get away, as there were probably still some natives around. I hoped that you were safe inside. That you were safe. You had saved them all! You made it. I knew you could do it. You didn't need me after all. My next mission would be simple: to get to you as soon as possible.


	11. NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE

The following days were quite strange. I found Finn who had been captured by Tristan and then Kane and his guards saved us. Your mother joined us and we went to the dropship to look for you. We discovered that you were all missing. There was no one left on the ship except Murphy and Raven. They didn't know where you were either. We were then convinced that you were with the grounders. Who else could it be? We had no idea about the mountain people. And if you had died, your bodies would still be there, there was still hope. I had to keep hope. I had to find you, all of you.

I was trapped once again after getting on Murphy's nerves. The adults were back, and I wasn't really sure if it was good news, actually. Kane made it clear to me that I wasn't in charge anymore. You obviously weren't a priority for him. We went back to the Ark camp. Finn and I were determined to come looking for you. Strangely, it brought us closer together, we now had a common goal. We were forced to cooperate and we had the same goal. Before leaving the dropship, handcuffed to my wrists, I saw your mother leave you a message so that you could find us... It gave me a big pinch in my heart. Where the hell were you? I needed you in this new camp. I needed my co-leader, my friend, my only real friend actually. Because, yes, you had become one, you were the first and maybe the only person to make me believe in myself, and much more than myself. I prayed that you were still alive, and I have to admit that I was more afraid for you than for the rest of the camp.

So I became isolated in a kind of cell where Kane was interrogating me. I was trying to convince him to let me join the research team, and to send it away as soon as possible. But it was apparently not on his bucket list. Luckily your mother quickly realized that trusting us was her best option for finding you. She helped us escape, with the help of Miller's father, giving us weapons. I knew where you got your character and strength from. Your mother wasn't impressed by anyone.

I also decided to give Murphy another try as you recommended. And this time it was the right one. We took him with us. I didn't trust him completely, but he would be useful to us in finding the grounder camp, or so I hoped.

We discovered this grounder who was wearing your watch around his neck. Finn recognized it right away, you told him it was your father's. You wouldn't voluntarily give it up. So we captured him for questioning. Finn took us to the bunker where you were meeting. I must confess that for a few seconds I imagined the two of you here...and I felt a little bit jealous, even envious of him. But I didn't have time to analyze that. We had more important things to do.

Finn clearly freaked out when we tried to get the information from the grounder. He even went so far as to point his gun at me. I was just trying to calm him down, get him to come to his senses. I wasn't particularly a big fan of Finn, but he had a good heart and I could see him going really badly. He was acting like me at the very beginning of our landing, he was even worse than me at that moment. He was willing to do anything to find you. I probably would have done the same for Octavia, or maybe not. I didn't understand him at the time, but today I understand him. Today I would probably have acted like him, I even did much worse than him in the end. As time goes by, I will lose my mind more and more every time your life will be in danger.

Of course, I wanted to find you, to find all of our people. But that didn't drive me as crazy as he did. I was doing my best to keep my wits about me. Somebody had to do it, and without you around, I had to take on that role...

The grounder finally gave us some information. That's when Finn killed him... It was really not necessary. Especially since the information was finally wrong, but we didn't know that yet. He shot that grounder in cold blood while unarmed. I never would have thought him capable of such a thing. Honestly, it wasn't Murphy I was most worried about anymore. Finn had gotten out of control. On the road to the grounders village designated by our captive, we found the debris of one of the stations of the Ark that had crashed, dozens of corpses lying on the ground... Another sad sight. They were all dead. All except a young girl, Melanie, who called for help and was suspended from a branch below the cliff. Finn wanted to leave her there. He even managed to convince me that we would have a better chance of saving you if we left right away... But Sterling had already gone down.

The rope unhooked, Sterling disappeared under our eyes... I wasn't going to abandon this girl. As I explained to Finn and tried to convince myself, you might be dead, we weren't sure about you, but we knew that this girl could still be saved and I refused to believe that Sterling had died in vain.

I went down after building another rope that I hoped would be stronger. I thought we were really going to end up on it, but I managed to get it up. Fortunately, Murphy, Monroe, and Finn did not let us down despite the grounders' attack. The warning of the toxic cloud helped them to get rid of the grounders and to bring us up to the top. If I hadn't saved you, I had at least managed to save that girl...I was relieved that I hadn't let her down just after we got back up, we found Octavia. It was her who had saved us. I was so happy to find her healthy again. Obviously, she was too. She told me about Lincoln. I didn't particularly like Lincoln, but he had saved my sister and I was beginning to like him, apparently at the risk of his life. I was indebted to him and I felt sorry for my youngest daughter who seemed to really love him... But what did I know about love at that time? The only love I really knew was the love of blood, the love I had for Octavia. She taught us that the arrows must be poisoned. So I had to bring Monroe and Melanie back to the camp so that they could be treated. Finn understood this and left me the map indicating how to get to the village. So I let him go with Murphy, to whom I entrusted a weapon, not knowing if it was a good or bad idea, both were not controllable. I would join them as soon as I could, of course, but I had to get the girls to safety.

So we returned to the camp, exhausted, but alive. I had no idea what was going to happen. Monroe and Melanie left with your mother after I briefly explained the situation to her. I didn't tell her about you, I didn't dare.

I was staying at the camp’s gate with Octavia and was getting ready to move forward when a small blonde force ran towards me, jumping on my neck without me having time to see it coming... It was you, my Princess. You clung to me as if your life depended on it, as if I was the most important person for you. At first, I was confused, I didn't dare to move, if it was really you, I didn't realize and wondered if I wasn't dreaming. But no, it was really you, all against me, surrounding me with your arms, your head nested on my shoulder, breathing in my neck... We both had our disagreements, but damn how I missed you! I hadn't felt whole since your loss and finding you made me whole again. Then I was overwhelmed by the relief of knowing you were alive, and feeling you close to me reawakened those feelings that I was trying to bury...I couldn't resist for long and I would hug you back, as hard as I could. Maybe even stronger than you. Now I tell myself that I must have hurt you or broken something... But I needed it so badly. The world stopped, I felt like I was in my place, and that feeling was rare to me. I felt at home...in your arms. I wished I'd never let you go. I felt you smiling down my neck. I could feel your breath. There was nothing else that mattered anymore. I could have stayed like that for hours and I felt like you did too. You moved your arm a little and put your nose on my shoulder as if you felt me... I breathed your hair back...you were alive...alive and in my arms! This contact seemed to really make you feel better and happier.

Better than that, it was you who had thrown yourself at me. I didn't know what it meant and I didn't care. I kept my eyes closed to enjoy the moment even more. Each protecting the other from the rest of the Earth, each representing the rest of the Earth to the other.

« **Now, there's something I thought I'd never see.** » I heard Octavia behind us utter this sentence with a small smile. It brought me back to reality. I thought she was talking about our friendship. I know today that it was the moment when she understood that I loved you, and much more than a friend... She knew me well after all. In fact, she was the person who knew me best...until then. She was probably the first to realize the strong bond between us, while I was still trying to hide it from myself, to repress it, while you were perhaps hiding it from yourself, I may never know.

You were the first to loosen your grip. You stepped back a little bit and looked at me as if it was the first time you saw me, the first time we REALLY discovered each other. I can't tell what your look was trying to convey. Perhaps you were yourself troubled by what had just happened. If things had been done by instinct, it would have meant much more. I think it was that moment that gave me hope and left me for good, admitting, and letting my feelings develop. You had already started to erode the shell I had built up. You had totally blown it off when you hugged me. And I will never be able to rebuild it again...

You have to realize that I love you for what you are, for your impertinence and fragility. I love this shell that you put on to show that you are strong, but also the adorable turtle underneath that reveals itself when you feel confident. Exactly as you did at that moment when you were making an even bigger place for yourself in my heart. You then took Octavia in your arms, much more briefly, as I tried to come to my senses and understand this precious moment we had just experienced.

« **I’m glad you're ok.** »

« **You, too.** »

Then I asked you: « **How many are with you?** »

« **None** »

Raven was joining us and you noticed that Finn wasn't there.

« **Where’s Finn?** » You asked eventually.

« **Looking for you.** » I simply replied to you while the anxiety had just tarnished your pretty and happy look...


	12. THERE'S NO GOING BACK NOW

A few hours later, your mother came to warn us that they weren't going to look for Finn and Murphy.

« **What? No. You can't just cut them loose.** »

« **Sweetheart, we don't have the manpower to send out two separate rescue missions and protect our camp.** »

You were so angry. Seeing you stand up to your own mother was quite a sight! 2 women with guts and neither one was going to let go! I let you handle it, but I could feel the irritation rising...

« **Mom. They're in trouble. They’re either gonna get themselves killed or they're gonna make things worse with the Grounders, who we need to get our people out of Mount Weather.** »

« **I know you feel this is unfair. But our priority has to be with Chancellor Kane if there is any hope for peace.** »

« **If you wanted peace, you shouldn't have killed the only Grounder who was gonna help us.** »

« **I’m sorry. The decision's been made.** » Well, now I obviously had to do something about it. You needed my support.

« **You’re sorry? Finn and Murphy are out there looking for your daughter with guns you gave us, and now she's home, you're just going to abandon them?** » My words obviously made your mother think.

You looked at her with a little hope. I continued to move forward. « **If you can't spare the guards, we know the terrain, we have a map. We can do it ourselves.** » You were back, I felt capable of anything. There was no better team than the two of us together. There hasn't been one since, it seems to me. Your mother didn't know it at the time, but I think she soon realized that... That "we" was so precious, that "we" could do the impossible, we were stronger than anything. Together, we went through every step of life supporting each other, holding each other's hands. It has always been like that between us, despite the trials and mistakes that each of us may have made.

« **Absolutely not.** »

« **Mom.** »

« **I just got you back.** » You didn't dare to answer her, neither did I. I could understand that, having just found you safe and sound, she didn't want you to risk your life. I would have done the same with Octavia. I will soon do the same with you... Many times I wish I had put you in a glass box to protect you from the world.

Jackson came to interrupt us, they needed Abby.

« **You better go.** »

**«Byrne? No one leaves this camp.** » Your mother gave the order without taking your eyes off you, getting the message across... She left, giving me an icy look that meant everything.

It obviously didn't worry you since you turned to me right away: « **We’re gonna need guns.** »

We put Raven in the confidence of our plan, she showed me the bags with the weapons they had prepared for us when you joined us out of sight...

« **Hey. My mom's in surgery and the team going after Kane just left. We should, too.** »

« **Did you find Octavia?** »

« **No. I found you.** » My little sister answered when she came up behind me. « **I’m not letting you leave here without me.** »

« **Octavia...** »You didn't have time to continue. She must have been too used to me brooding her. She thought she was going to be forbidden to come.

« **Finn and Murphy are headed for Lincoln's village. I’ve been there. Have you? Has she?** »

I couldn't help but smile...

« **You done?** » I then told her that you had just given me the bag that you had carefully prepared for her.

« **What’s this?** » She asked.

« **Your pack.** **Lead the way.** » We looked at each other with a little smile. I was proud of the surprise and to see her delighted with my decision. I imagine now that she must have been relieved that I stopped overprotecting her and that I finally trusted her.

« **Whoa. Not so fast, Pocahontas.** » Raven stop her and told us that the electric fence was still functional, so we backed off.

« **I thought you said it was handled.** » You asked Raven.

« **It is.** »She took the walkie-talkie out of her pocket. « **Shut her down, Wick.** ». She waited 2 seconds and then retested the fence, which was now turned off. « **Handled.** »

We left the camp all 3 of us in the forest direction...

At nightfall. We decided that it was more cautious to stop, to rest a little. You were still in bad state.

I took the first watch. I stayed there around the campfire... You fell asleep quickly. You seemed to feel safe and I felt strangely peaceful in the presence of you two. I didn't actually need anything else.

I looked at Octavia...my little sister had grown up, she didn't need me so much anymore. She had become a strong and courageous young woman, with a very strong character, you could say that... I had always protected her. She was the only person in the world that mattered to me. I would have given my life for her. She knew me better than anyone else... I glanced at you, and I realized that Octavia was no longer the only one after all. I watched you sleep and I couldn't take my eyes off you, asking myself a million questions. You had become important to me, there was no doubt about it, much more than I could have imagined. I felt the unconditional need to protect you, just as I had always done with Octavia. Our relationship had evolved at a phenomenal speed. Seeing your beautiful face with all those wounds, I couldn't help but think that I wish I had them instead of you. I couldn't bear to see you get hurt anymore. Your life had become essential to me... I think that it was at that very moment that I accepted and became aware of the truth that I had to face and that Octavia had apparently already noticed: I was totally and irremediably in love with you. I was in love for the first time in fact. I loved as I had never loved before. I didn't know this feeling, that's probably why I fought so hard against it and it scared me. But now I was sure and certain of it.

I loved Octavia of course, but she was my little sister, I had grown up with her, she was my blood, my responsibility. You, nothing could force me to love you. And yet it was the case. We hadn't known each other for so long and yet I think you knew me better than anyone, better than I knew myself. I had the impression that I had found you again, that I had known you forever. Today, I can say that you are my soulmate... no doubt about it... But at the time, I was just trying to understand this feeling that I had never felt before. Deep down I was sure that under different circumstances we could have had a wonderful story.

Honestly, it totally destabilized me. Already because we had responsibilities, we shouldn't let ourselves be dispersed... Then there was Finn, there had been something between you, he was crazy about you too and you were apparently not insensitive to him even if he had probably broken your heart with Raven. Besides, you were too good for me, what would you do by my side? You were the most beautiful and intense girl I had ever met and never met. No one could compare to you. You and my sister are exceptional women, and I think I'm being objective when I say that. I don't believe that anyone could ever be good enough to deserve you, and I certainly don't believe that I am.

You certainly liked me, you obviously cared about me to believe the way you had thrown yourself into my arms a few hours earlier and everything that had happened before... But it was certainly not love... respect surely, friendship probably... but not love. And I didn't want to ruin the precious relationship we had been having such a hard time building (but not so much in the end, it was certainly not going well, but it had improved at a remarkable rate). I needed you, it was now obvious. So I'll just be your friend, the one you could count on, the one who would never disappoint you, until you were ready, until we both were...

You deserved it, you still deserve it. You deserve arms in which to take refuge, in which to relax, in which to breathe. You deserve to live at least sometimes, far from drama, far from judgment, far from guilt. You deserve to be able to simply let yourself go, to let yourself be carried, to be you, to reveal yourself completely to someone who accepts you completely.

You woke up and looked at me, no doubt you had finally felt my gaze on you...you gave me a little smile, I smiled in turn and looked away, embarrassed...

« **Last time I saw you, you were closing the dropship door.** » You seemed to feel guilty, it wasn't my intention at all... « **It had to be done.** » I added to reassure you. This time it is you who looked away...you got up to sit down.

« **Did you get any sleep?** »

« **It’s ok. I'll sleep when we find Finn.** » Once again I felt your questioning and intense gaze on me, but I didn't have the guts to support it. So I continued... « **Once again I felt your questioning and intense gaze on me, but I didn't have the guts to support it. So I continued...** » You seemed baffled.

« **That doesn't sound like Finn.** »

« **No, it doesn't. I saw what he was capable of, and still I let him go with Murphy and 2 automatic rifles. »** I should never have let them go. It was my fault. I should have made them go back with me.

« **I’m sure that had to be done, too.** »I raised my head to you and our eyes lost their gaze for a moment in each other. No need to add more words to understand each other. Our souls communicated with each other perfectly and with disconcerting ease.

Nevertheless, I added... « **When we got back to the dropship and no one was there, we assumed it was the Grounders.** »

« **Of course, you did. You couldn't have known it was the mountain men. No one could have.** »

" **How long until chocolate cake turns into being hung upside down and drained for their blood?** »

« **I don't know, but we don't have much time.** »

« **Ok. First, we find Finn, then our people in Mount Weather.** » Just one look to understand that we were on the same wavelength.

« **And Lincoln** ». Octavia had awakened. « **Think we've slept long enough.** »

We got up and hit the road again, the three of us, together.


	13. YOU WON'T BE BY YOURSELF

We walked without a stop. When Octavia suddenly slowed down at the sight of a huge statue.

I recognized this statue that was on the map.

« **This is it. Which way to the village?** »

Octavia was, like frozen to death. Her eyes filled with tears.

« **O?** »

« **The reapers came from there.** »

She really began to cry and turned to me. « **I couldn't save him, Bell.** » I took her in my arms to comfort her even though I felt helpless in the face of her grief. « **I couldn't save him.** »

We hit the road again once Octavia came to her senses... And that's when we heard the gunshots. It was too late...

We started to run.

We arrived too late, unable to help but notice the massacre that Finn had just made. We looked at him, completely shocked. Octavia ran towards a teenager on the ground. She seemed to know the grounder who was crying beside him. Finn had just killed her son. We were moving forward...confused, unable to believe what was in front of us.

Finn walks towards you, but you move backward, you seemed afraid of him.

« **I found you** » He said, visibly proud of himself.

You just shook your head and stared at him as if he were a stranger. He'd gone too far.

Two days later, we were back at the camp at lunchtime to gather information and come up with a good plan to go and get our friends back. We were almost always together since we had been together. You seemed to be trying to avoid Finn and hardly spoke to him. I felt a little bit bad for him, but he had it coming, and it gave me the opportunity to spend more time with you, to solidify our friendship.

« **Ok tell me again.** » I was asking you.

« **It's a Labyrinth, we got to the dam through this tunnel. It's all connected to the mine system, that's our way in.** »

« **Are you sure we can get past the Reapers and the Mountain Men ? I swear to god if your mom doesn't sanction the mission soon I'm going by myself.** »

« **You won't be by yourself.** » Of course you were going to come. I never doubted it. I gave you a grateful look. Once again, our eyes communicated without the need for words. Those glances that were enough to make you understand that we would be there for each other. It was a communication of gazes between the two of us. In the space of a moment, I had almost forgotten that we were not alone.

Nevertheless, yours eventually blurred in the distance as I turned around to see Finn coming out of the interrogation room.

« **Guess the inquisitions over.** » I noticed. « **I noticed.** »

« **I haven't talked to him since we got back. I don't know what to say, he just kept shooting.** »

You seemed disappointed, almost scared. I understood you of course, but a part of me could understand him too.

« **We're at war, Clarke, we've all done things.** »

Finn came to us.

« **Hey** »

« **Hey** »

You didn't add anything, he stared at you... The atmosphere suddenly became very embarrassing. I told myself that I had to let you explain and I wasn't at all comfortable.

« **Next rounds on me.** » I got up and left, I could feel your look on me, you would have surely preferred me to stay, but you had to face it alone. I didn't want to come between you. I would not have been objective.

You then managed to convince your mother to let us go on a mission so that Raven could try to pick up the radio signal that Mount Weather was jamming. Your mother insisted on accompanying us with guards, but we still succeeded in escaping with Octavia.

The guards followed us, but the toxic fog allowed us to find the entrance to the mines with a completely transformed Lincoln inside. Octavia was terrified. I promised her that we would bring him back. And so we did, not without some difficulty. We took him back to the ship and tied him up. And I came looking for you... You were the only one who could help him. I couldn't leave my sister in such distress, to see the man she loved so much destroyed, turned into an animal, unrecognizable.

I reached the camp just as your mother and Jaha were explaining the choice, which was not really a choice to think about, to leave in order to avoid the reprisals of grounders. I heard you opposing them by talking about our friends at Mount Weather. For once, your mother seemed to agree with you. It was out of the question for us to leave, I totally agreed of course. You were ready to follow them inside, probably trying to support your arguments, when I grabbed your arm.

« **Hey. Where have you been?** » You asked me, apparently worried that I hadn't come home.

« **In the dropship. You need to come back with me right now.** »

You quickly understood that something serious was going on...

« **Why? What's happened?** »

« **I'll explain on the way. Bring your med kit; meet me at Raven's gate.** » When you arrived at the shuttle, you backed away when you found Lincoln in chains, completely furious. My sister was exhausted and desperate.

I reassured you: « **It's okay, it's okay. He's been restrained.** »

« **I can't believe we're back here again.** » You were referring to the time he was captured and tied up in almost the same place.

« **Can you help him?** » Octavia seemed to have lost all hope. You were her last.

« **I don't know.** » You got a little closer « **I knew Mount Weather controlled the Reapers...I had no idea they were creating them. »**

Lincoln looked more like a mad animal than a human now ... In such a short time.

« **If they can do that to Lincoln, what're they doing to our friends?** » I added as if to transcribe what you were thinking...

Lincoln suddenly changed his behavior.

« **He's convulsing.** »You noticed.

Octavia got up: « **S-So what does it mean?** »

« **What happened to his leg?** »

Octavia looked at his leg, her eyes empty. « **They shot him.** »

You looked at my sister with sympathy. She had made the right choice, despite her feelings.

« **He's lost a lot of blood.** » I continued.

You approached again, very slowly shivering with each of his movements.

« **Can you shine the light on his neck?** ... **Needle marks.** »

« **You think he's being drugged?** »

« **M-Maybe.** »

It suddenly broke off and grabbed you by the head. Octavia threw herself at him, but he hit her against the wall with a single stroke of his arm. I tried to hit his arm to get him to let go, but he was much stronger and more enraged than I was. He let you go anyway and managed to free himself from his chains. Only his leg was still hanging on. Fortunately, because he tried to catch us. I grabbed the stun baton and threw myself at him, but he countered my attack and beat me. You tried to come to my aid, but you took a blow as well. Eventually, it was Octavia who succeeded in knocking him out with an iron bar...we needed several minutes to come to our senses. We chased him back to the ground.

« **We have to stop the bleeding and get the bullet out. Hold his leg down.** »

He woke up grumbling. Octavia gave him water. He tried to bite her. She was surprised and spilled the gourd « **Get so more. »**... She was really suffering and it broke my heart to see her like that without being able to help her. She was on the verge of cracking.« **Once the drug is out of his system, he'll be okay.** »

« **You can't protect me from this one, big brother.** »... She held my gaze, she had understood, and she was right... I could do nothing but wait and be there. She went out to fill the gourd.

You took care of Lincoln's leg while I stood beside you looking at you... I admired you most of all, actually. You always managed to stay calm and do the right thing, no matter what the situation was. You were always brave and ready to save others. « **Your mom would be proud of you.** » I was thinking out loud to make you realize how great you really are.

« **My mom would know how to save him.** »

Octavia went back up, accompanied by Nyko, whom we didn't know yet, but whom we had seen in the native village that Finn had devastated. I had the reflex to grab my weapon when I saw him.

« **Bellamy, don't! He's Lincoln's friend and their healer.** »

Lincoln started shaking again.

« **He's seizing again.** »

I let Nyko step forward and lowered my gun. He took one of his vials.

« **What is that?** » You asked him.

« **Yu gonplei ste odon.** »

You began to stir, to think, and you stopped the drop from falling from the vial before it landed on Lincoln's mouth. « **Wait!** »

Niko pulled out a dagger and quickly held it out to you. I pointed my gun at him « **Back off! Right now!** » Octavia didn't seem to understand, and I admit that I didn't understand everything either, but in any case, he wouldn't touch you!

« **Yu gonplei ste odon** », you said again. « **It's what they say before death.** **He's not trying to heal him, he's trying to kill him.** ». Nyko stared at you, astonished and angry. You didn't lower your gaze.

Octavia intervened: « **Nyko, Is it true**? »

« **Yes. Death is the only way.** »

« **Hold on. There could be a way to bring him back.** » You said.

« **None that I've ever seen.** »

Finn came in right at that moment.

« **We have to go. The camp's leaving.** »

Niko got up suddenly when he saw him, black with fury.

« **You!** »

« **We have to stop…** » Finn didn't have time to finish his sentence that Nyko had already pounced on him.

« **Ripa!** »

I pointed my gun again at Niko

« **Get off!** »

« **You slaughtered my people. Elders. Children. Innocents.** » Nyko was now strangling him. Finn wasn't struggling.

« **Stop!** » I yelled.

« **Oh my god, you're killing him**.» Octavia screamed in turn.

« **Blood must have blood!** »

« **Get out of the way!»** I asked Octavia

« **Bellamy, you're not killing him!**.» She replied, staying between him and me.

It all happened so fast that I didn't realize you had grabbed the stun gun. You hit Nyko with a blow that was enough to make him stop. Everyone took a breath or almost everyone did...Octavia rushed towards Lincoln's body.

« **He's not breathing...** »

You join her and check his pulse.

« **His heart's stopped. Move!** »

You started giving him CPR. You didn't let go, you didn't give up. Octavia stared at you with hope. I watched you determinedly surrender everything with as much fear as admiration once again. When anyone would have given up, you were giving the best of yourself. And I will do the same for you more than a century later, reproducing the same gestures with even more willpower.

His breathing resumed. You and Octavia exchanged a smile. She was undoubtedly more grateful to you than ever.

Nyko spoke, still groggy: « **He was dead...how did you do that?** »

« **You've tried bringing Reapers back before?** » He nodded his head « **And they died like this?** » He nodded again.

I asked you « **What is it?** ».

You simply answered... « **I know how to stop the attack.** »

You had an idea in the back of your mind and it had to be excellent. We had a new plan. And to carry it out, you were going to have to jump into the lion's den... I didn't like it, but if there was one person who could do it, it was you. And I trusted you.


	14. I'M WITH YOU

Your mother came a few hours later and did her best to save Lincoln. Like mother like daughter. I couldn't help but think about what you were doing at the time, hoping that you could get through it, that nothing bad would happen to you. I couldn't abandon my sister, but I felt guilty that I hadn't come with you. I guess I couldn't protect both of you at the same time.

You brought the commander and her guards at the wrong time... Lincoln had just passed away and Octavia was crying beside him.

You didn't say a word, it was a waste of time. We glanced at each other, I tried to discreetly grab my gun, but your mother was more responsive. Fortunately. She grabbed the stun gun. We were all with our weapons waiting to see who would move first and launch the offensive...

You tried one last time to reason with them, but it was in vain. « **You lied, and you're out of time.** » The commander replied to you.

Your mother then quickly placed her truncheon on Lincoln and electrocuted him for the first time.

« **Hit him again.** » You suggested to her.

The second shot was the right one, Lincoln breathed again.

He seemed calmer.

Octavia approached softly. « **Lincoln...** »

« **Octavia.** » He identified her. She began to cry with relief. You and your mother had just saved Lincoln's life. You and your mother had just saved all of us, or almost all of us, at least for now.

You went back to the camp with the commander to negotiate and returned a few hours later in the middle of the night. I watched the outskirts of the camp for the slightest sign of you, always worried that a turn of events would put you in a bad position. The commander had insisted that you go alone. Why did she insist that you go alone? I didn't know, but I really didn't like it.

We saw torches coming forward in the fog. Several guards and I were pointing our weapons at them. Then I saw your silhouette, which I will recognize among a thousand... « **Hold your fire! She's back! Open the gate.** »

Finn ran towards you, you turned around and asked the guards to close the door. You dragged Finn further away, clearly anxious. Your mother hugged you and I joined you to find out more.

« **What did she say? Is there a chance for a truce?** »

« **Yes** »...You didn't seem happy about it. I knew there was one condition you didn't like and that I wouldn't like either.

Finn noticed it too. « **What’s wrong?** »

You turned to him « **They want you. If we want a truce, we have to give them Finn.** »

Raven began to get angry. « **What the hell are you talking about?** »

« **That’s their offer.** »

« **That’s not an offer.** »

Finn added « **It’s punishment. For what happened at the village. Blood for blood.** »

« **That’s insane.** ».

That's all I could say. « **If we refuse?** »Your mother started and you answered « **They attack.** »

People around were starting to go crazy, wanting to hand him over. To protect themselves, they were ready to give Finn up. Raven defended him. So did I. You reasoned with Raven. You promised her that nothing would happen to him... You should never have made that promise Princess, and yet you meant it. You couldn't have known. No one could. By trying to save your life that day in that village, he had changed it forever, because you would carry the burden of his life for the rest of your life.

We got together to come up with a plan. In any case, abandoning him was out of the question.

Once the tension subsided, we met up with Finn, who was with Murphy.

« **Hey. We're reinforcing all defenses. Doubles on the perimeter. No one's getting past that wire.** »

« **I’ll see where they're thin.** »

« **No. You should head inside. B corridor will be easier to defend if it comes to that.** »

« **I’m not gonna hide.** »

You spoke up: « **Right now, we have to think about keeping you safe. I’m gonna talk to Lincoln.** » He looked at you and then followed me.

Soon after, the war drums began to sound. Panic began to really overwhelm our camp.

Your mother walked to the gate to talk to the scouts, I followed her to protect her back, and you followed as well. She told them without batting an eyelid that we were ready to fight if that was their choice. She was terrified, but she didn't seem to be... Again, it was the same attitude as you. The scouts left and I ordered the guards to watch the woods if there was movement. When you gently signaled me to look towards a particular place.

« **Bellamy.** »

It was Kane, alone, healthy. Your mother went to talk to him and we approached him a few seconds later.

I told her: « **Can’t be out in the open. We need to get somewhere safe.** » He smiled.

« **It’s safe for the moment. Come on. We need to talk. I managed to buy us a bit of time.** » He led Abby into the Ark. We watched them, uninvited to the meeting. I waited with Raven at the door. We called her as soon as she came out.

« **What’s happening?** »

« **You were in there a long time.** »

« **There was a lot to talk about.** » She replied simply.

« **Well, what's going on?** » Raven was beginning to lose patience.

I got in your mother's path, blocking her way. « **Hey. We are not turning him over to the Grounders.** »

« **Step aside now.** » Damn, I thought I saw you. She was standing up to me just like you. I think with someone else I wouldn't have let myself be taken so easily, but she had the same determination as you in her eyes. A determination that I felt powerless against. And then it was your mother...

So I stepped back and she added: « **We’re all trying to find a way out of this.** »

She left and I told Raven what seemed inevitable: « **They’re gonna give him up.** »

I left to look for you... « **Finn. You need to get out of here.** »

« **Where would he go?** »

« **The dropship.** »

« No» You spoke up. « **You know that this is the safest place for him right now.** »

« **It isn't if they're turning on him. We can protect him at the dropship until we figure this thing out. Grab your gear and meet at Raven's gate in 5. She’s already working on cutting the power to the fence.** »

« **Ok, but nobody's coming with me.** »

« **That isn't up for discussion.** »

« **We are surrounded by Grounders**. »

« **If we split up, we take the low ground, we'll make it through. We’ll meet at the dropship.** »

This is the time chosen by a man to attack Finn, I succeed in intercepting him. You didn't need any more demonstration to obey what I just said. We were waiting at the dropship with Raven... You were taking too long, it wasn't normal. We were worried sick about you, but I was trying to keep my cool. Murphy joined us, much to my surprise. Raven had asked him to come as a backup.

A few eternal tens of minutes later. Finn entered the shuttle, carrying you, unconscious.

I rushed towards you, totally panicked at the sight of your inert body hanging in these arms.

« **What happened?** »

« **A Grounder hit her on the head.** »

« **Put her here.** » Murphy gave him his place

« **Need a bandage. A rag. Anything.** ». I had never done this before, but I had seen you do it several times and I had to do something to help you. The adrenaline was stronger than the skills. I was supporting your head. Murphy brought me a piece of cloth. That would do the trick.

« **Hold her head.** » We put the cloth under your head.

Finn looked like he was freaking out back there, but I didn't have time to deal with him. All I cared about now was you, and Raven would handle the situation. And then, at the time, I was very angry with him for bringing you back to this state. « **Clarke, can you hear me? Clarke.** » I gently caressed your cheek to try to wake you up and because I wanted to give you all the sweetness in the world. I was scared and it was not the right time but it was easier to show my affection when you were not conscious... « **Clarke, Clarke ..**.»

You're finally moving. « **You're gonna be fine. You just need to rest.** » I said to you tenderly while resting my hand on your cheek.

Finn went out, Raven followed him... I let them do it, too busy taking care of you, I didn't want to let you go until you got better.

With Finn calmed down, I finally let Raven take over by your side. And I went out with Murphy standing guard.

Raven came out shortly after to tell us you were awake, much to my relief. It was short-lived.

« **We got company! Get out here. Get down. Grounders.** »

« **We’re surrounded.** » I was screaming

We retreated in the shuttle, grounders always surrounded us, but did not seem to attack...not yet.

**« They’re not moving any closer.** » Murphy explained « **Staying out of range. Probably waiting until it's dark.** » I answered him.

« **If we hit them now, at least we'd take them by surprise.** »

« **We don't even know how many of them are out there.** »

« **I’m not hearing any better ideas, Clarke.** »

Raven added: « **We’ll give them something.** »

I didn't understand: « **All they want is Finn.** »

« **Finn wasn't the only one at the village.** »

« **What are you talking about?** » You objected

« **Raven, hold on.** »

« **Whoa, whoa, whoa. Raven, I came here to protect him. You were the one who wanted me to come. You... That’s why you asked me to come along.** » Raven remained of marble, Murphy had just understood.

She added: « **Enough Grounders saw him at the village. They’d believe he was the shooter.** »

« **Sick bitch.** » Murphy sent her

« **Raven, you don't mean this. »**

Murphy had made mistakes, but to do that to him...We can't make the same mistake twice.

I continued « **You know what they do to people.** »

« **They want a murderer, we'll give them one.** » She pulled her gun on Murphy: « **Drop your gun.** »

He walked towards her, calmly and quietly « **Go to hell, Raven.** »

« **Put it down, Raven.** » You asked her. « **Like it or not, he's one of us.** »

« **I said drop it.** »

« **Stop** » Finn puts himself in between. « **We're not doing this. They’ve got us surrounded. The only thing we can do is stay. And defend this place.** »

« **I’m with you.** » I agreed. I didn't really have any other choice really. You all took turns nodding your heads. Murphy too, with tears in his eyes... He probably didn't expect us all to stand up for him, especially after what he'd done to us. « **Go upstairs. Watch the rear. I'll take the lower level. You three, take the front gate. That’s the plan. All right?** » Finn explained.

So we set up...and just a few minutes later, Finn surrendered under our shocked eyes.

We had no choice but to return to camp.

We were all lined up in front of the fence. Watching the grounders prepare for Finn's execution.

« **What is that?** » Raven asked in terror

« **It’s for Finn. They want us to watch.** » you replied, the voice troubled by emotion.

« **We’re gonna get him.** »I said without thinking. « **We’ll get in close and we'll hit them hard.** »

« **Son… »** Kane replied. « **There's thousands of them. Even if we could kill hundreds, they'd still wipe out this camp and your friend would still die.** »

« **We have to try.** » I wasn't giving up.

« **Abby. Abby, we have to do something.** »Raven begged.

« **No, Raven.** » Raven burst into tears.

You stepped forward discreetly, enough for our eyes to meet and understand each other without saying a word. We moved far enough away so that no one could hear us. Raven followed us.

« **Take this.** »You asked me when you gave me your equipment.

« **What are you doing?** » I asked you, seeing that you were still getting ready to put yourself in a situation that would alarm me.

« **I’m gonna talk to the commander.** »

« **What else do you have to say?** »

« **I don't know. I don't know.** »

« **Clarke...** » I didn't know what to say to stop you from going. I wanted to save Finn, but not by risking your life. I didn't have time to find my words when Raven intervened: « **Give me your hand.** » She slipped a blade into your sleeve « **If she won't let him go, kill her.** » You nod« **Things’ll go crazy, and we'll grab you and Finn.** » I didn't agree at all with this plan which would not work. You would have died before we could do anything about it... « **Clarke. You have to help him. I owe him my life.** » You went out and barely looked at me, which I couldn't support anyway. If my eyes had crossed yours for even a second I couldn't have let you go. You wouldn't have let me hold you back in any case... The truth is that I was terrified. The other truth I didn't want to accept was that I was also a little jealous: were you risking your life as you would have done for any of us or because it was FInn and you had feelings for him? Anyway, I admired you and I was afraid you would do something stupid like getting caught instead of him. I knew you could do it.

We returned to stand in front of the fence... You entered the camp without too many worries. Indra put you to the test in front of the commander's tent by pointing at you with the tip of her spear. I couldn't see well, but I was sure that the blade was starting to pierce your skin. But you didn't move. Lexa came out and let you pass. I took turns looking at you and Raven. They brought Finn. You were still talking to Lexa. I don't know exactly what you told her, but I have no doubt that you tried everything. You even had to offer her your own life. That's what scared me the most from the beginning of this stupid plan. I was getting to know you pretty well.

Now, in retrospect, I wonder if you really enjoy life. With all the times that you've been willing to sacrifice yourself... Weren't you hoping to get it over with? I would have liked to be the one to give you a reason to love life, a reason to want to stay safe and sound... What you are to me.

You suddenly walked towards him. We didn't know if it was to free him or ..... You kissed him...it made me miss several breaths. I know it wasn't the right time. I know this day is a nightmare for you. I know I shouldn't have reminded you. But it's such an important memory. There have been more painful than happy moments between us, that's just the way it is.... And that's probably why our bonds are so strong...

So you kissed him. You hugged him and when you pulled away, he was dead. You had just finished him off... You turned around, collapsed, before our incomprehensible and surprised eyes... Your mother cried, Raven screamed. She fell apart and I held her back as best I could, trying as best I could to console her while the pain was overwhelming me in other ways as well. The pain of having lost another one of us, the pain of knowing that you have endured, your sacrifice, one more...the pain of not being able to support you, who probably needed it as much as Raven did, maybe even more.

I want you to know that not for a single second did I blame you. You did what had to be done. He would have been tortured and no other plan would have worked. You saved our entire people that day. And a part of you died along with him...You were able to make a decision that not many people would have been able to bear. You deserve all the world's respect for that. You made mistakes afterward. This was not one of them. I never doubted that not even for a second.


	15. I CAN’T LOOSE TO YOU

Only Kane and your mother were able to come and see you. It drove me crazy. I couldn't imagine how bad you must feel. I wish I could have come too, being by your side. To tell you that I was supporting you, to hold you in my arms. But I had to stay at the camp, waiting patiently, hoping that your action had succeeded in getting a truce. Raven was allowed to go to Finn's body.

We left at first light. I hadn't seen you before we left. They were just coming to get me to be part of the expedition. You wanted me at your side, along with Octavia and Lincoln, that's all I knew. I preferred to leave you alone until then. I had seen you come back to camp in a deplorable state and to be honest, I didn't know how to act... I didn't have the courage to face your pain. I wanted so much to comfort you when I couldn't, but now I felt incapable.

I walked a few steps behind you, leaving enough distance between us, but being close enough to protect you first in case of danger and if you needed anything. I saw you slowing down while looking at the trees, completely scared, so I walked over the few steps that separated us... « **Hey, you doing alright?** » What a stupid question, of course, it wasn't right!

« **Yeah.** »

I gather my courage, you had to know that I was on your side, that I supported you: « **You did the right thing.** »

« **Now I get to live with it.** »I don't know if I would have had the guts to hug you if it wasn't for all those people around us, but it was my only desire at the time.... « **You still think this truce is a bad idea, don't you?** »

« **I think we're wasting out time on politics while our friends are in trouble.** »

« **We need their army to get to Mount Weather, Bellamy and you know it.** »

« **Their army has been getting their ass kicked by Mount Weather forever. What we need is in inside man. Someone to be our eyes and ears.** »

« **Forget it, it's too dangerous.** »

« **Clarke if you can make it out, I can make it in.** r » You were staring straight ahead as you told me firmly: « **I said no.** »

« **Since I don't take orders from you, I'm gonna need a better reason.** » JI didn't expect you what you were going to answer me at all, but those few words meant so much to me, I have long tried to analyze them and I often clung to them...

« **I can lose you too. Okay?** » I didn't even dare to answer you, too surprised and disturbed by this avowal ... I had just heard this confession that overwhelmed and I didn't know how I was supposed to react. « Too », So you were really comparing me to Finn? What did you mean by that? So you cared that much about me? Was I important to you? Did you care about me as much as I care about you now? Were your feelings finally going in the same direction???? So many questions left unanswered...that's the way it's always been between us. We read each other like a book and yet there are so many things left unsaid, it has always been the case...it's so silly. If only I could go back...

At nightfall, we took a break to rest, the camp being still far away. The tents were set up, but you put your equipment in the middle of our 2 peoples. I approached you: « **Clarke, it's safer on our side.** »

« **We need to trust them, Bellamy. There are no more sides.** » you answered me when you lay down.

Okay… So be it... I put my camp between their side and you... I wanted to be between you... Just in case. Whether you like it or not I will protect you.

In the early morning and after several more hours of walking, we finally arrived at the village. Once we were completely disarmed (and fortunately, given the number of weapons Raven had on her, she was certainly planning something stupid), we were able to enter the village, you and I in the lead.

A man got in our way, not understanding why the commander was bringing us here, we who had killed his family... The guard, Gustus, began to beat him to death, but you begged the commander to stop, which she did. She also advised the whole village that they should accept us by their side or pay for it with their lives... « **Warm welcome.** » I grumbled...

They set up the funeral ceremony, Finn's body in the middle of the woodshed... When it was time to light the fire, Lexa gave you the torch. You were paralyzed for a few moments, looking at the fire, tears in your eyes, all eyes on you. You turned your face slightly, as if you had seen a ghost, as if you had probably seen a ghost...then you delicately lit the fire... « **Yu gonplei ste odon** ».

Grounders seemed surprised by this sentence, you respected their tradition, it was smart of you and it showed them that you respected their tradition. I stayed right next to Raven during the ceremony, in case she felt bad or went crazy. You stayed in front of the fire with the commander until the fire was completely out. I don't know what she told you, but that's when your behavior started to change. It was from there that you became much colder, especially towards me, but also stronger in some ways.

We then went to the meal organized by the commander to seal our alliance. Kane offered her a bottle of our best alcohol, our only alcohol in fact.

« **Clarke, let us drink together.** » Something was bothering me about the way she stared at you as if you were the last piece of cake left on the table. Even I didn't dare to do it, well, I thought I was more discreet than she was anyway. It seemed as if she was undressing you with her eyes.

« **It would be my pleasure.** »

Gustus asked Lexa to taste before her to test the glass. You were about to put your glasses in your mouth when Gustus collapsed.

I had the instinct to put a shot in your glass so that it wouldn't come into contact with you.

« **Everybody out! Search them!** » Indra accused us...

I was standing in front of you to protect you from the impending attack, but you came forward... Thinking back, everyone had the reflex to move back to defend themselves, except you and I, who were only thinking of your safety and totally concealed the risk I was encouraging.

« **NO! No, we didn't do this.** »

They searched us and found a vial in Raven's pocket.

« **I'm telling you it's not mine! He put it there when he searched me!** »

Lexa obviously didn't believe her.

« **No Sky Person leaves this room!** » she ordered.

Lincoln tried to speak for us, but he just managed to get himself locked up with us. I was trying to find a way out when you go to find Raven. I don't know what you told her, but it got her into a rage. She hit you hard in the face and added: « **You're the only murderer here!** »

We all approached when you stared at the wall and you seemed to say to someone we couldn't see. « **Leave me alone. You gave me no choice, why did you turn yourself in?** » Then you went to sit in a corner of the room crying, confused... You could see Finn, I had no doubt about that. He was haunting you.

Your mother came to join you. Once again, I was too far away to hear the conversion, but you didn't like it. You raised your voice « **You're talking about dad? What I did to Finn was nothing like what you did to him! I was protecting everyone. I didn't have a choice you did!** »

« **I trusted Thelonious to talk to your father and convince him not to go public!** »

« **You knew dad would never stop! You knew what would happen to him!** »

« **I was protecting everyone too! I was protecting you!** » You get up... « **Clarke, please!** » Everyone was watching you.

« **We are the same.** » You simply answered her... as if it was a shame... They came for Raven, I tried to get in the way, but there was nothing I could do. The commander "only" wanted Raven dead. We were free, but there was no more alliance.

They tied Raven to a pole, just like Finn. You had stayed in the room we were locked in...probably exhausted and certainly not ready for another ordeal. I wanted to go help Raven, but Kane stopped me. Your mother called you, we had to go... Raven was in agony.

Suddenly you came running out, heading straight for Lexa. I was chasing you: « **Clarke, stop what are you doing you'll get yourself killed.** »I wanted to help Raven, but not at your cost.

« **I need that bottle, now! Stop!** »

« **Let her pass!** »

Your mother and I followed you.

« **One of your people tried to kill you, Lexa. Not one of mine.** »

« **You should have run.** » Indra threatened.

« **I can prove it.** » Nyko handed you the bottle, which you grabbed and drank a full sip. We all looked at you, shocked, worried... Your mother and I probably more than the others. What if you were wrong? But apparently, there was no poison in the bottle... « **Explain.** » Lexa asked.

« **The poison wasn't in the bottle, it was in the cup.** »

I thought and spoke after Gustus spoke to Lexa in their language.

« **It was you** » You turned to me with a questioning look on your face: « **He tested the cup, he searched Raven.** »

« **Gustus would never harm me.** »

« **You weren't the target, the alliance was.** »

You added: « **We didn't do this and you know it.** »

« **This alliance would cost you your life Heda. I could not let that happen.** »

« **This treachery will cost you yours.** »

We went to rescue Raven while you stood watching Lexa...with the same admiration I had when I watched you finish Atom. It wasn't a good sign...I knew what it meant...I hoped I was wrong. I told myself that it was my ego talking and reacting. Lexa put Gustus to death after he was twisted several times. Raven then seemed to realize that you saved Finn from that. He had a good death in the end compared to what he must have endured. You seemed to sympathize with Lexa's pain, and she didn't flinch when she was put to death, but she seemed to be really touched by her act. She looked into your eyes... I really didn't like it. My body betrayed me in spite of myself. The beating heart, the heat rising to my face, the sweaty hands... The feeling that a knife has been stabbed in my heart, that someone has taken my place.


	16. HE'D DO ANYTHING FOR HER, TO PROTECT HER

In the evening around the campfire, I looked at my sister in Lincoln's arms. He asked me: « **How did you know it was Gustus?** »

« **He'd do anything for her to protect her. So it made sense.** » That's what I would have done for Octavia... And yet, it was you I was thinking of when I pronounced this sentence. Of course I would have done anything for O, but the evidence was there and I could no longer fight: your life had become as important to me as hers. I wanted to hide your heart in mine so that no one could touch it. « **And look at the thanks he got?** » Octavia replied, looking at me...as if to signify once again that she no longer needed my help.

Raven called out to us, she received a radio message...

« **47 of us are trapped inside Mount Weather. We don't know how much time we have left, please hurry.** »

« **Talk to him, say something.** » You commanded.

« **It's repeating.** » she answered you.

« **We need to do this now. We've got the alliance now is the time to use it.** »

You came to your senses and declared in a cold tone: « **We need an inside man. »** You looked at me without me being able to decipher anything and explained « **You were right without someone on the inside to lower their defenses, turn off the acid fog an army's useless. You should go.** » You told me that without any emotion showing through. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't you. That commander had been a bad influence on you in just a few hours... Of course it was my plan in the first place and it was the best solution we could have at the moment, but I didn't understand this sudden change coming from you. It destabilized me and made me very sad. You would have slapped me and I would have felt less pain.

« **I thought you hated that plan. That I would get myself killed.** »

« **I was being weak, it's worth the risk.** » You were always looking me straight in the eye, as if what you had just asked me didn't matter, as if you wanted to convince yourself of something. Octavia seemed as shocked by your request as I was. « **My map of Mount Weather. Find a way to get on that radio and talk to us. Good luck.** » And you left right away, without a glance at me. I was lost for a moment... forgetting that I was surrounded. Still in shock, trying to understand why all of a sudden my life was no longer so important to yours. But I didn't have a choice, I had to make it. I let myself be devoured by pain so that it could finally turn away from you. I would fight evil, I would risk my life, so that you would understand that I am ready for anything...

I was about to throw myself into the lion's den. Lincoln would help me.

On the way to the mine, we were scaffolding the plan with Lincoln. Being alone with him allowed me to get to know him better. I was able to tell him what had been in my mind from the beginning: that he was good for my sister, that he made her strong. He simply told me that she was already strong... Of course she was, surviving 16 years under the floor without seeing anyone but my mother or me forced her to do so. In the end, it made both of us stronger...

When he left me in the hands of the mountain doctors...I thought I was living my last hours. I will fight to the end... But alone, I had almost no chance. It was really badly started, a suicidal plan from the beginning, you were right... You knew that and yet you still let me go.

But even then, when I was in danger of living out my last days and undergoing a treatment that was more akin to torture...it was you and Octavia I was thinking of. I wasn't even angry with you to tell the truth, how could I be? I will kill everyone on this mountain to keep you safe, to make our plan work so that we can save our friends and be at peace, no matter what I have to endure ... That's what I told Echo when I met her, in the cage next to mine. Just before I was taken away after receiving a dose of the product that was supposed to kill me... that would be how I would die, keeping your face and my sister's face in mind...

I woke up from a rush of adrenaline, thanks to Maya, who untied me. I would never have succeeded without her. Without her I would have died. I had to kill the guard who came for me, in front of Maya. They were her people and yet she helped me anyway, I could read the pain in her eyes. Echo helped me as well. I took the guard's clothes and promised Echo that I would come back for them. Maya and I went out of the room to look for our friends who were disappearing one by one. I had finally managed to infiltrate. Mission successful for now, but it was far from won.

Maya saved my life several times during my infiltration or I almost made myself several times. She guided me in the labyrinth of the mountain... I had the glimpse of their life. I saw the children...all those innocent people...we had to try to do the right thing, not to ruin their lives. The mission would be more difficult, but we had to preserve them, it was not his fault. My heart broke when the son of the guard I had just killed came to talk to me nicely... This little man was so adorable, so nice... and I had just taken his father away from him....

When we arrived in front of our friends' room, an alarm sounded, we couldn't go in, they were locked up. Maya thus took me to the radio...

« **Camp Jaha, this is Mount Weather. Can anyone read me?** »

« **Bellamy?** » It was your voice... You can't imagine how good it felt to hear from you... And the way you pronounced my name made me think that I still mattered to you a little bit in the end and that was enough to give me the courage to continue.

« **Clarke.** » It took you several seconds to answer me and I felt relief. Your voice was full of emotion...

« **Are you all right?** »

« **I'm fine. That's it for the good news. We have to talk fast. Something has changed. Jasper, Monty, everyone, they just locked them in the dorm.** »

« **But they're alive, all of them?** »

« **I think so, for now. Maya says that they're already using their blood, and things are gonna get ugly in here real fast.** »

« **Maya is with you?** »

« **She helped me escape. If not for her, I'd be dead.»** I glanced at Maya with gratitude... « **And, Clarke, there are kids in here. We need a plan that doesn't kill everyone. Please tell me we have one.** »

« **I hear you, but we can't do anything until you disable the acid fog. Raven is gonna help you.** »

« **Got it. What else?** »

« **You have to figure out a way to free the Grounder prisoners. There is a whole army inside that mountain and they don't even realize it.** »

« **Trojan horse. Good plan.** »

« **What does Maya think? Is it doable?** » She shook her head, visibly overwhelmed...

« **She says it's not a problem.** » I answer to reassure you. « **Clarke, if I'm gonna pull this off, I need you to buy me some time. It won't be long before they realize I don't belong here, and if that happens…** »

You cut me off in my sentence: « **That can't happen. I'll come up with something.** »

« **Come up with it quick.** »

**« Copy that, and, Bellamy...** »

« **Yeah?** »

« **You came through. I knew you would.** » A few words, which seemed harmless, but which gave me enough strength for the rest. You believed in me. I will not disappoint you. I was going to keep that in mind and that would be my motivation. I didn't want to disappoint you, I wanted to prove to you that you were right to count on me. I wanted to prove myself worthy of your soul, of your heart.

« **All I've done so far is not get killed.** »

« **Keep doing that. You're up.** » And you gave the radio to Raven who explained to me how to disable the toxic cloud. All I was really holding on to was: My life was important to you, my life was important to you, my life was important to you...

* * *

« **Ark Station, do you read me? Anybody there?** »

« **Bellamy, you're late. Every three hours means every three hours.** » Did you scold me... Clearly worried. It made me smile inwardly, but I didn't make it seem so.

« **Are you through?** »

« **Have you found the source of the acid fog?** »

« **No. That's gonna have to wait.** »

« **What? No. Nothing is more important than that.** »

« **Our friends are. They've started taking them from the dorm one at a time every few hours.** »

Raven took the floor: « **aking them where?** »

« **I don't know. We tried to follow them, but they went to a classified level. Maya borrowed the schematics of the vent system from her boss, and I'm still trying to find a way in. Anything?** »

Maya answered me « **I think I found a path, but it's gonna be tight. Here's the walkie Raven asked for and the earbud.** » She handed me another Walkie-talkie requested by Raven as well as headsets so that I could talk to them while being mobile.

You spoke again: « **Bellamy, you have to find them.** »

« **That's the plan.** »

« **If you don't, all of this is for nothing.** »

« **Yeah** » All the pressure was on me. It was all on me. You were counting on me. I had no right to make a mistake...

So I found myself several minutes later in the ventilation ducts...barely enough room to crawl inside. « **Okay. So tell us where you're at now.** » Raven asked me.

« **I'm at an intersection. Which way?** »

You're back on the radio... « **Bellamy, we think you're close. The lab should be up ahead.** »

« **Any chance you could be more specific?** »I had 5 different paths in front of me... Suddenly I heard a strange noise, like a drill. « **Never mind. I got this.** »

The duct led to a wider place with the air vent that gave right on the lab, from where I could see the horror show in front of me ... They were piercing her bones. You must have heard the sound of the drill ...

« **Bone marrow extraction.** »

We remained silent as we listened to their conversation, which told us that a missile was going to be launched on TON DC where all the clan leaders were gathered. My sister was there. I quickly returned to a safer place so that I could talk without being listened to.

« **Please tell me you heard all that.** »

« **We heard it.** » You asked Raven if Kane had a radio, she said no as we had to keep the frequency for me.

« **If I leave now, I can make it there in time.** » It wasn't true, what a nightmare...so it was never going to stop getting worse....

« **In time to be blown up, you mean.** » Raven answered you, I was thinking exactly the same thing indeed. You didn't change your mind, though.

« **When I get back, I want to know our friends are safe and the acid fog is down. Can you handle that?** »

« **Yeah, we can handle it. Go.** » Raven finally told you.

« **Clarke, wait. Octavia was in Tondc when I left. Is…is she, um**?

« **She's here. She's safe.** » I was half relieved, you had hesitated half a second before answering and I knew from the sound of your voice that there was something wrong.

« **Okay. Good. Be safe, too.** »

« **I will.** »

I learned later that Octavia was indeed there and that because of Lexa you almost let her die... Apparently, you thought that not saying anything would keep my cover and protect me... I blamed you, of course I was mad at you... But I could still understand your reasoning. You still let a bomb explode an entire village... and your excuse was just to protect me and our plan... You knew that I would never forgive you for letting my sister die. You still took the risk, following Lexa. Did you act for her or for me? I'll always have a doubt about that. But that's all in the past now. Besides, I would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed, and my sister hadn't been there. I would have let that bomb go off too, if that would have given you a shot at getting out of it.

I succeeded in infiltrating the team in charge of the dorm. I was able to motivate Jasper to fight and give him a weapon. I then managed to get into Dante's room to try to get him to join our camp. He didn't seem to agree with the actions of his son and the doctor. He wouldn't have been locked in there otherwise. He could not, or would not, help me deliver them, but he helped me gain some time.

I went back on the walkie-talkie with Raven so that she could help me carry out Dante's plan. I asked her if you were able to get TON DC out. She reassured me that you would, but let it slip out that my sister was there. I had to stop, worried and angry.

« **How could you keep this from me?** »

« **Clarke was trying to protect you.** » I came to my senses and started climbing again... Our plan worked, I managed to open a breach to irradiate level 5. Just in time before Jasper was taken away. They all succeeded in escaping, taking advantage of the mess on level 5. Of course, this ruined my cover. Cage soon realized that his father was behind the breach. It didn't take him long to change his mind.

The chaos had spilled over into the mountain, but the guards had quickly regained control. Luckily our friends were smarter and managed to defend themselves as best they could. We went back down in the lab with Maya ... They had managed to take Fox, so I shot the 2 guards who were with her. Then Maya brought us to her home where she explained the situation to her father who sided with us quite easily. Her mother was a rebel against the transfusions of natives. That's why she was killed. So Maya honored the memory of her mother by helping us. Several people in the mountain were against these transfusions and would help us. Maya's father warned me that his people would never stop hunting us if our bone marrow would allow them to come out.

They then took Maya hostage to force our friends to surrender. They knew that she and Jasper were close and they must have realized that she was the one helping them. They took her to the dorm where the radiation was there, with only 20 minutes of oxygen in her protective suit. So I turned around, pausing the initial plan to go and help them escape through the air ducts. Maya's father had helped me put them in a safe place. I explained your plan briefly to Jasper. He asked me about Finn. I didn't have the courage to tell him he was dead. Maya was able to gather all the people who wanted to revolutionize the mountain. So we dispersed our friends who went to hide with several of these families. The deactivation of the toxic cloud almost went wrong. I almost failed and passed through it several times. But at least my goal had been achieved. The toxic cloud was deactivated. Thanks in large part to Maya's father and his allies, but also to Raven and Wick, who had been racking their brains from the Ark.

Of course, the enemy had fooled us. The toxic cloud was not deactivated, and they had cut off the radio signal. So I had to find a solution on my own. An explosion seemed to be the only option... I managed to get to safety just in time.

I then went to free the grounder army imprisoned in the cages. Echo seemed surprised at my return. I had kept my promise. I quickly explained our plan to him as Cage tried to turn his entire people against our friends and those who helped them. We were running out of time. I let Echo finish rescuing her people and asked her to wait for my people and be ready to fight. The guards quickened their pace, no longer hesitating to kill their own people if they helped our people. Jasper and Maya soon joined me as I had just saved them from another attack, saving his father in the process.

Maya felt her time had come. The vice tightening more and more on her. Few solutions were possible. Jasper was determined to save her. He would kill Cage without hesitation. He was in love with her. I could tell, I knew it. He loved her and was willing to do anything to protect her as I was to protect Octavia... and to protect you. We found Monty, completely devastated, who had managed to hide. He had seen the people who helped him get killed and hadn't moved. You could see the guilt in his eyes. He told us that the native army had been discovered and that they had taken everyone else away. We had to act quickly or our plan would not work.

What we didn't know was that at the same moment Lexa was making a deal with Cage for her own people. She had betrayed us, she had betrayed you! She abandoned us to certain death and left with all her army and the one I had liberated. Maya's father was found dead, lying in the empty room where the native army was supposed to be. Everyone had abandoned us. The few of our remaining people had also abandoned us. All except Octavia and you, of course.


	17. TOGETHER

We reached the door leading to the caves, we were still looking for the grounder army ... But when I opened the door, only you and Octavia were behind it. The relief was immediate: the two people I cared about most were safe and sound and had not given up. Octavia jumped into my arms and hugged me...then she did the same with Monty and Jasper... You were staring at me, sorry. I didn't take my eyes off you while Octavia hugged me. My eyes were instinctively captivated by yours, whose bright azure had been sorely missed, magnificent, but seemed to call for help... I could read the guilt in your eyes staring at me intensely, and the guilt was magnificent... I moved slowly towards you. I felt like hugging you, yet neither of us did anything.

« **Where's your army?** »

« **Gone just like yours. Say you have a plan.** » So you went headlong without a plan, risking your life in a suicide mission... Just like Octavia. I think I speak with complete objectivity when I say that you are the two strongest women in the entire galaxy. I'm proud to have been a part of your life, your history.

« **Not really. We need to talk to Dante. Maya says he's in quarantine.** »

« **Clarke !** » Jasper and Monty didn't have as much restraint as I did... They both threw themselves at you for a huge hug. I envied them so much for not being embarrassed to do that...I couldn't afford to be that close to you. My heart couldn't take it and we had to stay focused. And then, they had no awkwardness to have, in fact, their hug was friendly, they had no other feelings to put aside, no restraints to have. That was clearly not my case anymore.

I saw you looking at Maya and discreetly thanking her... Just before the beep of her suit alarmed us. We had to be quick. Octavia made the teams: You, me and Monty would go see Dante while she and Jasper would take care of Maya's safety.

We arrived in Dante's room, he was surprised to see you...

« **Hello, Clarke.** »

I continued straight away, we didn't have much time left: « **Sir, we need your help again.** »

« **It's okay. I took out the camera from the junction box in the hall. We can talk freely.** » Monty added

« **No one's watching, anyway. Thanks to you, they're all on level five.** »

« **You're not.** » You noticed.

« **No. I'm not.** »

« **Please. We don't have much time. We need a way to get our people out of this mountain without killing everyone.** » I was trying to be nice... He ignored my words.

« **He's not gonna help us.** » You affirmed.

« **You cut the power, risking the lives of everyone in this mountain-- my people, even the ones who helped you.** »

« **We knew they'd be safe on level five. We made sure not to destroy the turbines so you could repair them. We're the good guys here, not you.** » You were starting to get angry.

« **Tell me, if we released your people and theirs, what would've happened to mine?** »

You didn't answer. Instead, you turned to Monty.

« **Can you get us into the command center? We need to see what's happening on level five.** »

« **No problem.** »

I grabbed Dante:« **Let's go. You're gonna help us, whether you like it or not.** »

We arrived at level 5, empty, but we are still suspicious.

Dante looked quiet: « **I told you, there's no one here.** »

« **Sorry if we don't take your word for it.** » I replied, always on the lookout, watching your back ...

« **Why aren't you with your people on level five?** » You asked him.

« **After what I've done, they can be free. I can't. Deliverance comes at a cost. I bear it so they don't have to.** »

I understood... « **It wasn't Cage. It was your idea to make the deal with the Grounders.** » He nodded…

« **We're in. Got it.** » Monty had managed to open the door.

I went in first.

« I **t's clear. He's telling the truth.** »

« **Let's get the monitors up.** » You asked Monty

Monty turned on the screens...

« **Oh, my god.** »You trembled when you saw the images from the lab... I quickly understood why.

« **Is that Raven?** » She was lying on the operating table. They were going to kill her...and torture her first by removing her bone marrow without putting her to sleep.

You stared at the screen and looked at all our people tied up...your mother among them... « **Mom...** ». Your self-control collapsed. I could feel your distress escaping through every pore of your skin.

I picked up the walkie-talkie and yelled at Dante: « **Tell them to stop. Now.** »

« **I won't do that.** »

You looked at the screen in the dining room... « **Emmerson...** » You seemed to recognize a guard and took the walkie-talkie out of my hands. « **Carl Emerson, Mount Weather Security Detail, come in.** »

« **Who is this?** »

« **You know who it is. Give the radio to the president.** »

He moved... Monty also succeeded in following him thanks to their cameras.

« **This is President Wallace.** »

« **I have your father. If you don't let my people go, I'll kill him. »**

« **How do I know you have him?** »

You handed the radio to Dante: « **Stay the course, Cage.** »

« **You won't do it.** » He provoked you.

« **You don't know me very well. This ends now. Release my people.** »

« **I can't do that.** »

Dante added :« **It would mean the end of our people, Clarke.** »

You turned around quickly, pointing your gun at him... I pushed myself sharply, Monty got up... We didn't think you'd get there so quickly. I started to freak out, you were totally unsettled, lost, and I didn't know how to help you, that was your thing... « **Clarke, we need him.** »

« **And I need his son to believe me.** » You answered me.« **Don't make me do this.** » You said to Cage.

« **Dad... I'll take care of our people.** »

Dante seemed astonished, a little frightened, but he remained in his position: « **None of us has a choice here, Clarke.** »

You shook your head, yourself troubled because you were about to make ... « **I didn't want this.** » You breathed sincerity and sorrow. This gesture was going to break you. Your fear, your anguish emanated from you like a toxic cloud. I could feel its poison...

« **Neither did I.** » You didn't let him go on and shot him right in the chest. You watched him fall apart. You cried. You couldn't stand what you'd just done and it showed. I could see into your soul and your soul was breaking apart. My heart squeezed at the sight of your beautiful face deformed by the awareness of what you had just done and your ocean eyes on the verge of tears. I didn't really know how to react. I wanted to be the one you could count on, and yet...fortunately you quickly regained the upper hand... « **Listen to me very carefully. I will not stop until my people are free. If you don't let them go... I will irradiate level five.** **Cage, listen to me. I don't want anyone else to die. Stop the drilling, and we can talk. There must be a way to get us all out of this.** »

He did not answer and sent Emmerson to kill us instead. We didn't have much time before he got to us.

« **They deactivated my key card. Can you do that to his?** » I asked Monty.

« **That one's easy.** »

« **Where's he going?** »

« **The dorm.** » It was the place where they collected.... « **Monty, can you do it? Can you irradiate the level?** »

« **I can do it.** »

« **Wait a second, Clarke. We need to think about this. There are kids in there...** ». I was trying to reason with you... The solution was a bit drastic.

« **I know** » I could read the pain in your eyes. You didn't know how to deal with it, you were really overwhelmed by your emotions, by the fear, the urge to help...no one should have to go through this. Especially not you.

« **And people who helped us.** »

« **Then please give me a better idea.** »You begged me, you were sincere, you didn't want to do it, your eyes fogged with tears... I understood then that there were no others. Unfortunately, it was the only solution to save our own people, even if we had to annihilate these other people, full of innocents. You had probably gone over everything in your head more quickly than I had before it came to this. We were at an absolute dead end. It came down to that, for them or for us.

We saw Cage replace Raven with your mother on the operating table. You lost your means, petrified... « **What have I done?** » You were staring at the screen... shivering, lost, guilty. You would never have forgiven yourself if Raven, your mother, and everyone else had been killed that day. You would have hated yourself, too, and blamed yourself. In fact, you would have blamed yourself the same way you did afterward, and probably even more.

I tried one last time to change your mind. « **Clarke, if we do this, there is no going back.** » I also had tears in my eyes when I thought of the ultimatum that was coming to us and the only horrible solution we had...

You didn't dare cross my gaze and turn to Monty. « **Figure it out.** »

I was watching the screens when I saw Octavia in danger, running in one of the corridors on level 5, with Maya. She killed two guards, but more arrived, more numerous.

« **They got to get out of there.** »

On our side, Emmerson was trying to break down our door.

« **Jasper. They caught him.** » Monty commented on another screen... The situation could hardly be worse. Your mother, Octavia, and Jasper were in danger... The three of us had the person we loved the most threatened to die at any moment. Of course, we didn't know that Jasper had been caught on purpose so that he could try to kill Cage. But in hindsight, I don't think he could have succeeded, and even if he had, his people would never have stopped. They saw us as their way out.

Octavia entered the dining room with Maya, people started to panic when they saw my sister who looked like a grounder. The guards came in and surrounded them... They were going to kill her. My sister, my responsibility. « **Why are you stopping?** » You asked Monty.

« **Because I did it. All we have to do... is pull this. Hatches and vents will open, and the scrubbers reverse, pulling in outside air.** »

You didn't seem to be in such a hurry all of a sudden, thinking one last time about the terrible choice that had to be made. Emmerson was about to blow the door down.

« **Clarke, we're out of time.** »Monty exclaimed.

You put your hand on the lever... and looked at the screens one last time. Your mother on the operating table, suffering and soon to die, our people hanging on the wall...my sister on the floor... You couldn't do this alone, I couldn't let you do this alone. I knew it would break you and that was the last thing you deserved.

« **My sister. My responsibility.** » I whispered with tears in my eyes, giving myself a pretext, an excuse for the gesture I was going to make to support you... You looked at Monty, you cried too. « **I have to save them.** » As if to convince yourself...Monty didn't contradict you.

I put my hand on yours... and plunged my gaze into yours... « **Together .** » Together we were unstoppable, together we could do anything, together we would survive. I won't let you do this by yourself. I also had to save our people, and my sister more than anything else. We had no other options. Together we were unbeatable, together we could do everything, defeat everything, and together we would bear the weight of our actions. I will be there, I will always be there. I will not abandon you and we will carry this burden together.

You raised your eyes so sad to me and nodded your head... We lowered the lever. Together.

Another painful, horrible memory, probably the worst of all. And yet it is this one that sealed our bond forever. I never blamed you. It was the only choice we had, otherwise we would have seen all of our people die, we would surely have died too, and these people won't stop killing. It would have taken me longer than you to realize this, but I would have come to the same conclusion.

The guards collapsed in the operating room... The people in the refectory as well. We saw Jasper rushing towards Maya, dying... Emmerson escaped. We had made it. We had "won," so... why did victory taste so bitter?

« **Let's go get our people.** » You whispered sadly.


	18. MAY WE MEET AGAIN

Octavia had already left to free them.

We arrived in the dining room and saw the dreadful spectacle that stood in front of us. Our work... dozens of corpses lying on the floor and on the chairs. Plates still full of their meal that they had not had time to take... women, children... old people... all innocent. Our work, sinister, cruel, desperate.

We advanced to reach the dorms, but Jasper stood in our way, Maya dead in his arms... he would be only a shadow of himself now. « **What did you do?** ». He was angry with us, and he would never forgive us, neither would we.

« **We had no choice.** » You replied to him, your voice full of doubt, trying to believe yourself in these words.

« **I was gonna kill Cage. If you'd just given me one more minute, it would've been over.** » Thundered by this scene that was being played in front of us, I suddenly realize that my hands are trembling feverishly. It is in fact my whole body that is shivering under the shock of the tragedy we have just caused.

« **Jasper, they never would've stopped.** » I replied, trying to convince myself.

« **We have to go to the dorm.** » You continued, with a trembling voice and tears in your eyes. I followed you, Monty stayed a few seconds longer with Jasper... Their strong friendship would never be the same again.

You joined your mother and hugged her...finally letting go, crying. « **I tried. I tried to be the good guy.** » I heard you always tell her, sobbing... « **Maybe there are no good guys.** » She answered you before taking you back in her arms...

Kane walked towards me, a glint of pride in his eyes that I greeted with surprise... « **You did good. Now let's get these people home.** »

« **Yes, sir.** » I wasn't as sure as he was...

Octavia interrupted us... « **Where's Cage?** »

We later learned that Lincoln had finished him in the woods. No one regretted his death.

The return to camp was calm and solemn, silent. Everyone was probably thinking back to the nightmare we had just lived through... I stood at the camp gate, watching everyone enter, finding their loved ones warmly...everyone was more or less happy...except Jasper.

Kane entered with Abby, on a stretcher. My sister with Lincoln, Raven in Wick's arms... I was waiting for you. They were all accompanied. I wanted to walk through that door with you. We had gone through this painful ordeal together. We had put that lever down together and it was together that I wanted to make a new start... I didn't think I could say it so well.

I saw you hug Monty in your arms before he went home alone. Something about the way you were... I felt like you were saying goodbye. I came to find you again, trying to relax the atmosphere...

« **I think we deserve a drink.** ». What an idiot, we had just committed genocide and I suggested that we celebrate...you idiot! But I was not proud of what we had done, far from it.

« **Have one for me.** » We both looked towards the camp. And I began to understand... No, there's no way I could face this without you. You were the only person who didn't see me as a monster, the only one who trusted me completely and blindly. I needed you, you were my anchor.

« **Hey. We'll get through this.** ». I said "we", remember? I didn't want you to carry this burden alone and I couldn't see myself doing it without you around. That's when the world around me seemed to fall apart...when you answered me... « **I'm not going in.** » I understood that no matter what I said, you would do whatever the hell you wanted...

I turned with you with all sincerity and the best intention I could… » **Look. If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you.** » Using the same words that had so soothed me a few weeks earlier when I too wanted to run away. « **You're forgiven.** » You fled from my gaze, yours was beginning to fill with tears ready to come out... « **Please come inside.** »

« **Take care of them for me.** »

« **Clarke…** » I implored you with emotion. I didn't know what to say. I would have liked to throw myself on your knees, begging you not to leave, to stay with me. I know it would have been selfish, but after all we'd been through, you couldn't abandon me. The sadness overwhelmed me and gnawed at every part of my body.

« **No. Seeing their faces every day is just gonna remind me of what I did to get them here.** »

« **What we did. You don't have to do this alone.** » I reminded you. That was precisely why I had lowered that lever with you.

You looked again at the Ark, where your mother was... « **I bear it so they don't have to.** » You quote Dante's speech word for word. I understood at that moment that you were determined...I couldn't bear to see you suffer...This time again, I felt tears stinging my eyes and a stone fall on my heart, crushing it with all its weight.

« **Where you gonna go?** »You needed time, but I knew that every minute spent away from you would be an agony. I had never known life on earth without Clarke Griffin, and I didn't want to.

« **I don't know.** » JI hesitated to ask you if I could come with you, this idea came to my mind and I regretted for several weeks or even months not to have gone with you. I was no doubt a coward, even though I thought I was brave in facing our people... You came forward, placed a tender kiss on my cheek and embraced me. I felt my heart tremble under the effect of this innocent kiss that left a myriad of shivers on my skin. I held my breath. I was burning with the desire to turn my face slightly so that my lips would join yours and make you feel all the love I felt for you...yet I remained tetanized, paralyzed by the pain... « **May we meet again.** »You whispered in the hollow of my ear, weeping.

You left after a last look full of tears that finally made mine flow...You didn't turn around. I came back, powerless, devastated, gnawed by the pain. The guilt had vanished for a few moments to give way to the gaping hole you had just dug in my heart. I had lost you, I had failed, I had never had you anyway. Clarke Griffin belongs to no one. « **May we meet again. »** I answered you far too late.

You abandoned me... I felt empty...The root of this elusive feeling was silently implanting itself in me; there, right in the hollow of my chest.

Damn it Clarke... I totally understand why you left. I blamed you, of course, later. To be honest, I thought you would change your mind and come back sooner... I didn't know you well yet. You must have gone through hell during those 3 months when you were alone, hunted ... I had nightmares about it every night.

This goodbye was so painful for me. I feel so bad about letting you go... I should have held you back. I should never have released you. I should have hugged you and shown you that you were not alone, you would never be alone with me. I should have told you at that moment that what we did didn't change the feelings that were growing inside of me. I should have been more convincing... Or I should have gone with you. After all, Octavia had Lincoln...so many regrets...everything would have been different if I could have stopped you from leaving.... The Mount Weather genocide will haunt me until the day I die just as it will haunt you. And yet, to have let you go at that time is one of my greatest regrets, if I had insisted, everything would have been different today...I'm sorry... I shouldn't have given up so easily.

But this separation, this desertion, awakened the worst of emotions in me and it was still a first for me. If there were still some doubts in my mind about the nature of what I felt for you, the gaping hole you left in my heart that day confirmed them in the worst way. But it was a fact, a revelation, a fucking revelation, as sure as 2 and 2 is 4 and I need oxygen to survive: I was completely, totally in love with you from the bottom of my heart, I loved you, I still love you and I will love you forever, Clarke Griffin, viscerally, unconditionally, forever. I was born to love you Princess.


	19. 3 MONTHS

You didn't come back, I was waiting for you, that's all I could do, I should never have let you go... Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months... 3 months... 3 months without news of you. I didn't want to believe you were dead. I didn't want to give up. Neither did your mother. I think your mother blamed me at first for not holding you. But she certainly wasn't as mad at me as I was. I replayed the scene 100 times in my head, finding a phrase, a gesture each time, that would make you change your mind. My memory tortured me and my mind left me no respite.

In the beginning, it was very hard... I stayed several days locked in my room, I didn't want to see anyone, I was waiting for your return. I had nightmares every night when I saw all those bodies lying on the floor of Mount Weather, I saw that little boy who had come to talk to me... screaming in pain before dying from radiation... I had no doubt that you had the same nightmares. We could have overcome them together. It would have helped us for sure. Then the nightmares started to get more and more about you, I saw you die a thousand and one ways in those nightmares...and they were the worst...I loved you so much that it was killing me inside. I felt like I was lost, with no landmarks or compass. How can we stay the same when someone we love abandons us. I had gone crazy. Never before had I felt so lost, let alone since we met, you were the one who was pointing me north. I always found my way back because you were my way. I will never be the same again. It wasn't for lack of trying, but my efforts and smiles sounded hollow.

Octavia came to shake me out, trying to justify my actions, and explaining the affair of Your DC, telling me how wrong what you had done was and that she was glad she didn't have to see you around anymore...She didn't really mean it, I guess, but she knew that my misery wasn't only because of my guilt, but also and especially because of your leaving. We never talked about it openly, but I have no doubt that she knew... My little sister had become a real warrior, much stronger than me.

And then, there were these ready-made sentences that came out a billion times. Readymade phrases like "Life goes on" and I could hear myself saying "Yes, I know" but I thought deep down inside, "No, life doesn't go on". »

Then came the time when my grief turned to anger, against you, against myself for letting you go... I wanted to forget you. I drank as much as I could...hung out with Jasper as much as I could, even though he disliked my presence. He didn't understand why I was as bad as he was when he was the one who had lost the girl he loved. I ended up in a different bed every night, passing from arm to arm trying to forget you. Of course it didn't work, it was even worse. Forgive me for the anger I felt when you left. But that's how I met Gina. She wasn't like the others. She stood up to me, tried to understand me, she was more mature than the others... more like you in a way.

I liked her, I think, or maybe I was trying to hold on to her and convince myself that I was starting to develop. She was a good person. Without her, I wouldn't have been able to hold on... But she wasn't you.

The guards started to make rounds to locate the neighborhoods, to define perimeters, to spot our surroundings. Kane quickly offered me to be part of the guard. I had apparently proven myself. He seemed to trust me and I liked my relationship with him. Thinking about it now, Kane represented to me the father I had never had. He was a great role model.

When I look back on that time, I feel like I was in a vending machine. I smiled, ate, worked... and at the end of the day, I realized that I hadn't experienced anything I had done. I was somewhere, lost between my thoughts and the pain.

I trained every day with Lincoln, who had become my friend. He was good to my sister, she loved him. I was happy for her. Yet, as soon as I saw them together I couldn't stop thinking about you. Just like every time I hugged Gina. I think she knew that deep down inside, she was an intelligent woman, she must have known that my mind, my heart was somewhere else. She was too good for me, just like you. Not a day went by when I didn't think of you, torn between anger, pain and fear. I felt like there was a huge gap between me and others that would never be bridged again if you didn't come back.

Lincoln had helped me tremendously to improve my hand-to-hand fighting skills. We were trying to pass on these defense tactics to other young people. The peace with the grounders was weak. We knew that. The council had accepted him as one of us. They even offered him one of our uniforms, much to the dismay of my sister, who felt closer to grounders than to our own people.

I quickly took part in the expeditions of recognition. I searched for you, I watched for the slightest trace that could give me hope that you were close and alive. Your mother must have known, because she often asked me for news. She didn't seem to be angry with me anymore for letting you go. I guess my guilt was obvious enough to make her realize that I bitterly regret that moment.

I felt better in the eyes of others. Life had resumed its course for almost everyone except Jasper, I couldn't blame him, I understood him. But I had to move on. You left me no choice. You were gone. But you still existed. There was still hope. I wouldn't give up. I had to find you.


	20. I’ll do anything, I’ll stop fighting. Just please don’t kill him.

So it has been three months since you left, since you abandoned me. A day that looked like another day, we picked up a radio signal during an outing from sector 7, it was the signal from the agricultural station where Monty's parents came from. After having had some problems with some Azgeda warriors and having heard for the first time the name Wanheda, I joined Kane in sector 4, strangely too far from the camp for Kane to venture there without a good reason.

Kane was not alone, he was with Indra... I found that weird. I knew that both respected each other, but to collaborate...

I started to apologize and justify myself for the 3 warriors we had just killed, but Kane cut me off: « **I'll deal with that later. This is about Clarke.»** That sentence sounded like an adrenaline rush to me. Just hearing your name awakened a variety of feelings and hopes in me, my heart leaping in my chest and I couldn't control it. « **What about her?** » I asked worried or euphoric, I didn't know, depending on the news Indra was going to announce.

« **She's being hunted.** »she announced.

« **By who?** » Monty asked then.

« **By everyone.** » Indra then replied, looking at me. I was decomposing...I had to find you again no matter what.

We took the Rover in the direction of the last information Indra had. I was silent, thinking of only one thing: finding you. You were alive and that was the most important thing...But for how long were you going to stay alive?

Kane explained to Monty that he didn't want to tell Abby until we had more information...

« **We know there's a kill order.** », I answered...always fixing the skyline. I added to Indra's attention « **Your people are big on those.** ». I was angry. I knew that Indra was there to help us and that if we managed to save you it would be thanks to her... But it was also her people who had put a price on your head.

« **It's not a kill order. It's a bounty. Clarke's a symbol. She's known as Wanheda. The Commander of Death.** » We looked at each other with Monty « **The Ice Nation guys we killed asked about Wanheda. They're looking for Clarke, why?** »

« **My people believe that when you kill someone you get their power. Kill Wanheda and you command death.** » I couldn't believe it... Seriously? You, commander of death? You must have felt even worse. You were running away from your demons, in the end that nickname just made them worse.

« **She's just one girl.** » Kane was also surprised. He was wrong, you were much more than that, you were unique, exceptional, you were many things... but not Wanheda!

« **So was the commander.** » Indra resumed « **What Clarke did at Mount Weather weakened her. The Ice Nation emboldened. Their queen wants Clarke's power. If her people believe she has it, she'll break the Coalition and start a war. I can't let that happen.** »

I don't know what her intentions were, but she wouldn't touch any of your hair, nobody would touch you. I had to hurry! Wanheda... Did they know that you were not alone that day? We had put that lever down together...but you were the only one who was wanted and threatened. Guilt took over...afterwards, many tried to stir up my jealousy by pointing out that you had benefited from the genocide alone... But what benefit was there to be had? I was never jealous, I never envied you. I was only saddened that you had to endure it alone.

Indra took us to the barter stand in sector 7. A girl named Niylah was the manager. It was on the way to this little shack that we found Monty's mother, Pike, and other Arcadians, who had set a trap for us, taking us for natives. Some of them went back to l'Arche, but Pike wanted to help us. He knew the area and you were one of his best students...that didn't surprise me.

We arrived at the trading center just in time. Niylah was being beaten by a bounty hunter that I didn't hesitate for a minute to shoot. Indra explained to Niylah that we were looking for Wanheda.

« **So was he.** » She replied, pointing to the body lying on the ground. She was really banged up pretty bad.

« **Please. She’s in danger.** »I implored her. She had to see in my eyes that I was honest. She must have liked you too. Otherwise, she wouldn't have helped us.

« **You’re Skaikru?** »

« **Yes**.»

She doesn't think long before making her decision: « **She was here last night.** »

I immediately turned to Kane, who walked towards her: « **Did she say where she was going?** »

« **She was here when I fell asleep and gone when I woke up.** »

I stayed in my thoughts...You were alive, not far away otherwise. You had spent the night here. This girl seemed to care about you and like you... I tried not to think about what you might have done with her... I had no right to do that anyway. I had moved on too, and you didn't owe me anything...

« **She give you any indication of where she might go?** »

« **No** »...A heavy disappointment took hold of me, but she continued... « **But he did. He said that his partner came back for her. He was Ice Nation. I hope you find her.** » She seemed really sincere. It wasn't a great track, it's not great news either as the Ice Nation was the worst of all. But that was it. There was always hope. We had to hurry.

« **Thank you.** » I tell her, sincerely.

Monty entered at that moment: « **Good news. I found fresh track.** »

« **Great, start the rover.** »

« **That’s the bad news. Too many trees. We have to go on foot. »** He continued.

I gave Niylah one last glance of thanks and rushed to find you.

We were walking in a wheat field, Monty was talking with his mother, Pike started asking me questions about the grounders and our relationship with them. Indra suddenly stopped us, hearing a noise...

« **Azgeda...** »

« **You can tell it’s Ice Nation from the sound?** » Monty asked

« **No, from them.** » Indra said, pointing to 3 corpses on the floor.

Pike ran to them: « **We need to get those bodies off the field unless you’re good with them thinking we did this.** »

I was watching the surroundings through the sight of my weapon when... « **Wait. two people at twelve o clock.** »... It made my blood boil, my heart started beating as if it would soon explode... It was you. Gagged and tied up, but there you were, alive, a few dozen meters away from me... It was you, and with you, all my sensations were shaken, deformed, transformed...« **It's Clarke.** » I didn't think for a second and ran towards you like I was magnetized, but Pike stopped me.

« **Hey hey hey** »

« **Get out of my way!** » I shouted at him. Every second was taking me away from you and seeing you so close ... I couldn't wait any longer.

« **You’ll never make it in time.** »

« **He’s right. Look.** » Monty commented.

I looked through my viewfinder, and indeed, a whole Azgeda army came towards us. Monty added:« **No way we get across without being seen.** »

Pike added while I was still looking at you: « **We should lay low, let the army pass, then we find Clarke.** »

I didn't answer...you were getting further and further away...It would probably be too late if we waited, but I knew they were right. I was screaming from the inside. We were so close...

« **Guys. There’s a cave.** » Monty advised.

« **We just got lucky.** » Pike added.

Indra explained to Kane that she couldn't follow us. The Ice Nation had crossed the border and they were marching toward the commander. She had to warn her. She added that we had to make sure we found you before the Ice Nation or you would be dead and we would be at war.

We had been in the cave for a few minutes, but I couldn't hold still. Thinking about the worst that could happen, the distance that every minute put between you and me. You were there, we had a chance, maybe our last chance. I couldn't just sit there and do nothing. I made one last attempt to convince Kane: « **We’re losing her.** »

« **Relax. Save your energy.** »

« **Kane’s right, son. The army will move soon. You’ll need your strength for what comes next.** » Pike commented... they didn't understand... I just couldn't wait. Relax? While you were being dragged like a dog towards death... I just couldn't. Every cell in my body was thinking about reaching you, saving you, bringing you back, keeping you close to me. I wasn't thinking about Gina anymore, I was only focusing on you. It was always just you in the end.

I pretended to reconsider and went to sit next to the bodies we had hidden. That's when a crazy idea came into my head... I didn't think for a second about the tremendous risks I would take. It was the only solution. So I discreetly took the clothes and disguised myself as an Azgeda warrior after hearing Pike's awful story about how Monty's father had lived his last hours...then I walked straight to the army, straight in your direction. I'll come and get you no matter what. Maybe, when you love someone, you don't need courage. We just do what our heart demands, even if our head calls us crazy. Needless to say, I wasn't being so smart when I found myself surrounded by Azgeda warriors and one of them pointed at me, I was going the wrong way... Of course, what an idiot! I was very lucky and managed to pass the field without any problem, fear in my stomach, more due to the fear of losing you for good than to be discovered. I reached the woods and tried to look for traces. Luckily for me, your captor was not discreet and was apparently injured...unless it was your blood. At the thought, I accelerated again.

I reached a staircase that seemed to lead to an underground...I went down carefully. There was no noise. The room seemed empty at first glance.

Yet I saw your hands sticking out the side of a wide concrete post. Don't ask me how I did it, but I had no doubt that your hands were yours. I would have recognized them out of all the others. I didn't take the time to check the place, nothing existed, nothing but you.

So I walked towards this post and found you there, gagged and tied up, scared...your hair had grown, you looked like a savage and yet you were even prettier than I remembered. Seeing you there so beautiful and vulnerable, I wanted to let go of my tears that had been held back for too long. I just wanted you to throw yourself into my arms and never let go of you again.

I felt complete for the first time in 3 months. You didn't seem to believe that I was standing in front of you with tears in my eyes. I delicately ran a hand over your soft face, to free a lock of hair that prevented me from seeing that beautiful ocean look in which I dreamed of drowning. How I missed those eyes! I took a deep breath and looked at you, desperately clinging to your eyes that pierced me with that intensity that defined you.

« **I’ll get you out of here.** » I was trying to say to reassure you by removing the piece of cloth that served as a gag.

« **Look out!** » You shouted as you looked at Roan who was behind me. I was so absorbed in you that I hadn't paid attention to the rest of the room where Roan was being treated.

It didn't take much effort for him to get the advantage over me and put me down. Even though I had more experience than before, he was still an excellent warrior and we would soon find out why. He pointed his sword at me, ready to put an end to my life. « **Oh please, please don’t. »** You begged him, with terror in your voice... « **I’ll do anything, I’ll stop fighting. Just please don’t kill him.** » You concluded your sentence by crying. 

He looked at you and must have seen that you were sincere, or maybe he just took pity on your begging look. It must be said that you could not be denied much with such a look. I didn't want you to give up, I wanted you to keep fighting, to live. Yet you seemed to value my life more than your own. This thought disturbed me, surprised me, terrorized me... You were so much better than me! Why were you trying so hard to save me? Maybe for the same reasons I did... No, that couldn't be the case... I had to get it out of my head. And yet, your words had just forged in me a tiny hope. I had to hold on to them. I wanted to hold on to them.

He drew his sword.

« **Thank you.** » You gasped, just before he slashed my leg, probably suspecting that I would not have given up.

« **Don’t follow us.** » Then he knocked me out. I had failed, again.


	21. WE CAN’T LOSE CLARKE

I got up as quickly as I could as soon as I woke up. I didn't know how long it had been. My leg was hurting like hell, but it was nothing compared to the ball in my stomach that was terrorizing me.

I was walking through the woods, holding myself from tree to tree as I could with the wound still raw...when I heard Monty « **Bellamy, he's hurt** ». I stopped against the tree for a few seconds so they could join me. My leg hurt so badly, but it was nothing compared to the pain of not being able to save you.

« **We told you to wait for the army to move.** »

« **What happened?** » Monty asked, worried.

« **I almost got her.** » I barely managed to articulate, still too full of emotions.

« **Pike, find their trail.** » Kane asked

« **It’s useless. He knows he’s being followed now.** »He was right... I had just blown our chance to get you back. I had once again acted without thinking, letting my emotions drive me, and I had screwed it all up.

So I walked again, suffocating in pain. I only took a step or two before Kane abruptly pulled me back.

« **Hey. You can’t even walk.** »

« **So what, we give up? Let him kill her?** » I got going again, but it was Monty who caught up with me this time.

« **I want to find her too, but look at your leg. You could die out here. We have no trail.** » I knew he was right, but I couldn't accept it and I couldn't resign myself. I had to find you, it was as vital to me as breathing. I was devastated. I could feel what was left of my heart beating in my rib cage, bruised, lacerated with blows, shot.

« **We can’t lose Clarke.** » I shouted at him, tears began to fall from my eyes ... looking at them all one by one and then coming back to Monty ... « **We can’t lose her.** »I shook my head, tears now rolling down my cheeks, begging Monty. I think he must have understood that by "we" I meant "I". I couldn't lose you. I didn't need to add those few words that pierced my eyes in tears: "I love her". I could see in Monty's eyes that he understood that, and I think Kane did, too.

« **We’ll find her, Okay, we will figure something out, I promise. But this isn’t the way.** »

I calmed down a little, still in tears, but resigned... « **Okay.** »I had no choice, with my bleeding leg, I could barely stand up...I cursed myself inside.

We went back to camp....

We learned the very next day thanks to Indra that you were in Polis and the commander kept you "safe". I could hardly believe it. I couldn't understand why. I wanted you in our home, close to me. Your mother had healed my wound and was very grateful to me for not giving up quickly, even if it didn't stop her from lecturing me about the risks I had taken...you both look so much alike, the same temper.

The Farm Station joined us and asked to move to Mount Weather. We didn't have much room left in the camp anyway. It wasn't a good idea, but we let them do it anyway.

Lexa then invited us to a meeting with all the clan chiefs in Polis where we will finally be able to pick you up. Your mother and Kane went there along with a few trusted guards. I wanted to go, but apparently, I was in no condition according to them. So I went with Gina, Octavia, and Raven to Mount Weather to finish settling our new arrivals. I was thinking about Polis all the way there, about what could happen there, about you... Were you at least treated well? I couldn't wait for you to come back. I won't be at peace until you're here.

The Rover parked in front of the mountain and I went out, my mind elsewhere, looking towards the woods as if I could see the capital from here, as if I was going to see you. Gina pulled me out of my thoughts.

« **Hey... The summit delegation will be fine.** » Unfortunately, I wasn't so sure and my place was there.

« **I should be there.** » She probably thought I wanted to be there so that I could protect our people. That was the case, of course. But most of all I wanted to find you and protect you.

« **Then you wouldn't be here with me.** » She said with a slight smile... I really didn't deserve her. She cared about me, surely loved me, and all I cared about was finding you. You haunted me. Of course, I cared about her, but not the way I should have. I tried not to make it seem like I did...

« **You make a good argument.** » Good, but not enough.

« **Besides, as soon as your leg heals, you'll be right back out there.** » I wouldn't have to go back outside if you were with me, but I couldn't say that to her. Could I just continue to be with her if you came back? Would I be able to pretend that my feelings for you weren't so strong?

« **My leg's fine. Kane's trying to teach me a lesson.** » And I meant it. Gina was far from stupid. I know she realized that my behavior had changed since I had tried to bring you back and I knew you were alive.

She and Raven had bonded tremendously. They were very close and got along great. Raven seemed to be recovering well from Finn's death, she was moving forward even though her leg was crippling and hurting her very much.

We arrived in front of the dining room... It was obviously a party, there was music, people were comfortable... I wasn't at all relaxed. The last time I stood in that square, you were by my side and it was covered with the corpses of the innocent people we had just killed... Octavia and Raven did not share the general joy either, especially Octavia who was thinking like a grounder now.

I came out of there, I needed to get some fresh air. I couldn't stand this place. Octavia was also out, sitting above the bunker door. I climbed up to her...

« **This is such a mistake. The Grounders will never accept it.** »

« **We're not the Mountain Men, O. Nyko, and Lincoln will make them see that.** » I was trying to convince myself of this. I didn't want to be there either, I knew it was wrong, but not because of what the grounders would think.

« **How? Lincoln has a kill order on him? He can't even leave camp without risking his life.** » I understood all too well how she could feel, but I tried to reassure her.

« **The summit will take care of that.** »

« **Then we can finally get out of here.** » I understood then that she intended to leave, really, as soon as Lincoln could. She turned to me... « **I'm sorry, Bell. I don't fit in here.** »

For once, I decided to trust her, she had proved to me that she was worthy of it. I no longer had any rights over her. I couldn't hold her back...and, to be honest, I think knowing that you were coming back here helped me accept my sister's leaving. I knew you would ease the pain of having her away from me.

« **If you need to leave, I get that, but you'll always fit in with me.** » She took my hand, her eyes full of gratitude as I hadn't seen them in a long time. And as I would never see them again for several months... This conversation and one of the most beautiful memories I have of spending time with my sister on Earth, as sad as it was.

We were interrupted by 2 guards who arrived with a grounder. It was Echo. I rescued her and she told us that the meeting was a trap. An assassin was there and our people were going to die. Despite Pike's doubts, I decided to trust her ... another big mistake.

Pike didn't want to risk abandoning the mountain when you might already be dead.

I asked Gina to stay here to help Raven with the launch codes. She took me in her arms, kissed me, asked me not to act like a stupid hero... I left for Polis without really taking the time to say goodbye... If only I had known that the assassin was already there.

Arriving at the Polis entrance, we found our 2 guards dead. That only reinforced our fears and confirmed Echo's version even if Pike remained on his guard. The latter led us then in the tunnels. We had to kill a few guard, including those who were in charge of the elevator. We didn't necessarily have to, as Octavia pointed out, I simply wanted to, I hated them, and with Pike by my side, it didn't help... We then climbed all the floors to reach the throne room.

We didn't expect to find a ceremony like the one upstairs. You had actually managed to negotiate our union with the coalition. We were now the 13th clan, this alliance sealed thanks to you, Wanheda, and Marcus, who had the symbol of the coalition engraved with iron. That's when we stormed into the room with hostages.

**« Bellamy ?** » You seemed so surprised to see me and panicked, because you soon knew that my presence wasn't normal. It was hard for me to recognize you…but geez, you were stunning! You always were, but that night you were divine, almost unreal.

They explained to you the trap set by the Ice Nation and the 2 dead guards. I turned around so that Echo could explain everything, but she had already disappeared. That's when it became clear that it was us who'd fallen into the trap. The assassin wasn't at Polis, but at Mount Weather. He had moved us away so that he could launch the missile. Moreover, the missile wasn't directed at Polis... It was to self-destruct Mount Weather.

Raven and Sinclair were fortunately outside at the time of the explosion. All the others died. Gina's dead.

Raven warned us through the walkie-talkie. She was in tears. Everyone in the room could hear, everyone looked shocked, even Lexa and Indra. I don't guess they knew. The Ice Nation claimed responsibility without waiting for the attack. Abby and Kane decided to go home in case Arkadia suffered a second attack. Lexa promised them that she would protect and help them.

« **Clarke, we need to leave now.** » I urged you.

But Lexa hastened to add: « **We need an ambassador from the 13th Clan to stay here in Polis.** » She was smart.

I maintain her gaze which did not impress me at all: « **It's not safe here.** » Her dark eyes clung to my face and seemed to want to wrest the essence of my secrets from me. A strange and unknown feeling seized me and made me shiver: hate. She wanted you, not as an ambassador, no, she wanted you because she too was in love with you. « **Clarke will be safe here under my protection.** » I was boiling inside. If the room wasn't so well guarded I would have killed her on the spot.

You walked towards your mother: « **I have to stay.** **I have to make sure she keeps her word.** » Were you so naive? I couldn't believe it.

Titus advised Lexa that a council of war had to be scheduled immediately. You gave your mother one last hug...

Marcus seemed to approve of your decision.

I was the only one left... You stared at me as if you were hoping for my approval. Of course, I didn't give it to you. I didn't understand. I was devastated. Gina had just died and all I cared about was you coming home with me. I needed you, more than ever.

« **She left us to die on that mountain. She will always put her people first. You should come home to yours.** » I was eating you with my eyes, I was aware of it, trying to fathom your soul, trying to make you realize that she wasn't worth it...

You must have seen the emotion in my eyes, because I felt that the tears were also on the edge of yours... I had the hope, for a few seconds, that you would follow me...but you had already made up your mind and no one can change Clarke Griffin's mind...especially not me, at least not at that time. « **I'm sorry.** » You just said, breaking my heart once again. It's hard to admit when you know it's too late that it's no longer of any use. It's painful. We are powerless in the face of this overwhelming jealousy, in the face of this unrequited love.

I left right away, too angry, upset, sad...a million different emotions were overwhelming me.... I preferred not to add anything that I could regret... You were abandoning me again...and this time you had no good excuse in my opinion. I had lost you for good, you had made your decision alone, and that night you signed my loss too... You couldn't play with me like that, you understand, you couldn't have won my trust, my love, and then let me go as if nothing had happened. You had no right. I had a damn heart, and even if that heart loved you more than was humanly possible, it didn't belong to you, you couldn't control everything like that, you couldn't trample everything underfoot. But why did you do that? Why?


	22. YOU LEFT ME

Once back in Arkadia, I decided to give my guard uniform back to Kane, I didn't deserve it anymore. I could no longer bear the weight on my shoulders. They were all dead because of me, because I was gone. Gina was dead because of me. I was so angry at myself...even more so than I was with the Mount Weather genocide. I had a real choice there, and besides, they were our people. And all this to make you abandon me again... You had destroyed me.

I was consumed with guilt and remorse. I needed to let go of that. Pike saw it easily and turned that pain into rage and hatred. He had the knack for it. I'm not the only one who got screwed... But I was certainly the one who helped him the most. I turned against everyone, my friends, Octavia…The worst part is that I honestly thought I was on the right track. I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, that I was acting out of revenge...

And frankly, the hatred I had against the grounders wasn't only due to Mount Weather... Lincoln, as good as he was, had taken my sister away from me. And you had chosen to stay by Lexa's side. Grounders were taking everything from me. I didn't understand at the time that it was my fault. I was blinded by sadness and rage.

When I helped Pike, who was elected chancellor partly thanks to me, to eliminate the army that was there to help us... there was no turning back. I had crossed the line and I had to comfort myself with the idea that it was the right thing to do. Those deaths still haunt me... I killed them in their sleep, while they were protecting us...I still have a hard time understanding how I got there. Yet I tried to spare the wounded, to not kill everyone... I just managed to spare Indra. I had become the monster I thought I was when we landed... I didn't even dare to face my sister's look when we came back. Pike's speech just after the attack already made me realize that we had gone too far... But it was too late.

Pike succeeded in putting me back in his camp at each of my doubts. He was talented. To tell me the things I needed to hear, to convince me that what we were doing was justified... But it never was, was it? If only you could have been there, if only you had come back with us... I never would have been a part of this.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that. It's in no way your fault. I needed to convince myself of that. Please don't feel guilty, it's really not your fault... I should have reacted differently. Maybe if I had told you my feelings from the beginning we would never have come to this point. I should have told you that I was living for you, for us, for this special bond that was so complicated to define. I couldn't imagine my life without you for a second, it seemed impossible to live without the reason that keeps me alive, and believe me, that's still the case today. You can't separate the inseparable...

When I am with you, that's when I am really me, when I feel good and it's with you that I want to end my life.

Octavia challenged me when we were incarcerating the grounders in the ship, including Lincoln. She was mad as hell and wouldn't listen to my explanations...There was nothing to understand anyway. She dragged me to talk in peace...but in fact, she brought me to you, whom she had succeeded in sneaking in.

« **Look at yourself. It is time to stop playing Grounder before you get yourself hurt.** » I finally told her

« **I'm not playing anything. This is who I am. You're my brother, I shouldn't have to tell you that.** » I didn't answer...I stepped into a room where she led me...I raised my head. And I saw you. There are bonds that never come loose, bonds that are sometimes stronger than time and distance and above all stronger than reason. I should have understood that the minute I saw you in that room. You could trample on my heart and burn every piece, my love for you was still there. And that was really creepy.

« **Now I'm done.** » O told me before leaving the room, leaving us alone.

My first instinct was to hug you, it's always my first impulse when I see you again... But I saw the look in your eyes and I thought I read disappointment, or compassion in it. And then all my anger came up. I won't let myself be softened this time. I didn't want to give you the pleasure of hugging you even though I was dying to. I wanted to make you suffer like you made me suffer, too bad if I hated it.

You spoke first: « **Go easy on Octavia. I had to beg her to get me into camp.** » You seemed really grateful, but a little condescending as well and that didn't help my anger.

« **What are you doing here, Clarke?** » I did my best to stay cold, not to flinch, not to give in to the temptation to embrace you and never let you go again. Ever since I laid my eyes on you my blood was boiling, asking for your heartbeat for mine. I couldn't help it. You rekindled the spark in me, I had to keep you here. You were my new challenge that fate was bringing to my feet and I was burning to face.

« **We need to talk.** »...It only made me madder and revived all the sadness I felt... I kept up our glance exchange, refusing to give in once again.

« **Oh, you've decided that. The mighty Wanheda. Who chose the Grounders over her own people, who turned her back on us when we came to rescue you.** » By "we" I meant « me" of course. I didn't care if you turned your back on the others... but I couldn't stand it when you abandoned me. « **Now you want to talk.** » I was mean to you and I realized it. I couldn't look you in the eye without being totally dazzled by it and I didn't want to break. I wanted to hurt you, even though deep down inside I only knew how to love you.

You didn't respond to my attacks, you just walked towards me.

« **I came here to tell you that the Ice Nation has paid a price. Justice has been served for the attack on Mt. Weather. I came here to tell you it's over.** »

« **There it is again. Why do you get to decide it's over?** »

« **We did our part.** »

« **We?** » With a knotted throat, I held on to your sorry look that pierces me with more ease than a sharp blade.

« **Lexa and I...** » Here we are, I knew it had something to do with her. Damn it, that's all I needed to get really pissed off. Us? Seriously? "We" meaning you and me a few weeks ago! And now I didn't exist anymore! She had manipulated you and kept you away from me. You trusted that grounder bitch! And maybe even you... no, I refused to think about it. I was not only hurt. It wasn't just the lack that spoke. It was jealousy. I was just still deeply in love. But I wasn't really living anymore. Unconsciously, I was still cultivating a hope fueled by my still alive feelings for you. But I had buried them. And this jealousy had awakened them.

You added :« **The Ice Queen is dead. The problem was solved and then you let Pike ruin everything.** » Now you were blaming me! Your accusation was well-founded, but hearing it from your mouth amplified my pain. You hadn't accused me of anything since we went to the depot. You had always defended me even when I didn't deserve it. Something had changed. I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible...

« **Why are you here, Clarke?** »

Why were you looking at me with those eyes full of emotion, on the verge of tears? That look that I couldn't refuse anything, that look that broke my heart...it was better if you finally left, I didn't know how much longer I could stay angry with you.

« **Arkadia needs to make things right or Lexa and the 12 clans will wipe us out.** »

Did you say we? Who were you talking about? Our people or us? No, it was obvious that you didn't care anymore about the two of us and that Lexa obviously wouldn't touch you, well, not in that way...

« **Let her try.** » I challenged.

« **Please tell me that going to war is not what you want.** » My face tightened again. Your words caused a painful storm in me that stirred within my body all the remorse, all the resentment, all the hatred that I contained, not against you, but against myself. I was on the verge of giving in. You were the only one who understood me, even though this time you had no idea how much pain I was suffering because of you. Because you and I are two sides of the same coin, so if you're lost, I'm lost too.

« **We've been at war since we landed. At least Pike understands that.** »

« **Pike is the problem. This isn't who you are.** » Were you trying to wake up the old Bellamy? He was dead at the time you abandoned him. Old Bellamy was only good in your company. Maybe if you understood him, you would finally leave me alone with my grief.

« **You're wrong. This is who I've always been. And I let you and Octavia and Kane convince me that we could trust these people when they have shown over and over who they are and I won't let anyone else die for that mistake.** »

Grounders had taken everything from me, and worst of all, the person I cared about most after my sister had apparently become very close to their leader, far too close. Yes, I was jealous and angry at your lack of loyalty to our people, to me. Did you realize the state you had put me in?

« **Bellamy, I need you.** »You blow me the begging look full of emotion.« **And we don't have much time.** » I didn't let you finish. The emotion I found in your eyes had poured into mine, I was on the verge of giving in and I wanted to fight this at all costs ... I had to get my rage back, I didn't have to show you how much influence you had on me, on my emotions...

« **You need me?** »

« **Yes, I do. I need the guy who wouldn't let me pull that lever in Mt. Weather by myself.** » You were letting your emotions overwhelm you and I noticed it right away. So you were sincere.

« **You left me. You left everyone.** » The tears were threatening to come out and I didn't want to, I couldn't let you see how much you were influencing my emotions...you had abandoned me a few months before, but I wasn't really mad at you for that. I was mad at you for leaving me at Polis, for staying with them, with Lexa. She tricked you and you believed her! The Clarke I cared about would never have been fooled. Didn't you see that if she could get you on her side, she could control everything! She probably liked you, we could only like you anyway, but to say that she loved you as I love you, sincerely, without any political goal... Sorry, but I always doubted it. I didn't like the person you were becoming by her side, she was not good for you. I didn't think I was either, but at least I always acted in your best interest.

« **Bellamy..** » JI won't let you justify and fool me once again. The words poured like poison into the mouth of a snake.

« **Enough, Clarke! You are not in charge here and that's a good thing because people die when you're in charge. And you were willing to let a bomb drop on my sister. Then you made a deal with Lexa who left us in Mt. Weather to die and forced us to kill everyone who helped us. People who trusted me.** »

To tell you that I didn't mean a word I said to you would be lying...but it wasn't you I was really mad at. You had made mistakes, but hadn't I? I never would have blamed you if I hadn't let my anger and pain get the better of me. I'm sorry about that. I never wanted to be the one to make you feel guilty. And I realized that the second I saw the tears in your eyes. I wanted to make you suffer as much as you made me suffer... And I did. I was already blaming myself, I hated it, but once again I couldn't turn back. It killed me. I wanted to throw myself at your feet and ask your forgiveness, tell you that I was an idiot, that I didn't mean a word of it, ask you to erase everything and start all over again from the beginning. I would have wanted to run away from all this with you. But I didn't.

« **I…** »

You couldn't speak and I couldn't look at you. I turned my back and went to the back of the room.

You sat down, apparently at the end of your seat.

« **I'm sorry.** » You blew, sincerely. I turned around halfway, I saw you so distraught that it broke my heart once again. These simple words finally succeeded in breaking this shell that I held so dear. I tried to hold back my tears as best I could. I would have liked so much to erase these last few months, that it would be like it was before, better than before even between us. The truth is that you came for me, but it was me who needed you. I needed you to save me from myself. Only you have always been able to do that.

« **I'm sorry for leaving. I knew I could because they had you.** » As you pronounced these words that directly impacted the few fragments that remained of my heart, your eyes found mine and clinging to them without letting me unravel...You cracked first, lowered your head, and I knew that tears flooded your pretty face...Tears that I had shed. One more mistake. I didn't know what to do. I felt so sorry for myself.

I couldn't help but come back to you. It was as if your sloes had a magnetic influence on my body. I wanted to comfort you, I wanted to fix things, I needed to keep you close to me more than anything. The war outside could wait. The important thing was that you were there and that you stayed there. I crouched down and put my hand on your arms, you grabbed mine back, tenderly. My anger had evaporated as quickly as it had arrived, at your touch. You raised your face to meet mine and you smiled at me... visibly relieved by this gesture full of gentleness ... Yet it was nothing compared to what I wanted to bring you. No matter the color of the sky above our heads, the blue of your eyes and the softness of your heart would always remind me that the bond between us was stronger than anything else. I didn't want to risk losing you. I was so afraid that if I let you go, you would evaporate like an old memory...

For a moment, I had the feeling that the tension between us had eased somewhat, and that it was being replaced by discomfort that was radiating from your cheeks.

« **I know we can fix this.** »I wondered if you were talking about the war or about us. However and in spite of everything, I could not let my feelings decide Arkadia's fate, not this time. And to be honest, there was no way you were going back to her. I wanted you to stay here, at all costs, even if you had to hate me.

« **I'm sorry, too.** »I had made up my mind the moment I saw you in this room. I knew that this time I wouldn't let you go away from me.

I didn't return your pretty begging smile...instead, I put the handcuffs on your wrist that I held so delicately a few seconds earlier, and hung it on the table.

« **Hey! No, don't know. Bellamy, don't - God.** » I left without turning around so I wouldn't change my mind... I hated to make you suffer, but I had to...I needed you to stay close to me... I am so sorry. I was still an idiot. I'm no good at anything when you're not around. I didn't think until after Pike could put you to death...

I went to get a guard so I wouldn't be alone with you. I explained to you as best I could that I was doing this for your own good. It was not true, I was only acting for myself on this one. Luckily (well, that was not the word I would have used at the time) Octavia blocked the way and helped you escape. You hit me with an electric machete to free yourself... I had been looking for it, but this pain was nothing compared to losing you again, I knew that when I woke up you would be gone, and that's what hurt me the most.


	23. YOU’RE DEAD TO ME

After you left, I got deeper and deeper into the darkness and chaos that Pike was creating. Monty was at my side, he followed his mother even though I could see he didn't totally agree. We had even tried to destroy a whole grounder village, but Octavia had warned them and that's where we had lost Monroe.

Pike tried to make me understand that Octavia was a threat and that I should look for the traitors who were among us. That's when I really began to wake up and understand that he had no limits to impose his law. However, when we had a chance to deliver him to the grounders, I preferred to kill the 2 grounders and defend him. To be totally honest with me, I didn't care about anything. You were gone again. Octavia was gone too. I had nothing left to hold on to. I might as well act like an idiot until the end.

I didn't back down either when Pike decided to set a trap to find the traitors within Arkadia... even if I had my own idea about their identity and that they were all my friends. So that's how I ended up having Sinclair imprisoned. I still had a little regret when I understood that Pike and Anna wouldn't hesitate to kill him if they thought it was necessary. I pointed out to them that we weren't on the ark anymore... as you pointed out to me when I wanted to kill Murphy.

Kane tried to bring me to reason for the umpteenth time and I must admit that his speech was convincing. On the Ark, I never thought I would end up enjoying it so much. To tell the truth, I had only come across him once or twice and he seemed to me to be detestable. But since our arrival, he seemed to have confidence in me. Now I can finally say that Kane is the father figure I never had. I wish I had a father like him. Kane was fair and loyal, he acted for his people...yet on that day I turned my back on him and stuck to my bullshit.

When Kane, Sinclair, and Lincoln managed to create a diversion to deliver PIke, I managed to stop them... I think that was one of my biggest mistakes. Kane was imprisoned. Pike decided to execute him and Lincoln...it couldn't have gone that far. I can't believe it took that long to make me realize that. Pike was ready to kill our people. Pike turned my brain around so that I would be in his camp and I didn't see it coming, because, for a few days, he had given me what I needed: an aim, rage, vengeance. I had to stop all this now, I had to wake up.

Luckily I was not completely alone, Monty also had remorse. So the two of us decided not to warn them about Miller and Harper. Then, when I accompanied Pike in front of the cell, the latter warned the grounders that they were all condemned. Lincoln stood up and explained that they had only gotten out, that they were not responsible. I then realized that Lincoln was doing what Pike was incapable of: sacrificing himself to save his people.

Pike pronounced the sentence: Lincoln, Kane, and Sinclair would die at dawn. This time I had to make a decision, and act quickly. Monty and I had tried to convince Harper and Miller that we wanted to help them, but they obviously didn't trust us anymore. So I simply asked them to set up a meeting with Octavia.

An hour later, I met Octavia at the shuttle. Instead of the discussion I was waiting to find a solution, she did not hesitate to put me to sleep and to capture me... Reflection made, she did well, even if this time I was really on her side.

I woke up in a cave with Indra, Octavia had gone to get Lincoln, Sinclair, and Kane. Indra refused to let me go help her...Octavia had no chance against the Pike guard. I prayed that she would have help from the inside and that their plan would work.

Indra then abandoned me after hearing the death of Lexa. I was worried about my sister and yet I couldn't stop thinking about you. If Lexa had died, you might not have been safe anymore, you might have been dead already... I did my best to put that out of my mind and focus on Octavia. Each problem in its own time. I waited for what seemed like hours...every minute that passed plunged me more and more into deep anxiety.

Suddenly I saw them... Harper and Miller were the first to cross the cave entrance, dark face, gloomy eyes. Were they angry with me? Surely they did. But something was wrong...something was going wrong. Then it was Bryan and Sinclair's turn. They all looked deeply devastated...There was a loss, I was sure. Where was Octavia, Kane, and Lincoln?

Kane came in, I think he was the only one who really looked at me, even though his gaze reflected all my shame and guilt. Finally, I saw Octavia ... looking down, down more than the others, distraught, the shadow of herself. She didn't even glance at me. It was obviously the last one, Lincoln was not there. I looked at Kane again to decipher her gaze. Disappointment, sorrow? I looked at the entrance. Still no Lincoln...

« **Where's Lincoln?** »

It was Octavia who answered me, always with her back turned, her voice hoarse with grief...

« **Pike put a bullet in his brain.**. »

It was my fault. I wanted to be that innocent little boy again who just had to think about taking care of his little sister, away from violence and death. « **O... O, I'm so sorry.** »

She turned around and hit me in the face with all her rage. I looked at her, sorry, but it was too late, there was nothing I could do now. My actions and choices had led to the death of the man my sister loved more than anything, more than me... I had lost her...

She hit me a second time. I didn’t move.

« **Octavia, that's enough.** » Kane tries to moderate her.

« **Kane, stay out of this.** » I told her... I deserved it. I would have hit myself if I could have. And Octavia needed to let off steam. I understood that. So I would be her punching-ball.

Octavia gave me a monumental beating... And I let her do it.

After a while, Miller tried to calm her down.

« **Miller, let her go.** » I intervened again.

She gave me 2 last powerful blows... But the words she said afterward hurt me even more than all those blows:

« **You're dead to me.** » 

I didn't know what to answer her. These words made me feel like I had been stabbed in the heart... My sister... I had lived so long thinking only about her, her happiness, her well-being...and I had ruined everything. My life had always revolved around her and only her before I met you. Those few words cracked a new piece of my heart...There would soon be none left, I was sure of it. Each piece was gradually being forcibly ripped from my chest. I couldn't take it anymore. I was s


	24. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER

I was still tied up in the cave and I listened to them trying to find a solution to capture Pike and deliver him in order to end the blockade. Monty tried to reach us by radio, I tried to help them, but nobody seemed to trust me... Nobody except Kane maybe. Monty had escaped, Pike had discovered that he had helped the escape. But it could have been a trap...it probably was, although I didn't think Monty knew that.

Octavia decided to take me with them...to be used as a hostage... So my sister really didn't have any interest in me anymore. And Kane seemed to agree with her point of view. Only Miller tried to defend me, but of course, the others didn't listen to him... And anyway I wanted to be with them. I wanted to do everything I could to have the slightest chance that my sister would ever forgive me. Even if it meant sacrificing myself. They were right, it was a trap, but Monty didn't know anything about it. Pike was holding him hostage. Octavia was holding me. Pike was going to shoot her. So I decided to try one last move by turning against them, making Pike believe I was on his side. To prove to Pike that I was with him, I had to reveal that the others had stayed in the cave. But I had a plan. Octavia's anger towards me grew stronger and they had to electrify her to calm her down... I did my best not to tremble at the sight of her suffering. I had to be quick. I took them straight to the natives...Praying that my plan would work.

Luckily for me, it worked. We managed to deliver Pike to the grounders. Kane decided to go with them to meet the new commander. He asked Monty to warn Abby that he would be looking for you. I had a little lump in my stomach when he said your name, but my desire to find you more than anything else was gone. You had abandoned me, twice, I couldn't force you to come back... Only my sister's forgiveness should matter to me now. Before leaving, he asked me if I had done this for my sister or because it was the right thing to do.

I simply answered him: « **You're welcome.** »

He caught me by the arm and advised me: « **It matters. Until you see that, you'll still be lost.** »

Kane left, leaving me with my demons... I walked towards Monty who was pensive...

« **My mom turned me in.** »

« **You're family. You'll work it out.** » I tried to reassure him and myself at the same time... Octavia finished off the last surviving guard of the Ark and looked at me with a look full of hatred: « **Jus Drein Jus Daun** »As if to confirm that what I had just said to Monty was nothing but wind.

Back at the cave, we got a call from Jasper trying to explain some really crazy things about a chip that could control people ... He had to join us... We were waiting for him. But Octavia couldn't stand still and wanted to go back to Arkadia, to burn Lincoln's body as the grounders do. I tried to reason with her, to prove to her that I was on her side, but she told me that the only thing that could be done would be to bring Lincoln back to her... I couldn't do that.

She said:

« **Turning Pike in does not make you one of the good guys, Bellamy! You did that to save me. Not because what you thought what Pike was doing to the grounders was wrong.** »

« **The grounders were starving us out.** »

« **Because you massacred an army that was sent to protect us.** »

« **That army could've attacked us at any time and you know it.** »

« **But they didn't attack, you did that. You were hurting and you lashed out because that's what you do. There are consequences Bell, people get hurt. People die. Your people. Monroe's dead. Lincoln is dead.** » She left me there with my remorse. She probably didn't want us to see her fall apart... And this time, I couldn't find any excuses. My sister was absolutely right. She had understood everything.

If we could go back and change just one thing in our lives, it might change our future, but not necessarily the thing we would want to see changed. You can only regret decisions made with full knowledge of their consequences.

I still tried to follow her so as not to let her deliver to herself. We didn't know what we were going to find there. That's when you arrived. You were with Jasper. I wasn't expecting to see you. You seemed surprised too. I don't know if finding you there reassured me or rekindled my anger. One thing was for sure: you had just flashed in my eyes and rekindled that part of me that I thought was lost.

We all went into the cave to hide Raven before she woke up, just like Jasper asked us to. We didn't say a word to each other, but you called Octavia back to help us. Obviously, she seemed to listen to you more than me. So I carry Raven into the cave, you were right behind me.

« **Clear some space.** » You asked. I put her on the floor.

« **What the hell happened to her?** » Sinclair asked.

« **I told you on the radio. Raven is not Raven anymore. None of them are. Jaha's been chipping everyone.** »

« **Jasper's right. I've seen it with my own eyes.** » He didn't let you finish.

« **I don't need your help, alright!** » He said wickedly as he walked towards you.

I had the reflex to hold him back... Even though I was angry with you myself, I couldn't stand it when you were attacked.

« **Just take it easy and explain.** »

« **Jaha is using the chips to control everyone. You swallow it and it changes you. You forget who you are, and then you see this thing, ALIE. Only, she's not really there. She made Raven slit her own wrists. She was trying to get it out of her head. I was trying to help her but…** »

« **Ok, so let's help her now. Did she say how?** » Sinclair stepped in.

« **She was working on building something. She needed one of our old wristbands but Jaha destroyed all of them.** »

« **Wait a second. Does it look like this?** » You take out a small pocket box with a chip inside.

« **Not exactly.** »

Raven suddenly woke up and tried to escape. We were able to hold her off before she found the exact spot where we were. We managed to put her to sleep with a tranquilizer syringe.

« **We have to go.** » You commanded.

« **Why? ALIE doesn't know where we are.** »I answered you.

« **Because I know where we can get a wristband.** »

You lead us to the barter store where we came when we were looking for you.

Niylah came out and stood at her door, sword in hand.

« **I'll talk to her.** » You announced.

« **I'll come with you.** » I added.

Octavia also came out: « **I thought you said she was a friend.** »

« **We'll handle it. Just stay here.** »

The two of us were advancing towards Niylah. « **Les Skaikru ne sont pas bienvenus ici,** **Wanheda** »

« **Niylah, what's wrong?** »

We had no more time. Raven began to wake up and the others came out to take her inside.

You added: « **Is your father here?** »

« **My father is dead. Part of an army killed by your people while trying to protect you.** » I wondered if I was the one who had killed him...and the remorse grew stronger and stronger.

« **Niylah, please.** »

« **I said no.** »

« **We don't have time for this. Move!** » I said to her, threatening her with my gun. « **Move! Get her in there!** ». We didn't have a choice, did we? And I suspected that I wouldn't have had to shoot. Niylah didn't seem hostile towards you.

We took Raven to the back of the store, to Niylah's room so that Monty's mother wouldn't recognize the place as she had been there with us before. You seemed to know the place a little too well...you try to tie Raven to the bed, but she was struggling with all her strength. I stayed close to Niylah so she wouldn't move. I didn't dare talk to her. I could hear Raven screaming and struggling, as if it wasn't her anymore. You came out of the room with Monty and Sinclair...

« **How the hell do we get that thing out of her head?** »

« **Working on it.** » Monty answered you.

You approached me and pointed to Niylah...

« **I got this.** »

I waited for a little and then decided to trust you...

« **I'll be right here.** » I took a few steps to leave her alone with you, but stay close enough in case you need to. I couldn't hear what you were saying to her and I didn't like it so I quietly moved closer...

« **Trust you? After what Skaikru did?** »

« **That wasn't us.** » You were lying, you could have told him that I was one of those who had participated in the massacre, you didn't do it. » **I'm sorry about your father. We all are.** » Did you turn around and look me straight in the eye... I can't hold your gaze.

You managed to convince her to help us. She left to get the bracelet. You turned to me...

« **You okay?** » You asked me. After all the awful things I'd said to you and done to you, you still took the time to find out if I was okay. You seemed worried about me. I felt lost in all that... I would go from hopeful moments where I thought you weren't just a friend, to moments where I thought it was my feelings that were blinding me...I knew I couldn't stay mad for long. I was forcing myself to be cold and distant, but I just couldn't help it.

Monty and Sinclair were trying to explain their plan to us. In spite of the cold between us, we couldn't help looking at each other, we understood each other without talking.

Octavia proposed to Monty to accompany him to the dropship. I was going to try to warn her of the danger, but she stopped me dead in my tracks and left. You turned to me and looked at me with great concern... I needed you. Your one glance was enough to reassure me and calm me down. I couldn't stay angry with you even if I wanted to with all my strength. I couldn't hold on to you any longer, I couldn't bear it if you abandoned me once again. And yet, it was as if gravity was leading me inexorably towards you. It always does. Even the apocalypse couldn't keep us apart...so it wasn't this fight that was going to end our relationship, however friendly and platonic it may have been...

Jasper screamed... Raven had dislocated her shoulder trying to free herself. She had opened her wounds. They tried to control her as best they could. Then, instead of addressing Raven, Jasper addressed ALIE, which seemed to work:

« **I'll let her go when you give me what I want. The technology that Clarke carries, it belongs to me.** »

« **No way.** »You answered her...

« **Clarke just give it to her. Clarke!** » Jasper implored you

But instead, you told her:

« **If you let Raven die, you'll never get it.** »

It must have worked because Raven stopped struggling and you put her shoulder back in place, without any reaction from her.

« **Clarke. She's never gonna stop trying to get away. We can't let her hurt herself again. Someone has to stay with her.** »

« **I'll be first watch. We'll take turns.** » You answered me.

« **You don't give the orders, Clarke!** » Jasper lost his temper

ALIE took the opportunity to launch you: « **Guess he doesn't forgive you for murdering his girlfriend.** »

« **Jasper, take a break.** » I asked him

And I went out in my turn. I followed Jasper ...

« **You're ok with her coming back after all this time? Taking over?** »

« **She's trying to save Raven.** » It was the only excuse I could give myself to forgive you so easily.

« **Guess she thinks Raven's worth saving. Lucky for her.** » I didn't know what to say to him. I was as much to blame for Maya as you were.

« **Get yourself together, Jasper. You can't let anger get in the way of what we have to do.** »

« **You know, that's funny, coming from you. When you're angry people die. Just ask that girl over there.** » He directed me one last time, showing me Niylah.

He was right. So was Octavia. They both understood how I functioned. I think you knew it too. That must be why you never told me about the massacre again. You knew better than anyone what I was feeling and you probably also knew why I had come to this point.


	25. THE GOOD LITTLE KNIGHT BY HIS QUEEN'S SIDE

I heard you screaming... I went into the room when ALIE had just bitten you. She had obviously pissed you off. I had heard a few bits of conversation, but not all of it... She had put all the dead on your conscience, Finn, Lexa, even your father's... You felt guilty enough and none of it was your fault! On the contrary!

I came looking for you when you started to get enraged. I had to do something about it.ir.

« **You're done ALIE, you hear me? We're gonna fry you!** »She had managed to get you to say what she wanted without you realizing it.

I took you out and started to heal your wound...without saying a word. I gently took care of your damaged arm, the trace of her teeth still stuck in it. You let me do it. You needed me, didn't you? I could feel it, it's like a matter of course. I can't explain how, but I had this feeling that you missed our conversations. Despite the last time we met and all the anger that came out of it, you missed me as much as I missed you.

« **I let her get to me.** »You told me, looking for the comfort of my eyes, still very upset.

« **You don't say. Take a break. I'll let her beat me up for a while.** »

You simply nodded your head, still embarrassed by the tension between us ... I didn't know what else to add, lost between the guilt, the remaining anger, and the need for you.

Jasper joined me in the room, near Raven. The three of us stood there, all three of us silent. I was thinking about the mistakes I had made, about Octavia, who would never forgive me, and about you, who seemed to have forgotten how much I had screwed up, with you, but also with everyone else. I didn't know anymore whether I should be angry with you, or on the contrary, whether I should let my need for you, my love for you, take precedence. I needed your forgiveness just as you had already given it to me. But for that, I had to be able to forgive you first of all, forgive you for abandoning me, for preferring her.

Raven suddenly turned her head and spoke to Jasper:

« **Look at your united front. Tell me, why do you give Bellamy a pass for murdering your girlfriend? What was her name?** » So it was my turn ...and she was going to use Jasper...

« **Don't talk about Maya.** » Jasper said to her sadly.

« **You don't have to listen to this.** » I simply told him.

« **Let's protect Jasper. Jasper is so sensitive. Jasper's lost someone. Everyone cater to his feelings. We've all lost someone. You don't see us falling apart. You don't see us getting wasted, being useless.** »

« **You took a pill to take your pain away. You gave up your memories.** »

« **But then why should we expect anything more? You used to get high off people's medicine. Being a selfish loser was your only move.** »

« **Stop** » Jasper was beginning to lose patience... He had already held out a great deal in view of the horrors she was throwing around. « **That's all we see when we look at you. A coward. A waste of breath. Why do you even bother living? You're weak. Pathetic. You can't save me. You can't even save yourself. And you couldn't even save what's her name.** »

Jasper got up very angry ... She had really crossed the line. « **You know her name!** »

I caught him.

« **Jasper think. It's not Raven talking. And you're giving her what she wants. Go.** » He gave her a murderous look and then left the room.

This time it was really my turn to suffer...

« **Just you and me, huh? Oh come on Bellamy. We've had our fun together. Haven't we? It's ok. We don't have to talk about it. Usually not much to talk about, anyway. But I do have one question. Does it bother you that you don't get any credit for the genocide at Mount Weather? Clarke gets to be the Commander of Death, but you murdered all those people, too, and you're just forgotten. Then again... you didn't get any credit for the Culling on the Ark, either. How many people suffocated when you threw away my radio? At least Clarke was saving her own people. You were just saving your own ass.** » Damn it, she was pressing where it hurt... She was really smart. I tried to stay hard, but I was boiling and melting from the inside. It was really not the time.

She continued: « **Of course, that's nothing... compared to killing your own mom. You just had to take little sister to her first dance, you might as well have just shoved Aurora out the airlock yourself. Do you think she'd be proud of you now? Of the kind of leader you've become?** » She had no right to use my mother... Tears were ready to flow, but I let nothing appear... Swallowing my suffering. I didn't want to give her that pleasure.

How could she know all the things I thought about me, all my guilt... The worst part is that she was telling the truth...

« **Or would she see the truth, like the rest of us do? That you're a follower. Clarke's been back for one day and you're already taking orders.** » Here again she had a point... I was really hoping you wouldn't hear. « **A good little knight, by his queen's side. Too bad you were never that devoted to Gina.** » This is where I react... I had managed to keep quiet despite everything she had told me before, but it was when she started talking about you, when she started pointing out the fact that I cared more about you than Gina, that I spoke up...I knew she was right and nothing pisses me off more than the truth being brought to my face. The truth that we so desperately try to hide and bury deep inside ourselves.

« **You don't know what you're talking about.** » I said to her. But apparently, she did.

« **Don't worry. Gina was already dead when Mount Weather blew up. And you avenged her, right? I mean you picked up a gun and slaughtered an army that was sent to protect us. That had nothing to do with blowing sweet Gina to bits. But, hey, a Grounder's a Grounder, right?** »

What I feared was real: you heard everything! Did she do it on purpose? Niylah entered the room in an understandable fury... I had killed his father. She hit me. You tried to stop her and explained to her that she shouldn't be there. But it was too late. As Jasper pointed out, Raven had already seen her, she knew where we were.

I came out in a rage...banging into everything I could find... It was me I wanted to bump into. I hurt my hand... Niylah came out behind me

« **Feel better?** »she said to me ironically.

« **All I wanted was to protect my people.** »

« **By destroying mine.** »

« **I'm sorry.** » I said to her sincerely, on the verge of tears that were only asking to come out.

« **People like you always are.** »

Octavia and Monty came back at that moment, Monty was different...

I asked Octavia what had happened, she explained that he had had to kill his mother to protect her.

We all went back into the room to try to burn Raven's chip. ALIE had to understand this because Raven started to struggle and bump her head. She wanted to kill herself.

We tried to hold her as best we could, but her strength was superhuman. You suddenly took the chip out of your pocket and asked her to stop, and you would give it to her. She didn't believe you.

She was still struggling, but we managed to trigger the EMP, unfortunately, there wasn't enough power. We would need the battery from the Rover. I went with Monty looking for it, a drone was already outside, I hurried to shoot it. With the Rover's battery, the pulse worked, Raven was unconscious, but she was breathing. You still couldn't wake her up.

Jasper was pacing around the room... He suddenly grabbed your box and the chip, the flame.

« **What are you doing?** » You asked very worriedly. He was going to destroy it, but you will run to him.

« **No, you can't! No, give it back!** »

« **ALIE did that to Raven she's never gonna get this!** »

« **Stop! It's Lexa!** » You were half crying, giving the feeling that this little piece of technology was more precious to you than anything else, and you added « **Part of her is still in there. I saw them cut it out of her head, I'm not...** » And you stopped to think... I understood in your way of being what I had feared several days earlier: Something had happened between you and Lexa, maybe you were even beginning to be in love with her before she died. Maybe she deserved you a little more than I did after all...no, I would never have betrayed you, I would never have let you carry this burden alone! I would have chosen you, before my people... One more revelation that proved to me that what I felt, what I feel for you, was much stronger than I thought. « **What is it?** » I asked you.

« **Both the AIs were made by the same person. Both tap into human consciousness. They must work similarly, right?** » You asked Sinclair and Monty.

« **There's probably only one pathway to conciousness, so it's possible, yeah.** »

« **What does this have to do with anything?** » Octavia asked.

« **I've seen an AI get removed before. Help me get her on her side!** »

We obeyed, except Jasper.

« **Get that med kit from my bag!** » You asked him. He didn't move, so Monty went. You took out a scalpel and pointed it at the nape of Raven's neck, which worried Sinclair, but you reassured him. We were all watching you, worried and doubtful... But I had no doubts about your skills. You knew what you were doing. If anyone could save her, it was you.

You opened her neck, but apart from blood, nothing came out...

« **This has to work.** » You're blowing your mind

And a strange substance ends up coming out. « **What is that?** » I asked.

« **It must be whatever's left of the chip.** » Sinclair advised

And Raven regained consciousness and seemed to suffer...

« **Never thought I'd be so happy to see someone in pain.** » Octavia said.

This made everyone smile.

You put yourself backward, pensive... Jasper came to see you, pensive too. You both seemed so upset...

« **I couldn't do what you did.** »He admitted almost reluctantly. He gave you back the flame...

Monty suddenly seemed devastated ... « **I could have saved my mom.** »

Jasper tried to comfort him, but Monty sent him away and quickly walked out of the room in front of us.

I took the floor: « **ALIE knows we're here. We gotta move.** »

Everyone came out, only you were left inside. The others loaded the car and took care of Raven. I waited for you at the door of the store, ready to fire if anything happened, and need to come to my senses. You finally came out and walked towards me without a word. You tenderly grasped my wounded hand and wrapped it in a cloth... « **You'll recover.** » It wasn't a question, and the tone of your voice led me to believe that you would be by my side. That's what we always have for each other in the end: to support each other no matter what happens.

I knew you weren't talking about the injury... « **Will I?** »

We lost sight of each other and I realized it was just what I needed. I really needed you to help me get over it. I felt like you were the only one who understood me, and in the end I did. I understood then that my fury was gone, I didn't necessarily want to, but I couldn't blame you. Jasper and Raven were right... « **What do you do when you realize... you might not be the good guy?** » I gazed more deeply into yours and begged you not to let go... I wanted to read your soul...to know what you thought of me. I saw no reproach in your eyes, only compassion and understanding. You put them down for a moment to think and then you said to me: « **Maybe there are no good guys.** »

We were still staring at each other as if our minds could connect and repair each other's wounds...that moment was cut short by the retreating car. We had to leave.

Everyone got in the car and helped Raven ... You approached her, I followed you, my eyes still fixed on you as if I was afraid that you would disappear again if I let go of my gaze.

« **Hey. There's one thing I don't understand. Why did ALIE want you to kill yourself?** »

« **Because I know why she wants the second AI.** »

« **Why?** »

« **It's the only thing that can stop her.** »

Octavia took the floor: « **Then let's stop her.** » We all watched her ... « **We survive together** ».

We all looked at each other and then got into the car. The others put themselves at the back, leaving us both in front. We did not say a single word to each other, simply throwing small glances at each other that said a lot. I would catch you looking at me out of the corner of your eye the way I've been looking at you for so long. We were together, I was ready to face anything by your side.


	26. YOU'RE OUTTA YOUR MIND IF YOU THINK I'M LETTING YOU DO THIS ALONE.

Raven explained what she knew and looked at the notebook you gave her about the flame. You had agreed that we needed to find Luna, the only NightBlood that could help us, we needed Lincoln's map to find her.

We were coming close to the Ark. Miller and Harper didn't answer. It was a bad sign, as Jasper pointed out. We walked through the front door with no problem. There was no one there. It looked like a ghost town.

We all walked carefully, watching for the slightest suspicious movement. We were walking slowly through the camp when I saw a huge bloodstain on the ground. Octavia was shivering, it was where Pike had shot Lincoln. She wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. She went to get Lincoln's book from their room next to Jasper after we went inside. It looked like they all had to leave in a hurry, leaving their unfinished meal on their plates. They probably wouldn't come back. Raven quickly realized that they had gone to Polis to convert as many people as they could. They had to retrieve the notebook, load the weapons, and leave as quickly as possible.

I went to the armory and warned you via the walkie-talkie that you had to join me quickly. We had been lucky, they had left everything there, all the weapons.

I waited for several minutes, but nobody arrived. I went out in front of the armory, watching the surroundings at the same time. Suddenly I heard you coughing and I saw you running out towards me. Something had happened.

« **Bellamy...** » You didn't seem to have any strength left. I walked towards you and held you in my arms without thinking. You let yourself go and let me support you, naturally, barely able to breathe, and I immediately felt relieved to have you with me, but still terribly worried.

« **Clarke! What is it? What's going on?** »

« **Emmerson** » You answered me, still clinging to me as if your life depended on it.

We would wait a few minutes for you to catch your breath and regain strength and then we would enter the Ark to warn and protect our friends if they were still alive.

« **Where's Monty?** »

« **Emerson took him. Why?** » You didn't understand.

I immediately thought of Octavia whom I was trying to reach on the radio: « **Octavia, can you hear me? Come in.** »

« **Jasper was with her.** »

I switched stations:« **Jasper, are you there? Say something.** »

You seem to realize something: « **Miller.. Harper.. Bryan... this is all my fault. I let Emerson live.** »

« **What are you talking about?** » You raised your lovely face full of remorse towards me and explained to me full of regrets: « **In Polis. I had a chance to kill him, I let him go.** ». You wanted to do better, it wasn't your fault...

We could hear Raven on the radio: « **Bellamy, what's wrong?** »

I asked her where she was and she told me that she and Sinclair were still in engineering and that they were doing well. You picked up the walkie-talkie and told her about Emerson. You asked her to barricade herself in. But it was too late. He was already there. We ran to the door, but we knew right away that something was wrong. We tried the second door. Raven had time to get in the Rover and open the main door, but Sinclair was badly injured and dying. She wanted to help him, but that's how he was able to capture her. So we came in a little late and found Sinclair...dead.

« **We're too late.** » I noted sadly.

« **No we're not. He didn't kill Monty or Raven. He would've left their bodies. He took them somewhere.** »

« **If you're right, Octavia and the others are there, too**. »

« **Where would he be taking them?** »

« **Could be anywhere, does he even know his way around?** »

« **He was here. You were in Mount Weather. The airlock.** »

You took the walkie-talkie: « **Emerson, I know you're listening. We need to talk.** »

You were right, he replied: « **I don't need to do anything. You should've killed me when you had the chance.** »

« **And now you're here to kill me, is that it?** »

« **Something like that.** »

« **Then let my friends go. Do that and you can have me.** » What? Had you lost your mind? You were going to put yourself in danger and on top of that you hoped I wouldn't do anything? You knew it was a lost cause, didn't you? I'm stubborn and even more so when it comes to your protection!

« **You're brave, Clarke, I'll give you that. They're lucky to have a friend like you.** »

No way you would sacrifice yourself, we would find another solution, even if my sister was there, I couldn't let you surrender.

« **Clarke** » I begged you. I knew I couldn't stop you, but I hated the idea.

Emmerson took over: « **Come to the airlock. No weapons. Right now.** » You turned around and began to walk to the airlock, but I held you back: « **What the hell are you doing?** »

« **Saving them. Look, when it's over, take this to Luna. Raven will know what to do with it. Promise me.** » You were really going to sacrifice yourself, you had no other plan. And you were crazy enough to think for one second that I would let you die?

« **No** » Did you really think I was going to let you die? I couldn't, I didn't want to. Knowing you away from me had already devastated me. What if I lived in a world where you no longer existed? It was inconceivable. I looked you in the eye and said to you with a more than determined look: « **You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you do this alone.** »

« **Bellamy, this is my fault. I'm not letting anyone else die for my mistake, okay? So take it.** »

« **Are you through?** » I had to convince you, leave you no choice. « **I don't know what happened between you and Emerson in Polis. But I do know that letting him kill you here today is a stupid plan.** »

« **You got a better one?** »

« **You distract him. I shoot him.** » Basic, but efficient.

You think for a few seconds, then nodded, I smiled slightly, happy to have convinced you, and I went straight to the airlock before you changed your mind.

I stayed hidden while you moved forward, Octavia and all our friends were tied up in the Airlock. He was standing in front of Octavia.

« **I held out my part of the deal. Your turn. Let my friends go.** »

« **Tell Bellamy to show himself first.** »

« **I don't know what you're talking about.** » ... He struck Octavia. That was enough to get me out.

« **No** »

He placed his knife in front of Octavia's throat. You turned to me and motioned to me not to go... But he had my sister. He asked me to disarm myself and come inside.

Octavia nodded. You tried to reason with him:

« **Please you wanted me. I'll get inside once you let them go.** »

« **I was talking to Bellamy.** » He nicked my sister slightly, enough for the blood to flow.

« **Okay, okay! Just stop!**. »

« **Bellamy, don't do this.** » You implored me.

I looked at you one last time before entering. He asked me to tie me up, and when I did, he released O.

« **Get on your knees, Clarke.** » He pointed his rifle at you. « **Put your hands behind you head.** ».You did everything he asked you to do. We all watched you, panicked. Octavia was trying to fight back. I was paralyzed. Emmerson got out of the airlock and closed it. I understood, so did you.

« **No, you can do anything you want with me. Just let them go!** »

He grabbed you violently and slammed you against the airlock door and strangled you. I was helpless, more than ever. « **You murdered 381 people. You took the lives of my children, my brother, my friends. Did you really think that I would be happy with just one life in return, hmm?** »

He moved back and pressed the airlock decompression button. He emptied the oxygen. We were going to die.

« **I want you to feel what I felt like. Beg me to stop it! I told you to beg!** »

« **I beg you**.» You cried. I know that you would have preferred him to kill you rather than have to watch us die.

« **Louder!** »

« **Please!** »You begged him one last time.

We were going to die, I wasn't struggling... I took one last look at my sister.

« **Aaron wouldn't want you to do this.**. »

« **You don't say his name!** »He shouted at you.

You took the opportunity to headbutt him, but he caught up with you before you could open the airlock. That's when I lost consciousness... At least I won't see you die... I regained consciousness when I heard you breathing behind me and Emmerson was suffocating. You were alive, you had saved us. Again.

Once we were sure everyone was okay. We loaded the Rover with every available weapon.

I went to pick up Lincoln's body. Octavia collapsed at the sight of him... I wanted to put a hand on her shoulder, but I changed my mind, knowing that she would not appreciate it. She kissed him and looked at me... I couldn't make out the look in her eyes, but I knew that I was responsible for her pain and it was unbearable. We had almost died a few minutes earlier, but my sister hadn't forgiven me for that. I was relieved that I still had some time left to take a chance to prove to her that I was worthy of her forgiveness.

We set up a sort of pyre where we laid Lincoln's body next to Sinclair's. I was relieved that I still had some time to take my chance to prove to her that I was worthy of her forgiveness. Raven and Octavia were the closest. I would instinctively stand next to you.

« **May we meet again** »

**« Yu gonplei ste odon** ». We were all repeating it. Me, later and more gently than the others.

We lit the fire. I plunged my gaze inside hoping to burn my regrets with it, but it was much worse. All the pain, the guilt was rekindled along with these flames. I felt her gaze on me. She had not forgiven me. How could she? Would I have forgiven her so easily if you were the one on that pyre? If the roles were reversed? Probably not.

« **It's time to go! I'll get the map.** » She said as she walked away in a determined way. She was exceptionally strong! Or was pretending to be... But I admired her so much. How did she do it? I would have liked to be able to console her, I was the only one who surely could, but I was also the only one she couldn't stand anymore. I was responsible.

We went inside to complete the loading. You were holding the flame in your hands...you looked so sad. I wanted to tell you something, but I couldn't find my words so I didn't say anything. Raven and Monty wanted to stay and try to figure out a plan by looking up ALIE's code on the ark's computer. Miller, Bryan and Harper would stay with them. That's how we hit the road.


	27. WE NEED EACH OTHER

You were fiddling with Lexa's chip and staring at it in a strange way. I kept thinking that something really happened between you during your stay at Polis. The way you reacted when Jasper tried to break her, and all those little things that proved that you really cared about her... Of course, I felt jealous, but seeing you so sad made me sad too. I had lost Gina several weeks earlier, I could understand. And then I didn't want to get into the jealousy, anger game again...I had paid a high price for it last time.

Jasper began to find the time long and to think that we would never make it, we actually had no marker of time or distance on the map. He also wondered if Luna would really want to help us. Every time we asked, we looked at each other without adding anything. Our looks were enough to make us understand each other. We continued on our way when we arrived at a place blocked by a tree. Octavia did not hesitate one second to get out of the vehicle despite my protests. You did the same and followed her towards a water noise. No matter how much I yelled at you... neither of you was listening to me! Why did the 2 people I cared about most in the world have to be so stubborn? So I had to follow you. We followed the river and we finally arrived at the place drawn on the map. But there was only water as far as the eye could see, no village.

We were at our wit's end, we had no other solution. Octavia stood by the water's edge and screamed with all her might.

We decided to wait until the next morning. There had to be something we hadn't seen. Octavia set up a campfire for the night and to get herself noticed. We would hit the road again the next morning following the shore in both directions. I wanted to check Lincoln's notebook again, but Octavia violently prevented me from doing so.

« **Don't touch that!** »

I looked at you instinctively, you seemed embarrassed, compassionate ... I crouched next to my sister and you went next to Jasper, probably to give us more privacy.

« **Come on, O. How long?** »

« **I don't know. I can't even look at you.** » She launched me while continuing to take care of the fire, without actually looking at me. She continued while I raised my head, wounded by her words that I understood... « **Because every time I do, I see Pike putting that gun to Lincoln's head. I hear the gunshot. I see him fall.** »

The emotion was getting more and more in me, guilt...but I still tried to remind her of an important detail:

« **I didn't kill Lincoln.** »

That must have made her angry because she stood up and responded very angrily: « **No, but he is dead because of you!** »

« **I came to you. You didn't take my help. If you had just trusted me I’d …** »

I didn't finish my sentence, Octavia didn't seem to care anymore. She had gone back to taking care of the fire, as if my words didn't matter.

I needed to get away. I had to break down... I went a little further away as Jasper threw branches into the fire, which turned the flames green.

I stared at the horizon, this sea I saw for the first time...brooding in my head, trying to find a way to make things right with Octavia, but knowing my sister, I couldn't do anything. I had screwed up, and not halfway. People had died because of me, again... I didn't deserve the attention or sympathy of others...

I heard footsteps coming towards me, I didn't need to check. I knew it was you. I didn't doubt for a second that you would soon follow me. I knew that your presence would calm me down and that made me even angrier. I didn't want you to calm me down, I didn't want to forgive you, I didn't want you... And yet, except for Octavia, there is nothing in the world that I wanted more, that I needed more...You.

« **Let me guess, you came here to fix things. Wanheda, the peacemaker.** » I didn't even look at you, I couldn't even look at you. If I wanted to stay cold and control myself, I shouldn't have to see the look in your eyes, even though I was dying to.

« **I came to see if you were okay.** » Of course, I knew that.

« **Well, I don't need your help.** » ... Of course if I needed it. The only help I needed was actually yours. It made me angry, but I couldn't help it. I looked at you and tried to keep a hard, cold look on my face, I couldn't be convincing enough. My real emotions had to come out, I couldn't pretend with you, I was exhausted from repressing my feelings... You just nodded your head, but didn't move. You stared at the horizon, the immensity of the sea, this floating blue, almost black at this hour, reflecting the light of the moon ... this beauty so pure and real that your eyes had nothing to envy ...

You must have suspected that I didn't really want you to leave, that I just had to wait for my volcanic mood to calm down. Or maybe you wanted to help me despite my protests... You didn't abandon me, that was the important thing. And that's enough to relax me a little. I needed to confide in you, you knew it, and only with you could I... You understood me so well, perfectly. Did you even realize how much these little gestures, these little attentions meant to me? You redefined every facet of my reality.

When I was looking at this beautiful water in front of us, I couldn't help thinking that it was the first time we saw the sea...and that we were together...it would have to be a joyful, magical memory. I would have liked to be able to go there with you on another occasion, to make you discover this beauty and to stay there to marvel at it, even if the calm of the water and the sound of the waves were nothing compared to the feeling of fullness I felt with you.

I looked towards Octavia, always full of emotion that I tried to contain, that I didn't want to hold back anymore, not with you. « **Clarke. I've lost her.** » I looked for the answers in the purity of your eyes, trying not to crack even though I knew I could, that I needed it. You took a few moments to think about it and you told me:

« **Give her time, Bellamy. There may be blood on your hands but it's not Lincoln's.** »

I found it harder and harder to hold back my tears... I answered you: « **Some of it is.** »

« **Maybe. But you didn't want that to happen. You tried to stop it. Octavia will forgive you eventually. The question is, will you forgive yourself?** »

Once again, you were aiming right. Our complicity gave me chills. I bit my lip and looked again at Octavia, who was looking right at us.

« **Forgiveness is hard for us.** » I was talking about Octavia and me, well I wasn't so sure anymore. We had always been like that. And yet, I always found a way to forgive you. I could never stay angry with you. All I loved about me was you, and honestly, I still do. The tears kept coming... You looked at me full of compassion. I missed it so much, that sweet look at me that made me feel so special. I needed you. The simple fact that you were close to me and that you listened to me seemed to solve each of my problems, each of my sorrows. It was as if I breathed better when you were close to me...as if I was complete. I know that I would never have acted like I did, like an idiot, if you hadn't left... I didn't want to blame you, but you had to know, I needed it to come out just like the tears I couldn't hold back anymore...you had to understand that I wasn't functioning normally when you were away from me. You were essential to me.

« **I was so angry at you for leaving. I don't want to feel that way anymore.** » And it was true. I wanted to detach myself from you, I needed to hate you so that I wouldn't hold on to you anymore and be completely lost again... But it was impossible. I wanted you to explain to me why I only felt fulfilled when I felt your presence? I wanted you to find me a reason why my happiness was entirely dedicated to you. Everything always brought me back to you. And most of the time, you never did anything to distract me from it. I even looked for it. As if there was a special gravity between you and me. No matter what happened or the mistakes we made, everything led us to each other. I loved you blindly and without restrictions.

My words must have hurt you, I could feel your eyes filling with emotions, tears that you still contained... You bit your lip (this gesture that you often did make me crunch terribly...). Your lips... I caught myself allowing myself to look at them. I raised my gaze to plant it in his. We looked at each other for a few seconds that seemed like an eternity to me.

« **You know, you're not the only one trying to forgive yourself.** » What did it mean? Were you mad at yourself for leaving? For abandoning me? « **Maybe you'll get that someday.** »

Didn't you realize that I had already forgiven you? The facts were there, I could forgive you anything and you could forgive me anything... But we were unable to forgive ourselves. We needed each other... Another tear fell on my cheek, I tried to wipe it off, but it wasn't necessary because your eyes were fixed on me.

You read inside me, you transmitted my exact thoughts by telling me: « **But we need each other, Bellamy.** »I looked at you again, your gaze troubling me a little more each time. It was more than a need, in fact, it was obvious. You are my half, my whole. « **What we're doing now, the only way we're gonna pull this off is together.** ». I just nodded my head because I couldn't answer you, that's exactly what I thought.If I opened my mouth the next 3 words that came out would change things forever...either we would get closer for good or I would lose you.And I couldn't risk losing you. Not now that I was feeling so lonely. In fact, all I wanted was you, only you, nothing else. I wanted something concrete, real, true, beautiful...

Once again, I could no longer contain my tears. I looked briefly at Octavia and then looked back at yours. Our souls connected with each other in a language that we couldn't decipher...I think the words were no longer necessary. You wrapped your arms around my neck and came to snuggle with me.

Did you know that's exactly what I wanted? What I needed. To feel close to me, against me, with me. You had come back and I had the feeling that you wouldn't leave me this time. I cried again, with relief and comfort. I forgot all my worries during this liberating embrace. This embrace was very different from the very first time you threw yourself into my arms. This time, I was not surprised, I was expecting it, I needed it more than ever and I welcomed this moment as a blessing, with tenderness, trying to enjoy every second.

I clung to you as if my life depended on it, I grabbed your hair to hold you tighter against me and stuck my head against your neck, breathing in your scent that I couldn't live without. We were like that for a few moments and I didn't want to move. I was fine, happy, I forgot about everyone around me, all the obstacles we had to face. It was just you and me. That was all that mattered. I don't know what it meant to you, but for me, he wanted to pass on those famous words that wouldn't come out: I love you.

I didn't just want to love you until the end of my life, I wanted to love you until the beginning. The beginning of each day, each night, the beginning of your smiles, your doubts, your anger, and your habits. So that in the end, only the beginning of us remains, eternally. My love for you didn't get tired. On the contrary, it was reborn and amplified with each new look, each new touch, each tiny touch, each heartbeat.

This is still the case, of course, and perhaps even more so. Understand it, Princess, this love isn't just any love. It knew how to go beyond the universe, space-time... This love, it's epic and it's yours, since you went down the ladder of this damn dropship. That moment, it gave me so much strength afterward... if you only knew.

I heard a noise that still took me out of that magical moment. Natives were in the water. We didn't have time to react as we were already on the ground. They gagged us and led us back to the fire where Octavia and Jasper were also targeted.

They spoke with Octavia, who explained that Lincoln had sent us. They untied us. The man who spoke with Octavia gave the four of us each a small vial. You asked what it was and he told you that this was the way to get through. Octavia didn't hesitate to swallow it despite my protest. « **I trust Lincoln.** » She answered me.

« **If only she drinks, only she goes.** » The grounder added. So Jasper took the vial in his turn. Octavia fainted. The grounder stopped me from moving. Jasper in turn fainted. He looked at us: « **Last chance.** » We looked at each other to seek approval in each other's eyes and then you told me:

« **Together.** » I noddedwithout taking my eyes off you. We swallowed our vial and sat down. You fainted first and I followed, struggling just long enough to look at your pretty face again. If I didn't wake up, I wanted you to be the last thing I would see, the outline of your face would be my last landscape, and even collapsed on the floor, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. An angel, my angel...if only.


	28. AND I TRUST YOU

We woke up, totally unarmed, in a kind of container. Luna came to meet us. Octavia told her about Lincoln's death, which seemed to affect her deeply. You then explained that we needed her to become a commander. She refused. We then got out of the container to hold her and realized that we were on top of a huge metal structure made partly of the container, surrounded by water as far as the eye could see ... It was thus that Luna’s village, Flokru.

Shortly after, we found ourselves in a large room where one of the island's inhabitants was telling a story... Luna entered and we both got up to try to make her change her mind, but she didn't want to know anything. We had to wait for the night and leave. Jasper went to talk to the girl who was telling her story. We had come back around the fire with Octavia.

I looked at Jasper who seemed a little less sad beside this girl and it made me think of you...Everything I saw always brought me back to you somehow.

« **Jasper's actually smiling.** » I said.

You turned your head towards Luna and her boyfriend, embracing each other. You seemed to envy them. I couldn't help thinking for a few seconds that it could have been us, two leaders, together, happy... Maybe you had thought the same thing, which would have explained your look...

« **Clarke, let it go.** »

« **We can't just leave.** »

« **It's not like we have much of a choice.** » Octavia remarked.

« **Maybe we do.** » You answered.

« **What are you talking about?** »I knew that what you were going to say was not necessarily going to please...

« **I'm talking about putting this into her head without asking.** »

« **No way, Clarke!** » Octavia whispered. « **This isn't like Emerson, he was trying to kill us!** »

« **You think I don't know that?** »

« **Clarke, we don't have to do this.** » I knew I did, but I tried to regain my sister's favor and support her point of view. « **We can fight, we can go back to Arkadia. We can arm up.** » You wouldn't let me go on.

« **Fight who? It's an army of our own people. I don't like this any more than you do. But if Raven's right and the code on this thing can stop ALIE...Give me a better idea.** »

Octavia looked at me. I was thinking, but I already had my answer... « **We'll stay here. It's the only way they'll leave you alone with her.** » And I was hoping that you would succeed, you were going to embark on a perilous mission again, you were going to have to go alone. I didn't like it at all, but we really didn't have a choice again. Octavia whispered again: « **Even ALIE gives people a choice.** »

« **We gave Luna a choice. She said no.** » I tried to explain it to him.

I looked at you one last time, you nodded, satisfied to have my approval.

You came back a few dozen minutes later, looking disappointed... You had failed. Luna hadn't let it happen.

We had to leave and come back to the starting point. We thus returned to the level of the container to reach the boat, Jasper had left to say goodbye to his new friend. Grounders arrived from the container which we had to use. At the moment when Luna returned the flame to you, the grounders who had just arrived turned against her and wanted to seize it. They threw you into the container and locked us inside. ALIE was there. There was nothing we could do.

Seconds were like minutes, minutes were like hours... Suddenly they came and opened us up... It was Jasper's new friend, injured, dying... You got right next to her, but it was too late. She had just enough time to tell us where they were before she passed away for good.

We were too late. Luna had managed to fight back, but she had to kill Derrick, the man she loved. I rushed to the child in the room, who was panicked. Luna was screaming, crying. At night, she performed a ceremony in his honor. We were invited.

I came a little closer to you:« **Any one of them could be chipped and we'd never know.** » And it was the case, closer to us than we thought...

« **If they are, they'll make their move before we put the Flame in Luna.** »

« **Stay sharp.** » Octavia warned us.

« **The ceremony is about to begin.** »Luna said us as she handed us glasses.

« **Luna, wait. I'm so sorry. But now you see what we're facing. An enemy that will do anything to win. She won't stop until she has everyone.** »

She took the chip in her hand: « **People I love died today. Needlessly, At my hand. I can't let that happen again.** »

She turned to the congregation, turning her back on us with the chip in her hand. « **As we prepare to give our brothers and sister to the sea, we honor their lives.** » She added in Trigedasleng: « **From water we are born. To water we return.** »

Everyone was repeating and drinking the concoction. We did the same.

She turned to us and you told her:

« **If we're gonna do this, we have to hurry. A.L.I.E. will send reinforcements. And we have to find someplace private to perform the Ascension.** »

She simply answered you: « **You believe that to defeat an enemy who will stop at nothing, you must stop at nothing. How is that different than** **jus drein jus daun ?** »

Octavia spoke, « **Wait a second. Luna. You can't just...** ».. And she faints. Then it was my turn.

I woke up first on the beach, at the same place where we had taken the vials the first time. I got up and waited for you to wake up, watching the surroundings.

Then you woke up with the flame box in your hand. The first thing you did was to check to see if it was intact and there... I then had confirmation that you loved Lexa... Because that was also the first thing I did when I woke up: checking that you were okay and that you were there. I looked at you. I was jealous, with a lump in my stomach. I hadn't really experienced that feeling before, and I was starting to feel it a little too much since I realized how I felt, and I hated it.

You turned to me and I just nodded.

The others woke up and we all stood facing the sea, looking at the horizon.

I said « **Now what?** »And the three of us turned to you instinctively. We were all counting on you. But you didn't know that either... Yet, once again, everything rested on you, everyone complained but everyone always instinctively relied on you. So we went back to the Rover.

You were pacing in front of it ... everything was ready for us to go back.

I thought about it: « **Rover's almost charged. We need to pack up. We'll be home soon.** »

« **Then what? Run away?** »

« **We're not running away, Clarke. We need to regroup with the others and find another way to defeat…** »

« **There is no other way. We need to find a Nightblood. We need to unlock the Flame. It's the only way to stop A.L.I.E.** » You were at your wit's end, a bomb ready to explode under the excessive pressure you were putting on yourself.

« **What do you expect us to do, Clarke? Walk into random villages asking for their Nightbloods?** » Jasper asked ironically.

« **If that's what it takes.** »

« **No, Clarke. If A.L.I.E. can find us on Luna's rig, then she can find us anywhere. I won't help you destroy another innocent Grounder village.** » Octavia responded vigorously.

« **If we don't find a Nightblood, there won't be any Grounder villages. Or a home for us to go back to.** »`

« **That's all the more reason we go there and make sure our friends are okay.** » TI replied.

You sought the compassion of one of us with your gaze, approval ... But we were all against you this time. You nodded and went off into the forest. I knew you needed to break down and that you wouldn't do it in front of everyone. The only times I had seen you break down, it was just the two of us. Like you felt more confident, safe, with me, and that you could let your guard down. You had to know that you could tell me anything, and I would accept that. What you didn't know was that if I accepted it, it was because I loved every part of you, your faults, your qualities, your strengths and your weaknesses. You are my other half, the one who completes me, who understands me as a person, and I like to think that I understand you better than anyone else as well.

Jasper tried to reassure me: « **She'll be fine. Just let her cool off.** »

But I only held on for a few minutes before I followed you to see if you were okay. That's what we were doing for each other, right?

I did right since I found you in the company of Roan, and it didn't seem to be going well.

So I pointed my gun at him:

« **You were saying? Hands where I can see 'em. You okay?** »

« **Yeah** »

« **Then let's go.** »

« **He's coming with us.** » You told me.

« **The hell he is.** »

« **Why would I do that?** » he asked, as surprised as I was by your request.

« **Because we both want the same thing, to put the Flame in Ontari.** »

We both looked at you, surprised, but I quickly understood your reasoning. It was a good idea in itself.

« **How do you know he's not chipped?** »

« I **f he were, do you think he would've saved me?** »

« **Still, we need to be sure.** » And I had a little revenge to take since he stabbed me in the leg so I wouldn't follow you... Then I shot him in the arm, he screamed. And I knocked him out. I got my confirmation. He would have had the chip, he wouldn't have felt anything.

We drove to Arkadia where our friends seemed to have done well while we were away. We explained to them Luna's refusal and why we had taken the king of the ice nation. I was going to put him in a cell.

A few moments later, you went to see him, I stayed by your side, of course. « **Sorry about your arm.** »

« **Makes us even.** »

« **Like it or not, we need each other.** »

« **Cut to the chase, Clarke. You said we wanted the same thing. I want an Ice Nation Commander.** »

« **And I can give you one with this.** » You showed him the box containing the spirit of the commanders.

« **And why would you do that, when you know she's vowed to wipe you out?** »

« **We don't have a choice. This isn't just our war. The enemy we're up against is after everyone. Including the Ice Nation. The only way to stop her is to get the information off the Flame. And the only way to do that is to put it in Ontari's head.** »

« **The Ice Nation isn't afraid.** »

« **You should be. This thing doesn't care what clan you're from. It controls people. And it will take over the Ice Nation, just like it took us over. One person at a time, until there is no one left.** » I answered him.

« **It already has Ontari.** » You added.

« **I'm listening.** »

« **We need to disconnect her before she gets the Flame. Or we'll be giving A.L.I.E. exactly what she wants. To do that, we have to abduct her from the center of a city filled with thousands of people who's minds are linked. All of them thinking as one. Whatever one sees, they all see. Whatever one hears, they all hear.** »

« **I get it. So when do we leave?** » And he stood up. We finally had new hope. So we loaded the Rover and set up the last few things we needed with Raven and Monty. We hit the road with you, me, Bryan, Miller, Roan, and Octavia, after hugging our friends who were staying here.

We stopped a little before arriving at Polis to avoid being spotted. We did not know that the enemy was one step ahead of us. We had to continue on foot and to pass by the tunnel which I had already used at the time of my first coming to Polis and that did not bring back good memories to me. I had lost you a second time that day and many of our people had died.

Roan asked you for the flame, which he would need... You hesitated for a long time and sought my support before giving it to him.

« **Fine. But I'm coming with you.** » What?

I was shaking my head : « **No way. That is not the plan.** »

« **It is now.** » You looked at me and saw that I didn't understand your choice, because you specified by pointing to the box: « **I'm not letting that out of my sight. And I'm the only one who knows the passphrase. So you can tell them that without me, Ontari can't ascend.** »

Roan seemed to approve, which was not my case.

« **You'll need to look like my prisoner.** » No kidding? No way you're helpless too.

« **OK.** »

« **Wait a second. Give us a minute.** ».I intervened between the two of you and asked Roan. I couldn't let you throw yourself into the lion's den so easily. I needed to try and stop you. I couldn't lose you again. He took one look at you and walked away, leaving us both.

« **Come on, Clarke. You're really willing to trust that guy with your life?** »

« **No. But you'll be covering us the entire time. And I trust you.** » I didn't know if you were sincere, but I think you were; or if you knew that telling me that confession would force me to accept it. Of course, you could trust me. I didn't want to lose you, because you were both indispensable and irreplaceable. I would never let you go, never betray you under any circumstances. I would give my life if I had to, but I would do my best not to let anything happen to you. You trusted me. In spite of all my mistakes, you put your life in my hands while you held my heart in yours.


	29. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE TRYING TO SAVE SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT

So I let you go, bound and gagged, with him. You had taken the main entrance while we were in the tunnels. We positioned ourselves, so that we could see you, react and launch the gas from Mount Weather that would put them to sleep. I reminded the others that we shouldn't kill anyone. I was following you with the sight of my gun... my heart beating at a thousand miles an hour. I couldn't hear, but I saw everyone surrounding you and Jaha coming out. Ontari wasn't there. You turned to me to let me know that something was wrong. Then before I had time to rule, Roan put a knife to your throat. I mobilized everyone to start the gas right away, but we were caught off guard. It was a trap. There was nothing more I could do. You were alone again. I had not been able to protect you when you trusted me. I definitely didn't deserve you.

They took us a little further down the tunnel, brought us to our knees and started to put us down. Suddenly one of them told the others: « Let's go. She wants Bellamy. »

Why me? No doubt they had captured you. Maybe you had managed to negotiate to see me. But it didn't make sense, you wouldn't have let the others down either. At least I don't think so. Or maybe it was to torture me, to get information about you, or to torture me in front of you... But why me rather than your mother or Octavia for example? Did ALIE knew something that I didn't? Was I finally as important to you as I had hoped? Strange way of proving it.

Enfin bref. Octavia commença à paniquer: « **Where are you taking him?** »

He hit her.

« **Leave her alone. O., O., it's okay, O. It's okay.** ». As he took me away, I couldn't help but think that his reaction meant that Octavia still cared a little bit about me...maybe hope wasn't lost after all. Then I heard a familiar voice, Murphy:

« **You know, if I were you, I'd hit the deck.** »

« **Murphy? Everyone hit the ground!** » I shouted to the others.

I didn't see much, but shots rang out and our captors were dead.

Murphy was with Indra. And Pike... more and more astonishing.

The reunion wasn't exactly cheerful, and Octavia quickly freaked out when she saw Pike. But she finally managed to keep her self-control. They thought we were going to leave with them, but I warned them that we wouldn't leave, well, I won't leave. I explained to them that you were in trouble, that he had you and the flame, and Ontari. Octavia pointed out that if we went up into the tower there would be no turning back. We absolutely had to stop ALIE so we wouldn't have to.

They decided to stay eventually.

We arrived at the elevator with once again an air of déjà vu. Pike shot down the 2 grounders in charge of the elevator and I shouted at him, explaining to him that it was not their fault, but ALIE's, that we could save them.

I went up in the elevator with Murphy. Octavia had no intention of coming. She explained that she had to stay down there to help them in case anything went wrong. Then she closed the door. I read in her eyes that she was staying to be next to Pike. She wanted her revenge.

Murphy said to me then:

« **You get that we're screwed, right? A.L.I.E. already knows that we're coming.** »

« **This plan will work. Why are you here?** » Yes, it seemed strange to me that Murphy, after all, he had done against us, and in order to stay alive no matter what, was now throwing himself into the lion's den with his eyes closed. « **I'm just trying to survive.** »

I looked at him again to make him understand that I didn't believe him...I was waiting for the truth.

He said to me then:

« **You're not the only one here trying to save someone you care about.** »

His answer seemed honest. Murphy in love? I couldn't believe it. But what surprised me the most was that he understood how important you were to me. And yet he hadn't seen us together very often... It was that obvious? Was it only you who couldn't see that I was totally and unconditionally crazy about you? Were you really blind or didn't you want to admit it, to face it?

The elevator suddenly stopped. There must have been a problem downstairs. Some grounders forced the elevator door and we had a hard time pushing them back. Luckily we had the electric baton. The elevator started up again, but a native had managed to get in, strangling Murphy. I was forced to kill him to save him. I reached out my hand to him. Murphy seemed surprised that I rescued him. I think that little ride in the elevator really gave him and me a fresh start. I didn't totally trust him, but it was on the right track.

Once we got to the top, we managed to fake our way out thanks to the soporific gas. We got to you in time to save your mother, but too late to save Ontari, who was our only plan. I shot Jaha and knocked him out to keep him from finishing him off, and Murphy untied your mother who had hung herself, right in front of your eyes.

I untied you, but you only had eyes for your mother... You were completely shocked... She had hung herself in front of you, to force you to take the damn lozenge. And you didn't give in. You can't imagine how much I admired you, how much I still do. You have a strength of spirit that is beyond compare. Able to make choices that no one else could make. You used your head and not your heart. The opposite of me, in fact. That's why we needed each other so much, we were complementary.

« **Hey, are you okay?** » Silly question, but it was the only thing that actually mattered to me.

« **Is she alive? Is she breathing?** »

« **It's okay. She's breathing.** » Murphy reassured you.

You breathed a long sigh of relief and then turned to me, who was still holding you... « **Jaha has the Flame. Get it.** ». And you ran to Ontari. « **We can't let Ontari die. We have to stop the bleeding.** »

« **I got the Flame.** »

« **Her pulse is weak.** »

« **At least she's alive.** »

You check his pupils with a lamp and then you seem to lose all hope...

« **What? What does that mean?** »

« **She's brain dead. She can't give us the kill code. It's over.** ».

« **We're trapped here.** » Murphy noted, resigned.

We went to check the corridor with Murphy and see if the others had managed to climb. You needed to recover a little. When we came back, you had passed the EMP on your mother. She was lucid again. We explained to you that we had Jaha and the others in the room. The hallway and the lower floor were secure. No one could come in normally. « **Good. Then we have time.** » You intervened

« **Time for what?** » I asked you.

« **An Ascension Ceremony** »

« **Ascension? You just said Ontari wasn't an option. Besides, she's still chipped,and we no longer have an EMP** » Murphy pointed out to you.

« **We're not putting the Flame in Ontari's head. We're putting it in mine.** »

I walked towards you, again. When were you finally going to stop freaking me out so much? Weren't you tired of putting yourself in constant danger?

« **Clarke. That thing killed Emerson in seconds, liquified his brain.** »

« **Emerson wasn't connected to a Nightblood** » You answered me as if it made sense. You had already figured it all out. I couldn't do anything to dissuade you from it again.

« **Transfusion?** »Pike asked you.

« **Not exactly.** » Your mother, still in shock and tears, explained: « **Connected like Mount Weather** »

« **Yes. Everything we need is in your medkit.** »

Your mother got up, she was apparently no more reassured than I was, and on top of that she knew what she was talking about: « **No, it's too dangerous, and there are too many variables.** »

« **But no options.** »

Octavia barged into the room:« **Whatever you're doing, you'd better do it fast.** »

« **Why? What happened?** » I asked. As if we needed one more trouble...

« **They're climbing.** »

We all rushed to the balcony to see what was going on. Indeed, they were all about to climb the tower.

Your mother agreed to help you. I wasn't happy about it, but we had no choice. If your mother was willing to let you do it then I had to do it too.

We did a final scouting tour while your mother prepared you. You were sitting on Lexa's throne. I could see that Octavia had only one thought in mind: to kill Pike. But I also knew that she was too smart to know it wasn't the right time.

Your mother announced that everything was ready. I came immediately to stand by your side. I hated that you had to do that.

I watched the blood transfer and exchange in both of your bodies... I could see that you weren't reassured either even though you were trying to stay strong.

I then tried to relax you: « **Hey, try doing that hanging upside down** »I said to you with a small smile in memory of what I had endured at Mount Weather.

You gave me back my smile, but you were still scared. You sought reassurance from your mother:

« **This will work.** »

But it didn't reassure you at all: « **And if it doesn't?** »

And Murphy added a layer: « **If it doesn't work then she dies. If she doesn't try, then she dies with the rest of us when the climbers get here. If we're gonna do this I'm going to need the Flame.** »

« **Mom, please. He knows what he's doing. You have to let me go.** »

Then, you opened your hand to reveal the flame. Murphy asked you to tilt your head forward. You reached out your trembling hand to look for mine. I grabbed it right away, trying to sweep away the thought that this might be our last contact. I won't let go. I shook your hand as best I could, lightly caressing your fingers with my thumb, it was the only thing I could do. The only thing I could do to support you at that moment. I wanted to convey to you through this simple touch, which you yourself had sought, how much I cared about you. I would have liked to take your hand for the first time under different circumstances. Have you also noticed how well our hands fit together?

We each carried the weight of our past on our shoulders, which once again gave way from their deep wounds... All I could do, all we could do, was to reach out our hands to each other, so that they could touch each other, take hold of each other and become a stone base for each other.

You know, you were looking for support that day, you were probably scared of dying, and telling me that you wanted to have your hand in mine at that moment gave me a lump in my gut. But that little gesture also gave me more strength, because I was totally petrified by what you were about to do. You were risking your life once again. Once again I risked losing you, but this time it would be irreversible. And I won't be able to bear it. The thought that if you failed, I would die either way soothed me a little. At least I won't have to live in a world without Clarke Griffin.

« **You ready?** » Murphy asked you.

« **Do it!** » You answered him.

« **Ascende Superius.** »

You screamed, trembled, and then lost consciousness.

« **She okay?** » I asked your mother right away. Your hand was still in mine, I wouldn't let go.

« **Her heart's racing. Get that thing out of her head!** » But Murphy refused. « **I said, get that thing out of her head!** »

But you woke up, a little groggy: « **No, no, not yet.** »

I let go of your hand without really wanting to and your mother asked you: « **Are you in any pain?** »

« **No, I'm okay. I know how to stop ALIE. I have to take the chip.** »

« **What?** » I asked.

« **I have to go into the City of Light and find the kill switch.** »

« **Yeah, sounds like a great idea.** » Murphy agreed sarcastically.

But your mother went on and on: « **Clarke, listen to me. ALIE wants the Flame. If you take the chip you're giving it to her. The second someone sees you, ALIE is going to know you're there. She'll kill you. If your mind dies, you die.** »

You thought about it for a second and then said it with confidence: « T **he Flame will protect me.** » I didn't really understand, but I trusted you and knew only too well that when you had an idea in mind there was no point in discouraging you. « **I don't know how I know...I just know.** »

I went to get the chip... « **I believe you.** » You looked at me as if to thank me for standing by you. At this point, I wanted you to know that I believed in you, even if it was the last thing you could learn, a tiny part of the immensity of my feelings for you.

« **Do you even know what you're looking for?** » Your mother asked you.

« **I'll know when I find it.** »

It seemed to convince her. She kissed you on the forehead and added: « **May we meet again.** »

« **We will .** »

I took the floor: « **We'll keep you safe.** » You didn't answer me, but stared me in the eyes. Your gaze seemed to tell me "I had no doubt". I put the chip in your mouth. Then you closed your eyes.

I went into the hallway and I realized that Octavia had been left alone with Pike. It was not a good sign. I arrived in the room just as Pike was about to be killed by the grounders, Octavia had cut his leg. I saved his life and the three of us went out of the room to buy some time. We closed the door and put everything we could against it. Octavia banged her head against the cupboard that served as an obstacle.

« **O? O, listen to me. I know how you feel. I let the need for revenge put me on the wrong side. I don't want that for you.** »

She didn't answer me, but went to find more obstacles to block the door. Leaving me alone with Pike.

« **It wasn't the wrong side. If the Grounder army was still there when Lexa died, they would've attacked and you know it.** » he told me.

« **I wanted to see things like you. I needed that, believe that they were bad and we were good. I don't know what I believe anymore. I just know that I have to live with what I've done.** » That ended the conversation.

We were about to be overwhelmed when Pike had an idea. We filled the corridor with water and lured the grounders right into a trap. Once in the water, we electrocuted them, not enough to kill them, but enough to slow them down. We took advantage of the fact that they were all asleep to take up their weapons.

We rushed to the throne room where you were still unconscious and put everything we could against the door. Our people and the grounders knocked right behind it. « **This is it. We need to keep Clarke safe! Give her time. They're unarmed and they won't feel pain. They won't stop until they're out cold.** »

« **Copy that. Go for the knockout.** » Miller replied to me when we were all in place.

Your mother cocked a gun and looked at me... « **Only if they get past you.** » Her eyes let me understand that she knew I would give up my life if I had to, but that I would not let anyone get close to you. I think she had understood a long time ago how important you were to me.

They managed to open the door...

They were numerous and relentless. I was quickly overtaken by Kane and I didn't want to kill him, I couldn't. I had to get out of the way. He quickly got the upper hand and started choking me. Your mother had to shoot someone... The situation was getting out of hand and seemed lost. I felt myself leaving, life was running out of me. Then all of a sudden, Kane released me and seemed scared. People started screaming in pain. You did it.

You woke up while everyone was coming to their senses and breathing. I got up and looked at my sister who also seemed reassured that I was still alive. Then I came straight to you. I gently took you by the arm of my two hands to support you and help you get up. We both looked at all these people who were confused...

« **ALIE's gone.** »

« **Yeah, I figured.** »

You glanced at me and then looked away... Something was wrong, that's enough to make me worried. I now knew you enough to see that you weren't well at all. You could fool the others, but not me. I didn't need much to decipher every one of your behaviors.

I didn't know anything about the paths you had gone through, the ditches you had crossed again... I knew nothing, but I did everything I could to understand.

« **You're not acting like someone who just saved the world.** »… You turned your gaze again and plunged your exhausted eyes back into mine catching my glance and grabbing my heart in the process: « **Because we didn't. Not yet.** »

I tried to understand what you had just told me. I knew so little of what you had to live with. I also realized that I was still clinging to your arm even though you seemed to be standing upright. I just needed that touch, just needed to feel your blood flowing and beating through the veins of your wrist, just needed you.

That's when Octavia put her sword through Pike. This surprise made me let go of your elbow, but my other hand was still hanging from your wrist and it only took a few seconds before I came down to take your hand. She looked at him coldly from spreading it on the floor, then turned around and walked away without a glance at me. I had finally let go of your hand very gently, but our fingers were still touching.

I kept staring at Octavia, but I could feel your worried gaze on me. Fortunately, you were there. My sister had crossed the line... She could never turn back now either. After all you'd just been through, you seemed worried about her, about me... I'll take care of that later. For now, you were alive, you needed to confide in me, and we still had the world to save... Anyway, together, we were able to overcome the impossible.

We could never really put ourselves in each other's shoes. We would never be able to start again, to erase the mistakes, the dramas... but we could continue to move forward together. Together we could repair ourselves, start to remove the bandages from our hearts, massage the scars that still pull in their regrets. If I looked inside your heart, I could see that I would never be alone as long as you were by my side... And I would do everything to make sure that we would always be linked by this magical bond...

I can't help but think that if we had really been together...we would have been invincible!

> 


	30. THANK YOU, FOR KEEPING ME ALIVE

We came down as best we could from the tower. You explained to me what ALIE had told you on the way. I couldn't believe it. Would we never be at peace? The only peace that was granted to me materialized only when our eyes were lost in each other? That was all I had known and I would apparently not get to know better, I didn't want to know anything else anyway. You only wanted to talk about it to me. This blind trust you had in me touched me more than you could imagine.

When we arrived at the lower level, we could only become aware of the extent of the damage caused by the City of Lights and the control of ALIE. The people piled up, the lifeless bodies... Dead, because they had not wanted to submit or died in the city of lights. I looked for Octavia, but didn't see her, what she had done to Pike, her cold and hard expression, it bothered me enormously. She was on the wrong path. She was heading towards a place in her soul that was far too dark and from which she would have great difficulty getting out. Once again you had to read my thoughts, because you tell me in a reassuring tone:

« **She'll be okay. Octavia can take care of herself.** »

« **That's not what I'm worried about.** » I felt your sorry look on me, the kind of glance you give me when you are both sorry and compassionate, the kind that sometimes makes me think that you too would do anything to make me feel good. The one that warms and brightens my darkest thoughts into a glow, the one that kept me going every day.

« **She won't be charged. Everyone will say that Pike had it coming.** »

I looked at you: « **Maybe we all do.** »

You turned your head as if you approved of what I said:« **How do we tell these people that the world is ending after everything they've been through?** »

« **We don't, not until we know ALIE was telling the truth.** »

« **It was the truth.** » You now held my gaze. You were counting on me, I knew it, I felt it deep inside me. « **Still, we keep it to ourselves until we know what we're dealing with and how to stop it.** »

« **You're afraid of how people will react.** »

« **Yes. Besides, I could use a break from keeping you alive.** » I said to you with a cheeky smirk and staring you straight in the eyes... it's true that it was exhausting, but it was mostly the fear of losing you that I couldn't stand anymore. I wanted to make you understand that your life was more important to me than anything else, as important as my sister's, in fact, but differently. I was responsible for my sister, I had to protect her, it was my mission since she was born, it was the way I had grown up. You, nothing forced me to do it. We had no blood ties, no, our bond was much stronger. It was obvious. I didn't owe you anything, but I wanted to protect you, I wanted to keep you alive. I needed that, for me. If I did that with you, it was my decision, although I didn't really have a choice in the end. Every cell in my being was under a spell, was attached to you. I needed your presence or I would sink. I had to protect you, it was more than love...so much more than that. This type of love, it crosses years, galaxies, universes, betrayals, distances ... it crosses everything and remains intact ... and I can confirm it to you today.

It bothered you more than anything else since you looked away and didn't give me back my smile...

So I continued: « **We gave them back their pain, Clarke. Let's not add to that by telling them they're gonna die in six months.** »

You nodded. I had obviously convinced you. « **Good. Once everyone's down, we go home and we get to work. We didn't survive this long just to let a little radiation take us out.**

»

You prolonged your glance on me with insistence... and then... « **Thank you...for keeping me alive.** » You tell me full of sincerity and gratitude. Your look seemed to tell me more than that... I was so easy to read you...except when it came to deciphering your feelings towards me. Maybe I was afraid of seeing something that didn't exist in the end, of having false hopes...

Yet my soul believed in it. But my ears were waiting unconsciously, patiently, for the day when your mouth would be able to pronounce the words that would pierce my heart. To pierce the engine of my love for you with an electric shock that would allow me to move forward, to continue, to pursue our adventure.

I just nodded my head. There was no need to thank me, it was stronger than me anyway. Your life had become more important to me than mine for a long time. Whether you like it or not, I will protect you no matter what it takes. I couldn't think of an answer... a woman screamed and you ran towards her.

« **You don't make it easy.** » I grumbled without you being able to hear me, following you quickly. The man the woman was holding was unconscious, perhaps even dead.

« **He didn't fall.** » I noticed.

« **He chased me in the City of Light. Lexa killed him.** » You explained to me. The woman stood up, visibly upset and angry. « **Wanheda. You did this.** »

People gathered around us, murmuring, threatening...they were visibly ungrateful that you saved their lives and gave them back their free will.

We rushed to get the rest of us.

Your mother was found fairly quickly, and she had come down to look after the wounded.

« **Good. You're down. We have to go. The rover's in the north woods.** » You prevailed.

« **What about the wounded?** » Your mother asked.

« **The grounders don't want our help. Our people we treat at Arkadia.** » I answered her. You turned to me and nodded your head.

Suddenly we heard Raven on the radio: « **Hello? Bellamy, please. Come in.** »

I walked away with you for a little while so I could talk to her and let her know what ALIE had said so she could try to verify it. If anyone could do it, it was her.

« **Raven. Are you okay?** »

« **Yeah, yeah. We're all in one piece**. »

« **Good,** » I looked at you to get your approval and you gave it to me right away: « **there's something we need you to look into.** »

« **First tell me how my friends are. Did everyone make it? Clarke?** »

I gave you the radio:

« **I'm here, thanks to you. Raven, did ALIE ever tell you why she created the City of Light?** »

« **No. Why?** »

We heard the grounders announcing that the king was alive, but very wounded...you gave me back the radio.

« **Go, fill Raven in. They need a doctor!** »`

I made Raven aware of everything you told me. She was going to do her best to find out how to verify all of this. When it was over, I saw people gathering where you'd gone. I was starting to panic so I hung up on Raven and ran towards the crowd ... To find Echo holding you hostage with his sword at your throat!

I only had to lose sight of you for a minute and your life was still in danger!

« **Echo!** »

« **Bellamy, don’t!** » You told me somehow. Kane's holding me back, by the way. I didn't realize that she could have slit your throat at any moment if I went any further... I just wanted to kill her, get her off your back. I wasn't actually thinking. I had no wisdom left when it came to protecting you.

« **Let her go, Echo! Let her go!** » I threatened her even though she clearly had the hand.

« **Back off, Bellamy.** » She answered me, sure of herself. Her sword must have been pressing on your throat, which was beginning to blush. No, we hadn't gone through all this so that I could watch you die because of her. She had already taken Gina from me, she wouldn't take her from me a second time. « **Your King is my friend. Let us help him.** » You tried to make her understand..

« **I saw you in the City of Light. I know you destroyed it. Thank you for that.** » She told you.

She loosened her grip and pushed you towards me. You grabbed my arm and I rushed to support you.

Echo raised his voice for all to hear: « **Look around you. Skaikru did this to us. Because of them, Ontari, your rightful Commander is dead! This imposter stole her flame.** » She said, pointing at you.

Kane intervened immediately: « **No! Wanheda saved us, all of us. Grounder and Skaikru.**

»

« **There would've been nothing to save us from if not for you.** »

« **Azgeda has no authority here.** »

« **We do now. In the name of King Roan, as rightful caretakers of the throne of the Commanders, Polis is now under Azgeda rule!**

»

« **Like hell it is.** » A grounder returned, clan leader, member of the coalition. « **Where's your war chief, girl?** »

« **Our war chief is dead, Ambassador. As a member of the Queen's guard, command of the army has fallen to me, until the king awakens.** »

« **If he awakens.** » And she raised her voice: « **Until a new Commander can ascend, Polis is to be ruled by ambassadors of the Coalition. If Azgeda wants it, they must take it by force.** »

The others seemed to approve of his speech, but Echo slit her throat without giving her the extra time.

« Consider it taken. No Skaikru leaves this city. **_For Ice Nation!_** »

« **Looks like saving the world will have to wait.** » I whispered to you, which made you turn your head towards me when we were already only a few centimeters away from each other. So close and yet so far away from my point of view.


	31. OK PRINCESS, WHAT NOW?

Abby, you and Kane then discreetly arranged for as many people as possible to leave through the tunnels leading to the temple. I went my way to look for Indra and Octavia.

Indra and Kane's reunion was... surprising. Indra had really accepted us and seemed to consider Kane as her friend. Their hug was sincere. Maybe we could finally find an understanding with the grounders, we weren't so different after all. Pike had made me forget it.

I came to stand instinctively by your side.

« **Well?** » You asked me.

« **You're not gonna like it.** »

Indra followed: « **When you destroyed the City of Light, there were a thousand Azgeda warriors inside the City of Polis.** »

« **Good timing.** » Octavia said ironically.

« **The only way to remove them is by force.** » Indra continued.

« **Then let's remove them.** » Octavia answered.

« **Slow down. You're talking about a war.** » Abby highlighted.

« **Yes, Rockline, Flokru, and Broadleaf will join Trikru without question. We'll still be short.** »

« **This is madness. We should be leaving with the others, while we still have time.** »

Marcus answered your mother: « **They know where we live. If we run ,they'll follow. There are eight other clans, how do we get them to join us?**

»

« **I can do it, but I'll need to the flame.** » Indra turned towards you.

« **No.** »

I was trying to convince you: « **Clarke, the clans will follow whoever has the flame.** »

« **Azgeda won't.** »

« **Then we fight. That's the point.** » Octavia resumed.

« **No it's not. The point is, there's no time for a fight. We have to save Roan.** » You announced it.

I turned to you...you were going to have to tell them. I kept looking at you as you seemed to be thinking.

Octavia answered: « **Save him? They won't let us near him.** »

« **Wait a second. What don't we know?** » Your mother asked you.

« **The reason ALIE created the City of Light.** »

Kane was the first to ask: « **Why?** »

You looked at me to get my consent. You were going to have to tell them anyway, we had no choice. But the fact that you took the time to consult me reassured and surprised me in a way. So you told them:

« **Nuclear reactors inside power planets that survived the bombs are melting down. Radiation levels are already rising. If we can't figure out a way to fix it, all of us will be dead in six months.** » They were speechless. Only Kane was able to speak: « **ALIE told you this?** »

« **Yes.** »

« **And you believe her?** »

« **Raven's looking into it.** » I replied.

« **I believe her.** » You added.

Indra finally spoke: « **Even if it's true, that's six months away. There are a thousand Ice Nation warriors on the street who want to kill us today.** »

« **They won't kill us.** » you imposed.

« **How could you possibly know that?** » Octavia asked.

« **Because we're gonna surrender.** » You obviously had a plan. And indeed, it was awesome, provided it worked.

Octavia pretended to be Ontari's corpse, wrapped in sheets, so that she could gain access to the throne room and Roan. While you and your mother discreetly joined her, we would create a diversion with Kane. Luckily Echo only wanted to negotiate with me, but she soon realized the deception and I hoped you had enough time to cure him. She went back up with several guards, holding me hostage with a sword at my throat just like you did a few hours earlier. Her guards did the same with Octavia, your mother, and you. Echo thought you were trying to kill the king, but you explained that you were saving him.

Fortunately, Roan woke up just as Echo was about to slit your throat. That gave us a little time, but Roan didn't seem to be totally on our side, upset about Ontari's death and the fact that he had been shot. All we had to do was hope that he trusted you enough and was grateful that you had taken care of him.

We waited in the cell, all in chains. Your gaze was lost on the flame you were holding in your hand ... Your mother came close to you and caressed your face.

« **I loved her, Mom.** »... These words felt like a dagger in my heart. You had said it out loud... Unfortunately, those words were not intended for me. My heart screamed silently, choking in its sadness and disappointment. I bit the inside of my cheek so as not to burst into tears. I could hardly believe your words. The words melted on me and scratched my soul. It was my fault after all: I was too stupid to think that I could deserve even a small part of your love... I couldn't take my eyes off your watery face. I was distraught and still stunned that I had fallen from so high. The fall was long and painful but the hardest part was the landing.

And yet, I also felt so sorry for you, I couldn't bear to see you suffer. You probably loved Finn, and you must have killed him. You loved Lexa, she died right in front of you. You must have been so broken inside...I could only try to measure the depth of your pain without being able to fathom its most terrible secrets. And yet you took it upon yourself, allowing yourself to crack just then. Is it really necessary to rewind the whole film to realize that you could no longer allow yourself to open your heart, too damaged by the losses you suffered?

I couldn't help but look at you, sadly no doubt, listening to this confession. Of course, I was jealous, I had no right to be, but I was. And I think Kane knew this because he looked at me right afterward with a little air of pity on me ... You loved her... So that explained a lot. She had been able to touch your heart while I didn't dare to try anything for fear of breaking our bond that was so precious to me. She had double-crossed me, I had lost. But she belonged to the past now and I had to hold on, move forward, keep hope and give you time to recover and believe again that happiness exists. I believe today that the only happy ending there can be is when you find the right person. And until proven otherwise, we have always found our way back to each other, I even brought you back from the dead... So yes, I know for sure that we belong together.

Echo arrived with several guards who put a cloth over your head and took you away.

You struggled and asked to talk to Roan.

I tried to struggle too, yelling at Echo but it didn't even turn around. I was devastated, certain that I would never see you again or your body would be lifeless...and the last memory I would have of you would be that you were in love with Lexa...not me.

You still managed to talk some sense into Roan, so he declared us 13th clan and freed us with his protection. Once again, you had saved us all. And at that moment, the only thing that really mattered to me was that you were safe.

Echo walked us back to the entrance of Polis where she gave me the King's seal that would ensure our protection. She asked me if there was a chance that we could ever trust each other again, but I told her that I doubted it... If I had known what she and I would become a few years later... Kane, your mother, Octavia, and Indra had decided to stay close to the king to defend the coalition and help Roan stay on the throne.

« **We'll find a way to beat the radiation.** » You ensured.

« **If either of you screw this up, we die. No pressure.** » Octavia had a knack for relaxing...

« **This is serious, O. If anyone find out why Roan helped us, it'll be every clan for itself. The king will fall, and they'll come after us.** » She didn't answer me.

So you took the floor: « **It's getting dark. Let's do this.** »

You hugged your mother and Kane came up to me and said friendly greetings: « **You turn the page. You turn the page, and you don't look back. You do better today than you did yesterday. You understand?** » I simply nodded my head, confused. « **Before you know it, you'll deserve to survive.** » I really miss Kane. I can't believe he's gone. I think that with you, he's the only one who never looked at me like a monster, who trusted me. The father I always dreamed of having.

« **I hope so.** »

I felt your and your mother's look on us. We both left.

All I could find to say was « **Okay, Princess, what now?** » I don't know why I used that nickname that suited you so well. I hadn't done it for far too long. It was probably a sign that our relationship had really gone back to the way it was before. I had moved on, I wasn't angry anymore, I had forgiven you, even more than that. And we had to deal with everything again, together, as a team.

« **Now we survive.** » You answered me.

Yes, we were going to survive, together. Because together we were stronger, together we were invincible. By your side, I felt I could take down the moon and the stars one by one. By your side, nothing seemed impossible to me. You and me, against the whole world. Just you and me.


	32. WE SAVE WHO WE CAN SAVE TODAY, TOGETHER.

We went back to the ark where we all started to work to find a solution. 2 days later, we still hadn't found anything.

« **We've been at this for two days. There must be something we're not thinking of. What if we could reach the nearest nuclear reactor?** »

« **I told you, the meltdown started months ago. There's no magic button to turn them off. Today this isn't black rain but it will be soon. That's why we have to focus on riding out the radiation, finding some place safe and big enough to hold all five hundred of us.** » Raven explained.

You spoke up: « **This isn't just about saving us. I made a promise to Roan. It's about saving everyone.** »

« **That's why we need to tell everyone.** » Raven argued. « **Crowdsource it. If there's another Mount Weather out there, the Grounders will know about it.** »

I asked her then: « **You think they're just gonna tell us? Just like that? If you tell everybody they're going to die the Coalition is over, Roan falls, and the Grounders will be at our gate.** »

« **Then just tell our people. We need more minds on this problem. On the Ark, people volunteered for the Culling because they were told the truth and given a choice. A choice your dad died for.** » Raven addressed to you. It was a low blow, as usual. She never gave you a gift, never tried to thank you for what you did or to understand you. I hope that one day she can put herself in your shoes and realize all the sacrifices you made.

« **You think I've forgotten that?** » You replied by raising your voice, her remark having clearly touched you.

I cut you off to save you from an argument: « **Okay. We'll tell everybody the truth as soon as we have a viable solution. Without one, it'll start a panic.** »

« **You don't know that.** »

Monty suddenly screamed: « **That's it!** » We all turned to him and you asked him what he was talking about. He then explained: « **Think. Alpha Station survived for ninety-seven years in space, through elevated radiation levels and extreme temperature fluctuations. Sound familiar? All we have to do is patch up the ship. We're standing in our viable solution.** »

We all looked at each other. Monty smiled. He had just found us a solution, not perfect, but for the moment it was a good start.

I was going to tell Miller and Bryan. We would indeed need the water generator present in the Agro station, in Azgeda territory. Only Bryan could take us there, well, he was the only one I trusted who could. Miller wasn't necessarily happy about it, but it was our only option.

I went to prepare the truck and the ammunition, hoping not to need it. Monty would take care of the technical part once on site. It was a risky mission, we had to avoid damaging the generator and we would only get one chance.

You came to me while I was explaining that the batteries were full and that we should not need to stop to recharge. You brought me the seal of Roan hoping that it would work and that we wouldn't have to fight. I signaled to the others that we were ready and I felt your eyes staring at me...When you looked at me like that, I was like hypnotized, I couldn't speak or think. You were the only one left. I held your gaze and realized that I didn't want to leave you, I didn't want to lose sight of you: « **You could still come with us.** »

« **No, I can't. Arkadia is just plan B. It doesn't help the Grounders. I'm not stopping until we have a solution that saves everyone.** »

« **We save who we can save today.** » I answered you to reassure you. Then I left, trying to tell myself that you were safe here, that you are not going to put yourself in danger again as you used to when I was away from you.

Our expedition didn't go exactly as planned... It turned out to be a nightmare and I had to make a choice: Save the people of the Azgeda agro prisoner station, or respect the coalition, leave them to their fate and leave with the generator. I hesitated, but my heart took over once again. I decided to save our imprisoned people at the expense of the ship that could save many more. I returned to the Ark, without the water generator that we needed, and with dozens more mouths to feed... Raven was beside herself, but you, you hardly made any reproach. You probably would have done the same thing. Moreover, you seemed to know and appreciate one of the young people I had brought back: Riley.

You simply pointed out that I had sacrificed lives after all. But you immediately tried to find another solution and calm Raven down. Only 100 people could be saved. Raven called you back to tell the truth, and then left.

You looked pensive, lost, the weight of responsibility still on your shoulders. I couldn't take my eyes off your face. I had only been gone a few hours, but I had missed you so much. When I laid my eyes on you, my eyes shone so brightly because my heart was burning with a fiery flame. I didn't know if it was because I loved you more than anything else or because it was bleeding because I didn't feel like my passion was shared. « **What are you gonna do?** »

« **Hope that there's a forgiving god.** »You answered me. You seemed so fragile all of a sudden, so destitute.

Yet, a few dozen minutes later, you were standing in front of the crowd we had gathered to tell them the bad news:

« **So now you know the truth. I know you're afraid. I know you're angry, but when I shut down A.L.I.E. I knew there was to way for us to get through this together.** » You turned to me when you said that word that I said to you when we lowered that damn lever at Mount Weather. I don't know if it was to give you the strength to continue your speech, to reassure you or something more intimate. To tell you the truth, it bothered me without me understanding why, I looked away and you continued your speech.

« **Alpha Station is that way. Every single one of us will survive on this ship.** » I realized that you were lying to them. It was the only thing to do to get enough volunteers, but I was still a little taken aback and Raven seemed to disagree with you. It must be said that the two of you didn't often agree. You kept going: « **It won't be easy. Raven needs volunteers if we're gonna get it ready in time. It'll be a lot of work, but now you understand why we need to do it. If we stick together, I give you my word, we won't just survive. We'll thrive.** » You had apparently managed to convince the crowd. It must be said that you had the skill for it. Your speech was perfect. I always admired the mental strength with which you were able to put aside your emotions to act in favor of everyone. A few minutes earlier, you seemed desperate yourself. And then you had just motivated everyone with more strength and conviction than I had seen in any chief or chancellor before.

You came back to us.

Raven said to you in a condescending tone: « **Nice speech.** »

You simply answered her: « **Sometimes hope is more important than truth.** »

« **You dad would be so proud.** » She ironized. She really wasn't giving you any favors. Didn't she see that you were giving the best of yourself? You were giving your all to save everyone and that was enough weight on your shoulders. It was low to use the pain of losing your father to reach.

You didn't let yourself be destabilized and you answered her: « **You wanted workers. You got them.** »

She seemed very annoyed, but didn't argue any further and dragged the volunteers into the warehouse.

We both stayed and I repeated what I had told you earlier: « **We save who we can save today.** » You nodded your head, not quite confident, but visibly reassured that I was on your side. I will always be on your side anyway, I've always been on your side, even when I didn't agree with your choices I almost always supported them. Because each of your choices was taken judiciously, with reflection, in favor of the greater number. All except one that you would make several weeks later, but I didn't know that at that time.


	33. YOU KEEP HER CENTERED

So we all set to work, trying to manage as best we could and think of a better solution. We also had to ration supplies.

« **Two meals a day for people working as hard as ours, we won't make any friends.** » I remarked to you.

« **Well, if there's one thing our people understand, it's rationing. Besides, once we close those doors, it'll be one meal a day for the next five years. »**

Raven stepped in: « **Try one meal every other day. Hunting parties are coming back with less and less. Thanks to your friend Niylah, we're preserving more meat than ever. But it's still not enough. Without a way to make water, growing our own protein like we did on the Ark is not an option. Remember that when we're starving.** » She said to me.

« J **I won't be starving because I won't be inside.** » I answered him. I was getting tired of her putting it in my head every day.

That made you react directly: « **Yes, you will.** » You made it sound like it was non-negotiable. My life had value, at least for you. And technically, it was the only thing I cared about. That said, I was really hoping I could count on you. I was hoping that you would be there to help me face the next challenges that the future would bring.

So Raven asked for you: « **Does that mean you made the list?** »

« **No. What about drinking water?** » You tried to change the topic.

« **Clarke, don't change the subject.** **We need to know who's gonna be on the inside of these doors when the radiation comes.** »

She was abusing you, putting an extra weight on your shoulders, which were already too heavy. It was easy to blame you when no one else was doing the dirty work...it wasn't fair. Believe me, I understand everything you've been through and the wounds you keep inside you and will certainly keep until your last breath. « **We don't need to know now.** » You simply replied, hoping for a better solution. But you didn't have time to continue, an announcement from the loudspeaker asked for medical help at the entrance of the ark, sick people were arriving. We went there directly.

The guards didn't want to let them through, they were grounders. It was Nyko, with several very sick people. He had lost 40 of them on the road. Luna was among them. Miller pointed out to me that it might be a biological attack, as they had done with Murphy. I had a slight doubt, especially when I saw you approaching...

Luna implored us to treat her despite what she had done to us.

Your mother arrived and immediately recognized the symptoms: Acute radiation sickness, ARS. The radiation had already started.

Luna explained that it started right after the fish started dying, which alerted Raven strongly. They were brought inside, taking them to the infirmary. We both stayed outside, close to a dead body.

« **It's already here.** » You remarked, seeking the comfort of my gaze.

You went to the infirmary and I followed you a few minutes later. It was a real nightmare inside. Luna was vomiting blood, people were coughing, having trouble breathing...it just made our stress worse. You were talking to your mom and Jackson when I went into the infirmary. You immediately looked for me, as if reassured that I was in the room. I couldn't help you much in this area... I would go near Luna to try to help her a little. I wasn't capable of much more, having no medical skills.

« **You think I deserve this for refusing the flame?** » She asked me.

« **No one deserves to suffer. Besides, this would've happened anyway.** »

You came to join us, standing by my side.

Luna went on watching the dying little girl and a few people around: « **This is all that's left of my people. Can you save them?** »

« **We'll do everything we can. You have my word.** » You answered her sincerely.

She started coughing again and we exchanged a glance to go and talk a little more apart. « **Tell me something good.** »You asked me, a priori overwhelmed by the situation. Unfortunately, I had no good news to tell you, even though I would have liked to erase this annoyed look from your pretty face.

« **Raven's looking for us.** »

So we went in front of Raven's computers who explained to us that we only had 2 months left before the arrival of the radiation wave.

« **The Ark won't be ready.** »I noticed while you looked at me, desperate.

Raven thought it was possible by tripling the workload. The hardest part would be figuring out who could stay.

« **Raven, we're not talking about the list again.** » You said, a little coldly.

« **Clarke, we are running out of time. We have to make a plan for the day we close the doors, drill for it, make sure only the survivors have guns, agree on protocols for dealing with the people who are pissed off they're not chosen. You asked me to be in charge of rationing, and I am doing it, but choosing who gets to live or die is your specialty.** » You seemed to be hurt by her remark and you had reason to be. I knew you were always doing your best to lose as few people as possible. She was hard on you. You didn't have time to tell her that we were going to start the Rover, which was not planned. So we headed towards the noise.

It was Jaha. I quickly got him out of the vehicle.

« **I need to make a run.** »

« **All supply runs go through me, and shouldn't you be working on the patch to sector 5?** » Raven replied.

« **A patch for a ship that can only save a hundred people? Why are you surprised? I am an engineer. We have no way to generate water. The harder number is 400. Can you really sentence 400 more of our own people to death?** »

You answered with irritation:« **We don't have a choice.** » You spoke so loudly that people around heard you... You calm down.

« **What if you do?** »Jaha explained. « **What if I told you there might be a fallout shelter less than a day's drive from here, a fallout shelter built to sustain thousands?** »

« **We've been through the chancellor's files. All the bunkers you considered for the hundred were listed as compromised or unviable, and now Mount Weather is, too**. »

« **Those were government bunkers.** » He handed you a tablet with a newspaper article.

« **A doomsday cult?** » I could read.

« **That's right -- the second dawn.** »

« **They built a bunker?** »

« **Their whole theology was based on riding out the end of the world.** »

« **And why didn't you consider it?** »

« **We couldn't prove it existed.**. »

« **So why are you considering it now?** »

« **Because before now, we didn't need it.** »

« **You found it, didn't you?** » You asked him.

« **We can't be sure unless we check it out.** »

We looked at each other, obviously in agreement, without surprise. Then one turned to Raven who was not at all in agreement: « **No. No way. We need that rover for hauling pieces of a 3-ton patch we're build…** »

**« Yeah, but if he's right we don't need a patch.** » You turn her off.

« **Can I talk to you guys for a second?** » Raven asked us as she walked away. We followed her.

« **Can you please remind Clarke what happened the last time Jaha went looking for salvation?** » She addressed to me.

« **Raven, if that bunker is real, we can save a lot more than a hundred people.** »

« **If it's not, we've lost another day.** » She reiterated.

« **Hey, look. If it's not, I'll make the list... ok?** ». You answered her. I knew how much it cost you to promise him that.

She looked at us one by one, seeing that she wouldn't have the last word. « **Oh, do what you want. I've got a ship to seal.** »

We left with Jaha. He made us watch and listen to the video of Cadogan, the leader of the cult, on the road. He also explained to us how he had found the bunker. We were not necessarily convinced by these fanatics. But it was worth a try.

We arrived nearby at nightfall, we decided to search on foot, with our lamps. Jaha located himself thanks to the mountain which was in the background on the photograph. We were not to be far anymore.

« **Well, if anyone's entitled to a lucky break, we are.** »I said...which had the advantage of seeing you display a nice smile in my direction.

« **You hear that?** **No insects.** » Jaha remarked.

We looked at each other right away, the worried look on her face.

« **What?** » He asked us.

« **Luna said the fish were dying.** »

« **What are the things that eat the fish and bugs gonna eat now?** » I asked.

You answered me ironically: « **What happened to us** **deserving a lucky break?** »

You went ahead, looking for anything that could resemble the entrance to the bunker. Jaha made a remark that surprised me, especially coming from him: « **She's lucky to have you. Leadership is a lonely pursuit, but you... you keep her centered.** »

He had just told me what I actually thought of you. It was you who kept me centered, anchored me, stabilized me. It was you who kept me from getting lost. I watched you from afar.

I counted on you to change things, to solve my problems, to ease my pain, and help me heal my wounds. I followed you like a guide. I understood you. You supported me. You listened to me. I didn't know what the future had in store for me. But what I did know was that I was counting on you. I was counting on your strength of mind and your understanding to face anything that would come my way in the weeks to come. You proved to me that you were one of the few people I could trust. You knew everything about me, I knew everything about you. You were this more than exceptional confidante.

« **You got it backwards.** »

« **Still blaming yourself for killing that army. You made mistakes… It’s true. But your intentions were pure. Every choice you made to save your people. Even shooting me twice. As long as that's the truth, you don't need redemption.** »

« **You better hope so.** »

« **What's that?** »

« **Well, if you're wrong and there is a hell, then I guess I'll see you there.** »

« **How many people do you have to save before you forgive yourself?** »

You interrupted us, you had found the entrance.

I joined you, passing in front. « **St** ay behind me. » I asked you. I didn't want anything to happen to you. « **Watch your head.** »

We arrived in a kind of cellar, filled with cobwebs. I cleared the way.

A corpse was against a wall, holding a seal with the number 11 in his hands.

« **Their faith was based on 12 seals** » Jaha explained. « **Followers could level up by unlocking them one at a time. Only those who reached level 12 could achieve salvation.** »

« **Maybe that’s why they didn't let him in.** » You responded by lighting a huge metal door, sealed.

« **I was right.** »

« **What if they're still in here?** »You asked as you glanced at me.

I walked to the door and hit you with all my might. « **Hey! Is anyone there?** »

« **It’s still sealed** » Jaha said.

« **There's no locks, no handles.** »

« **That's because it was designed to be opened from inside.**. »

« **Or from the outside by somebody with a Rover.** » I proclaimed proudly.

My idea worked. But we hadn't had our stroke of luck. What we found inside was not a happy sight... hundreds of dead bodies. Water...

« **It wasn't sealed. The radiation would have killed them in days. This won't save anyone.** » I was disappointed. No miracle solution, we were back to where we started. You were going to have to make this list and it would break a part of you once again. I'll be there to help you put every piece back together.


	34. IF I'M ON THAT LIST, YOU'RE ON THAT LIST

So we returned to Arkadia, without any good news. We left in the office where I tried to rest a little. I didn't know that in the meantime, you were doing another thing that would once again break your heart, already broken by all the hardships you had endured... I woke up to the hateful sound of your sobs that you were trying to cover up. I quickly guessed what it was all about. I hated seeing you suffer so much. I hated that you had to carry that weight on your shoulders again. It was breaking you, and what was hurting you was hurting me. Who could pretend to be comfortable in pain except the person who was afraid to leave it, afraid of living even worse... More than they could survive? More than they could bear? If only we knew all the pain that we could hear...

I got up and came to join you. I saw the list.

There was only one place left, one line, the last, the last survivor... Just above, my name. « _99: Bellamy Blake_ » . You thought I was worth saving. My heart stopped for a few moments, wondering why a perfect girl like you would want to save someone like me, among engineers, doctors, farmers...really useful people for the future. Much better people than me. Yet it was my name written in black and white on it.

So I went through the list a little bit...I didn't even notice right away that you had put my sister in 5th position. The only thing that struck me was that ...you weren't there... No, unthinkable. How could you consider me fit to be there and not you? You deserved it a hundred times more than I did. All I could do was analyze, try to decipher... My breathing became blocked.

« **If I'm on that list,** **you're on that list.** » I simply told you, the voice broken by emotion and the traces of sleep still remaining. It was out of the question for me to live without you. I couldn't do it. I hoped that this simple sentence would make you understand the magnitude of my feelings for you. How could I breathe without my oxygen? Explain to me how I could do without the reason for my smile, the reason that makes my heart beat? You see, I wouldn't survive. I would do everything I could to never lose you... I wish I could.

You looked up at me with tears in your eyes: « **Bellamy, I can't.** » You blew it out.

You were ready to kill yourself for your people. I won't let you do it. You deserved to live. I couldn't bear for you to think otherwise. It broke my heart.

« **Write it down. Write it down, or I will.** » I said to you while trying to contain my emotions that were bubbling up in my whole being. I had no other choice: either you would come with me inside or I would stay with you outside. Do you know why I have faith in you? Because I know that you have this strength and bravery in you. You are exceptional Clarke, you always have been.

You move your head and cry more deeply. You couldn't write your name, you didn't want to. You probably didn't want to sacrifice one more life for your own personal gain. You had a right to happiness. So was I. We both deserved it, I know that today. I think that's what you needed to understand. Sometimes I feel like you don't think you deserve to be happy. I feel like you're in a self-destructive business. It has to stop. If one day you read these words I beg you to stop self-destructing, be happy, with or without me.

So I took the pen: « _100: Clarke Griffin_ » I stared at you at the same time. I will save you, no matter what. I wanted you to see me write your name. I wanted you to know how much your life was important to me, more than any other on this planet...except maybe my sister's... Once again, I couldn't know what the future had in store for us, but I was hoping that this time the timing would be favorable.

I was finding it harder and harder to contain my emotions, imagining a life without you, my best friend, my only true ally, the only person who understood and supported me, the only one who trusted me more than I trusted myself... You were the most extraordinary, the most magical person I could ever know. My soulmate... I put down the pen, you tried to dry the tears... « **So what now?** » You asked me.

« **Now we put it away and hope we never have to use it.** » I replied, still feeling your lost gaze on me. That's not what I really wanted to answer you. I wanted to run away with you away from all this. I wanted to put my lips on yours with all the tenderness of the universe and wipe every tear from my fingers. If I have to be totally honest, I even wanted to lay you down there on that desk and unite our bodies so that it would become one, finally. I don't doubt for a moment that it would have been like the first time for me, the first time I would have done it out of love, devotion, passion. Tears come to my eyes just thinking about what I could feel then...To have the satisfaction of satisfying you and filling you up completely, to take you to heaven...to walk with my fingers every inch of your perfect body, to stay nested in each other for centuries, just savoring the moment and being united...if only ... « **You still have hope?** » You answered me with an air of surprise.

« **We still breathing?** »I answered you. I wasn't sure myself, but I wanted to reassure you, I wanted you to dry those tears that I couldn't stand anymore. I wanted you to regain your confidence. You're wonderful and the things you've been through don't define you. You are so much more than that. We've all had our share of unhappiness. We had to look to the future and face it serenely, together.

You looked at the list again... I didn't know what to do, I had to contain this biting desire to have you against me, to caress this blond mane whose smell gave me butterflies in my stomach... I simply put my hand on your shoulder, trying to be reassuring. The simple contact of my fingers on your neck was enough to make me shiver. You seemed to enjoy it. You put your hand on mine and my heart started to race. Then you put your head on both of our hands together... As if you relied entirely on this simple gesture... I think my heart exploded.

It was very hard for me to pull myself together, to contain the burning desire to caress your face, to hug you so tightly that I could have broken your bones, to tell you that no matter what happens, a world without you was not worth living in. You were my world, Clarke. You still are. I should have done it, I should have told you and sent it all out the door, kissed you like my life depended on it, and enjoyed our last moments on earth together, letting others save the world for once. We would have deserved it after all. But we weren't like that, you wouldn't have let me. And the fear of being rejected is reason enough for me. It was your turn to play. And I'll be there for you, always. But I needed you to be there for me, too.

When it came to you, I wasn't the self-confident man I used to be with women... No, when it concerned you, I didn't answer for anything anymore, I lost all my means, I was afraid of making a mistake, of breaking everything... I was afraid of losing what had never really been mine. You were wild, indomitable, and that's what I liked so much about you. Our bond was solid, strong, I couldn't risk losing everything when I had already lost my sister, I couldn't risk making you feel uncomfortable or disappointed... and yet... I could have given you more love than you ever had in a lifetime. I would have given everything for you. If only I could have been sure that my feelings were even remotely shared, I would have been your Bellamy, I already was. If only...but it wasn't the right time yet.

You know, according to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a two-faced head. Fearing their power, Zeus divided them into two distinct parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other half. I grew up with this idea. And I know I found mine: it’s you Clarke. I quickly felt it, maybe even at the very moment you screamed at me on that dropship and I met that look that thundered in my heart, even as we were fighting, I knew in my heart that we were connected, that you were special and that you would be exceptional for me. Soulmates are a unique relationship, indescribable chemistry that you have with a person. It is that person who knows you better than anyone else, even better than you know yourself. It is this person who completes you. A soulmate is someone who knows you and accepts you before everyone else does or when no one else would. No matter what happens, you will always love them and nothing and no one will ever be able to change that, not even distance, years, betrayal...

I can say today, after hundreds of years and several planets... you are the only person who fits this description exactly. Perfectly!

Today, when I think about it, I tell myself that, in fact, it was perhaps the best time, the best opportunity I ever had to explain all this to you. I should have taken it. But I didn't... You probably would have thought it was completely stupid, completely silly even...and yet it was obvious!

But I was afraid. What an idiot! Fear paralyzed me, I couldn't take the first, the last step. I was dying of envy, but there was always that "if" that prevented me. What if I wasn't good enough for you? If my feelings weren't shared. If you pushed me away and ended our friendship...

So I was simply telling you: « **Get some sleep.** » You took your hand away and nodded your head...I squeezed my lips and swallowed the ball I had in my throat...all those buried, hidden emotions. And I left you alone. I needed to put some distance between us. I couldn't have contained myself any longer if I had stayed another minute by your side. There would have been no turning back and I didn't want to make a mistake. Not with you. I needed to know where you were at and where you wanted to go. Because the path I take will depend intimately on the path you choose to take.


	35. IT WAS A GOOD DEATH

But you didn't rest. Instead, you go to the infirmary where you find out that Luna's blood probably saved her. She was the only survivor. Everyone else was dead. And she looked healed. We might have had another solution.

I left with the hunting team to try to bring back more rations. Unfortunately, we were attacked and kidnapped by the Azgeda. They took us back to Polis where Echo took us directly to the king. Kane was surprised and worried to see us. He didn't understand. He immediately took off my gag and asked me if I was okay and what had happened.

It was Roan who spoke, explaining that they had found us hunting in the woods while our people were repairing our ship. The guard who was with me had already told them that we wanted to use it as a shelter. He had told them everything, even that we had Luna. Roan thought we wanted to double-cross him, betray him. Kane tried to convince him, but Echo slit the guard's throat. Our alliance was broken. They had decided to use us as hostages. Roan sent Echo to capture Octavia despite my screams.

Meanwhile, Monty had revealed the list to everyone. And you were alone against everyone to face it.

I was beginning to lose hope in the cell, but Kane was there to cheer me up. A few hours later, they came looking for us, their faces showing their war paint. Roan explained that they were taking us home, to get our ship. It was wartime. I told them that Octavia would have time to warn them and that they were going to lose. Roan exchanged long glances with Echo...Echo turned around and threw Octavia's sword to the ground in front of me.

« **She wouldn't be taken alive.** **I am sorry.** » Roan explained, who seemed strangely sincere, but I didn't care.

The ground slipped away from under my feet, I held myself back as I could at the fence...

« **It was a good death.** » Echo continued. I had the sudden feeling of dying, of losing all breath. All I felt was pain and suffering. My sister, my responsibility, my life... The one I had sworn to protect, the one who had given meaning to my life since her birth. I screamed as loud as I could, but it was useless. Nothing could alleviate my pain, my suffering. They could use me, they could kill me, I didn't want anything anymore, I didn't taste anything. My pain is infinite. My sister was no longer of this world. Why go on?

The guards took me away as I continued to cry and scream. Nothing mattered anymore. Life didn't matter anymore...

We walked what seemed like centuries, alongside hundreds of Azgeda warriors. All along the way, all I could think of was my sister, wondering if she had suffered, if she had forgiven me... I had lost my sister when she hated me... I hadn't been able to tell her that I loved her in spite of all the hatred she had for me.

Suddenly we stopped. After a few seconds I heard Roan screaming: « **Archers! Target Wanheda!** ».

You were there. That's all that was missing. My reason suddenly came back to me, maybe I still had a reason to live, to survive...you were that reason. But if they killed you too, then I might as well be finished right now...

  
Why were you there? Did you know about the attack? Obviously... But how did you know? We were moved forward with a bag over our face. We were put on our knees on the ground. The sun burned our eyes when they took the bags away. My eyes were still full of tears when I saw your face, surprised and scared. You apparently hadn't considered the fact that I was a hostage. I could see by your distressed look that you would not follow your original plan and that you would not abandon me.

  
Just reading your eyes, seeing you there in front of me, it soothed me. I didn't forget Octavia's death, no, but my grief became less bitter.

If the snipers fired, they would kill us. I knew you wouldn't let that happen.

« **Ten minutes. That's all I ask.** »

Roan followed you despite Echo's protests.

Kane pointed out to Echo that they were going to lose, that our people knew they were coming and that there were shooters everywhere.

I suddenly realized that Octavia was probably still alive. She was alive, I could feel it in my heart. Monty appeared a few minutes after you left, asking to speak to the person in charge. He had time to confirm to me that Octavia was alive. I breathed again.

Monty warned her that Riley was planning to kill Roan. I managed to convince her to join us to try to reason with him, to avoid a massacre. He untied me and took Monty instead. I had no right to make a mistake.

I tried as hard as I could to reason with Riley who wouldn't listen. Echo was ready to kill him. Finally, he snapped and changed his mind. All that remained was to hope that you could come to an arrangement. I had no doubt.

You were found and the first thing you asked for was: « **Bellamy, are you okay?** »

« **No one died today.** »I answered you.

« **So what did we miss?** » Roan asked, alerted by the fact that we had nothing to do here.

« **Nothing, Sire.** »She answered him. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all.

« **And the ship?** » I asked you.

« **If we can't crack Nightblood, we'll share Arkadia, find a way for us to survive together.** » That's when the explosion happened...the ship, our solution, our truce had just gone up in smoke...

We all went to the Ark in panic and terror about what we might find there.

There was chaos there, the flames were immense, people were running everywhere, many were injured, people were crying, children were screaming...

« **I have to find my sister.** » I said to you while running towards the entrance.

« **I have to find my sister.** »You indicated to me by accompanying me.

You tried to ask people what had happened, but they were too shocked to answer.

We looked everywhere, distraught by the sad scene that was being played out. « **There, there** » you said, grabbing my arm and putting your other hand against my chest. It was Octavia. She was with Niylah and a native. All three were in bad shape and had just left the ship.

I immediately grabbed my little sister in my arms and ran as far away as I could, the ship could explode again at any moment.

« **I got you. I got you. Let's get you out of here.** »

You made sure Niylah was okay and came back to us.

« **I got you. I got you. Okay. O. All right.** » You took his hand and put your other hand on his arm...

« **It was Ilian. I tried to stop him.** » She explained us while coughing. You stood up and stared at Ilyan, who had just ruined our meager chances of survival... You didn't let go of Octavia's hand. The three of us were connected when the Ark exploded for good. Everyone was in shock. I squeezed O as hard as I could, she accepted my embrace. I held on to her as hard as I could, I had missed her touch since Lincoln's death. Humanity had just seen one of its last chances of survival go up in smoke. We were not out of the woods yet. But we were united. Together we would find a solution.

This memory is not a joyful or glorious one, and yet... I can't help but smile when I think back... this connection, this bond shared at that moment, a family, the one I had always wanted, the two women in my life, the two women I cared about most in the world... If the Ark hadn't been on fire, this moment would have been a moment of pure happiness.


	36. EXCEPT MAYBE CLARKE

Once the chaos had subsided slightly, we got together with Kane, Monty, and Roan. Monty explained to us that we could no longer rely on the Ark, which was too damaged. You explained that the only solution left was Nightblood. There weren't enough guards or Azgeda warriors left. People wanted to stay with their loved ones and maintain a semblance of peace until the end. So Roan offered to take us to the lab with his close guard. Raven needed all the remaining hydrazine to make ebony blood. So this was our next mission: to drive the stock to the lab, avoiding dying on the way.

I went to the med bay to see Octavia. She was lying on a bed with her back to me.

« **You gave us a scare.** » She didn't react. « **You saved so many people, O. Without you getting here to warn us Azgeda was coming, we'd be at war.** »

« **Get out.** » She answered me simply, coldly. The shock and the fear of the explosion had left her, she had become cold again towards me. « **Octavia, I thought you were dead.** » I didn't know what to say to her to make her understand how devastated I was during the few hours I thought I would never see her again ... Why waste our time arguing?

« **Octavia is dead. She died when you killed Lincoln.** » Get a slap in your face Bellamy ... My sister had the talent to hurt me without even touching me... The kind of wound that stays deep in the soul and is hard to heal.

« **Please don't say that, O. Hey, I'm your brother.** »

She turned slightly to look me in the eyes... « **Why do you think you're still alive?** » And she turned around...leaving me speechless with a gaping hole in my chest. I didn't insist and left to join you and hit the road.

We both got into the Rover without saying a word, I tried to focus my mind on something else, staring at the road, but Octavia's sharp words still echoed in my mind. You must have felt my discomfort...

« **Is it Octavia?** »

« **Keep your eyes on the trees.** » I didn't want to talk about it even though you were the only one who would reassure me. I continued to feel your compassionate look on me. As usual, you didn't let go... And I appreciated it more than I showed it. « **She hasn't forgiven you, has she?** » I didn't answer you, but you went on, trying to cheer me up. « **I told you it would take time.** »

« **We don't have much of that left now, do we?** » I looked at you briefly, if I held your gaze any longer, I would crack.

You didn't have time to tell me that we had to stop. The road was blocked by grounders. I informed the truck behind us with Roan and his guards not to move. It was Trikru. I thought it was a checkpoint, but you saw a wounded man.

You get out of the vehicle without me having time to hold you...

« **What is she doing?** » The others asked me on the radio.

« **Being Clarke. No one else gets out.** » I followed you, what else were you going to throw yourself into?

A warrior told you that the Azgeda had burned their village and that his father was wounded. You inspected the wound, but could do nothing about it... A child approached the truck containing Roan. We had to leave. I put you back in the Rover. But he had already seen them. We started off quickly under a shower of arrows. It was another close call. We reached another obstacle: the water had risen because of the melting ice, we couldn't cross.

Roan wanted to look for a passage. You asked me to go with him in a Rover to cover more surface more quickly. You would stay with his guards and the 2 of us to guard the hydrazine.

« **We won't be long. Eyes sharp.** ». I answered you. I didn't like leaving you out of my care, but you were right.

We found a passage in a few dozen minutes. I took the radio to warn you, but no one answered.

We ran to the car with Roan to join you.

I drove as fast as I could towards the place where we had left you. The truck was no longer there, there was obviously no one left. I was seriously starting to freak out. Where the hell were you?

I tried to reach you again and again, but no one was answering.

« **Over here!** » Roan told me as he ran towards something, a corpse wrapped in the tarpaulin of the truck floating on the surface of the water. We pulled the cloth out of the water... I hesitate a long time before checking who was inside... I didn't want to know, I was petrified at the idea of seeing your lifeless face in it.

I gather my courage… Fortunately, it wasn't you, but the most faithful guard Roan. We immediately thought it was the Trikru. Roan thought they were heading for Polis and that mine were still alive, or at least one of you. I was hopeful, right to the end. I couldn't lose you. I couldn't lose you now. Not ever.

« **We have to get to them before they get to Polis with that fuel. They'll use it to make bombs. They'll kill everyone.** » Roan said to me in the car... I had to team up with a grounder. Azgeda in addition!

« **You mean they'll use it to kill Ice Nation. All you care about is your own people.** » I pointed this out to him.

« **Yeah, like you're any better. That's all anyone cares about. Except maybe Clarke..** » he said, looking at me.

I don't know what he meant exactly. Indeed, you were one of the few people who cared about everyone. But I don't think that's what he meant. His gaze signaled to me that he was talking about me, that I cared more about you than about my people...Roan was smart. He had hit the nail on the head. I didn't answer. We arrived at the place where the Trikru had been, and they soon attacked you. Roan noticed that the truck wasn't there. So it wasn't the Trikru after all, but the Azgeda. I restarted the Rover.

We found the truck a little further away, I accelerated as hard as I could to catch up with you. The warrior in the back apparently intended to throw the gas. I reached your level so that Roan could jump into the truck.

That's when I saw you at the wheel, driving with a sharp sword at your throat. I accelerated to block your way so that I could target the man who was threatening you. You elbowed him and I was able to shoot.

You slammed on the brake with all your might and the truck stopped less than a meter away from me. You looked at me with a relieved smile. Your smile was my most beautiful landscape, my most beautiful satisfaction...I had saved you, you had saved me...it was a habit between us, we saved each other, we even saved ourselves sometimes. Together, nothing could stop us...


	37. HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE

You rode with Roan to return to the lab. Only the two of us could drive. Arrived in front of the sea, I got out of the car, staring at the horizon. I couldn't leave. I had to go back to Octavia if I had any chance left to catch up with her. I couldn't die without telling her that I loved her more than anything. I had to get her forgiveness no matter what. Choosing between her and you wasn't easy... Either way, a part of my heart would be torn out of me. But she was my sister, I couldn't leave her on such bad terms...

Roan unloaded the gasoline. You came to stand by my side... without saying a word. I would have liked to take the step that separated us from each other, to take you in my arms, never let you go. I would have liked to tell you that you were my best friend and so much more, the only person I could confide in, the only person I could say anything to without fear of being judged, the only one I really needed. I would have liked to say that I never thought I would meet such a wonderful person like you. I wanted to tell you that I loved you more than anything else, as much as my sister and maybe even more, because that love had been built up, had imposed itself on me without any obligation, without any link to the previous one, and yet there was nothing truer, purer. You mattered so much, you were that ray of sunshine that made my life still livable, which makes it still livable today.

Instead, I announced to you:« **I'm gonna take the Rover back to camp.** »

« **Octavia?** » You understood right away, maybe you had already understood. You didn't seem surprised and didn't try to stop me.

« **It's pathetic, right? She hates me but I keep coming back for more.** »

You glanced at me: « **She's your sister. She's blood.** » You looked away: « **She'll come around and see how special you are.** » I felt your gaze on me again right after, you turned it around as soon as I wanted to capture it. I believe that if it was so difficult for us to look each other straight in the eye for so long, it was because we were the perfect mirror of each other, we had endured the same suffering, the same responsibilities, the same pain... and with these words, I tell myself that we perhaps also shared the same love, the same devouring desire to throw ourselves on each other so that we would never leave each other again, to unite our bodies, our hearts, our souls... Did I finally have the right to hope? I tried to show wisdom and clairvoyance. I tried to connect the dots and reach a global vision of our situation. Most of all, I did my best to try to understand you.

What you just told me... was I that special to you? Maybe my feelings were finally shared, and we had no more time to waste... I couldn't take my eyes off you and I realized that I didn't want to risk dying without telling you how much you meant to me...how much I loved you more than my own life, the kind of love that invades every cell in your body and that you can't control. You were like the blood in my veins, you were, are my essential. You are my strength, my sunshine, my heart, my joy, my everything. I had almost lost you again that afternoon, and it happened far too often. I didn't want one of us to leave this world without you knowing how I felt. I still didn't think I was worthy, I still didn't think I deserved you. But it didn't matter, I had found the courage to tell you, I may never get this opportunity again. So I drew on all the courage I had and decided to risk our friendship to reveal to you what had haunted me for so long...

« **Clarke...** » You turned around... « **If I don't see you again…** » Here I was... I was going to say those three little words that burned my lips every time I saw you, every time I felt your look so piercing on me, every time I heard your voice or even just your first name...those three words that now defined me: I love you. I love you, because I see myself in your eyes. I see who I really am and who few people know. That reflection is really me. When I found it, I found myself. You have become half of my soul, my evidence. I will fight for you, against all odds, I will continue to be that little shoulder that will support you until you're ready, and it doesn't matter if you never are, it won't change anything.

There are some encounters that are self-evident. Beyond love at first sight, beyond desire, there is this feeling so precious, so unique, that makes us feel true love. This evidence that makes us say that life has put our soul mate on our path. True love is rare and it is the only thing that gives meaning to life. You may meet a hundred people in your life, but none of them will have really touched you. Then you meet a person and they change your life forever, for better or for worse. That person for me is you. You are my soul mate, I have no doubt about that. It's incredible and intoxicating to have found THE person. The one with whom our weaknesses become our greatest strengths, who accept our faults. Who always pushes us towards the stars, who with a single glance manages to give us hope. I couldn't tell you otherwise. I wouldn't want to lose you for anything in the world. You are the light that illuminates my life. You are like oxygen, a necessity for my life.

But you interrupted me right away: « **No. You will.** » You tried to convince me...and Roan called us because there was a problem. So I swallowed my love deep in my heart, keeping these words anchored in my soul until the perfect moment when I could finally say all this... I never thought it would be in a letter!

Did you know what I was going to tell you? Weren't you ready to hear it? Were you afraid you would have to push me away? Or was it just not the right time? I didn't know. Maybe it was better this way in the end... or maybe not. At the time I told myself that we would have other opportunities... The following months made me bitterly regret not having insisted.

We were going to join Roan who showed us that we had lost a barrel of gasoline because of an arrow... Our chances were getting really thinner and thinner. We had to be quick and find a real solution. I let you leave for sea and I went back to Arkadia... with all these things to tell you that could perhaps never be told, these words that were dancing in my head and that were still waiting to be revealed...that would wait much longer than I thought...that finally waited more than a century, and I hope one day to tell you in person...


	38. THE CLOCK IS TICKING

As soon as the black rain came in, a new chaos broke out in Arkadia... We all managed to get out of it and saved one last man who had fallen outside with Kane. Kane told me that Octavia was not there and dissuaded me from looking for her. It's true that she was smart and knew the surroundings, she would manage to find shelter. Moreover, I had no idea where she had gone.

We were undressing to disinfect our clothes when we received a radio call from a group that had gotten stuck outside in the forest. I didn't think for long before going to their rescue. I couldn't just stand by and do nothing. I took as many precautions as possible and ran to the Rover. The few raindrops that managed to reach me were burning me badly, but I wouldn't turn back. I had to make myself useful. I had to save them. I couldn't find Octavia, but I knew where they were.

Unfortunately, I couldn't reach them, a tree was blocking my road, the Rover drifted and got stuck in the mud. I was trapped. Mark was talking on the other side of the radio, his son was dying. Kane implored me to give up. I had to tell them that I couldn't come and save them... I was devastated. Mark was screaming, crying... I cracked in the Rover, hitting the dashboard as if I could hit myself... once again I had failed. All alone, I was no good at anything.

I waited for the storm to pass, my tears Mark, I got no answer. Kane tried to reassure me, to support me...

« **Bellamy... you did your best.** »

« **I failed. They're dead.** » I said, trying to contain my tears.

« **It's not your fault.** »

« **I can't protect anyone. I couldn't protect my sister. It was my responsibility, and I failed. My mom passed out. She was there. She was in my hands. She was so helpless, and now what is she? Is she even alive? What is she? I—** »

« **You didn't fail, Bellamy. You did everything you could for her. You came to the ground for her. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Your mother would be proud of the man you've become. I know I am.** »

These words comforted me a little, yet I couldn't help but retort dryly:

« **You floated my mother.** »

I didn't get an answer. I returned to Arkadia.

Kane was waiting for me at the door...

« **Still no word from Octavia. I'm sorry.** » I knew his apology had a double meaning. He was apologizing for Octavia, he was apologizing for my mother. I wasn't really angry with him actually, he was just following the rules of that era. We had all become very different when we arrived on earth. Kane had improved. He was probably the best of us, the fairest, the wisest. The male model I wish I'd had when I was younger. The one I was now trying to follow.

« **You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.** » I turned to him before returning home.

The next day, Jaha organized a ceremony to burn the dead...still too many losses. I stayed away, still feeling guilty for not being able to save Mark and his son.

Once the ceremony was over, I tried to stop Jasper who had planned to go for a little walk, apparently not caring about his safety. He even seemed to be amused by the situation. I decided to accompany him with a tent, in case the black rain started again. No way I would let him die, even if that's what he wanted.

We walked until it got dark. Jasper spouting idiocy after idiocy. I was beginning to lose my patience.

« **That's enough. That is enough!** » I said to him, catching him a little too abruptly.

« **I'm just trying to help you.** »

« **Oh, you're trying to help me. That's funny. It's late. We're leaving. Now.** »

« **Damn it, open your eyes! The clock is ticking, and it has been since we landed on this terrible.. beautiful planet.** »

« **What the hell does that mean?** » I asked, trying to understand his reasoning and why he had been acting like an idiot since the Praimfaya had been announced to us.

« **It means we are living on borrowed time, all of us.** »

« **So if you know that, why are you throwing it away?** »

« **I'm not. You are.** » I blew, he continued « **What is the point in beating yourself up over all of the-- the crappy things you've done? You did them! And-- and don't say you had reasons, because at the end of the day, at the end of the world, nobody gives a damn about your reasons, because they are your reasons. No matter how much you punish yourself, it's not gonna change anything. It's not gonna bring anyone back. The way I see it is we can spend our last days wallowing in our reasons or we can do-- we can do whatever the hell we want! Really mean it this time.** »

His speech had worked, it had touched me. Jasper in his madness was not entirely wrong. But the Bellamy who did whatever the hell he wanted no longer existed, I could no longer go back. I stood there looking at him, I thought I saw emotion in his eyes that was soon reflected in mine. Then he pointed to the tree trunk right next to me:

« **Magic beans. Remember those?** » Of course I remembered, that was the day we started to build a real relationship you and I, a real bond.

« **Hallucinegetic nuts. That's why you dragged me out here? If you think I'm taking those again, you really are crazy.** »

« **Whatever the hell you want.** » he replied, taking all the nuts he could before returning to Arkadia.

I miss Jasper, the innocent and funny Jasper of the shuttle, I miss him very much and I hope he has finally found peace where he is.

When we got back, it was a party! Really... almost everyone was celebrating...

« **Got it started without us.** »Jasper said with a smile.« **Got what started? Have Fun.** »

I looked at him while blowing, not yet convinced, but still wanted to decompress a little.

« **Come on. Everyone's gonna die, Bellamy. We can go out like them...** » He referred to depressing people... « **or like us.** » He said in the direction of the young people celebrating. « **The ending's the same, but who says the journey has to suck? I come bearing fruit!** »

He threw the nuts under the cheers of the people...

I turned in the direction of the poor people who didn't want to have fun...then a girl came to tease me. At first, I pushed her away, without really putting any effort into it, I confess. But I looked up and saw Jasper encouraging me to give in. So I joined him, accompanied by the girl whose name I didn't even know.

« **Yes! Good idea. Let someone else save the world for once.** » He said to me as he handed me a drink.

Your face appeared immediately in my thoughts. I should have gone with you after all. I was there celebrating while you were bleeding to find a solution... I didn't know how real that thought was. I hadn't even found my sister, I had left you for nothing...I could have lost you for good actually, if the Nightblood had reacted badly. I wish you could have been close to me. You probably never would have agreed to party and relax and yet you deserved it more than anyone else. I wish I could have enjoyed those last carefree moments with you. I could have found hundreds of ways to relax you, even though I know that in the end I probably never would have dared...I kept those moments to rock me in my sleep, they were only dreams that made my nights sweeter than my days.


	39. THE LUCKY ONE

The next day we learned that Kane, Jaha, and Monty had finally found a real bunker. We had to take our stuff, the bare minimum, but all the rations we could get.

However, some young people, including Jasper, didn't want to come, they preferred to stay, to face, to die.

I couldn't let that happen, no one could. Monty was as determined as I was, and he had a good reason: Harper was allowed them and Jasper was his best friend. They locked themselves in the refectory.

I tried to reason with them, but they wouldn't listen. Monty tried too, but Harper asked him to leave.

Jaha wanted to charge, even if it meant starting a civil war. It was out of the question. I tried again:

« **Jasper, people will get hurt. I know you care about that** » 

« **If you don't want anyone to get hurt, don't open the door.** » Then he left and turned up the volume of the music.

Jaha tried it in his turn: « **Mr. Jordan, I will not leave children here to die.** ». This remark annoyed me.

« **You sent them down to die. The difference now is that they have a choice. And so do you.** »

« **What are you talking about?** » Monty intervened.

« **This is what they want.** » I finally understood. We didn't want to abandon them, we didn't want them to die, but after all, it was their choice, we couldn't force them. Kane had made that clear to me with Octavia and his sentence made sense here.

« T **hey're wasted. They don't know what they want.** » He answered me.

Jaha asked the guards to remove the explosive from the door and leave. Monty didn't like that at all, but Jaha explained to him what I was trying to make him understand, and in fact, he repeated Kane's words: « **We can't save them if they don't want to be saved.** »

« **If Octavia was in there, would you let her stay?** »

« **If Octavia was in there... at least I'd get to say good-bye.** » And I went back to the guards. I had no idea that he would finally make the decision to stay, to try to bring them back...

I was about to leave when Jasper and Harper joined me.

« **Not too late to change your mind.** »

« **Yes, it is. You can still stay, you know?** » Jasper replied. « **You can still stay, you know?** »

« **I'm not a quitter.** »

« **Thanks for understanding.** »

« **Where's Monty?** » Harper asked, her voice trembling.

« **Unloading the rover. We're leaving it behind for you, by the way. He didn't say good-bye?** »

She shook her head, on the verge of tears... « **Take care of him for us, will you?** »

« **You know I will.** » And I took her in my arms...

I looked at Jasper, not knowing if I could afford to hug him as well, if he would let me... I just told him: « **May we meet again.** »

« **We won't.** » I felt the emotion overload my eyes...

« **Whatever the hell you want.** » I answered him just by smiling...and finally, we embraced each other. After all we'd been through. I will never see him again. But at least our last exchange contained no more resentment. Jasper was a good person. Our gesture broke him. I can understand that. I feel the weight of his death on my conscience, and I'm sure you and Monty do too.

What I didn't realize, however, was that Monty had finally made the decision to stay, not to die, but to wait until the last moment in case Jasper and Harper changed their minds, and he was right... He was able to support Jasper in his last moments and he was able to bring Harper back to us. In the end, Monty and Harper had a good life together, away from the wars... I envy them sometimes. I wish I could have had that chance with you.

I joined you in Polis, which had literally become a battlefield, a conclave was to take place to determine the new commander and therefore the people who could benefit from the bunker. This is what you explained to me when we were both looking at the city from the second floor of the tower:

« **The entire city is the battlefield. No time limit. No guns. One warrior from each clan fights until only one remains.** »

« **And the winner's clan takes the bunker. Just like that.** » I understood. You nodded your head. You knew as well as I did that it was hopeless. Yet I kept going: « **Without guns and without anyone trained in grounder combat, there's no way we can win.** »

You still tried to reassure me: « **Hey, we fight or we die.** »

That's when I saw Octavia coming into town. She had heard about the conclave. She was there to fight. She was our best chance, the only one who could fight like them. Still, the idea frightened me enormously. My sister may be a true warrior and an excellent fighter who now frightened more than one native, Skairipa, as they now called her, would she survive 12 other powerful warriors who had been overtrained since birth?

Je pris mon courage à deux mains, m'attendant à être encore une fois repoussé, et j'allai retrouver Octavia, qui attendait patiemment son heure.« Tu es là pour m'encourager? » Je vins m'assoir à ses côtés... « **You don't have to do this. We can find someone else to fight.** »

« **If i die, I die. At least I go down fighting.** » His expression didn't match his words. I could sense that she was terrified deep inside. She never crossed my eyes.

« **O.** »

« **Don't. This is my decision, Bell. I know what the odds are. I don't need you pointing them out.** »

That's when you arrived: « **It's time.** »

Octavia nodded and headed for the exit, but you stopped her: « **Hey. You got this.** ».

She didn't answer you and went out... But I saw in your eyes that you didn't believe it either... I join you.

« **You really think she has a chance?** ».

« **Right now, she needs to believe it.** » You answered me, honestly. You didn't lie to me, even to reassure me. You remained honest with me. In fact, I don't remember you ever lying to me once without a very good reason. The only time was at Mount Weather, and it was to protect me. Otherwise, I think we were always honest with each other. We read into each other almost like an open book, it was hard to lie openly.

So we followed her until she went on stage, accepting our seal. They were all ready, Gaia was finishing her speech when Luna burst in, announcing that she would fight ... for everyone to die.

Si Luna gagnait, personne n'aurait le bunker, personne ne survivrait, et c'était sans doute la plus forte d'entre eux. Autant dire qu'on était vraiment dans la merde !

Octavia partit se préparer, 2 personnes pouvaient rester dans la tour aux côtés des autres chefs de clans pour superviser le combat. Les autres devaient partir en zone sure. Tu essayas de nous faire comprendre qu'il ne s'agissait pas que de notre sort, mais du sort de toute l'humanité. Luna était celle qui était entrainée pour ça depuis sa naissance. Elle avait toutes ses chances.

« **You want us to cheat?** » I asked you. I could hardly believe it coming from you, but I also knew that you would do anything to ensure that the human race would survive, that our people would survive.

You were shaking your head without being sure...

Kane took the floor: « **You know the rules. If we break them, we lose, and if we lose, we die.** » Jaha continued: « **The rules are not the problem, Marcus. The game is. Even if we stop Luna, even if Octavia finds a way to win, does anyone truly believe that the grounders will accept Skaikru as the lone survivors?** »

Kane replied: « **Yes. The conclave is sacred. They'll honor the winner. Like it or not, we're all grounders now. You get our people to the safe zone. We'll have Octavia ready for the fight. The rest is - rest is up to her.** »

With these last words, they left, leaving us both alone...

« **You should go with him. I wouldn't know what to say to her.** » I told you.

You shook your head...you knew I had to go, that I would never forgive myself if I didn't. You knew me so well. Your steady gaze gave me the courage I lacked.

« **I have to help my mom get the bunker ready for whoever wins. Besides, you're her brother. You not being there is worse than saying the wrong thing.** » That's enough to convince me. I left to join Kane and Octavia in the training room, with a heavy heart and you wouldn't be near me to support me this time.

Kane tried to point out the weaknesses of each warrior. I was boiling inside and Octavia noticed it right away.

« **What, Bellamy? If you've got something to say, just say it.** »

« **You don't need any of this. When the starting horn blows, just stay out of sight and let the others thin out the competition.** »

« **You want me to hide?** » She was surprised, it must have been a disgrace for her, but it was her biggest chance...

« **You don't need to go up against the strongest warrior from every clan.** »

« **I came here to fight.** »

« **You were the girl under the floor. Use that, just like mom taught us.** » She lowered her head, but seemed to understand...

Kane went on: « **Bellamy's right. You don't have to kill all 12 warriors.** »

She finally replied, seeming to approve of our tactics: « **I just have to kill the last one.** » The three of us nodded our heads...I prayed inwardly that she would follow our plan.

They came to announce the beginning of the fight. Kane hugged her.

I didn't know how to act... It was her who approached me, I could no longer see any resentment in her eyes, just emotion... « **May we meet again.** »

I should have hugged her, but I didn't want to say goodbye. It was too hard. « **Damn right we will.** » I replied, trying to put her at ease.

And I went upstairs to join Kane, with fear in my gut.

The horn sounded several times, and the spell was cast.

Gaia came to announce the first deaths. I held my breath…

She was not my sister. Only 10 more to kill... But the Trikru had fallen. Indra's face decomposed before her daughter came to hug her.

« **Octavia's still out there.** » Kane said to me confidently.

It had the opposite effect on me, honestly, I didn't think I would ever see her again... « **Couldn't tell her I loved her, even with the world ending.** » I was only a shadow of my former self, I don't know how I managed to stand upright...

« **Trust me, Bellamy, she knows. She knows.** »

I gathered what remained of lucidity and strength to go and watch the battlefield with the binoculars... I saw a warrior being shot down, by someone who wasn't supposed to be there. Someone was cheating, Octavia was in double danger. And I knew who it was: Echo.

Kane came after me: « **Bellamy, wait.** »

« **My sister is down there. Echo is cheating, and I'm gonna stop her.** »

« **You don't even know it's her. It could be anyone down there.** »

« **We both know who it is.** »

« **Then one of Gaia's scouts will find her, and Ice Nation will be punished.** »

**« They'll never catch her. Echo's a spy. This is what she does.** »

« **You listen to me. You get caught on that battlefield, we all pay the price. They'll execute Octavia, and all our people will be left to die.** »

« **If I am right, then Azgeda has two people in this fight, and we die anyway. And you think I should just stay here and do nothing?** »

He suddenly seemed to realize that I was right.

« **No. No. You wait until dark...so you don't get caught.** » I nod.

Once night fell, I sneaked as quietly as I could onto the battlefield, looking for Echo, trying to get caught neither by scouts nor warriors. It didn't take me long to find her. I knew what I was looking for, and I could see pretty much where she was shooting from.

I arrived in the room where she was shooting from and threw myself at her. I barely managed to get the upper hand in the fight. I was about to choke her when Roan hit me.

« **I should've known you two couldn't stay away. I heard you all the way down the street. You're lucky I wasn't a scout.** »

« **I came to stop her.** » I explained. He took out his sword that threatened me and placed it in front of Echo: « **Explain yourself.** »

« **I was only trying to help save our people.** »

Roan didn't seem to like it: « **I am not my mother. I'm not willing to cast aside honor for power.** »

« **No one has to know.** »

« **You misunderstand. I will not allow your dishonor to give Luna an advantage, and you will not shame our clan ever again. You are Azgeda no more.** »

« **Sire, wait.** »

« **You're banished, Echo, and when I win this conclave--make no mistake-- there will be no place for you inside that bunker. Now get out of my sight, and off this battlefield without being seen, or know that you are the cause of the death of our people.** »

She left without further argument.

Roan turned to me: « **If you're gonna kill me, get it over with.** »

« **I take it by your presence here that your sister's still alive.** »

« **That's right.** »

« **If I call for a scout, she'll be executed right now... but what fun would that be? You really think she can win, don't you?** »

« **I wouldn't count her out if I were you. She's survived harder things than this.** »

« **Before she dies, I'll tell her she's lucky to have you as a brother**. »

« **I got a better idea. After she guts you and before you die, you tell her I was the lucky one.** »

I didn't know at that moment that she was hiding right next door and that she had heard everything. These few words, this speech to her with all my sincerity and all my heart, is what gave her the strength to go on, the strength to win...and it's surely what helped to reconcile us.

I left, discreetly, but I didn't have the time to reach the tower. I was attacked, knocked out, and taken away.


	40. WHAT I HAVE TOO, LIKE ALWAYS

I woke up in the bunker office. You were there with Jaha. It was you who kidnapped me.

I got up, still half-stunned, and walked towards you: « **What the hell did you do?** »

You looked embarrassed at me. Jaha answered to me: You looked uncomfortable at me. Jaha answered me: « **If only one clan could survive, it might as well be ours.** »

« **Clarke, you agreed to this?** » I asked you, raising my voice.

You didn't answer me, lowered your eyes filled with honesty, and wet with emotion.

« **It was her idea.** »Jaha answered me.

« **We did what we had to do** » You continued without much conviction. How could you? I mean, I could understand your reasons, they were probably justified...but my sister was out there! Kane was out there! Indra, Roan...people you liked... How could you? It wasn't you! It couldn't have been! I was terribly disappointed and there's no worse disappointment when it's caused by the person you love.

« **How could you do this? There were only four warriors left. Octavia was one of them. She might have won.** »

« **And she might not have.** »Jaha answered me.

« **Bellamy, you're right. She had a chance. But Luna was in the final four as well, which means there is an even better chance of nobody getting into this Bunker, of nobody surviving the end of the human race. Can you understand that?** »

« **Yeah, I-I can understand it. You did what you think you had to do, like always.** » I saw that my words touched you, but I couldn't stop myself anymore... My sister was outside! I took it as a betrayal even though I knew you were doing it for the general good as always... « **But you can't-you can't expect me to stay down here not knowing what happened to my sister.** »

« **We're not opening that door, son.** » Jaha intervened.

« **You know what? I must have missed the election that made you Chancellor again.** »

Your mother walked in. « **I was setting up the Infirmary, and I heard people in the corridor. Is it over? Did we win?** »

As neither of you dared to answer him, I took the floor: « **We don't know.** »

« **Where's Marcus?** »

You turned to Jaha, apparently not having the courage to tell your mother that you had decided to leave the man she loves outside.

He explained to her: « **He was in the tower. We sent some people for him, Bellamy, and Octavia. Bellamy was the only one we could get in time. I'm sorry.** »

You lowered your head, visibly not very proud of your decision.

« **Give me your radio. Marcus has his.** »

« **The walkies are no good down here.** » Jaha lied to her.

You walked to the office under Jaha's angry gaze and turned on the radio.

« **Clarke** » Jaha asked you.

« **I'm letting them say good-bye.** » You answered him without leaving room for negotiation. I don't know if that would help you feel less guilty... I was trying to get the radio to work and Jaha walked towards your mother: « **I understand your need to know, but I promise you there is nothing but more pain on the other side of that radio. The radiation levels have become critical, so people outside are already feeling the effects. Once they realize that we took this Bunker, it'll be chaos, and if we open that door, we let that chaos inside.** »

« **I understand. Now, get the hell out of my way.** » Your mother was definitely as stubborn as you are. But on the other hand, she favored the people she cared about before the survival of humanity. You were thinking about the consequences and you weren't especially wrong, I was well aware of that. Your reasoning made sense. I would have surely acted the same way if my sister was with us.

We tried tuning the radio with your mother until « **Can anyone hear me? Over. This is Octavia. Can anyone hear me, damn it?** »

I ran into the transmitter: « **O, it's me. You ok?** »

« **I'm alive. I won. Bell, what the hell did you do?** »

« **It wasn't me. But I'll fix it.** »

You go to the back of the room...

Octavia took the floor again: « **Listen to me. When I won, I decided to share the Bunker with everyone. A hundred from each Clan.** » You turned back to those words, looking at me... « **Kane is out there buying us time, helping them select their people, and Gaia somehow convinced the Scouts to lock down the Temple. But if anybody finds out that Skaikru stole the Bunker, we're all dead.** »

« **Copy that. I'm on my way.** »

At that moment, Miller and other guards entered the room. Jaha had called them in « **Turn off the radio.** »

« **Thelonious, we can save them.** »Your mother begged.

« **O, I'm gonna need some time.** »

« **Wait. What? Bellamy, they don't have t-** » The radio was turned off.

Jaha was really starting to get on my nerves. « **Did you hear her? The Grounders are listening to her now, but they won't be for much longer. I am opening that door.** »

« **I'm sorry, but right now, our people are safe. We cannot risk that.** »

« **To stop me, you're gonna have to kill me.** » And I was dead serious.

Miller tried to reason with me: « **Come on, Bellamy. It doesn't have to be like this.** » I ran anyway, but the guards threw themselves on me and knocked me out with a stun gun. The last thing I saw was you looking at me in terror. You looked paralyzed...but you did nothing to stop them. I couldn't count on you this time.

I woke up chained in the turbine room. Chained to the pipes. I pulled as hard as I could, screamed... I was a mess! But that was nothing compared to the fact that my sister was out there dying when we could have saved her.

Murphy came to see me, he had been assigned to watch me. Probably because you knew that his instinct to survive was stronger than any other loyalty.

« **Bellamy, what the hell are you doing? You're just hurting yourself.** »

I got up immediately and begged him: « **Murphy. Murphy. Untie me. Please.** »

« **Murphy, Murphy** »

« **I can't do that. Look, I'm-I'm sorry about your sister-** » I didn't let him finish and shot the chain screaming:

« **You let me go!** »

« **Hey, I can't, ok?** **You haven't changed. You only care about yourself. »** I was beside myself... **« You haven't changed. You only care about yourself.** »

« **You're wrong.** » He seemed to be touched by my remark. « **Look, this is only gonna be for a few days.** »

« **She'll be dead in a few days!** »

« **Y** **eah. I'm sorry.** » And he left me standing there, still screaming with all my strength trying to break the chain.

« **Aah! Murphy! Let me out!** »

A few hours later, your mother came in, which is what I wanted. She was the only one on my side. I had managed to hurt myself enough that she could come and heal me.

« **It's about time. I didn't do this to my wrists for fun.** » She stared at me for a few moments and understood.

« **You want me to help you open the door.** »

« **Abby, I saw your face when you heard my sister's voice on the radio. Kane's out there.** »

« **You don't think I know that?** » She became angry.

« **Do better today than we did yesterday. That's what he told me. That's how we deserve to survive.** » That's all it took to convince her. She quickly helped me get out of there and put Murphy to sleep.

« **He'll be fine.** »

« **He's not our problem. The airlock control is in the main office. So is Jaha. You have a plan for that, too?** »

« **Yeah.** **Open the damn door or die trying.** »

Moments later, Abby entered Jaha's office and got close enough to stick a needle in his leg. She opened the back door for me.

She didn't seem 100% relaxed, however.

I wanted to reassure her: « **Abby, I promise you, Octavia won't let anything happen to Clarke, and neither will I.** » I must confess that I wasn't sure about Octavia, but I was sure that I would fight for your safety as much as I was fighting for my sister. I wasn't mad at you. I would have been angry at the whole world, but not at you. I couldn't. There was the constant struggle you had with your distress and your need to control in anticipation of the fear of always having to lose everything.

« **Let's do this.** »

She took care of the hatch and asked me to go next door. I had to fight off a few guards, but I arrived at the penultimate door when I saw you running towards me. The door opened and I began to climb the steps leading to the trap door.

« **Bellamy, stop.** » you shouted, pointing your gun at me.

I must confess that you were very convincing and I knew that you were capable of anything to save your people. I had seen you do it with Finn and I thought you were right of course. As I told you, Octavia wouldn't have been on the other side and I would have agreed with your point of view. But I was counting on the unique bond I felt between us to bring you to your senses.

« **We don't have time for this. The radiation is getting worse and people are dying up there.** » JI walked up a step and you shot right in front of me. I looked at you, scared... I knew it was risky and that people would try to stop me. Like I told your mother, if I had to die trying to save my sister and the people outside, then I would die. But I never thought for a second that it would be at your hand. I could not measure or understand my pain. It had no substance or consistency, it had no smell... To die by your hand would be the worst of all. Or maybe the worst would be to live with your hatred... No, I wasn't to think about it. Neither one nor the other. I had to keep my faith. « **Clarke, what are you doing?** »

I felt that you were trying to contain yourself, to hold back your tears, to appear strong and cold...

« **What I have to, like always. Now, get away from the door.** »

« **No. This isn't like shutting the Dropship door or pulling the lever in Mount Weather or the City of Light.** » The mention of these sad memories only filled your eyes with sadness... « **We knew what we were stopping then. Now we know nothing.** »

« **We know that if that door stays shut, the human race survives.** »

The tears were close to flowing now, but you seemed determined. « **Please.** » You begged me. I had the impression that you were going through an unbearable ordeal.

« **You're gonna have to make it a kill shot. It's the only way you're gonna stop me.** » I was apologizing with my eyes, but I was also trying to pass on to you all my incomprehension, all my hope, all my love...

You kept staring at me, but now you let tears flow down your pretty face, torn by this decision you had to make again... Me or the human race, our almost entire people... From the look on your face, I sincerely thought that you were going to make this sacrifice and shoot. You were shaking, crying. Strangely enough, I was patiently waiting for my time to come without adding anything. What else could I have said? Admit that I loved you right now and destroy you for the rest of your life by adding an extra burden to your guilt? Octavia's life would be destroyed anyway. And then, if you were able to shoot me, if I was so insignificant to you...what would be the point of staying alive? You could break my heart into little pieces that I would still like to pick up and put them back in your hands. Pathetic isn't it? You had let your mother hang herself a few weeks earlier to prevent ALIE from controlling everyone? You always made sure you were acting for the good of humanity, not your own personal good. What were my chances now? There were no rules or laws, everyone had to follow the voice that came from their heart, or focus on the voice of their reason... choose the inner path that knew, or choose the path of reason that succeeded in silencing it. Yet you lowered your weapon, crying more and more. I left you there and rushed to open the door before you changed your mind. You had chosen me...you had chosen to spare me and risk the lives of others. You could have at least shot one place without any risk, in the leg or arm, just to weaken me and give the guards time to stop me... But you didn't even hurt me. You didn't even hurt me. You just put the gun down and cried. You were making that sacrifice...for me. I couldn't understand how you managed to take it upon yourself to spare me, to let me risk everything... but the wheel that turns shows us that the direction we should take is the opposite of the one that could have destroyed us, right? Would this gesture have ended up finishing you off as much as I did? I had no time to interpret this gesture. Not right away. I counted for you, it was sure now. But now I had to open that trap door. I didn't want to take the slightest risk that you would change your mind.


	41. I’LL JOIN YOU

As soon as Octavia saw me, she threw herself into my arms. « **Oh, I knew you'd come through.** » There was no trace of resentment in her voice. She seemed relieved, happy to be in my arms, grateful. It was so good for me. After all we'd been through in the last few months, we were finally reconciled. I had found my sister. I could feel it. I had no regrets about opening that trap door.

« **I love you so much.** » I said to her. She did not answer but tightened her embrace and I felt her tears streaming down my neck.

Indra interrupted us: « **Octavia, they're here.** »

Octavia stood in front of them and said: « **Oso laik Wonkru, And this is our home.** »

She grabbed Indra's sword and placed it in front of Echo's throat: « **Everyone except you.** » Echo looked like a frightened, fragile blow. It was the first time I had seen her so scared, even more so than when Roan had banished her in front of me. She had reason to be, suspecting that my sister would have no pity for the woman who almost killed her by stabbing her on the edge of that cliff.

« **We had a deal. You said-** »

« **I said your people would live. I didn't say anything about you.** »

Octavia spoke to her again in a whisper, low enough so that no one could hear.

« **Be thankful knowing your banishment will be short.** » Indra added.

« **Praimfaya awaits.** » Echo ended as she left the room.

« **Welcome home.** » Octavia addressed the clan chiefs.

Several tens of minutes later, we were gathered in the office to distribute the bunker. Jaha didn't seem to like it:

« **You call this justice?** »

« **I call this making things right, thanks to my brother.** » He turned to you: « **You let this happen. How many of us have to die?** » You didn't answer, visibly embarrassed, ashamed. I didn't know exactly what you were talking about, but you were uncomfortable and didn't answer. Did you regret letting me open the door?

« **You're lucky it’s not all of you** » Indra answered.

« **Lucky ?** »

Kane resumed: « **We have 100 spots. The other clans have all chosen their survivors. We have to do the same.** »

« **100\. We have over 4 times that.** »Jaha noticed.

« **A pain that all clans feel.** »

« **Is this what you wanted?** » He asked you, still trying to make you feel guilty as if everything rested on you. What would he have wanted? For you to kill me?

« **No one wanted this.** »

Octavia got angry: « **Want's got nothing to do with this! Skaikru gets 100 beds,** **same as everybody else.** **Bellamy gets one of them. The rest is up to you.** **The death wave** **comes in 24 hours.** **You've got 12 to decide.** » And she left us in the office with Jaha, Kane, and your mother. Soon the main room turned into a nightmare. Our people were forced out of their room and locked in the hallway. We came out of the office to see the state of total panic...

« **Three out of four** **of these people are going to die tonight.** **You still think you made** **the right choice?** » Jaha told us.

No one answered him.

We went back to the office where your mother had just received the radio call from Raven, who had managed to get through. Abby had promised her that she would send a team to pick her up.

Jaha spoke: « **Our people** **are scared, Marcus. We need to tell them something.** »

« **We just** **spoke with Raven.** **When she gets here, we'll have all our essential personnel** »

« **How many spots does that leave us with?** » You asked.

« **Including** **the essential personnel** **and the places that we're holding for the children under 16, that leaves us with 80.** »

« **80** » You said again...shocked...

I also lowered my eyes... Jaha resumed: « **I can't believe** **we're talking about sending** **364 of our own people to their deaths.** »

You intervened: « **We're lucky they're giving us any space in this bunker at all.** »

« **Look. I don't like it any more than you do.** » Kane wanted to say something, but Jaha cut him off: « **Then let’s fight this!** »

« **No. Any sort of resistance will cost us all our lives. Our best course of action is to hold a lottery for the remaining spots.** »

You blew and took your head in your hands, overwhelmed by all this. My instincts pushed me to want to reassure you, even if I wasn't myself, to calm you down, to take you in my arms... But hadn't you just pointed a gun at me?

Jaha continued: « **It's not going to work, Marcus.** »

« **It was your idea.** »

« **That was for the chance to survive.** »

« **And how is this any different?** » Abby asked him.

« **Until 20 minutes ago, our people believed they were safe. They let down their guard. They picked their bunks. They unpacked their bags. They imagined their futures. You try to rip that from them now, and, believe me, they will fight.** »

You were breaking down more and more, probably on the verge of cracking up. I knew that look, you could look strong in front of others, but I knew what you felt inside. You were at your worst. How can I blame you when I saw you so helpless?

« **No one's saying it's gonna be easy, but we need to make the people listen to reason.** »

I couldn't take it anymore either, I needed some air and I won't give up on Raven: « **Someone still needs to get raven. I'd like to volunteer.** »

I wasn't looking at you yet I immediately felt your reaction, you immediately turned to me: « **And I'll join you.** »

« **No. Someone else can go with him.** ». Your mother immediately protested.

« **Mom, look, raven needs our help. I know the way to the island. I need to do this.** » You needed to escape from here too, or to redeem yourself. Or maybe you were afraid that I would fail and not come back. You were so frail for those few dozen minutes...elsewhere...you who used to be so self-confident, now you seemed to doubt everything. It was as if having spared me had made you realize something...had opened your eyes to a truth that you had buried deep inside you.

« **Well, you be safe. There'll be a place for both of you when you get back.** » Kane came to tell us, taking me by the shoulder in a friendly manner.

« **I'll meet you in the airlock.** » Your mother surrendered.

So we went to get dressed in the radiation suits. Your mother came to give us the last recommendations and told us that we had 11:00 p.m. to come back.

« **I love you, Clarke. Don't ever forget that.** »

« **This isn't good-bye.** » you answered her, no doubt to reassure her, I knew that inside you were terrified. I knew it because I was in the same state. « **Mom, I know what you saw in that vision, but I'm a Nightblood now, I mean, right? Maybe it worked.** »

« **Clarke, listen to me. I told you there were no good guys, but that's not true. There are. You are.** » She was right, you are one of the best people I have ever met, one of the most selfless. You may have made a few mistakes, but you were human after all, who wasn't? And you learned from every mistake you made, making you stronger, fairer...I may not be very objective when I think of you, but that's really what I think. You are perfect Clarke, I accept you as a whole person fully and unconditionally. I cherish every facet of your personality.

You may not have been connected to me as much as I wanted, but I thought I could safely say that you were my best friend. And your friendship had exceeded my expectations. Your friendship was full of surprises as you had proven to me a few hours earlier. It made me dream, it gave me hope, it still made me want to continue to stay on this Earth and fight to the end so that I could dedicate my victory to you.

I didn't dare to look at you, but I felt your gaze on me.

You then added: « **Even though I didn’t want to open the door?** »

« **Yes,** **There was no good choice.** »

« **There never is.** » you replied in a trembling voice, certainly reminding yourself of the dreadful choices you had been forced to make.

You embraced each other and I tried to be as discreet as possible so as not to break that moment. When it was over, you looked at me with your face full of tears and then quickly turned your head away, probably ashamed... There was something more and more intimate in the intention that you put in your eyes towards me. Your gaze was more and more intense and I wanted to drown in it.

« **Take care of each other.** » Abby told me with a look that spoke volumes.

« **Yes, ma'am.** » She knew I would do anything to protect you. She knew. Yet I broke my promise...

Murphy opened the door and informed us that he and Emori would come with us to help us. Emori knew the island like the back of her hand. It was mostly to have a better chance of being among the survivors of the bunker. 

You and Emori went forward and I held Murphy by the arm: « **What are you really up to, Murphy?** » I didn't trust him, not totally.

« **You killed us when you opened that door. You know that, right? You killed us when you opened that door. You know that, right? Oh, what, did you think our people are gonna waste a spot on Emori, on me? We were safe, and you screwed us. You want to know what we're up to? It's called surviving. There's a bunker on that island. You're our ride. That's it.** »

« **That bunker’s not stocked, Murphy. You won't last 5 months, let alone 5 years.** »

« **No. We probably won’t. At least we'll survive the death wave. We can't all be essential personnel or have a sister who’s queen of the grounders.** » Then he left to join you, I followed him and we took the road to Raven without suspecting that there would be no way back.


	42. I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU

We took the road, the two of us at the front, Murphy and Emori at the back. The atmosphere was tense, we didn't say a word to each other. My mind was racing around...what you had done in the bunker... We had gone through a lot of ordeals together, too many hardships...

Of course, you had pointed a gun at me and I was very angry at you for wanting to leave my sister outside. But you had spared me. You chose to risk the survival of humanity, the survival of our people, to let me live. Why did you do it? Was I as important to you as you were to me? You killed Finn, whom you seemed to love, to save our people, you killed him with our own hands. From what I learned, you chose to return to Arkadia the morning Lexa died. You chose to go back to where it was chaos when you had a safe place in Polis, near the woman you said you loved...to help your people. You also chose to let your mother hang herself before your eyes rather than prove ALIE right. Your mother, the woman who gave you life.

But in that bunker, while you were pointing your gun at me to prevent me from opening the door to guarantee our people a safe life, you could not shoot. You couldn't sacrifice me. It tormented my mind so much. So many questions. You could also have just hurt me enough to keep me out of harm's way. But you didn't either. You knew I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my sister on the surface, that it would kill me slowly. You spared me, totally. You let me open that door with all the disastrous consequences that were waiting behind. You risked everything for me. Why did you do it? There was only one possible reason...

I had to do something to stop thinking about it, I had to focus on the road, on the mission. It was easier to blame you. In fact, no, I could never hold on much longer, it was impossible for me to stay angry with you, especially when I realized the inner sacrifice you had made. When you love as I love you, you can forgive as many times as you need to. The heart has no memory when it comes to its reason for beating.

I had to speak up, break this cold, confront you, try to find out more...

« **Why did you come on this mission, Clarke?** » I asked you coldly, looking straight ahead.

« **Raven's my friend.** »

« **Yesterday, you were fine leaving your friend out to die, my sister,Kane…** » I wasn't looking at you... I had to tell you how I felt, I had to know if it was really what you wanted even though I already knew the answer. I didn't want to make you suffer more, but I couldn't help but confront you. I had to clear the air so that we could move on. I hated it so much when it was cold between us. I was exhausted. Hot and cold. One step forward and two steps back. That's what our daily life was like and I put up with it less and less.

« **I wasn't fine with it, and you know that.** »

We were talking without looking at each other... I knew that I couldn't blame you for one more minute if I plunged my eyes into yours, reading all your suffering... You wanted to say something, I could see it. Your eyes were wet but nothing was flowing. There was something you weren't telling me. And I knew it because I was used to playing the same game. Then you added, the voice broken by the tears you had been holding back for too long: « **Bellamy, I never meant to hurt you.** » You were genuine. I knew it. I saw it in your devastated look when you put the gun down. To tell the truth, it was the first time I had seen so much regret and suffering in your eyes...yet these are two emotions I used to share with you. It was normal to feel bad you know, it had nothing to do with weakness. You've gotten up several times and today you're stronger. Love is a strength but it can also hurt a lot and become a weakness. You learned this at your own expense, just like me. And yet I wouldn't want to suppress this feeling for anything in the world because it is the most beautiful thing in the world.

« **Aiming a gun at me is a strange way of showing it.** » What more could I say? Thank you for sparing me and risking the lives of our people? You pointed a gun at me, but the fact that you spared me proved to me that I mattered to you and that's all I get out of it? ...Yeah, no.

« **I didn’t pull the trigger.**. »

« **Is that supposed to make it ok?** »

« **Nothing is ok. Whatever choice I make, somebody always dies.** »

It was too much for me. I couldn't play this anymore, I couldn't put you through this. You had suffered enough and you had to punish yourself more than anyone else could have done. If we were living our last hours, I didn't want us to be in conflict one more second. I needed to reassure you, to let you know that you could count on me, that I wasn't mad at you.

« **Well, not shooting me, that was the right choice.** » We finally decided to glance at each other. I smiled at you and you smiled back at me while remaining sorry... When you were there, I didn't think of anything else, because when you were there, I didn't need anything else... You looked away quickly, but I couldn't avert my gaze... And we almost had an accident, so taken by you that I had forgotten the road. Someone was standing on the road. We ran over him and the truck ran straight into a tree. It probably wouldn't work anymore.

« **He just jumped right out in front of us. It's like he wanted to die.** » You noticed.

« **Stay here. I'm gonna check the damage.** »

No sooner had the door opened than I was attacked by grounders. They were coming from all sides, trying to take off our suits. We were in a very bad position, they clearly had the advantage over us, but someone arrived on horseback and shot several arrows at them. It was Echo.

« **There might me more of them. We should get going.** »

« **Echo, what are you doing here?** » I asked her. Her face was beginning to show the signs of radiation.

« **I just saved your lives. I'm hoping you will return the favor.** »

« **Unless we can get another ride, no one's making it to that island.** »

I was trying to reach Monty on the radio while you were helping Echo put on a suit.

Monty was our one and only chance. He finally got back to me so I explained that we needed him even though it was risky.

« **We're on our way. Tell us exactly where you are.** »

Emori started coughing. You immediately checked what was wrong and Murphy ran to her.

« **Uh, you’ve been exposed.** », You tell her. « **How's that possible? She's wearing a suit.** » Murphy asked you. You stuttered, looking for an explanation.

« **The seal of her helmet's torn.** » You found it fairly quickly.

« **Can you fix it?** » She asked you.

We couldn't, but Murphy got angry: « **So we give her the extra suit, then.** »

« **We don't have another suit.** »

« **Yes, we do!** »

He turned to Echo: « **Take it off now.** »

« **I saved your life.** »

« **What were you gonna do if we didn’t get attacked, huh? I mean, you guys seriously think she was following us out of the kindness of her own heart?** **No. She was gonna attack us the second that we stopped. Give me the suit.** »

I put myself in the way to block his way. « **No** »

« **What?** »

« **Look. You cut that suit, and it saves no one.** »

« **I'm not letting her die.** » He told me more calmly. And I could understand him.

« **Neither am I.** » You suddenly added. I knew right away that you were going to do something I wasn't going to like again.

You took off your helmet in front of everyone's shocked eyes, especially me, I think.

« **Clarke, what are you doing?** » Definitely I was going to end up dying of anxiety and not of radiation!

« **I have Nightblood.** »

« **Untested Nightblood.** » I reminded you, trying to make you see reason.

« **We're testing it now.** » You answered me without much conviction. « **Take off her helmet.** », You asked Murphy, who didn't ask for a second time. I took a few moments to catch my breath, my calmness...

« **There. Quick.** » You told her...

You didn't have protection anymore... I watched Murphy save Emori, the girl he loved, while I risked losing you once again. I know it's selfish, but I didn't want you to give her your helmet, I wanted you to stay alive at all costs..... « **Bellamy, you there? Come in.** » Monty took me out of my thoughts.

« **Yeah. We're here. Head northeast from polis, and, Monty, drive fast.** » I said to him without turning my frightened eyes away from your exposed face.

I was waiting for Monty, looking towards the horizon, I didn't dare to glance at you. It was you who joined me.

« **We have to talk about it.** » You said to me, knowing that I would understand immediately.

« **Missed the window. Continue on to the island, we won’t make it back.** »

« **What about them?** » You said, pointing at Murphy, Emori and Echo. « **Do we just save ourselves?** »

« **Clarke, if Nightblood works, we need to get you to Polis, them, too. We pull in as many people as we can before the death wave hits. If your mom can make us all Nightbloods, we only need to stay down there until it passes. We can still save everyone.** »

« **Just not Raven.** »

I understood that you wouldn't give up. Our eyes were lost in each other again...trying to find THE miracle solution, trying to comfort each other. Honestly, I wanted to save Raven, but I didn't want to risk your life. I could have spent my last hours there, our souls intertwined in a gaze deeper than the Milky Way, totally captivated by your whole being, rid of the darkness we had chained ourselves to until today...Come to think of it, it would have been a beautiful death.

So I told myself that I had to try, to try one last time to make you forget your fear...one last time, to make you understand that I won't let you go. That you were my priority...

Monty and Harper arrived at that moment, interrupting our silent conversation and my confession, which was only asking to pass the door from my lips.

We rushed to load the car. I was going to help Echo who was still fragile to get into the truck when you started coughing, coughing up blood... I was tetanized. I couldn't react. I watched you bleed to death, helpless. Obviously, Nightblood wasn't the solution. And you were going to pay the ultimate price. No way was I going to watch you die right there in front of me. Dying next to you, I could have gotten used to the idea. Dying before you, knowing you were safe, I wouldn't have minded...but watching you die...watching the life slowly escape from your body when we still had so much to discover, to share, to love...I won't survive it.

« **Clarke, you need to put on the suit. It was for Jasper.** » Monty proposed to you sadly. « **At least now it'll do some good. You should put it on. Jasper would want you to. If we're still gonna make it to the island, we better--** »

« **We're not going to the island.** » I cut him off. We wouldn't make it in time. I wanted to keep you safe even if it meant that the rest of our friends here might not have a chance to survive. I forgot about everything else, Raven, our friends... I just wanted to save you. My heartbeat was beating so fast it made me dizzy. All I felt was the adrenaline of fear of losing you.

« **Yes, we are.** » You step in.

« **Clarke...** »

« **Nightblood doesn't work.** »

« **We don’t know that yet. Luna got sick before she got better, so--** »

« **even if you're right, they won't let us all into the bunker if I'm still sick. It took days for Luna’s resistance to kick in, and by that time, the death wave will already be here, and all our friends will be dead. Are you ok with that?** » You knew it wasn't, but I couldn't risk our lives by going to the island, your life... If you only knew how much I regretted not forcing you back into that bunker when I was on the ring. Of course, our friends, my family now, would have all died, but I would have saved you, we would have been together... I had to convince you. We had no other choice anyway.

« **You know I'm not. Clarke, unless I am missing something, there is no other way for all of us to survive.** »

« **What if there is?** »

You had an idea. Going into space...it was crazy, but it could work. Raven probably could. Besides, it was the only way to save all of us. We had to try, for them, for us, for you. If it worked, the idea of being stuck in space for five years almost alone with you enchanted me more than ever. I will finally have the time to dedicate myself to our relationship, to really test your feelings, which I think today were reciprocal...to tell you and to prove to you everything my heart and soul were made of: my love for you...and you will soon realize that the word LOVE is very weak compared to what I really feel...yes, it could have been really perfect. We would almost have nothing else to think about, nothing more dramatic to worry about, just us... My captivity at your side would be a delight, a promise of a beautiful tomorrow, a horizon whose contours I could see and that I had never known, the borders of a new country that would be called love, happiness, peace. It was worth a try! If I had known...if only I had had the slightest idea that you would not be part of this trip, I would have brought you back to this bunker by force!


	43. ONE LAST HUG

We arrived at the lab where we found a Raven very surprised to see us, thinking that we had abandoned her.

« **What are you doing here?** »

« **We're not leaving you behind.** » I answered her.

« **But there's no time to get back.** »

« **We're not going back. We're going up.** »You told him with a smirk.

« **Oh, don’t look so surprised. It was all your crazy idea to begin with.** » Murphy continued.

« **Space? Uh, we don't have enough fuel to get down.** »

« **Sounds like a 5-year problem to me.** » Harper replied.

« **You're talking about the ring.** »

« **Seems like a shame to let a good rocket go to waste.** » I was kidding.

« **Uh, how do we live?** »

« **They left a water reclamator there, and we know that go-sci has an algae farm. We just get those two things up and running, and we have food and water.** » You explained to her.

« **Algae salads and recycled urine. Sign me up.** » Murphy ironically replied.

« **Better than dying.** » Emori retorted.

« **Yeah. You say that now.** »

« **All right. Slow down. Breathing's important, too. What's the plan for oxygen?** » Raven asked again.

Monty then took the floor: « **Based on what Murphy says about the lighthouse bunker, I'm guessing— make that praying— there’s an oxygenator there. We take it with us. You hook it up. Bob's your uncle.** »

« **You’re an engineer, Monty. You do know there’s about a thousand things wrong with that plan, right?** »

« **Yes, and every one of them kills us. Of course, staying here will kill us, too, so--** »

« **Raven, we need you to get us off the ground before the death wave hits. What do you say? Can you do it?** » I finally asked her.

We all looked at her and she did the same on all of us...then she went to the computers....

« **What do I say?** »

We looked at each other while waiting for her answer...

« **I say that death wave can kiss my ass.** »

« **Good. It's settled, then. We're going back to the ark.** » You announced.

While Raven was setting up the organization, we decided to call the bunker to explain everything to them. I will talk to Octavia first and you can say goodbye to your mother afterwards.

« **5 Years. Can you really survive up there?** »

« **Raven says we can. As soon as it's safe, we'll find a way back down. We will meet again.** »

« **I'll be waiting...under the floor.** »

« **You're not that little girl anymore.** »... She didn't answer. « **What is it, O?** »

« **I'm not sure I'm up for this, Bell. They look at me like I know what I'm doing just because I won a fight.** »

« **They look at you like that because you saved them. But it won't last. Now you have to lead.** »

We looked at each other while waiting for his answer…

« **How? I'm not a leader. It should be you or Clarke or --**.»

« **O, stop. Neither of us could've done what you did, and it wasn't just winning a fight. You gave people hope when there was none. You're -- you're Prometheus, stealing fire from the gods and giving it back to the human race.** »

« **Prometheus got chained to a rock so that eagles could eat his liver.** »

« **Thanks for ruining my metaphor, O.** » I replied with a smile. We had finally reconnected and perhaps we were stronger and more solid than before.

« **I love you, big brother.** » We were. « **Guess it takes the end of the world for me to say it.** » I was happy, a feeling of relief overwhelmed me... after so many years, so much sacrifice made for her... my sister. I could be at peace now. I hadn't failed.

I told her I loved her, but the signal was lost. All I could hear was sizzling... I didn't know if she had heard that I loved her. But she knew. I hoped she never doubted it.

« **May we meet again.** » I whispered... as if she could hear me.

I suddenly realized that I didn't know if I could ever talk to her again and melancholy took over me.

« **Hey...** » You step into the room... And I suddenly realized you couldn't talk to your mother. I felt so sorry for you... The disappointment you would feel took hold of me as if I was in your shoes.

« **Hey. Do you have her?** » I didn't answer, not knowing what to say to comfort you... « **Bellamy?** » You understood that something was wrong.

I got up ...walked slowly towards you: « **The radio's dead, won't get to say good-bye to your mom.** » What more could I have said? I saw your lines decaying one by one, the pain invading the light of your eyes... « **I'm sorry,** » I added as you looked up at me with your eyes increasingly filled with tears and sadness. I couldn't say anything more so I walked closer and took you in my arms. You wrapped your hands behind my waist and held me tight. You cracked, letting your tears flow. You knew you could. There was no safer place for you than in my arms and I think you knew it. With me you could let go, you could shed all the tears your body could hold, I never thought you were weak. On the surface of my skin rowing through your tears, I could almost feel your pain, your suffering, your bruised heart. I would hold tightly the soft strands of hair you had braided behind your head, my fingers could feel the skin on the back of your neck... You buried your head deeper into the hollow of my shoulder...I would stay my embrace and try to hold my breath to yours to soothe you. We needed each other, it was true more than ever. Our bodies were moving perfectly together, but I've known that for a long time, since our first embrace.

We needed each other to manage difficult situations, to support each other, to fight... But we also needed each other at times like that. It was only with you that I allowed myself moments like that and I knew that it was mutual. I wish I could have dried your tears, but I couldn't and it broke my heart as much as yours to know you were so sad and so bad. My only desire was to break into tears as well but I had to stay strong for you. Yet, this impression I had of myself as a strong person was breaking down more and more with every moment I shared with you. You were breaking my shell like no one else could. I welcomed you fully, I welcomed you in all your vulnerability. I totally understood what you could feel and I felt it for several years afterward. Except that you were not there to comfort me. You were the reason for my suffering.

You made me feel like your rock, your essential, the most important person you had left... And then I wondered again if my feelings weren't finally reciprocal...or if I was just there in the right place...but something told me that they weren't. There was something in our hugs that was unsurpassed, alchemy that I can't describe...as if we became one...as if the invisible thread that bound us together was the strongest and most impressive one in the whole universe. Each of our embraces made me feel as if I was joining you in what you were, in what you were going through. The warmth that emanated from our two bodies against each other reflected the blind trust we had in each other. I had the impression of mixing my being with yours in the purest possible way, there was something cosmic about it...and that embrace was magical, fusional, almost unreal, as sad as the circumstances could be...

Unfortunately, you didn't have more time to deal with all that. Murphy interrupted us...

« **Clarke, Bellamy, get down here.** » You moved back, looked at me briefly, strangely embarrassed by the strength and the deep intimacy of this embrace... and we went down to join them.

We all positioned ourselves in front of the screen... and we witnessed the destruction of Polis live. The wave of radiation had reached them. Then the screen became blurred. It was over.

I was immediately overwhelmed with grief and worry, as we all were. Knowing that the wave was coming was one thing. Seeing it unfold live was another. There was definitely no turning back now.

It was hard for all of us to catch our breath.

Raven spoke first: « **It's 210 miles from Polis to the island. According to what was our last drone, the wave is accelerating. If we're not off the ground at least 20 minutes before it hits, the electromagnetic charge in the pyroclastic cloud will shut down the rocket's avionics, meaning it won't fly. That gives us 90 minutes to run a 6-hour preflight check, retrieve the oxygen generator from the lighthouse, turn a cockpit designed for two into one that can carry 8, and load the cargo hold with enough food to keep us from starving in space while we wait for algae to bloom.** »

We all became aware of the suicide mission we were about to undertake. « **I thought you said it was gonna be hard.** » Murphy replied, always with a touch of irony.

« **That's not the hard part. Becca designed her rocket to dock with Polaris, not the ark. That means I have to pilot it into the hangar bay on the ring.** »

« **What's so hard about that?** » Harper asked.

« **That's not the hard part, either.** »

« **What is the hard part, Raven?** » You asked her, losing your patience.

« **Assuming we blast off in time, CO2 scrubbers on a two-person rocket won't support 8 of us.** »

« **So we use supplemental oxygen.** »

« **Our tanks only hold an hour of air.** » Monty explained.

« **Correct. We'll have one hour to get into orbit, land in the hangar bay, and fire up the life-support system using an oxygen generator built to supply a lighthouse bachelor pad.** »

« **You suck at talking people into things. You know that, right?** »Murphy replied.

« **Anyone here still need to be talked into this?** » I asked.

Everyone shook their heads. We had no other choice anyway.

« **Good. Now we know the many ways we might die today, why don't you tell us what we have to do to live?** »

Everybody nodded their heads and Raven displayed the countdown in a big way before explaining exactly what to do. We made several teams in order to divide up the tasks and get it done as quickly as possible, one way or another...


	44. I'VE GOT YOU FOR THAT

Raven took care of the rocket. Emori and Echo had to load the food and transform the cockpit for 8 people. Monty and Murphy took care of the generator. The two of us had to check the calculations for the algae farm.

I watched Emori and Echo load the rocket and realized what an incredible feat it must have been for them...what a shock!

I could hear you doing the calculations behind me without really paying attention. You were quickly joining me when you noticed that my mind was elsewhere.

« **Grounders in space, it's an oxymoron.** » I told you. « **Survival's a team sport, especially up there. It was the only choice. Only choice, also an oxymoron, by the way.** » You answered me with a beautiful smile...

God I loved to see you grinning. No wonder of nature or space could match your smile and bright eyes. Your smile is rare, but pure as the sky and I felt the luckiest man to be often the recipient of such a precious wonder. I realized then that on earth or in space, it didn't matter to me... You were my house. It was near you that I felt at home, in my place, immersed in your gaze. Every human aspires to happiness and its flakes of joy in the eyes. Deep down, it's that happiness who guides us, everything was hanging by a thread.

Nevertheless, I noticed that your condition had not improved...you had a fever, you were sweating. I wiped a drop off your forehead, taking care to caress your cheek and fold your hair as you passed by. I lingered tenderly on every millimeter of your skin. An instinctive, tender, soft, natural gesture ... There was nothing platonic about this gesture and I hope you were aware of it.

« **So is cold sweat.** » I said at the same time to explain my move.

Your smile then disappeared and you lowered your eyes.

« **Still holding out hope for that Nightblood solution.** »

You didn't seem to share my optimism... « **There was never any solution. ALIE was right about that.** »

« **Our fight is not over.** »

« **My mom had a vision of me dying, just like the one Raven had that told her there was a rocket here.** »

What were you trying to tell me? We weren't doing all this so that I would watch you die when you got to the top. No way.

« **It is not the same thing.** » I didn't even want to think about it.

« **Yeah. They were both EMP'd.** »

« **And Abby will be fine, too. Raven told her how to stop it.** »

« **That's not what I'm talking about.** » JI knew right away, that was the problem. You wanted to make me understand that you were going to die. No fucking way.

You were strengthening your gaze towards me, penetrating my mind and my heart, capturing all my attention... « **If anything happens to me--** »

« **Nothing is happening to you.** » I answered, holding you by the shoulders. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to think about it, it was just not an option. I wouldn't live without you! Why didn't you realize this? You didn't want to have this conversation a few days earlier. We wouldn't have it now either. It wasn't beautiful enough, not perfect enough... Too sinister...We would have 5 years to make it more pleasant.

Then I went back to the machines to change the subject: « A **Come on. Let's run these water numbers again.** » But you were much more stubborn than I was...you didn't go through with it.

You followed me ... « **Please, Bellamy, I need you to hear this.** »

And I couldn't refuse anything to you...and then, good or bad, I'll be dying to hear what you had to tell me, praying inwardly that your words would be in symbiosis with my feelings... Telling me that in the end, it would probably be easier if the first step came from you.

My breath stopped for a moment. I didn't want to think about your death...no, I didn't. But I wanted to know what you were going to tell me. Was it finally the moment I've been waiting for all this time? I didn't want to hope for anything, I wanted to be close to you, no matter what, I will respect your choice... But if there was any chance that you had the same expectations I had, that you cared about me as much as I cared about you... Then I wanted to know.

I turned to you, full of emotion. I couldn't speak. I intertwined my gaze with yours, totally subjugated.

You were there, in front of me, lazily fragile and vulnerable. You seemed to search for your words and contain your emotions as well.

« **We've been through a lot together, you and I.** » You raised your eyes with half a smile. Once my eyes hung on to yours, I didn't respond to anything...that's it, we were there, what did you have to tell me? I nodded... That was an understatement indeed. We had literally gone through everything together, the joy of discovering our planet, the wonder, the anger, the struggles, the responsibility, the survival, the loss, the mourning... The list was so long...

« **I didn't like you at first-- that's no secret--** » You added with another smile that relaxed me slightly and allowed me to swallow the ball of emotion that was blocking my breathing...I remembered our beginnings, the relentlessness, and stubbornness that we put in our exchanges, but the complementarity that already emerged despite our disagreements.

« **But even then, every stupid thing you did, it was to protect your sister.** » I still nodded, not being able to support your gaze which seemed to me to be on the verge of amazement... I drank every one of your words. « **She didn't always see that, but I did.** »

I still decided to look at you, I couldn't help myself, I was detailing your look like one admires a work of art, plunging my soul into yours. Sometimes, a simple glance is much more intimate than a physical relationship. A glance penetrates you to the heart, to the soul, it's an incomparable intimacy. Ours were pure, ardent, sustained, it was as if I could make love to you every time our glances merged. I could no longer manage the beating of my heart that was racing and stopping. I've never had the pleasure of riding a roller coaster...but I think what I was feeling right now...it was better than that! In your eyes, I always see your innocence, nobility, and wisdom that captivate me, that hold me anchored to your soul...your precious soul...

« **You've got such a big heart, Bellamy.**.» And every word that came out of your delicious mouth made it melt a little more... Each beat was entirely dedicated to you. My heart was consumed with love for you... You had no idea.

« **Clarke...** » I didn't know what to tell you. I didn't want to interrupt you anyway... but I felt like my heart was going to explode. I didn't know if I wanted you to stop right away or keep going. I wanted to know, but at the same time, it scared me. I was uncomfortable with all these compliments, surprised to realize that I meant so many beautiful things to you...I wanted to hug you, to kiss you passionately and tenderly...I didn't deserve so much kindness and wonder from you. I was waiting for this moment for so long that I was now scared like a child that it is finally coming. How are we supposed to react when the moment we imagine so strongly materializes?

You just didn't stop.

« **People follow you. You inspire them because of this,** » You put your hand on my heart and the ground slipped away from under my feet. I was literally floating. Did you feel my heart explode at your touch? A part of it came off at that moment and settled in the palm of your hand on me. You never gave it back to me again. I left most of my heart with you that day...I was petrified and all I could do was concentrate all the sweetness I felt for you in my eyes.

I didn't move, because the next move I would make was to take your pretty face in my hands and put a soft kiss on your lips...when I plunged my eyes into yours, it was more than wonder that I actually saw... It was love. But why now? We had 5 years ahead of us, quietly. 5 years without having to think about the end of the world. 5 years where I'll have all the time in the world to prove and declare my feelings to you over and over again...I wanted this moment to be perfect, and now, when the world would literally go up in smoke, it was pretty scary. And your next words confirmed what I feared the most...

« **But the only way to make sure we survive is if you use this, too.** » You added by placing your index finger on my temple... Why did it sound like a farewell statement?

The head, the heart... You were my head, you were my heart...

« **I got you for that.** » I answered you to make you understand that I couldn't function without you. You were part of me. This evidence flowed through each of my veins. How can I spontaneously tell you how I feel about you, when I set up my feeling as an adventure, an ordeal, a project, a dream, a nightmare sometimes? Since I have known your existence, your presence so close and so distant from me, since I have seen your eyes and your whole person in them? You are special, Clarke, you are precious to me. I am speaking in the present tense, because what I felt at the time has only increased tenfold over the years and the trials we have gone through. In the same way that part of my heart stayed with you at that time, you left me part of your mind by putting your finger on my temple...and that's what helped me stay the course, move forward. That's what inspired me and still inspires me.

You lowered your eyes... I should have said nothing and let you continue, because the continuation drifted towards a subject that I didn't like at all...

« **Raven's premonition came true.** »You nodded as I shook it. No, you wouldn't die! You couldn't abandon me. Not after giving me hope. I needed you like I needed air! You were vital to me! I was looking for my words to make you understand...There were none. I could only show you by sealing our bond with a kiss. But we'll never know what happened if the circuits hadn't exploded at that moment. Why on earth did we always have to be interrupted at such emotional and important times! Destiny was playing us, and today that is obvious. I have wondered so many times what would have happened if we could have ended this conversation. If I had gathered my courage and told you all the love I felt for you. I thought I had time for that. But time has never been our ally. Nothing ever was.

As soon as you see the slightest glimmer of happiness in this world, there is always someone to destroy it.

So we ran to the rocket where Raven was boiling. I asked her what had happened and she made several checks that not all of us must have understood...

She then announced us: « **We're not going anywhere. Computer, terminate launch sequence.** » She returned to the lab where we all followed her.

« **Raven, explain.** »I asked her again.

« **It's simple. There's no power in the ring. Two minutes ago, I thought it wasn't a problem because I could activate it remotely.** »

« **Over the rocket's comm system.** » You understood.

« **So we turn the power on from the inside.** » I tried.

« **We can't get inside. That's the point. Without power, we can't even open the hangar door.** »

« **Raven, think. You've solved bigger problems than this before.** » You asked her gently as you walked towards her, trying to reassure her.

« **Oh, yeah, not in 53 minutes.** »

« **Raven .** »

« **It's over, Clarke. You know, maybe if I still had ALIE's code eating away at my brain, I could figure it out. I'm not smart enough myself. »** She sat down on the floor and started to cry.

You turned to me and moved your head. I understood that you didn't know what to do and that you were asking me for help. So I knelt down beside Raven. « **Hey, Raven.. you can do this.** » She shook her head. « **Yes, you can. How many times have you saved our asses before you ever even heard of ALIE?** »

« **Oh, too many to count.** » She answered me a little more relaxed.

« **You're damn right. We don't need ALIE on the ark. We need you.** »

She stared at me for a few moments... « **What?** »

« **ALIE was on the ark. ALIE was on the ark. I was right there, so close to the kill switch, but she got away by transmitting herself to the ring.** »

She had stood up and was now thinking as she knew how to do them so well, re-motivated.

« **Using the pod in the temple.** » Emori added.

« **Yes. If she can do it, so can we.** »

« **Raven, We'll never make it back to Polis on time, and the radios are dead.** » You explained to her.

« **We have something better than radios--the satellite tower.** » Raven seemed certain of herself. We still had hope.

She turned to Harper, Emori, and Echo: « **You three, back in the cockpit. Finish those restraints.** » Then towards us: « **You two, helmets on. You're with me.** » She stopped and turned towards the rocket. « **Computer, resume launch sequence.** »

Then leave with us: « **Okay, everybody. Let's go.** »

So we walked with her in the snow until we saw the tower. « **The tower's less than a mile away.** » She explained to us by showing it to us. Then she handed us a tablet: « **One more time, all we have to do is plug this unto the junction box at the base of the tower. Sat-Star-One is the name of the dish. Everything is set. Once the tablet is connected, the dish will align itself with the ark. The graphic will flash green, and that's how you know it's locked on. When it says 'send', you hit send, and the power-up signal will turn on the lights, and that's it. Are there any questions?** »

« **Yeah. Why are you smiling?** » You asked her.

« **Because without comms, even with the power on, we still can't open the hangar bay door from inside the rocket.** »

« **Wait. How is that a good thing?** » I asked her in my turn. It was you who answered me:

« **She gets to take her space walk.** »

Raven did have a smile on her face. You had it all figured out, as usual.

That's when I saw Murphy, alone, carrying the generator with pain. I ran towards him.

« **Murphy? Hey, Murphy! Hey, hey, come on. Murphy, where's Monty?** »

« **He's in trouble. He had to expose his hands. He passed out. Look. If we go back now, we can get to him.** »

I looked at you... Murphy went on and on: « **You can be impressed with me later. We got to go.** »

« **Aligning the dish is a one person job. Clarke can handle it. Harper will help me with the generator. Go.** »

I started to leave with Murphy... « **Bellamy..**. »

You called me with a strange voice... Not yet...

« **Clarke, if this is one of those moments where you tell me to use my head--** »

« **No. I was just gonna say, hurry.** »

« **You too.** » Then I left with Murphy...

Once on the ring, I thought back to that moment and something should have alerted me in your voice. You knew you couldn't do it. I shouldn't have left you. I don't regret saving Monty, but I regret so much that I didn't help you, that I didn't wait for you, that I didn't go for you. I'll be dead by now. But every minute I was on the ring, I wished it had been me instead of you.

We soon found Monty walking back to the lab, walking back to the lab, somehow... He collapsed in my arms.

« **Of course he gets the hug.** » Murphy joked.

« **You chose the machine?** »

« **Yeah, I did. It's back at the lab, which is where we need--**. »

Monty didn't let him finish. He threw himself on him and embraced him: « **I may not hate you anymore.** »

« **Give it time. Come on. Hurry up. Let's go.** »

We caught Monty together and went back to the lab... I had no idea that at the same time, you were making an irremediable decision: you were going up the tower to give us a chance to survive up there...and you knew you wouldn't have time to come back down...an ultimate suicide mission. We came back to the lab 5 minutes before the countdown. You weren't there, that's the first thing I asked Raven. She told me you were supposed to be on your way. We had to hurry to get in place and use the oxygen reloads. I told Raven that I was going to look for Echo who was no longer there.

Echo was in the office, ready to end her own life.

« **Wouldn't it be easier just to walk outside?** » I asked her.

« **Get out, Bellamy. Go back to the sky where you belong. I belong nowhere.** » She said to me crying. Suddenly she was no longer the heartless warrior we knew.

« **You do that, you die a coward.**. »

« **I betrayed you. Why are you trying to save me?** »

I moved closer to her and crouched down beside her. I won't let her die. I didn't necessarily like her, but if I could save one more person then I would: « **Because, Echo, I'm afraid, too. We are about to head to space, where we will be tested every minute of every day for the next 5 years. I'm not gonna lie to you. I still don't trust you-- maybe I never will -- but you are strong. We have a better chance of surviving if you're up there with us. Plus, we may need to throw someone overboard to lighten the load.** » I ended with a smile that she gave me back.

Raven walked in at that moment: « **Whatever this is, finish it. Two minutes to launch.** »

I reached out my hand to Echo, she got up and Raven gave her the combination. Echo came out...

I asked Raven right away: « **Clarke?** »

« **We'll wait as long as we can.** »

A bad premonition overwhelmed me... I was suddenly terrified. I remembered your vision... No, you were going to make it. You had to. You couldn't abandon me yet. I needed you.

They were all ready in the rocket, only I was left outside. I was waiting for you.

The alarm announcing takeoff went off. You still weren't. I stared at that door, thinking that if I hoped very hard, you would come...

**« Come on, Clarke.** » Raven got me out of my agony: « **Bellamy...** »

I turned to her, my voice full of sadness and despair: « **I know, Raven.** »

 **« The radiation's already affecting the avionics. It's now or never.** »

I knew what it meant. I remember our last conversation... I had to use my head, it was what you wanted, what you made me understand. One of the most damning feelings is not knowing whether to wait or give up.

Either way, I couldn't do otherwise. My heart had broken into a thousand pieces, collapsed for good, just when I realized that you wouldn't be part of the journey...that we were going to have to give you up. You had taken one part with you and the other part had just disintegrated forever, leaving just one piece to keep me alive, the part reserved for Octavia.

I took the direction of the rocket, feeling the tears streaming down my cheeks. I closed the door of the rocket, looking the same way at the door you were supposed to close... It was too late. I had lost you, for good. Part of me would remain on earth, among the ashes. The most beautiful part of me. Bellamy Blake burned in the Praimfaya that day.

Harper asked me: « **She isn't coming?** »

Then Emori followed: « **Can we give her another minute?** »

Raven looked down. I then had to answer them in spite of my distress: « **We're out of time. This is what Clarke would want us to do.** » And that's what I was trying to convince myself. Your last will. But even if it was, I couldn't accept it. I shouldn't have to.

« **If we wait, we die.** » I explained, more to convince myself than to convince others.

« **Wait. How are we gonna know she got the power on, then?** » Murphy asked.

« **We'll know when we get there. Opening launch door.** » Répondit Raven.

JI knew you were going to succeed. You would do anything to save us, at the expense of your own life, as usual... And yet part of me hoped that you wouldn't succeed. And I regretted that you succeeded so many times on that ring. At least I would have died too. At least maybe we would have found each other again on the other side. « **You sure about this?** » She asked me one last time.

Of course, I didn't want to. I couldn't ask them to sacrifice themselves. Maybe you were already dead... I answered her just as you had answered me a few hours earlier: « **It's the only choice.** »

The countdown began and I continued to fix the door in case you came magically.

The rocket took off leaving a part of me on the ground, the best part... I let go of despair and sorrow with the sound of the rockets. « **May we meet again.** » I couldn't imagine what you might have felt if you were still alive at that time. Seeing us take off. Giving up on you.

Raven was satisfied to have reached weightlessness... All I could think about was you.

The ring appeared... in the dark.

« **She didn't get it done.** » Murphy observed, anxious.

« **She will.** » I answered them. I didn't doubt you, I knew you were going to fight to the end to give you a chance to live. Which I should have done.

« **Ready for a space walk, Raven?** »I asked her.

« **You know I am, but if Clarke doesn't get the power on--** » She turned to me and had to see that she shouldn't go on like that. « **suiting up.** »

Arriving in front of the door, it was always closed. I was looking at Raven from the rocket window. Sharing between envy and survival instinct, the hope that you will succeed; and the desire to keep the power off. If you succeeded, it would mean that you were still alive when we took off...and that added another weight to my despair. And then, if the power didn't come on, I wouldn't have to find a solution to succeed in living without you...

In the rocket, the others started to lose hope...

« **15%. There's 10 minutes of air left.** » Murphy said sadly.

« **17%** » Emori replied.

« **Well, that's good. At least I don't have to watch you die.** »

This answer touched me directly, even if it was not intentional...

« **I left her behind.** » I breathed, deeply saddened. « **I left her behind, and we all die, anyway.** » I should have stayed with you on earth. At least we would have died together. « **Bellamy, look.** » Monty advised me... The lights had come on. You had made it. So you had survived at least until then. You had saved all our lives, and you were going to die in a few seconds.

We put the rocket in the hangar. Our oxygen level was more than critical and Raven was running out. We still had to plug in the generator. We shared all the leftover recharges with each other while Monty and I tried to plug in the generator. Monty explained to me while I was making the connections... At least I was focused on something other than your death. They were all suffocating... Monty had fainted, but I managed to wake him up enough to let him tell me the last manipulation. Then I fainted as well, without air.

It's strange how this feeling was less painful than knowing you were lost, alone downstairs, dead. You were my air, my oxygen.

Echo took off my helmet, I was close to the air grid... I breathed again. Well, that's a big word. My lungs were working. That was it. I was never breathing completely again, not for the next 6 years.

They were all relieved. I regretted breathing.

I approached the window, watching the earth being reduced to a cloud of fire...to nothing. The earth where my sister was, who was normally safe, the earth where you were, certainly dead in terrible pain, alone, not knowing how much your life meant to me. The earth was on fire and my heart was bleeding, tearing, broken, shattered. There was a bottle of alcohol there... We never could take that drink after all.

I was looking for something that could give me hope. Hope that you're not dead, that I might really find you one day. But the more I stared at this volcanic land, the more pain filled my soul.

Raven joined me slowly. « **She saved us again.** »

I couldn't answer her, I was paralyzed with pain. My eyes filled with tears that I tried to contain.

« **Think we can do this without her?** » she continued.

« **If we don't, she died in vain, and I'm not gonna let that happen.** »

That was all I had to focus on. Thinking with my head. Bringing your mind to life through me. Respect what you asked me to do. If I didn't focus on that, I might as well shoot myself right now. We had to survive so that your death would be a little more bearable... If only that were possible. Your death would never be more bearable for me. I will have to live with a gaping hole in me for the rest of my life, hoping to find you in the afterlife.

« **You with me?** » I asked Raven.

« **Always.** » We had to make sure we survived, she understood that. I had convinced her, more than convincing myself. And even though I knew it was going to be hard, I had no idea how hard it was going to be...Bellamy Blake having to live in a universe without Clarke Griffin...it's unimaginable, impossible.

You amazed me at first glance and it scared me, I wasn't ready to trust anyone. But you were able to earn that trust. And when I finally trusted you I was afraid to love you. Then I realized I couldn't fight it, that I was completely crazy about you, in love with you, in love for the first time and for the last time. So I loved you as I didn't know it was possible, discreetly I think, secretly, and my greatest fear became that of losing you, of losing this bond between us even if it wasn't the one I wanted. And finally, I lost you, and I lost myself, no one could fill the gaping hole you left in my chest. No one ever could.


	45. OBLIVION

In the following months, I was only a shadow of my former self. My vital functions were functioning, but the rest of my being was a shred. I no longer recognized myself. And I think the others didn't either. Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you've never met.

I couldn't breathe at my full lungs, deprived of my oxygen. I had no appetite, deprived of the taste of anything. My smile was now a distant memory, it had clung to yours on earth and must now be ashes. My eyes could no longer see, because every time I opened them I saw you, and every time I closed them I saw you. I hardly slept either, each night ending in a horrible nightmare where I lost you again and again. You were living through me... you were part of me, I could have sculpted each of your features, each of your shapes perfectly... This passion that gave me so much strength a few days earlier, that was one of the only reasons to fight... This same passion was now transforming me into a kind of rock without emotions or feelings.

My life wasn't really a life. The only thing that kept me from ending my existence was you, that last will, that last conversation. Telling me that you wouldn't want this, that I had to use my head... Did you want to tell me that I had to live without you when you asked me that? Did you really think it was going to be that easy for me? It haunted me so much... I missed most of you more than I could ever imagine, the other part I hated. I hated that you abandoned me again. I hated that you sacrificed yourself so that we could live. I hated that you thought for even a second that your life was less important than ours.

I was trying to tell myself that I had to live for you, for my sister whom I was supposed to meet again in a few years... Honestly, I didn't feel like I could rest a single foot on this earth without you being there. I understood then how much and why Octavia must have hated me when Lincoln died. A feeling so devastating that your existence no longer matters... If you only knew how it gnawed at me. If only I could have known that you were alive...I don't know if it would have been easier, because I would have probably done everything I could to get back and put us all in danger... But at least I would have had hope, a real reason to hold on.

There were even several moments when I regretted having opened this trap door. I should have listened to you. I regretted having saved my sister... Do you realize how lost I was without you? I had dedicated my life to my sister and yet I regretted opening that trap door many times. I asked myself thousands of questions about what would have happened. Of course, I would have cried for my sister for months or even years. I would have blamed you to death for the first few months. But I know I would have finally forgiven you. Because your intention was right, for the survival of our people, of humanity, as usual. I will have found the strength to forgive you, I think, as I always have. Then you would have occupied the one and only place in my heart, you would have finally filled the void left by my sister. And I would have finally confessed my feelings to you. Surely we could have been happy together. I would have been able to feel my heartbeat, to feel alive, by your side...but with such...

Everything was so seamless between us, I felt completely safe and comfortable in your presence, despite all the battles and suffering we had endured. I had found my soul mate in my best friend...I felt so close to you that I didn't even understand why we had two different bodies, our skins separated. You were my light in the darkness, my source of heat in the cold, love and desire that burned in my chest even when life got complicated. I could survive the worst suffering and still find the world beautiful, because I saw it through your eyes...you were the reason for my smiles. You became the cause of my tears. How would I survive without you? And yet you left me no choice, forcing me to make you live through me.

Fortunately, the others were there. They wouldn't let go of me, despite my protests and the countless times I had sent them away. Raven and Monty kept reminding me that you wouldn't want this, that you wanted me to be happy, that I was taking advantage of the chance to live that you had given me...and that they needed me.

They must have heard me, you know...all those nights I woke up screaming your name. They obviously must have heard. For you, I shed tears that I lost my sight and filled all the oceans of our planet several times. They knew it, they saw me rotting as the days went by, struggling as best I could to keep my head above water. Yet none of them really talked about it. They just looked at me with pity...

Days became weeks, weeks became months... Nothing changed. After several months, the atmosphere began to clear up. It didn't matter. Nothing was beginning to clear for me. Another month. Another year. Another smile. Another tear. But there couldn't be another you.

One day like any other, one more day in the hell I had been living in since you died, Raven came to get me, with a big smile on her face. She seemed excited to show me something... I followed her mechanically to the big window...she showed me a little green spot on the planet. She explained to me that this place had apparently been spared by the wave. There was some vegetation left... So life on earth would be possible.

I smiled back to her, without much conviction. Then she redirected me to my room... she stopped me abruptly...: « **Hope can reappear in the most total chaos... It may be a sign of fate. Stop torturing your mind, it won't bring her back. Live. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for her. What do you think she would think of you if she saw you like this?** »

« **She doesn't see me, she'll never see me again, I can't just forget her as if she never existed. You don't have the right to ask me that.** »

« **We have all lost loved ones. Move on, Bellamy, or you'll end up like Jasper. It's not what she would have wanted, it's not what we want. We need our leader here, to strengthen the bonds. Can't you see this is getting out of hand? Murphy and Emori are on the verge of splitting up, Monty spends his days at the seaweed farm. Echo stays locked up in his room because no one trusts her or tries to talk to her. And me... I watch the fucking computer all day long, because it's the only thing I can still control... We need you. We really need you. So, please just try harder. I'm not asking you to get well overnight, I know it's impossible I haven't been there and I think it's nothing compared to how you feel. This bond that you two had, it was precious, we all noticed it, you were just too stubborn or cowardly to face this reality: you were made for each other, you loved each other in an indescribable way, able to forgive each other the hell itself... It's much more than the love that there was between you and her. I am well aware of this and I know that you too and that your suffering will never really leave you. Take your time, but try. That's all I ask. Just try... If you won't do it for yourself, do it for us, for her.** »

I nodded, trying to assimilate everything she had just told me, and left.

The following days, I tried to pay a little more attention to the others, to go a little more into the common areas and I actually noticed that I wasn't the only one who was lamenting...it was probably not for the same reasons...but whatever.

I was going to make an effort, I had to. For them, but especially for you.

It still took me several months before I started offering activities, conversations...to smile again. I succeeded, but none of my smiles have ever been as frank as when they went to you. The smiles now made up for the sad memories that haunted me. In the clothes available on the Ring I found the same T-shirt you wore all the time in the last few weeks you were on earth... I almost never left that shirt afterwards, it was as if I had a small part of you with me.

The nightmares started to fade away... Instead, I had dreams... You were in all of them. I was saving you in every one of them, in different ways. In some of them, I refused to leave and I stayed on earth, and we always managed to get out of them somehow, because we were together. In still others, I would force them to wait a few more minutes and you managed to get on the shuttle in time, and we were here together, happy.

These dreams managed to give me hope... Maybe you had finally made it to the lab before the wave hit. Maybe you were strong enough to survive and find a solution... Maybe ... the chances were almost non-existent, but you were Clarke Griffin after all. If anyone could do it, it had to be you.

The times when I felt the best were during practice. Echo taught us to fight like Azgeda warriors. Maybe that would be useful when we come back. After all, the bunker was now full of grounders. We didn't know what would await us. And then it kept us busy, it made us stronger, it involved him a bit... For me, it allowed me to evacuate all my anger, all my rage, to let out my sorrow in every blow. And God knows I had sold some.

One day, after training, I finally kissed Echo. I don't know what I was thinking. We had had a conversation, I talked about my sister... She told me it was my strength... She seemed so fragile...And then, when she told me that, I realized she was wrong, you were my strength!I realized that she never really knew us together and that's why I felt a little better with her than with the others... She was one of the only ones with whom we had almost no memories together. When I looked at the others, I thought of you, every single sentence reminded me of a moment spent with you... That was not the case with her. She was broken, lost. She had always known only her people and her loyalty to someone... She didn't have anything anymore. She had nothing left now. Like me.

So I kissed her. I let her love me, make my life better... It was a little more than 3 years after the Praimfaya. I became attached to her, I'm not going to say otherwise, she healed me, helped me... But I never loved her as I love you, of course, I never really loved her in fact. I liked her, but it wasn't love even if I tried to convince myself of it. I knew she could never fill the void you left in my heart, not her, not anyone. I never forgot you. You had locked my heart and swallowed the key. There was no room for anyone else.

She was falling asleep in my arms and yet every night it was you that I found again, in my dreams or nightmares...Because yes, the nightmares came back little by little... As if to punish me for letting her take a place in my life, to make me feel guilty.

I told myself that it was the wrong thing to do, that she deserved someone to really love her... But then again, where we were wouldn't have made any difference.

I'm sure she wasn't fooled. She never said anything to me anyway. Never mentioned you.

We never said I love you, you know... I couldn't tell her something I didn't really feel. I had known love with you, even though it was never revealed or perhaps even shared. But I was sure that I could never match it and I didn't even want to try. You were my soul mate, my evidence, I was born to be with you... If I hadn't been able to tell you that I loved you, I would never have told anyone else then. That would be betraying you...

I think she loved me. Probably awkwardly, because she was never raised in love, probably didn't know what it was. She had always lived for her clan, she had to believe in something. And she believed in me. I think she never told me I love you because she suspected that I couldn't answer her.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about her now. I just want you to know that not one minute of my time with her has made me forget the love I have for you and the pain of abandoning you.

All I could do was find you, in another life, in the afterlife. I was convinced that I would find you one day, I trusted the universe. It hadn't put us on the same road to tear us away from each other so brutally. In the meantime, I would have to be content to make you live through me, to live for you... Until the glorious day when we would meet again, on the other side...


	46. SHE IS

The years went by and we were long past the time when we could return to earth, but Raven couldn't find a way to get back, yet she spent her days there.

When I wasn't training or helping out, I would spend my time at the window...looking out the window, imagining that my sister had to get out of the Bunker and live her life in this green setting.

Raven focused on the radio signal, she wanted to try to reach the bunker to warn them that there was a spared zone, a green zone, we called it Eden. All I wanted to do was go back down, find my sister, maybe even look for you... There was almost no chance, you were dead. However, a small part of me did not want to lose hope, especially when I saw this Eden...

I wasn't always kind to Raven, I realized she was doing her best, but I couldn't help it. I had to find a way down. It seemed like they were all more or less happy with our life on the ring, except for Monty's food which was really awful...yes, they had all gotten used to it, and didn't seem to be in any hurry to get back down. I think the reason Raven and Emori were working so hard was just to please me... They didn't have anything waiting for them downstairs.

Only Murphy and I dreamed of going back down. Murphy had been isolated for several years, like an outcast. He and Emori separated when Emori started helping Raven and really liked it. I think Murphy felt useless...kind of like me in the end. So he did his Murphy. I could understand him. If I hadn't had Echo, I think I would have been in the same state, or even worse...

Murphy wanted to be alone, just as I did several months after we arrived, several months after you lost you. He couldn't stand the rules, the chores he had to do... And it was mostly because he couldn't stand Emori's presence. 6 years and 7 days after our arrival (yes, I counted on every day I spent on that damn ring, every day I had to survive without you), I was going to bring his seaweed ration to Murphy when he wanted to start a training fight...or a fight to get rid of the stress I don't know. I got into his game because I understood how good it felt and how much he needed it. It's during this fight, by placing him against the window, that he spotted the ship Eligius. A giant ship floating not far from the green zone, Eden... I hastened to alert Raven.

Murphy wanted to reach them, but it wasn't safe. And we did the right thing. We cut everything off so we wouldn't be spotted. Raven wasn't picking up their radio.

It was while arguing over the right way to do things that we saw a second, smaller ship come out. It headed straight for earth.

Raven then tried to reach them, without success. That's when we all decided, all except Monty, who would have preferred to stay on the ring, and Echo, who was afraid that our relationship would change once on earth, to use what little gas we had left to reach their main ship. We finally had our chance to return to earth.

I reassured Echo that nothing would change. She was worried about Octavia, and in the end, she was right, considering who my sister had become. But it wasn't Octavia she should have been worried about... Indeed, you were alive in the end, and the minute I found out, I regretted the last three years and knew that they hadn't meant anything except putting me in a very awkward situation...

So we landed on their ship not without some difficulty. Indeed, Emori slightly almost planted us, but there was more fear than harm.

We only wanted a little bit of their essence and hoped that it was going to go well. An alarm sounded. Apparently, no one was there to stop it. Indeed, it was a completely empty ship that we found. We also discovered that it was a prisoners' ship.

Monty explained that the work in the asteroid mines was too dangerous so they sent prisoners. Raven tried to reassure us by explaining that since it was hundreds of years ago, it was no longer the prisoners, but their descendants, survivors, just like us.

We arrived at the control panels and Raven did find hydrazine so that we could return.

« **So we have a way down?** » Echo noticed, not necessarily playful.

« **We have a way down.** »Raven confirmed

« **That's not all we have. Lasercom.** » Monty then switched on a radio... We had a signal. And we didn't like what we were hearing... not at all...

« **They're hunting our people.** » Raven explained, turning to me in fear.

« **We don't know that.** » Murphy replied.

« **We know there was no one else left on the ground.** »

« **Whatever this is, Octavia can handle it.** » Echo reassured me.

Raven took control of their computer to try to get information.

« **All units, be advised. Subject is armed and dangerous. We are in her backyard. She knows the terrain. Keep your eyes open.** » A woman announced on the radio.

I was petrified, Raven looked at me right away. Was it Octavia? Why was she alone?

We listened to them chase this target, helpless. We heard gunshots.

« **Relax, Colonel. I told you we'd get her, and we did. She's a fiesty one. Pretty, too.** »

« **Good work. Bring her to me.** »

Octavia ??? It could only be her ... yet my mind reminded me of you. It was impossible. But who else but you could be totally alone, unprotected, in this area? I knew nothing of what was going on down there and it made me sick. The possibilities were endless.

In any case, I had to go down and check it out.

« **We gotta get down there, now.** » I commanded.

Monty, Murphy, and Echo would go get the hydrazine while I stayed with Raven to listen to the radio signal and find out who these people were.

We found out pretty quickly and it was much worse than we could have imagined... All murderers. Raven always thought these people were no longer alive and that they were their grandchildren.

Raven managed to hack the captain's logbook...the last entry being over 100 years ago.

The message was horrific, the commander was attacked by prisoners who rebelled. The woman who ordered the operation had the same voice as the one on the radio...

« **Cryo** » Raven understood. « **He said he was trying to deactivate the cryo-- Bellamy, look out!** » A giant guy came running at me at that moment. He was huge, tall, powerful, and seemed not to feel the blows that were being given to him.

Echo showed up to give us a hand. The three of us had to work together to kill him...

We then went to see the cryo room where Raven explained how it works. Some of the beds were empty, but there were still more than 250 cryogenics people left in there.

We were trying to figure out how one of them had been awakened, Murphy wanted to kill them all, but that was not an option. I explained to him that if we killed them, they would kill ours. Eventually Raven understood that they could remotely control the scream from the ground.

Echo agreed with Murphy and wanted to kill them before they woke up. I didn't want to. We could try to do better.

« **We've been off the ring for less than a day, and we're already talking about murdering hundreds of people.** » I tried to make them understand, but Murphy cut me off:

« **This is not murder. It's survival. They die now or we die later. If Clarke was here, this wouldn't even be--** » JI react quickly to the sound of your sweet name! He had no right to use you. « **Clarke's not here!** » I yelled at him.

« **Exactly. She died so we could live, Bellamy. This is how we do that.** »

He was right. He was using the right argument... You. All I'd been holding on to for the last six years, all I had left was that you didn't die in vain. We had to survive... But I didn't want to kill all those people...

Raven cut me off from my thoughts. She thought she could cut off their signal from the earth so they wouldn't be able to wake them up. Echo then asked if she could also invert the signal so that we could get our hands on them and use them as hostages to negotiate... Clever.

« **Murphy. I want to know what you think.** » I asked him

« **I think it's a risk.** »

« **You're right. It is. But Clarke didn't die for us to live just so we can go back to the ground and make the same mistakes.** »

He thought: « **What the hell? Let's be good guys.** »

A few minutes later, I joined Raven in the control room. She seemed strange, sad.

« **Someone has to stay up here.** »

« **What?** »

« **With remote access to the cryo-pods blocked, we won't be able to operate them, either. Pulling the plug from the ground is not an option. Someone has to stay.** »

« **No. No. No way. Okay, we make the threat from up here on the Lasercom.** »

« **We won't know if they're following through. Look, I've played out every angle. This only works if we have eyes on the ground.** »

« **Fine. Show me how to do it.** » If anyone had to sacrifice himself, it would be me... No question of reliving that and having his death on my conscience even if I was the only one who also had someone to find down there.

« **I can't. There are nine security measures to be bypassed, and teaching you would take days, and knowing you, you'd probably still screw it up. It has to be me.** »

« **I am not leaving you here.** »

« **I'll be fine. Emori can get you down. That's what I trained her for. You need to go and find your sister, and make a deal for peace with the prisoners. Once everyone's friends, they'll come back up for their people, and I'll hitch a ride down with them.** » I was thinking...it was obvious that there were no other solutions, but I didn't want to let her down...

« **What if the threat doesn't work? You'll be stuck up here, Raven. You'll have to kill 300 people. Have you thought about that? No, no, we'll come up with something else. I left Clarke behind to die, and I...I'm not doing that again.** »

I had trouble finishing my sentence, the tears quickly rose as I thought back on the pain of having abandoned you...the mourning that I hadn't yet done, the thousands of things that have been taken away from us, the possibilities of a future close to you that I will no longer be able to have... No, there was no way I was abandoning Raven. I didn't love her the way I loved you, the way I love you. But after spending 6 years locked up next to her, she was like family to me, all 6 of them were, and I won't leave any of them behind.

« **There's an escape pod, you idiot. For the captain and first mate. When this is all over, if you fail, I can go down in that.** »

I didn't answer, still not convinced... She continued: « **Hey. Six years ago, I promised myself I would find a way to get us back down. Bellamy, this is it. Please...let me get you all home.** »

I stared at her, knowing in advance that she would leave me no other choice.

I was going to warn the others. Emori didn't trust herself at all to lead us to the Earth. Monty wanted to take Raven's place, but I stopped him. Murphy wanted to stay so that Raven wouldn't be alone...and probably also, because Emori's first reaction was to say that he should have taken Raven's place. Everyone seemed surprised, but not me. In spite of his grumpy and selfish airs... Murphy wanted to be a hero and it was a great opportunity...

We manage to land without the slightest hitch. Emori was amazed at herself. Everyone was relieved even though Raven and Murphy were missing. We took off the wetsuits and advanced in the direction of the forest to take cover. Everything was very quiet.

Now that we had landed, I felt bad inside. I felt bad because I was there when you were gone. It was as if everything I could contemplate reminded me of you and all this beauty that I had enjoyed so much a few years earlier seemed so bland, even horrible, to me today. I abandoned you...If I had waited another 30 seconds maybe you would have come running to me. If I hadn't closed the cover on that damn rocket, maybe you would be with me to share this moment today...Maybe my life would be almost idyllic...With so many ifs and buts...

« **Okay, so how do we find them?** » Monty asked.

« **We don't. They'll find us.** »Echo replied.

« **They already have.** » I noticed when I saw several prisoners encircling us with their weapons pointed at us.

« **Its okay, It's okay. We don't want to fight-- No, wait! We just want to talk.** »

They received radio orders to kill four and spare one. Luckily someone was faster than them and killed them just before they fired... A girl of about ten years old.

« **She's just a kid.** »

We all looked at each other without understanding anything... When the little girl took the floor:

« **Bellamy?** » Uh Okay. How did she know my first name? Who was I? A lot of questions popped into my head, but I didn't have time to ask her and she gave me the answer I was hoping for: « **Clarke knew you would come.** »

My heart stopped when she said these words... Or on the contrary, it started beating again...the first time in six long years. You were alive! I don't immediately think about how that could be possible, all that mattered was that you were alive and that I would be able to find you. I thought maybe it was a trap after all... But it didn't matter, if there was the slightest chance that you were alive, I had to know for sure. « **Clarke's alive?** » I asked her nevertheless to make sure I understood. I wasn't dreaming...well, I guess. It wouldn't have been the first time I'd found you in my dreams. This one seemed extraordinarily realistic and I didn't want to wake up from it.

« **She's in trouble. We have to go.** » I couldn't move. Totally paralyzed by the news I had just learned. Euphoric that you're alive, but so much more sorry to have abandoned you all this time...

« **What about the others in the bunker?** » Monty asked

« **Still there.** »

« **What? No, No. How can that be?** »

She stepped forward and took me by the hand: « **I'll explain on the way.** » I followed her without arguing, ready to come and save you, no matter what the consequences. I would have followed her to the edge of the Earth if I had to.

Madi, that was her name, explained to me how you came to be a prisoner while driving the Rover... You had gotten the Rover back...and you had learned how to drive it, a 10-year-old child?

She explained to me that you were only both living there and that the bunker was buried under the rubble. You had tried for a long time to get them out without success. She drove me to your village, taken by the prisoners, the place where you were. I briefly explained my plan to them. I would go alone.

So Madi took me to the front, where dozens of armed prisoners were standing. It really sucked. I couldn't see you well, but you were there, lying on the ground with a huge electric collar around your neck...you seemed to have suffered martyrdom. Those bastards had probably tortured you without any restraint. God, how I blamed myself for abandoning you. I only had one idea in mind, to get you out of there, to join you, and too bad if I was fooled too. At least I'll be by your side. You were alive, in front of me... Nothing mattered anymore.

Madi began to untie her belt:

« **Madi, no. Take the rover back. That's the plan. I won't let anything happen to Clarke. I promise.** »

She must have seen in my eyes that I was very sincere.

I went out, I had taken the mug found on the ship to prove that we were on board and that we had our hand on the cryo. Fortunately, we had that advantage...

« **Unarmed. Just want to talk.** »

« **Talk. Give me one good reason not to kill you where you stand.** »

« **How about I give you 283? That's how many of your people are gonna die if you and I can't make a deal.** » JI kept staring at the colonel, and I showed him the cup on the ship. I understood immediately that it was almost in the pocket and I signaled to Madi to step back and leave.

I moved forward very slowly ...

« **That's far enough. 283 lives for one. She must be pretty important to you.** »

I finally gave myself the right to plunge my gaze into the ocean of your eyes that I had missed so much and yes, for you, I forgot everything I had said a few hours earlier ... I will kill them without hesitation... I didn't know yet if things had changed between us. I was dreading our reunion, asking myself a lot of questions ... But no matter, you were there and I won't let you down this time... You were worth it, I could have burned the whole Earth once again just to be able to spend one second closer to you!

« **She is.** » And they didn't suspect for a minute how much you were, did you know it yourself? You were, you are, my world.

The second I realized it was really you, it was like I was breathing hard again. The last 6 years were magically erased and all the feelings I had been trying to bury were reappearing a hundredfold. I saw in your eyes the relief and joy of seeing me again, despite your obvious suffering...I even thought I could discern tears of joy... I would have had the same if I had not yet had to negotiate for you to be truly safe and sound.

Your gaze gave me a breath of fresh air...literally. It was like coming home after a long and tiring trip, finding the warmth of a home. I saw the spark in your eyes, the twinkle in your eyes that made it sparkle so much that I couldn't do without it... How had I survived 6 years without seeing this paradise in your eyes? I can't find words strong enough to describe what I felt when I saw you alive and well. It was as if I was finally coming to the surface after being trapped underwater and almost drowning.

I was happy, pure happiness...but at the same time I was horrified by all the things you had to face alone, or almost alone...and finally, I was afraid that you would blame me for leaving you. Even though deep down I knew you wouldn't be angry with me, it was what you had asked me to do. 

I came back just in time. It was as if fate was constantly leading us to save each other. To be there in the worst moments, the light at the end of the tunnel, forcing us to face the worst atrocities in order to find ourselves better and stronger each time. It was as if an invisible magnetic field was pushing us towards each other, always. We were destined to find each other, to save ourselves, to be there for each other. We had to love each other, it was written up there.

You were almost the same, you hadn't changed, except your hair was shorter...it looked so good on you. A little older maybe, but you didn't seem anything like that at first...you were even prettier than before, more beautiful than I remember, more womanly. You know, sometimes people fantasize for years about something or someone, and then, when they finally find it, they're finally disappointed, because their dream exceeded reality... Here it was just the opposite. I was not disappointed, on the contrary, I was shocked to be dazzled by so much beauty and intensity. It was as if the link that connected us to each other was reborn in a snap of the fingers, sending us an electric shock to let us know that we had finally reconnected to each other... But there was nothing painful about that shock, on the contrary... It irradiated my whole body with a feeling of unequaled fullness... you were alive! You were my world, I had tried to forget it, to live without it, but it was obvious... I could live, at last, for good.


	47. NOW YOU’RE HOME

When Diyoza realized that I wasn't kidding about the cryopods, she finally came to her senses. Mc Creary wanted to kill me, but Diyoza seemed wiser and smarter. I asked her to open the bunker and then we would split the valley in two. And of course, the first request: free you immediately and allow me to join you.

She agreed a few minutes later without trying to complicate things too much. I knew I shouldn't trust her, but I wanted to find you as soon as possible and then free my sister and our people from the bunker.

After accepting my request, she took me to your cell. Adrenaline was flowing through every vein in my body. The conditions weren't optimal, but it didn't matter. My heart exploded at the thought of finding you, touching you, hearing you, looking at you, immersing my gaze in yours, and finding that ocean of sweetness that I had cried so much. I had saved you, I had succeeded, alone against all. I had dreamed a thousand times of a moment like this one on the ring, not doubting that it could really happen, this precious moment when I would find my half, my inner peace. Almost 300 lives for one? You were worth a thousand times more! I had only one desire left: to hold you in my arms again, to feel your breath against my skin and your heart beating against mine...

I still have a burning memory of the last looks you gave me and I was hoping they wouldn't be any less warm. I hoped that all the atrocities you had to go through alone during those 6 years would not change anything in our bond. You would have changed, it was certain, I myself had changed ... But I just wished that these differences would not affect us. Because I still needed you as much as ever and now that hope was rekindled, I would do everything to nourish it.

The door opened. I was focused on you, captivated by every single one of your features. You were there, lying there, fragile, exhausted from the torture you had undergone...you turned your back on me, but you rolled over immediately...you seemed surprised to see me. You had recognized me a few hours earlier, judging by your expression of relief and even happiness. Yet, at that moment, you didn't seem to believe your eyes, you looked at me as if I wasn't really real...I must admit that I also had trouble realizing that you were alive and well, right there in front of me.

I had forced myself to believe that my love for you had finally faded, I had finally tried to move on...but when I saw you there, I knew it wasn't true. I had never moved on, I had never stopped loving you. You had remained my essential, my life's purpose. Something inside me had never stopped hoping. My subconscious must have known that you were alive. Our souls heard each other without seeing each other, understood each other without communicating... They had guessed each other against all odds. We were always connected and it didn't even take a second for us to enter into a complete harmony, as if the last 6 years had never existed...

My love hadn't weakened, quite the contrary. It withstood the years, the thought of your death, the hugs of another...this love is strong and invincible. An intergalactic force that brings us together, no matter what the trials or obstacles. We belong together. It's the kind of love you only find once in a lifetime, and some people don't have enough of a lifetime to find it. There isn't much I am absolutely convinced about in this life, but the one thing I never doubted was that what you and I had was special, precious, extraordinary.

I ran to the bed where you were and quickly found my reflexes with you... I gently took you by the arm to help you get up, this simple contact of my hand on your skin made me shiver from head to toe. It was like an electric shock, but the kind of shock that sends you to the seventh heaven, almost orgasmic...seriously, a simple contact of a few centimeters. My heart went wild and the millions of cells in my body joined together to reveal this one word: EXTASY. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if one day our two bodies really joined together...I think I would cry with happiness.

You were still staring at me so deeply, in the way that only you had the secret...as if you were wondering if you were dreaming.... I could hardly contain the flood of emotion that overwhelmed me when I found the softness of your pure gaze, the closeness of your soft skin...it was you. Through the glance, the visible, patiently, introduces us to the invisible, to the mystery of the other, to what I could perceive the unsaid or the unspeakable. I could have contemplated you for the rest of my life. That has always been the case. You are my work of art and your value is priceless.

You will hug me with all the strength you have left, resting your head on my shoulder, breathing my scent. But beneath this embrace, hiding a distress that is difficult to dissipate, the weight of all that you had endured. The joy of finding each other was mixed with the sadness that these last few years had inflicted on both of us, the feeling of loss, of emptiness...

« **You're really here.** » You cried... then I let my emotion take over as well. I just nodded. You moved back a little and looked at me again with bright eyes...a smile on your face, you were shaking. Gosh, I missed that. How could I have lived without it? Our hugs, our looks, that was our language and I could decipher every nuance.

« **Madi?** »

« **She's safe. She's in the woods with the others.** »

You smiled more than ever and breathed a sigh of relief. This child meant a lot to you, I could tell right away.

« **Diyoza won't look for them as long as we're in control.** »

Surprise and emotion still flowed into your incredible gaze ... « **You're all still alive-- Murphy, Monty, Raven?** »

« **Echo and Emori. Yeah. Clarke, you saved us all.** » It was thanks to you. I wanted you to understand that. There were no words strong enough to thank you. You had sacrificed yourself for us. You had almost died, I thought you were dead and part of me died with you! It only took one look to bring me back to life, the real one, the one you want to bite into and savor every piece.

You survived 6 years alone or so...while we were quietly upstairs...I dismissed the feeling of shame that was beginning to rise. I wanted to enjoy the reunion even though we didn't have much time.

« **And now you're home.** » You asked me as if to prove to you that it was real. You were still crying... I could only nod my head again and let my tears flow once more, to take you back in my arms. Home ...but it's you, my home Princess! So yes, I had come back home...

My hand naturally came to rest on the skin on your back that I could feel quivering. I resisted the urge to caress every inch of it. I simply savored every inch where we were in contact. I cherished every grain of your skin that my hands could touch. I wanted to melt into you, to become one with you. Catching up on all that wasted time. The worst part was that I didn't feel guilty about feeling that way, it was natural, normal. I was made for you, it was a fact, and that fact had come to me the moment I knew you were alive. There was no "you and me", there had never been any you and me, there was only one "us". You're still walking away, looking worried... I didn't drop you and you kept your hand on my waist. We couldn't let go, for fear that the other would leave, we needed to keep in touch, to cherish and appreciate the other's sweetness and feeling.

« **Wait. Why'd she release me?** »

« **We made a deal. She agreed to open the bunker.** » I said to you in a still hoarse voice because of the ball of feeling that had formed in my throat, full of tears of happiness that I struggled to hold back.

You breathed, smile, relieved.

I took you back in my arms and we stayed like that for most of the trip. A journey that didn't last long enough for me. I needed more time to savor this reunion that I had long dreamed of. I could never have had enough time anyway, I just wanted it to be in better conditions. I just wish I could have given you more love, erase those last few years when I had finally opened my heart to another who had managed to heal a small part of the wound of your loss. I had hundreds of questions to ask you, but that could have waited, I just needed to spend eternity huddled against you.

I still took the time to contact Raven and Murphy by radio:

« **Raven, can you hear me? Come in.** »

« **Tell me everyone's okay.** »

« **Everyone's okay. We reached a deal with the people from that ship, and, by the way, the Laser-comm's an open line, so they can hear every word we say.** »

« **Nice to meet you. We're not bad people. We--** » says Murphy, true to form.

Raven had to take the radio from him, because he didn't finish his sentence.

« **Raven, keep him away from the radio.** »

« **Copy that.** »

« **Anyway, they know the rules, but just to be safe, Colonel Diyoza, here they are again. If anyone tries to get around your security, you pull the plug. If anyone does anything that wasn't agreed upon, you pull the plug, and if you don't hear from me every hour on the hour, you pull the plug.** »

« **Is that all?** »

« **No that's not all. Someone wants to say hello.** » I said to him, with my blissful smile no doubt resonating in my voice, handing you the radio so that you can talk to them... I would have liked to keep you to myself for a few more moments, but they also had the right to know. I knew that Raven had also mourned your death very much. « **Raven, Murphy, It's really good to hear your voices.** » You tell them, the voice still weakened by emotions.

« **Clarke? I don't believe it.** »

Murphy picked up the radio: « **Jeez, and they call me the cockroach.** »

He had a real gift for making us laugh. And it was good to see you laugh.

« **Hey, you guys just be careful up there, okay? We'll talk more once this is all over. I want to hear everything.** »

When I heard you say that ... Then at that moment, I thought of Echo. Echo... How was I going to explain this to you...maybe it wouldn't matter to you, but, something in the way you held on to me and looked at me said you would care... The way you looked at me hadn't changed, on the contrary, the tenderness you put into it had increased. So I thought it might even make you suffer... If only I had known that you were alive...

I had promised her that nothing would change on earth and I was a man of my word. I just couldn't give up on the woman who had helped me get back up there. I couldn't erase anything. I had to assume, to repress the avalanche of feelings that had come up to the very moment I had found my one and only love again. I had to think with my head, as you had forced me to do for 6 years. And yet, my head and my heart, both of them, were telling me the same thing: Clarke, Clarke, Clarke... It was only you, it has always been you.

« **Okay, but first, thank you for saving our lives.** » Raven sobbed as she said to you.

Your tears began to flow again. You had cried so much that I almost thought you had drained all the water out of your body... « **I miss you both.** »

I put a reassuring hand on your shoulder and took the radio from you:

« **We got to go. Raven, stay safe. We'll talk soon.** »

« **Yeah, every hour on the hour.** »


	48. 6 YEARS IS A LONG TIME

Over the Bunker, I could only see the extent of the damage. The city was in ruins. When I saw the ton of rubble, I could only admire your determination to have tried for so many years as Madi had explained to me ... But even with your unfailing will, you could never have succeeded alone...

The prisoners went to work and prepared us for the descent. You suggested that I go down first, so that I could see Octavia. After all this time alone, you still put me ahead of you, putting off the reunion with your mother for a few minutes.

So I went down into the middle of the bunker, plunged into darkness. I found myself in the middle of a kind of arena that people surrounded, fenced in. The bunker had changed. My sister was standing there, right next to me, with surprise and wonder in her eyes as she struggled to get used to the darkness. She was strange, full of blood... to tell you the truth, she clearly freaked me out. But I was so happy to see her alive too. She threw her sword to the ground and jumped into my arms, crying... " **I knew you'd come. I knew you'd come.** " she repeated with relief, handing you totally over to me as you had done earlier.

You came down in your turn. Octavia walked towards you and took your arm with respect. No hug, but she seemed glad to see you too. That's how it was between you, cold and warm at the same time.

You looked at me and we read into each other like in the good old days. Something was wrong here. Horrible things had happened, you could feel it. We were both shocked and scared. I looked at my sister... who I could hardly recognize, and we were looking at the arena.

I tried to imagine what was going on in there... My sister was watching Diyoza and McCreary going down...

« **Who are they?** »

« **We're here to rescue you.** »

« **Why are you armed?** » She said in a frankly aggressive tone.

« **O, O, It's okay. We have an understanding.** »

« **Before we get to that, where's my mom?** » You asked.

Octavia looked down. I knew right away that something was wrong. I hoped nothing had happened to Abby, you had already endured so much. Octavia turned to Indra...she seemed to be afraid of something....

« **I'll take her to her mother.** » Indra said.

« **So I take it you're his sister.** » Diyoza continued.

« **Yes. Sorry. Octavia, this is Colonel Diyoza.** »

« **Colonel?** » She asked him in a scornful tone.

« **Used to be. Love the war paint, by the way.** »

The two women shot each other with their eyes. I could feel the tension and I hated it. It hadn't come to this point for them to screw it up now.

« **Okay, so how do we do this?** » I asked to change the topic.

« **Two at a time.** » She replied, and then she turned to the people still clinging to the fence of the pit: « **Why don't you people get your things, and we'll get started as soon as we're ready topside?** » Nobody moved. Octavia raised her head and nodded to them that it was okay. Only then would they go and get their things. They obeyed her to the letter. What had she done to these people? What was all the circus about?

« **Exactly how many people should we be prepping for extraction?** » McCreary asked, always inspecting the sordid surroundings.

« **1200** » I replied, but my sister cut me off.

« **814** ».

What? I turned my head directly towards her, completely lost. She had lost over 350 people! How was that even possible?

« **Copy that.** » Diyoza finished before speaking on the radio.

A few minutes later, I hung Octavia on the cable that would allow her to go back up. Once again, she would be the first of her people to set foot on earth.

Gaia raised her voice as Octavia climbed up: « **Kom Falau oso na gyon op** » And the crowd took up this Mantra with her under the astonished and questioning gaze of Diyoza and Mc Creary...and mine too, I must confess. We then went back up and helped the rest of the people. In the meantime, you had briefly told me about Kane and your mother and I had learned a bit more about my sister. I had to distract Octavia so that Kane could get out...his life was in danger. By my own sister. I didn't take the time to try to understand. I trusted you.

Miller was happy to see me again, as was I. He had always been present and loyal. I noticed that he was armed when I hugged him. I then walked towards my sister:

« **The deal was no weapons.** »

« **Not my deal.** »

« **I need to talk to you in private. Give me a second, then follow me.** »

Octavia arrived several minutes later. We were in the ruins of Polis.

She came towards me with a sharp and aggressive step. « **Blodreina, the red queen. Tell me about the fighting pit. How did that happen?** » At first she seemed confused and embarrassed. « **Because it looks to me like someone read Ovid a few too many--** »

« **6 years is a long time. Things have changed. I've changed.** » She answered me suddenly.

Elle avait raison. On avait tous changé, on avait tous une vie bien différente d'avant, d'autres habitudes, de nouveaux liens, on avait dû évoluer pour pouvoir survivre d'une manière ou d'une autre...c'était la vérité. Je ne devais plus espérer retrouver la même Octavia que dans mes souvenirs... Je pris quelques secondes pour rassembler mes pensées. À quoi m'attendais-je? La vie sur terre avait suivi son cours tout comme la vie sur l'anneau. Le temps ne s'était pas arrêté malheureusement.

« **We have a lot to talk about, O.** »

« **We do, just not right now. I don't trust these people, Bell. Who are they? Where'd they come from? Why are they helping us?** »

« **I don't trust them either, okay, but I need you to trust me. We have leverage.** »

« **What kind of leverage?** »

I explained to him the deal I had made. We were then interrupted by an explosion. We went to the central fountain to see McCreary and his men pointing their weapons at everyone. One of these weapons being a bazooka, they could do serious damage. We hadn't brought these people out of hell to put them back in.

« **Hey! Hey, what the hell are you doing? One call from me--** »

Diyoza interrupted me: « **Make your call.** »

I tried to reach Raven without success.

« **The deal's off, but nobody has to get hurt. Hold your fire.** » M'informa Diyoza.

You arrive running, immediately taken as a target.

« **Where's your mother?** » She asked you.

« **She's our doctor. You can't have her.** » Octavia said to her, threatening.

« **She asked you a question. Where is the doctor?** » McCreary continued, even more threatening.

One of the prisoners became impatient and brought the bazooka towards us, but Diyoza stopped him.

Abby arrived at that moment. Kane at her side: « **I'm right here. Don't shoot. We'll come without a fight.** »

« **I bet you will, traitor.** » Octavia said to her, angry.

« **We?** » The colonel asked.

« **The two of us. Those are my terms.** »

« **I see where your daughter gets it from. Take them both.** »

« **Mom, what are you doing?** » You asked her worriedly.

« **I love you, Clarke.** »

And they left.

Diyoza then addressed the crowd: « **Okay then. Here are my terms. The valley is ours. Any attempt to get there will be met by overwhemling force. As long as you stay here, we won't have a problem. Is that a problem?** »

Octavia was eye-eating her, if she could have eviscerated her with her own hands I think she would have done it. The last time I had seen my sister staring at someone so hatefully, it was Pike. Except that this time my sister had a whole army idolizing her and obeying her orders.

« **What about Raven and Murphy?** »

« **For now, insurance.** » She ordered to leave, but one of the prisoners didn't listen, he pointed his gun at Octavia.

Fortunately for her, two of her guards did not hesitate for a second to throw themselves in front of her, protecting her. She was thrown backwards, slightly wounded, but she would make it, unlike the two men whose flesh was scattered on the ground.

Diyoza panicked and shouted at his men to retreat. The ship took off.

Indra helped Octavia get up. I went towards her, but Octavia looked at me with a scornful look: « **I trusted you. This is your fault.** »

Miller asked her what they should do now.

« **Now we go to war.** » She answered him resolutely and full of rage.

I was definitely not at the end of my surprises. Fortunately, you were now at my side and together we could face everything, manage everything, even my sister transformed into a modern-day Julius Caesar...couldn't we?


	49. THE HEAD AND THE HEART

Several hours later, you were taking care of the wounded and I was helping the others to clear the rubble.

Suddenly I heard you chasing Miller, but he wasn't listening to you at all. I stood in his way and noticed that several dozen people, warriors, had packed their things just like Miller and were keeping him at his side.

« **Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Where are you going?** »

« **Wish I could tell you, Bellamy.** »

« **Octavia told you not to?** »

You joined us then and understood immediately: « **They're going to Shallow Valley.** »

You were furious and headed straight for my sister, but Miller stopped you and warned you: « **Clarke. Clarke! You can't just do whatever the hell you want here.** »

« **I'm guessing you're moving ahead of the army, to scout forward terrain. Which route are you taking? It's sandstorm season. The wind moves in a predictable path. I've made the trip dozens of times. Trust me. You need my help.** » You said to him while supporting his glance with this determination of which I had been too much deprived. He couldn't stop you, he knew it. When you were in that state no one could, you would just do as you pleased. You were taking things in hand again, my God, what that strength of spirit had missed me, I realized it even more at that moment.

Miller agreed to bring you to Octavia to explain it all to her. Octavia looked at Miller with scorn and surprise. She was really not used to being disobeyed.

You didn't give her time to talk:

« **You can't take the sea route.** »

« **Why? You said the sea is gone. Is it passable or not?** »

« **Yes, maybe. But you have to understand--** »

« **Maybe's good enough for me. Let's move out.** ». Octavia cut you off and wanted to leave. I blocked her way so that she would listen to you, and I immediately found myself with a dozen weapons pointed at me... I hadn't even touched him. I hadn't even touched him. I was his shitty brother! These people knew me! Most of them were my friends. She looked at me as if to defy me and ordered them to lower their guns.

I then told her calmly to avoid her getting angry: « **Please, O, just hear us out.** »

« **Octavia, we're all on the same team. No one wants to get to that valley more than me. It's my home. But this way is too risky.** » You explained to her gently as well. We both understood that my sister wouldn't hesitate to hurt us, or worse, if we got in her way.

« **Risky how?** » Indra asked you.

« **Show me.** » Octavia said to you then.

« **You chose the shortest route, which makes sense, but the dry seabed is hit by almost constant sandstorms.** »

« **We have the tents from the second dawn. Sand won't be a problem.** »

« **It's not just sand. Some of it is crystalized in Praimfaya. I'm talking shards of glass like razor blades. Your tents will be torn to shreads and so will you.** »

You support the arrogant gaze of my sister without letting go of anything. I stood back, looking at you, wondering which of you two would have the last word. And then I became aware of the ordeal you had had to endure alone during her 6 long years, of the dangers you had had to face. You were so resourceful, so strong. I don't know if I could have stood on my own, alone without you. You must have had some very hard times... And I was quiet up there waiting, crying for your death, while you were fighting for your survival...

Cooper took the floor: « **Blodreina is right. Besides, we can only carry rations for 7 days. The sea route will take 6. The next shortest path adds 50 miles. That's two days if we're lucky.** »

Indra followed: « **How do we know there won't be sandstorms on the longer routes?** »

« **Enough.** » My sister roughly cut it off, « **We're doing this. The hydrofarm is barely feeding us now, so if this is the last living valley on Earth, then it should be ours.** » His tone was not a subject for discussion, but I tried anyway:

« **Diyoza thinks the same thing.** »

« **And so we fight.** »

We both lowered our eyes, resigned, and disgusted... We let them leave the room, leaving us alone with Indra. « **Your sister needs you, Bellamy. I'm glad you're here for her. There are packs with the rations here by the door. First batallion! Mount up!** » She said to me before gathering their army. Of course, we were going to accompany them.

« **Am I crazy or were they gonna kill me for getting in her way?** » I asked you again, stunned by their behavior and that of Octavia.

You just wag your head, obviously as flabbergasted as I am. We weren't yet at the end of our surprises.

« **What are we gonna do?** » You asked me.

« **Raven and Murphy are in trouble. I have to go with them.** » You seemed strangely disappointed, but you didn't say anything. I went on and picked up a bag: « **Six-day hike through sandstorm country, gladiator cults. What could go wrong?** » I told you when I handed you the bag... Honestly, even if the situation was gloomy, I was still happy to be able to spend a little more time with you, a little more time before those 6 years caught up with us. « After you. »

And we hit the road.

At nightfall, we took a break and spread out around campfires. We were in the background, around a fire, both of us. We watched them do a weird ritual before eating their ration: " **Omon Gon oson** »

« **_'_ All of me for all of us.' It's kind of beautiful.** ». You said, still looking at them, while my eyes only paid attention to you.

« **How so?** » The only pretty thing I saw in that desert and since I had come down to earth was this fair-haired girl who had changed so much, but not so much in the end, who was standing in front of me by I don't know what miracle. This woman now, whom I could have looked at for the rest of my life. I still couldn't get over seeing you standing there in front of me, alive. I still couldn't believe that I had wasted 6 years of my life away from you, that I had built another life away from you. You were my universe, the only star that lit up my night. « **They lost 400 people. It's a third of everyone in that bunker. They had no idea if they'd ever get out.** » You continued in an empathetic tone of voice towards them, always looking at them... While I still couldn't get away from you, your eyes, already full of light, illuminated by the flames dancing in front of us, which also revived the light in your hair. You continued: « **Yet look at them -- strong, unified. I can see why my mom was terrified, but you gotta admit--it's impressive.** »

You were always looking at them, turning your back on me as if you didn't want to support my gaze that must have been weighing on you. I end up telling you anyway: « **So is surviving alone.** » You were incredible, you didn't even realize how miraculous what you had accomplished was. I could see the still fresh traces of the electric necklace around your neck... You had suffered so much. I would have liked to erase all your pain with a caress if that would have been enough.

You turned to me, plunged your sparkling eyes into mine, which warmed me more than the flames of the fire in the blink of an eye...then turned your gaze away again, as if something was bothering you now, as if you didn't want to let me read you. You were used to reading my soul before, our eyes could stay together for eternity...usually, I would let go first to prevent me from crossing the line and the few centimeters that separated your mouth from mine. But something had changed...

« **How'd you do it?** » You thought for a few moments with your head down and then: « **Well, I wasn't alone.** ». You thought again and then seemed strange before you told me as if you were hiding something else: « **I had Madi.** »... It is only much later that I will understand what you meant that day. You smiled at me and looked away again. You looked so fragile and...shy yes shy, facing me. You had always had the upper hand over me before and you still seemed to want to have it over others, I had seen it in the way you spoke to Miller, Octavia...but not with me. With me, you seemed vulnerable.

« **I'm tired. You can have the rest of my rations. Omon Gon Oson** »

You got up and left right away, wanting to cut our conversation short. I wanted to know everything about your years on earth, and you didn't want to talk about it. I must confess that I didn't want to talk to you either about the years on the ring, about the long months spent crying and regretting you, about the endless hours spent at that window thinking about you with that t-shirt I couldn't leave, about my nightmares where I saw you die too often, about my dreams where I saved you in a thousand different ways…about Echo...I couldn't talk to you about Echo. You probably wouldn't have cared, but I couldn't find the words to tell you, like the feeling that I had betrayed you. But it was Echo that I was betraying by eating your eyes and feeling all this flood of feeling towards you, all this boiling desire that had never gone away in the end. I had betrayed her the very moment I kissed her, knowing that my heart would always belong to you, it had stayed on earth with you, but I had to move on. It's crazy how one of our looks, one of our chaste embraces had nothing to envy the carnal moments shared with her. The alchemy...that was the difference.

I was trying to reach Monty, looking at my sister, thinking of you, my friends, my family now. It all went through my head.

We suddenly heard a cry for help, Miller. He explained that it was Obika. You got out of your tent and went to get the medical kit. He dropped Obika on the ground. The poor man was struggling as if something was burning him from the inside, and it was.

You wanted to stop by to help him, but Cooper stood in your way. You begged my sister to let you help them. She let you pass and you explained that he wasn't dead yet, but his heart was racing. My sister asked Miller for an explanation and he told us that they had had to separate and that he had heard him booing that they were everywhere. Miller had seen nothing.

Suddenly, we saw movement in Obika's belly...like a huge worm moving inside him. Everyone moved back.

« **There's something inside of him.** », cYou saw as each of us with horror. We took him to a tent so that you could take better care of him. You obviously didn't know what it was... I then discovered a hole in his calf as Octavia and Cooper did everything they could to keep you from checking their rations. « **It came from the sand.** »You realized.« **We have to go back.** »

« **What? No.** »

« **Octavia, he told Miller that they were everywhere.** »

« **Yes, but Miller just said he saw nothing.** »

Cooper added that everywhere can mean everywhere in him. Indra didn't really seem to appreciate Cooper's devotion to my sister.

Octavia advised that we would start up again in the morning and if Obika wasn't better she would finish him off herself. You turned to me, distraught.

I stayed by your side in the tent, next to Obika... I was in my thoughts, still shocked by the heartless behavior of my little sister whom I cherished so much.

« **Octavia's not the only one who's changed you know.** » You told me. I turned to you to try to understand...you went on: « **You could've killed those prisoners in cryo, but you didn't. Diyoza would have killed me if not for you. Madi would be alone. You got that bunker open.** »

After more than 6 years, you still had this unshakeable faith in me. You were always the one who knew how to give me back my self-confidence. That hadn't changed. I felt important when I was with you, a good person.

« **Who knew it would turn out to be Pandora's box?** » I confess, I now regret having opened this bunker. If I had known, I would have just saved your life and everything would probably have been easier.

« **I'm serious, Bellamy.** » You turned to me and this time, looked into mine with sincerity and conviction as if to reflect all the trust you had in me... « **The heart and the head.** » This little sentence awakened the rest of what I had kept buried. I remembered our last conversation « I’ve got you for that". Did you want me to understand that I didn't need you anymore? I had learned to think with my head as you had made me promise and I had left my heart with you then, but I will always need you.

« **The heart and the head.** » I answered you...thinking then that we were bound together, dedicated to finding each other no matter what happens to "you and me". You had changed too. You thought with your heart now, you had Madi, just as I had Octavia then. We had managed to survive without each other by trying to fill that missing part of ourselves. But still, I still felt the vital need to be close to you.

« **So...what does your head say about two armies fighting a war in the only green place on Earth?** » you answered me as you put your things away.

« **Same as yours.** » Of course.

There was movement outside, which cut us off from our conversation. A sandstorm came.

You explained that we were stuck. Octavia ordered us to move and keep moving. She pointed out that we were at war because of me.

« **Only if you insist on fighting it.** »

« **Fight or die. That's all there is. You don't understand. I get it. Because you're not one of us.** »

« **Is Obika one of you? Hm? Because you're about to end his life like he means nothing. I understand that.** »

Cooper and another guard threatened me. « **Bellamy** »..... you gently warned me so that I would avoid trouble.

« **Easy. I'd stop if I were you.** » my sister advised me.

Obika screamed and you ran to his tent. We tried to hold him down as best we could. Horrible worms full of blood came out of his belly, piercing his skin... They escaped and we all retreated, but they had time to reach my sister. Indra burned the tent to burn the rest of the worms. We both rushed towards my sister who now had a worm inside her. We ran to my sister who now had a worm inside her. We took her to a tent where you took care of her. I tried to reassure her in spite of everything. You did your best to get the worm out of her arm. Monty finally answered me on the radio and told me that the prisoners were monitoring us by satellite and were ready to send a missile. We had to hide, in the middle of the desert, from a satellite. It was impossible. Apparently, someone would help us from the inside, but we still had to hide. You managed to remove the worm at that point.

« **You still don't understand. Wonkru does not retreat.** » Octavia informed us full of rage. She wouldn't back down, she wanted this valley more than anything. What had happened to her to make her put the lives of hundreds of people in danger! You told her to take it easy, she still had venom in her.

« **Get ready to understand.** » She says finally

A few minutes later, we were in the middle of the sandstorm. Her army surrounded her to protect her, you were at her side to monitor her health. We were all around you, taking the shards of sight from all sides ... And no one contested her idea. Everyone stood up for her. Indeed, it was unbelievable. They were united, ready to do anything for her. Really impressive.

The missile hit where we had left the tents. My sister was obviously right. Wonkru was ready to follow her everywhere even if it meant dying for their queen.


	50. YOU ARE THE ENEMY OF WONKRU

The next day, in broad daylight, we couldn't help but notice the enormous damage, the dozens of dead, and the large number of wounded that you were treating. And of course, you always took care of my sister.

I watched you in the distance... In spite of the years, the changes, my new "family", the new bonds created, you were always the 2 strongest and most important women for me, the 2 people I cared about the most.

I joined you the moment Octavia thanked you: « **Thank you for saving my life.** »

« **You saved ours.** »I remarked to her. « **You were right. Wonkru is strong. Just like their leader.** » I had to eat humble pie and work things out with her. We had all changed after all, I had to give her a chance, try to understand her.

I helped to raise her up... « **I'm glad you're alive, big brother.** »She said to me, grabbing my arm, still weak. She then grabbed my neck and kissed my cheek tenderly. I enjoyed and savored this moment of tenderness with my sister...it didn't last. She then whispered in my ear: « **But if you ever speak out against Wonkru again, then you are an enemy of Wonkru. And you are my enemy.** » She threatened me by grabbing both sides of my face to make me understand that she was very serious. A vehicle suddenly approached, the Rover. Madi got out first and didn't pay attention to the dozens of guns pointed at her. She immediately ran towards you and jumped into your arms. You turned her around and smiled... You seemed so happy to find her. I was happy for you, happy to see you care about someone in this way... Monty and Harper went downstairs, but looked shocked to see the Wonkru's and my sister's condition. Then it was Echo's turn, who trotted over to me and hugged me. I was reassured to see her again and kissed her, forgetting for a moment my sister and you, even though the kiss didn't taste the same as before. I couldn't push her away and I still cared about her. I couldn't sweep away her last years in one fell swoop as if nothing had happened. Maybe the old Bellamy would have done it without hesitation. But not this one.

Echo suddenly seemed to feel my sister's gaze and stared at her. Personally, it wasn't my sister's gaze that I felt, but yours. And it bothered me more than I should have. I turned around, indeed, Octavia was looking at us meanly. She wouldn't forgive Echo so easily, she wouldn't accept our relationship and forget the past... The trouble was just beginning.

She didn't say a word to me after that, but ordered the return to Polis. My sister had agreed to retreat. You didn't say a word to me either. You briefly greeted Echo, hugged Monty and Harper, and walked back to Polis beside Madi who wouldn't let go of you. It was strange to see you acting like a mother. The love you had for this child was truly undeniable.

You seemed to want to avoid me, to be embarrassed, even angry since they had joined us. Was it because of Echo? It couldn't have been anything else... nothing else had changed since the day before when you still seemed so amazed that I was with you.

We arrived at Polis and you went to take care of my sister in the bunker.

Once Octavia was well again, I wanted to talk to her about my relationship with Echo. I knew how much she hated her. She had banished her, Echo had tried twice to kill her... Still, it was easier for me to confront my sister about it, than you.

« **Octavia. Glad to see you back on your feet. She tried to get in to see you, but they wouldn't let--** » She didn't let me finish and shot Echo with her eyes:

« **What is she doing here?** »

« **I just wanted to thank you for saving my people.** » Echo replied, not really confident.

« **They're not your people. Azgeda is a memory. There is only Wonkru, and there is no place in it for you.** »

I tried to reason with my sister: « **I know you two have history, but Echo is on our side. She proved herself dozens of times on the ring.** »

« **This isn't the ring.** » My sister raised her voice: « **Wonkru, I banished this murderer from the bunker six years ago. My judgment still stands.** »

« **O...** » I didn't know what to say to her...

« **She has 24 hours. If she's still here by then, she fights in the arena.** » She left without allowing negotiation.

I couldn't let her. Echo deserved her place among us, she had helped us, she had helped me, and maybe even saved me. I already felt guilty enough that I didn't care about her as much as she cared about me. I already felt guilty enough for being fully aware that my heart belonged to another... I couldn't let her be killed because of my sister. She had really changed. She had saved me from myself and helped me hold on to the ring. In a way, I also owed her my life...

« **I'll be right back.** » I said to her as I left to join Octavia.

« **Octavia! Octavia, stop. It was six years ago. You just can't cast her out. She won't survive.** »

She totally ignored me, but turned around after hearing the alarm horns...Diyoza's ship was coming.

« **Bellamy. Bellamy, get in the bunker.** » She finally wanted to protect me...but I couldn't...

« **Not without Echo.** »

I joined Echo and we took shelter in the ruins... In the end, it wasn't an attack, but a sending of provisions. We heard Diyoza's voice in the microphone, offering peace to those who wanted it. She was going to send a ship and offer shelter and food to those who were fed up with my sister. If Octavia attacked the ship, they would respond with missiles... That was basically the message. And Octavia was enraged!

I was in front of my sister's office, unable to enter, not even trying to get in, while she was holding a meeting with her advisors and guards. You came in like a fury and didn't bother to wait outside. Monty and Harper were following you. You must have had a plan. You weren't afraid of her. You had never been afraid of many people, in fact. You had seemed so vulnerable and fragile when I found you...but not anymore, you had regained your rage to conquer and live. Protecting Madi must have been what motivated you so much. You entered the office and I followed you then, to help if I could, and also to be by your side and protect you as much as I could.

Miller stood in your way, but my youngest daughter let you pass. She finally seemed to have more consideration for you than for me.

« **We all have people in that valley that need our help.** »

« **If you're talking about your mother, I am not interested in rescuing traitors. I'm trying to prevent more of them.** »

« **Your people are hungry and you're worrying about defectors? We should stop wasting time looking for enemies in Polis, and we should start trying to find a way back into that valley.** »

I felt the way you glanced at me...but I felt that it was different from what I usually feel, disappointed...

« **Last time I checked, Diyoza can see our every move.** » My sister answered me.

« **That's where Monty comes in.** » Harper said.

Monty explained that he could hack into their camera system.

Octavia agreed, but asked her guards to shoot anyone who tried to desert. And she left.

We both got out as well.

« **That is not my sister.** »

Madi was with Gaia...your gaze was fixed on them, terrified... You didn't listen to me, didn't look at me. « **Clarke?** »

« **I'm sorry, I have to go.** » And you ran to Madi without even looking at me. I would just stand there, standing in front of the office door, watching you protect this little girl as if she were your own blood. I knew right away that you would stop at nothing to protect her. You were acting exactly as I had done with Octavia.

I then tried to find my sister who was training with Cooper.

« **I told you not to go easy.** » She said.

« **Maybe you should fight someone who's not afraid of you.** » I said, bursting into the room.

« **Cooper, give him your sword.** »

« **Sure you're up for this?** » I asked her as I was about to fight her.

She came at me violently, but I managed to stop her.

« **You fight like Azgeda.** » She challenged me in a scornful tone.

« **Not a lot to do in space for six years, picked up a few things.** »

She reiterated an attack that I still managed to counteract. I continued: « **Let's get something straight. If Echo leaves, I am going with her.** » 

She reattached me with more rage and I found it harder to resist... « **She is not your enemy. You don't even know her.** »

« **I know what she's done. Gina at Mount Weather. Ahh! Ilian in the conclave. Me on that damn cliff.** »She was right. But she was entitled to a second chance. Didn’t she?

I end up taking her down: « **We all have things to answer for, things that shouldn't be forgiven but are because we did them for our people, our family. Echo is no different. She was an Azgeda spy, but now she's with me, your brother who is trying very hard to understand who you are now compared to who you were six years ago. All I'm asking is for you to do the same.** » The emotion starts to rise. I dropped the sword and went out.


	51. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ?

I joined Echo and told her that I would come with her, whether she wanted to or not. I won't let her die alone. I will never forgive myself.

« **We've been through this. You're not going with me.** »

« **Like hell I'm not. We survive together, all of us, like always.** »

« **Monty and Harper are coming, too?** »

« **Yes** ». I had indeed informed them and they agreed.

« **ou are not dying for me, and neither are they. Your sister needs you here, Bellamy. She's fighting an enemy she can't beat, and now Diyoza is using the fact that her people know it to pull them apart.** »

Octavia entered at that moment: « **So what would you do about it, spy?** »

« **The truth? Surrender. Only a fool fights a war they can't win.** »

« **I've got a better idea. Spy for me. When that ship comes back tonight, people will try to defect, and I can't let that happen.** »

« **Octavia, that is not what I meant.** » I said to her, once again disappointed by what she was about to do, but relieved that she was giving Echo a chance.

« **No, but it's smart. If no one goes for the ship, Diyoza will think Wonkru's still unified. She'll lose faith in Kane.** » Echo replied, obviously agreeing with her.

« **What happens to the people that she turns in?** » I asked her.

« **Root out the traitors, bring me their names before they defect, and your banishment is lifted.** »

Echo nodded and that annoyed me. I went to join Monty to see if he could find a solution to hack Diyoza's ship and the surveillance system.

« **Would you stop pacing?** » He commanded me, annoyed.

« **Can you do it or not?** »

« **I have access to the mother ship from the Laser-comm, but everything's encrypted, so no. When we were up there, I could have opened a backdoor from the inside, but we didn't know they had a damn camera!** » He got angry when he ripped out a cable.

« **Hey, hey, Monty. Take it easy.** » I approached him to try to calm down while I was in the same state internally.

« **Look, why are we even doing this? So your sister can go to war? What happened to us being the good guys?** »

« **We are.** »

« **Really? Letting her kill people for defecting. Correction -- thinking about defecting.** »

« **Raven's a prisoner. Murphy has a shock collar around his neck and is alone in the woods with Emori. This...this is how we get back to them. Come on, just try again.** » I asked him calmly.

« **I'm telling you, I can't do it from here.** »

Echo entered the room with a burial head.

« **What's the matter? No takers?** » I asked her as I approached.

« **Oh, no. There were takers. I'm just not turning them in.** »She approached me and spoke a little lower: « **Some bad things went on down here, Bellamy. No one will talk about it, not even the ones that want to defect. I can see it in their faces. I'm sorry. I know this means I'll be banished, but I can't do it.** »

She took my hand ...

« **Then let's defect with them.** » I said to her without really thinking about the consequences for me. I couldn't abandon him. I felt responsible. And it was thanks to her that I had been able to keep my head above water for the last few years.

I turned to Monty: « **You said you can't do it from here, but we could do this if we had inside help, right?** »

« **I could put the backdoor code in a thumb drive.** » He nodded and handed us a key.

« **Bellamy, Octavia's not joking when she said defectors will be shot.** » Echo warned me one last time.

« **Admittedly, not a perfect plan.** » I admitted. But it was the only one we had, the only one we could think of. Bringing Octavia up to speed was our only chance to stay alive, however small.

So we decided to go find her to explain our plan and hope she would agree. We entered her office.

« **So, what do you have for me?** »

« **Nothing you're gonna like.** » I warned her before Echo continued.

« **I'm not turning people in so you can execute them.** »

« **A spy and a murderer with a conscience. You're right, Bellamy, she has changed.** » My sister replied ironically.

« **Do you have the names or not?** » Cooper intervened.

« **There's something else.** » I continued :« **Monty was wrong. He can't hack the eye from here, not without inside help.** »

« **So you've both failed?** » Cooper replied.

« **Not exactly.** »I replied by showing the key to my sister.

« **What is that?** »

« **Inside help. There's a program on it which opens the backdoor to their systems, giving us control of the camera on their mother ship. Monty says it's easy to use if we can get inside their firewall.** »

« **You want me to let you defect?** » She replied simply, surprised.

« **Either that or your people starve to death here in Polis when your farms stop producing.** »

She shook her head: « **Out of the question. I'm not sending you on a suicide mission.** » My sister was perhaps still somewhere under this armor and this make-up finally...

« **Octavia.** »

« **Diyoza knows who you are. She knows you're my brother. She'll never believe you're a defector.** »

« **She'll believe me.** » Echo intervened.« **I already have the perfect cover. I'm banished. The defectors think I'm one of them. All you have to do is let me go alone.** »

« **I don't like it. Letting traitors go will promote dissent.** » Cooper said. My sister's doggie was seriously starting to annoy me!

« **You're right. It's a political sacrifice, but a necessary one if you want your people to survive.** »

Octavia stared at her...then her gaze fell on me. She thought for a moment. She turned to Cooper: « **Call off the patrols. That's an order.** » Then she turned to Echo again and walked towards her, threatening her: « **But once you're on the ship, you're on your own. If you're discovered or you fail to take down the eye, no one is coming to save you.** »

Let's say it was already a good start...

We went back to our tent where Monty explained the key and the bracelet to Echo. He finished by taking her in his arms: « **Don't get killed, okay? You're the only one who liked my algae.** »

« **Actually, I was just being polite.** » She replied with a smirk.

They left us both. I was lost. I knew she could do it, yet I felt like I was sending her straight to her death. I felt guilty. I didn't dare look her in the eye. I suddenly remembered Gina...I couldn't lose her. I couldn't send someone else to their death just because you had come back into my life and you were so much more important to me than anyone else. I had to respect her, keep my commitments. I couldn't give it up and yet...damn it, I felt guilty about it.

« **I've got this.** » She told me.

« **Yeah, I know.** » I answered her with a voice broken by fear. « **So once the eye's down, it'll take at least six days for Octavia and her army to get there but you know, I'll be in the rover and I can get there...** » She didn't let me finish and grabbed my face tenderly but powerfully. I still didn't look at her, knowing full well that tears would fall if I looked into her eyes. I didn't deserve her either.

Yet she forced me to look up... « **We found each other in a cage. Whatever happens, I know we'll find each other again.** »I caught her in my turn...wanting to give her the strength and courage to do it, wanting to reassure her, to reassure myself. Also needing to evacuate all this tension that had been haunting me since we landed.

I'm not going to detail what happened next...I don't think it's necessary. But just know that even in the intensity and tragedy of that moment, it was your face that I saw. And I was so angry at myself.

Then the time came. I came out of the tent and said goodbye to Echo. She left. I felt an intense, sad look on my face. I turned my head and crossed Madi's gaze and also yours...which for once I had trouble deciphering. Was it pain? Disappointment? Was it jealousy? I had never seen this type of emotion coming from you. You immediately turned it away, addressed Madi tenderly and came towards me.

I walked towards you, torn between the relief of having you by my side, knowing that everything would be better once you were there, and the guilt of feeling that relief, that inner peace no matter what happened. I was attached to Echo, I had feelings for her, but it was nothing like that.

« **Echo's defecting?** » You asked.

« **Not exactly. Come on, I'll explain in the bunker.** »

« **Bellamy, we're leaving too.** »

« **What?** »

« **It's not safe for us here.** »

« **No. Clarke, you don't understand. Echo's defecting so we can take down the eye, and once it's down--** »

« **No, you don't understand.** » You answered me with the same zeal with which you used to impose your ideas. This ardor so deep that I admired so much. « **Diyoza is the least of my concerns. Your sister is dangerous, and Madi's...** » You turned to her, but she was gone. Suddenly panic and fear came over you and I felt helpless. You ran to your tent and came out even more panicked. I didn't understand.

« **She's gone. We have to find her. Now.** » I don't ponder and go by your side. I was no longer thinking about Echo or the risks she was taking. The only thing I wanted was to help you. We looked for her in the ruins. The ship was there

« **We're out of time.** » You blow. Only then did I think Echo might be living out her last moments.

Then we heard the gunshots. Despite Octavia's orders, they were shooting down deserters. We searched for the source of the shots and moved towards it to stop it. It was Cooper.

« **What the hell is wrong with you? Octavia said to let them go.** »

« **Who do you think gave me the order?** » Echo had managed to get through, as agreed. But unfortunately, not everyone did.

We ran to the Bunker where Octavia was beside Madi with a knife. You were petrified...

« **Octavia, get away from her.** »

« **Clarke it's okay. I came to her.** » Madi replied.

Octavia slashed her hand and did the same on Madi's hand.

« **Let her pass.** » She ordered her guards.

You ran to her while they made a blood pact. Octavia recognized Madi as a Wonkru.

You reached her: « **What the hell are you doing?** »

You took her bloody hand...Madi reassured you: « **It's okay. She knows everything.** »

You looked at Octavia as you had never done before: you were afraid of her.

« **I understand why you lied, Clarke, you were just trying to protect her.** »She told you simply. « **But Madi no longer needs your protection. She has mine. I know what it's like to be the girl under the floor. You don't have to be afraid anymore.** » She added to Madi by caressing her face with her bloody hand. « **Your training begins tomorrow.** »

She turned to you again: « **Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.** » It sounded more like a cautionary tale, actually.

You grabbed a piece of cloth and healed Madi's hand.

« **I know you're mad, but I told her I don't want to be commander. I did it to keep you safe.** »

« **That's my job.** » You replied. « **And you made it a whole lot harder.** »

It made me think of what I told you when we defeated ALIE...that it wasn't easy to keep you alive...You understood now that it felt like it when you wanted the safety of the person you love but they were doing everything they could to put themselves in danger.

My sister joined me. « **We had a deal. You said you would let them go.** »

« **I said I would let Echo go, and I did.** »

« **You murdered your own people.** »

« **I executed traitors, and I made it look like a real defection. Do you really think Diyoza would believe Echo's story if I just let them go? Let me know when the eye is down.** » She said to me before closing her door in my face.


	52. MAKE ALGAE NOT WAR

I immediately went to the control monitors to see if Echo had succeeded...I spent the night with my eyes glued to the screen, praying for a sign. I also thought about your behavior. It wasn't like you to want to run away, to want to put the life of one person ahead of the general welfare. Yet I understood that Madi was the center of your concerns now. Things had changed so much in the end. We had both developed other bonds, other attachments. The only time you had done this was when you let me open that hatch after the conclave...could things ever go back to the way they were before?

In the early morning, Harper joined me and offered to replace me...

« **It's been 8 hours. Raven could have built a cathedral by now.** »

« **They'll get it done.** »

« **I know. I just wish it was me over there.** » My sister and Indra entered at that time.

« **Well? Any word?** » She asked.

Harper answered her: « **Look, we knew it would take some time. We can count on Echo.** »

« **Wouldn't be the first time she betrayed us.** » she hurled.

« **If your brother trusts her, maybe we should, too.** » Indra recommended him.

I didn't dare to turn around, this girl was no longer my little sister. It was Blodreina, not Octavia.

« **You're still upset we shot the traitors. I get how that must look to you, but we're fighting for our lives here, Bellamy.** »

She approached me while I still turned my back on her. « **The hydrofarm is on its last legs. Truth is, it's a miracle you showed up when you did. I haven't thanked you enough for that.** »

She laid a hand tenderly on me and softened her voice...

I turned slightly... « **If we can just get to Shallow Valley, things will be better, I promise.** » She seemed sincere yet I couldn't believe it. « **Funny, that's the same thing we said about getting back down to the ground. Then we found you.** »

Then her eyes hardened and she left.

« **Your sister officially scares me.** » Harper confided to me. She scared everyone, I think.

A few hours later, you and Monty came to find me and told me that you had found a lab behind the farm. A human was kept there with worms in him. They were raising worms.

« **My sister never approved of human testing. I don't care how crazy it's become down here.** »

« **Desperation has a way of making the unimaginable a necessity.** » You answered me. The idea that you weren't just talking about Octavia crossed my mind, you were talking about something else, but ... « **Still, if she weaponizes those things and sends them into the valley, then Echo, Raven, Murphy, Kane, your mom--** » You had understood me…

« **Not just them. All of us.** » Monty intervened. « **Unleashing an invasive species on the last arable land on earth is a monumentally bad idea.** »

I took my head in my hands, exhausted by this flood of problems that had been coming from all sides since we had landed.

« **Even if Octavia does know, she won't listen to me. We need help.** » I explained by pointing at Indra.

I stood up. « **Be diplomatic.** » You recommended to me.

I arrived in front of Indra who barely looked at me: « **Can I talk to you privately?** »

She didn't answer me, but you joined me quickly.

« **Hey, we need to talk to Indra. Get out.** » You order other people around.

Indra approved and they stood up as we sat down... « **Real diplomatic.** » I whispered to you ironically. « **Indra, would Cooper do something without my sister's approval?** »

« **Only if she got mine first, but since I don't know what the hell you're talking about, it's hard to say.** »

You took over: « **She brought back the worms.** »

« **She's breeding them, experimenting on defectors. One of them is still alive.** » I continued.

Indra seemed astonished. « **Why would she do that?** »

« **My guess trying to find a way to keep them dormant long enough to deliver them in the next defection.** »

« **Good plan. Show me.** » Despite what she said, she didn't seem to like it.

So we took her to the lab, where she became aware of the atrocity of the scene, and so did I. How could my sister allow this? Indra shortened the suffering of the poor trapped man.

Our eyes met briefly...

« **Your fight is over Tarik from Shallow Valley Clan. Let's get this over with.** » Indra told us.

But Octavia and Cooper entered at that moment. « **What the hell are they doing here, Indra?** »She asked Indra.

« **You wanted to see me?** »

« **You knew about this.** » At that moment, I realized that my sister no longer existed, she had become a monster... She terrified me, she had no more limits. How could she have come to this point?

« **Of course I knew about this. It was my idea. We're up against an army with superior firepower and every geographic advantage. This is how we overcome that.** »She explained as rationally as possible.

« **What happens when your secret weapon destroys the valley you're fighting for?** »

« **I ran some tests. The worms can't survive in a green environment for more than a few days, long enough to kill everyone they come in contact with before we get there.** » Cooper explained in turn.

« **Are we really having this conversation?** »I was getting angry. « **Our friends are there, people we love.** »

« **Acceptable losses.** ». She replied without any emotion. « **Cooper, check on the worms. Come on, big brother. How many innocent lives have you sacrificed, or you, Wanheda? This is no different. You were just trying to save your people. So am I.** »

Cooper returned. « **You killed him.** »

« **No. You did.** » Indra replied.

« **One of the defectors survived.** »

« **Looks like we found something that's not acceptable.** » I remarked to my sister ironically.

Cooper moved towards Octavia: « **Blodreina I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but the results were remarkable. The worms reproduced 3 times faster in a live body, and we need quantity as well as control. I found that--** »

« **Octavia, you don't want to do this.** » You tried to reason with her one last time.

« **Spare me, your hypocrisy, Clarke. Miller told me about the man that you irradiated in Becca's lab..** » You lowered your head, not very proud of this umpteenth painful memory.

« **.and just how long did your test subject survive?** » She asked to Cooper « **Long enough for a defector to board their ship and fly to the valley.** »

« **Octavia, please, don't do this.** » I begged her.

« **I don't want anything to happen to your friends, Bellamy, not even Echo-- please believe that--but this is war. Once we control the eye in the sky, we send the worms. Cooper, choose one of the elite guards to deliver it. It's time for Wonkru to go home.** »

We had to do something. We went to Monty and Harper to explain my sister's plan and find another one to save this valley.

« **Let's go over this again. As soon as Echo and Raven get the Eye down, we take the Rover. We drive across the wasteland. We break out our people before Wonkru attacks with the worms.** »

« **Octavia will expect us to do something like that. She'll post sentries.** » You answered me.

« **That's too bad for the sentries.** »

Monty bumped into the desk at that moment. He had tears in his eyes and came to read the letter from Jasper that you had found in the Ark.

« **This, this was supposed to be Jasper's suicide note after we pulled him out of the City of Light. He was gonna put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.** »

« **Monty, now's not the time.** » You tried to calm him down.

« **Now is the perfect time.** » He got angry.

He began to read the letter: « **'Monty, I know you're an optimist. You think better days are ahead, but that's not true. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There's only the tunnel, another enemy to fight, another war. I've come to the conclusion that we're the problem human beings, all of us. The cycle can't be broken as long as we're here. That's why I won't be here. That's why.'** » He could not finish and broke into tears.

Harper stepped forward to comfort him. Monty finally managed to explain: « **Jasper was smarter than all of us. It doesn't matter what we do. Coming back to the ground, opening the bunker, all we've done is made things worse. If a war is the only way to have the last survivable land on earth, then maybe we don't deserve it.** »

And he went out, and left us there, the three of us, with this sad truth that he had just made us aware of. Harper left to join him while we both stayed and watched the monitor.

It was cold, we didn't speak. You were as distant as you had ever been before. I didn't insist. I didn't really feel like talking anyway. « **Bellamy, something's happening.** ». You finally announced me. « **We're in. Echo did it.** »

I was relieved... « **Okay.** » I stepped forward to go warn my sister.

« **Wait, Bellamy. As soon as we tell her, she marches to war and unleashes those worms.** »

« **That's why we got to get there first. We take the Rover. We get our people out. Then we worry about stopping the war, okay?** »

You nodded your head without much conviction... I continued: « **Good. I'll get Monty and Harper. You get Madi. We leave tonight.** »

I left without waiting for your answer and joined Monty.

« **Monty, come on. Echo got it done. Time to program the loop so we can go.** » He didn't move.

« **No.** »

« **What?** » I got closer and saw that he was still holding Jasper's letter in his hands. « **I miss him, too. Jasper should have been with us on the ring, but he wasn't because he gave up, and if he hung on a little longer and-** »

« **And what? We're doing it again.** »

« **Doing what, saving our friends?** »

« **We save our friends by stopping this war, not by facilitating it.** »

« **Yeah. That sounds great, but unless you have an idea-** » He plunged his hand into his pocket. « **What?** » He took a bottle of seaweed out of the ring. « **'Make algae, not war.' That's cute.** »

« **Wonkru's about to fight for that valley because they don't think they can survive here, but with this, they can.** »

« **Yeah, if the early batches don't kill them like they nearly did us.** » I was trying to make a joke.

« **That-that's before I got the recipe right, and you know it.** » He defended himself, which made me smile.

« **Look. I'm sorry, okay? It is a good idea. And I know you wanted to avoid all this.** »

« **But our friends come first?** »

I nodded my head.

« **God, I miss space.** » He finally tells me. We went back to the monitor so Monty could play the video of the loop. We were waiting for more than you and Madi, but you arrived alone and visibly preoccupied.

« **Where's Madi?** » I asked you.

« **With your sister.** » You answered me, annoyed.

« **Clarke, we don't have time for this. We have to leave now. As soon as Diyoza realizes what Echo did, she's dead. We have no choice.** »

« **You're wrong. We have one.** » You walked to the office and grabbed the radio. Monty stopped you by putting his hand on yours...

« **Wait. What are you doing?** »

« **Stopping the cycle.** » You replied. So he let you take the radio.

« **This is Clarke Griffin. I have a question for Colonel Diyoza.** »

« **Hello, Clarke. It's been too long. What the hell do you want?** »

« **What would it take for you to share the valley?** »

« **Share it? Well, let me see. Short of an unconditional surrender, nothing.** »

Monty stepped in... « **Octavia will never surrender.** »

« **That's why we're gonna take her out.** » You answered then that I had just understood that you would stop at nothing to protect Madi and this valley... you were right of course, I would have done the same thing if it wasn't my sister in command of this army. But I had to find another plan. I understood that you wanted to protect Madi from Octavia, but I still didn't think my sister was capable of attacking a child.

Again, we would disagree, and I believe this was what you were after in the end. The way you've been acting these last few days since Madi and Echo had joined us... You were so cold and distant with me. It wasn't like you. It was never like you. Even in the first few weeks on earth when we were in deep disagreement...that was different. Was it just the 6 years we had been away from each other that changed everything? No, it was more than that. I could feel it. I knew it. Your behavior had changed from the moment Echo arrived...not impossible, Clarke Griffin could go through thousands of emotions and I had discovered them all, I could decipher them all...but jealousy? Never! You were above that... No ?


	53. I PROMISE

« **I don't care how you make it happen, Clarke, bring her to me in chains and I'll do it for you, or she can surrender herself. But your red queen doesn't seem like the type.** » Diyoza continued.

I shook my head, not being able to believe my ears. We were seriously talking about handing over my sister? I was from behind, lost, confused... I could nevertheless feel your look on me.

« **Let us worry about that.** » You replied.

« **We have an understanding then.** »

« **We do.** »

« **Good. Call me back when it's done and we can work out the details of your crossing. Over and out.** »

« **No way.** » I said once that she could no longer hear.

« **Bellamy...** » I didn't let you argue:« **We are not killing my sister, Clarke. I don't care how crazy she is. Run the loop. The rover's charged. We're getting our friends. That was reckless. We had a plan. You agreed.** »

Monty and Harper did what I told them. I put my things away and you didn't move. I didn't dare look at you.

« **That was before Octavia made Madi her second. That army marches to war as soon as they find out the eye is down. I can't let that happen.** »

We all turned around... Harper seemed particularly touched.

« **So we don't tell anyone?** »

« **They'll know as soon as we drive away.** » Monty continued.

« **Who cares? We grab Madi, and we go.** » I answered.

« **Bellamy, she's by her side.** »

« **She's my sister, Clarke.** »

« **I know. Tell me what else to do.** »

« **We stop the war.** » Monty replied.

« **How?** » Harper added.

« **Algae. Cooper already gave me permission to show what it can do. She's meeting me before the afternoon so I can take her to the---** »

« **Monty, That's enough.** » I said to him, taking the jar from his hands.

« **Hey, give it back.** »

« **Monty, Bellamy's right. Cooper's worse than Octavia. No offense. Besides the first batch put Murphy in a coma for almost a week. By the time it's ready to eat--** »

I gave him back the bottle and Monty cut him off:« **The first culture, and we're not gonna eat it this time. We're gonna feed it to the plants. If I can make the farm viable again, then we'll still have a chance.** »

Octavia walked in at that moment and discovered that the loop was working. She ordered Cooper to load the worms and Miller to prepare the army... We were officially at war.

She left, leaving us stunned. I gave you a quick glance, but enough to see your eyes in panic, in tears...

We had to find a solution, quickly, a solution that would not put my sister's life in danger and that could avoid war.

I agreed to go with you to ask Indra for advice. We went to the ruins, to the shelter where we met her. We hardly spoke to each other while we waited for her. I hated that it was so cold between us. Usually, the only times it had been, it was me who had put some distance between us, me who was angry. You always managed to break the ice. But this time it was very different. That freezing cold came from you and I didn't understand it, or didn't want to understand it... I didn't know what to do to fix the situation, and the fact that you wanted to risk Octavia's life didn't help.

« **We're readying for war. Do you know the risk I'm taking meeting you here?** »

« **Yes. Thank you for coming.** » I answered him before you spoke:

« **I talked to Colonel Diyoza. She's offering all of Wonkru safe passage to the valley. All Octavia has to do is surrender.** » I shook my head again...

« **As it's by now, you've realized she would never do that, I'll ask you again. What do you want from me?** »

« **Peace without war is still possible. Now, you're her advisor. She'll listen to you.** » I said to him.

« **Why would I advise her to surrender in a war she's likely to win? Thanks to you, we can march freely on the enemy while the worms ravage them. By the time we get to the valley, the only thing left to do will be to clean up the mess.** »

« **And if the worms ravage the valley?** »

« **A risk she's willing to take.** »

« **Are you?** »

« **It's not up to me.** »

« **What if it was?** » You replied.

« J **I will not help you kill my leader.** »Indra answered you

« **Neither will I. What if the outcome of the war wasn't certain, is she didn't have the worms? Would she still fight?** » I continued.

« **If she didn't have the worms, both sides would take heavy losses.** »

« **Exactly. If all it took to save her people from that and deliver them to the promised land was surrender, would she do it?** »

« **I would hope so. Of course, you would never see the promised land because she would know it was you and, brother or not, throw you in the pits.** »

« **Not if she thought it was Cooper.** » You added.« **There's a failsafe in the processing room--I saw it when I was there--a way to kill the worms if they ever--** »

« **Folly! Cooper would never push that button, and since she's the only one that handles the worms--** »

« **Cooper would be dead.** » You shut it down. You stared at me, I looked away, but it was a really good plan, and then Cooper was hateful, and she would look up at Octavia. It could work and it would spare my sister. An acceptable, necessary loss, one of many...« **We'll make it look like an accident. You would be the first responder. You would hit the failsafe button. No more worms.** »

« **No more war.** » Indra continued, obviously in agreement. Then you looked at me and I nodded. We wouldn't have a better plan.

Monty had to talk to Cooper about the seaweed, it was the perfect time. So we sneaked into the algae farm behind the lab and I took care of Cooper. Monty didn't want to open us up, he didn't want to kill her, didn't agree with our way of doing it of course.

When I explained to him that it was a matter of taking one life to save hundreds, he told me that all we had to do was take Octavia's life... Of course, that wasn't possible, as he suspected.

He finally opened the door and left without saying a word to us, looking down in disbelief at what he was helping us to do once again.

« **We're doing the right thing.** » You told me as if to persuade yourself.

« **If you say it enough, maybe I'll believe you.** » I answered you as I dragged Cooper into the lab.

We locked her in the lab and stood in front of the glass panes watching her suffocate under the influence of the worms that had quickly entered her body. The spectacle was unbearable and we turned our heads away, but we had to make sure she was dead to make our plan work.

You didn't seem to have the courage to wait until the end, but it was obvious that she didn't have long left.

« **Let's go. It'll work. Octavia will have to surrender. This is how we get to peace.** » You told me before leaving to wait in your tent.

You were sitting on your bed, I was pacing back and forth...praying that it would work, that it would save us, that it would save this valley, the human race and by the way, my little sister. « **You're a good brother, Bellamy. I'm sorry that I thought I could--** »

« **Kill my sister?** » I answered you with a smirk on my face. It didn't make me laugh, but I knew that deep down you couldn't have done this to me...and it reassured me to hear you say it.

You didn't look at me, but nodded your head, eyes down, ashamed. I continued then.

« **The truth is, if she was anybody else, I would've beat you to it.** » I' m admitted.

« **I don't know about that. Maybe the old Bellamy, but not this one.** » You said that as if you didn't recognize me anymore and I don't know if that was a good thing or not. You seemed to appreciate the person I had become, the one who had respected your last wishes to the letter by using his head before his heart...yet your gaze on me had changed, at first more tender than before, now colder...so distant. « **Suddenly, I'm the one letting my heart rule my head.** » You looked at me sadly. We had reversed our roles...

« **Mama bears don't think. They just protect their young.** » I said to you with a big smile, more frankly this time. You gave me back my smile, but still seemed embarrassed by a few things. How I would have liked to read your thoughts as easily as before. Although, when it came to me, I couldn't know what you were really thinking...or maybe I was afraid to find out. I wish I could have guessed your thoughts, told myself that I was not crazy, that the signs I was perceiving were not just the result of my imagination, that you were desperately trying to be strong for two, to spare us this path that I had never had the guts to take, this path so attractive leading to the only destination that would make us complete. ...We spared it because unfortunately we had already taken 2 different roads and we were neither sure that we could turn back, nor were we sure that they would lead us to the same place.

We didn't have the time to continue this conversation. Miller entered, pointing his gun at you, followed by my sister.

« **Take her.** »

Miller put the handcuffs on you: « **You're under arrest for the murder of Kara Cooper.** »

« **What? No. This is insane.** » I shouted as your imploring gaze met mine.

Octavia explained: « **Is it? We weren't taking the worms. The eggs are already loaded in the rover, so what was Cooper doing there?** »

I lowered my head and looked at you, you were close to cracking up, but you were not struggling...

« **Careful, big brother, or I'll think you helped her, and we don't have enough prisoners to settle this in the arena.** »

You looked at me and shook your head to warn me not to try anything. You were resigned.

« **Oh, well. I guess we'll have to settle for an execution.** » She continued. She went out and Miller took you.

You had just enough time to implore me: « **Keep Madi safe. Promise me.** »

« **I promise.** » I answered you without much conviction as the tears began to flow.

I couldn't let you die. You hadn't survived 6 years alone or almost 6 years, 6 years where you had to raise a little girl you didn't know, 6 years where you had to learn how to survive...you didn't do it for nothing! And above all: I hadn't found you to see you die! No, I won't survive a second time. I won't be able to go through this again. As strange as our relationship may be now, our bond was still as strong as I knew it, it just took time to learn how to rebuild it. We were not so different from the people we were 6 years ago. All I had to do was find you again and my heart awoke. That kind of bond doesn't just crumble like that.

My instinct was always to protect you. This love that was so pure, so strong, that had survived the trials, the years without you, the arms of another, our respective changes...it was this feeling that resonated inside of me and pushed me to do something I thought I couldn't do.


	54. A TRAITOR WHO YOU LOVE !

I was going to request an audience with my sister. Since when did I have to ask permission to talk to her? It was really going too far.

She was with her closest counselors in the office, sharing their meals and working out their plan of attack.

She let me in and let the others out, so it was just the two of us.

I tried to call Miller before he came out, but he barely reacted. So I found myself alone with my sister...or rather alone with Blodreina in the guise of Octavia.

« **Don't threaten my people, Bellamy.** »

« **I can't let you kill Clarke, O.** » I just tell her.

« **Here we go again, pleading for the life of a traitor who you love.** » She said to me with a small sidelong glance, expecting me to grasp the opportunity she had just handed me. She wanted to test me, to hurt me, to confront me, I could see it in her eyes. It's strange, it's the first time someone said it out loud. I knew that Octavia had guessed it a long time ago, she may have known it even before I admitted it. But she had never said it, at least not clearly.

I chose not to react to this spike. I didn't want to get into it, not with her, not like that ... I might have chosen to confide in Octavia, but certainly not in Blodreina...and then, I wasn't going to deny it either, what's the point of denying what was obvious? Of course, I was in love with you, and the word was weak. I had never stopped loving you, in fact, not for one second. No matter how hard I fought against this love, it was there, anchored in me, and I could do nothing about it. I was born for it, born for you. It was much more than that, it flowed through my veins, it resonated in me, it was a conviction. I loved you with passion, like those who have been tested by her, who know how to recognize her when she is in front of them. I also loved you with reason, like a man who has lived, who knows how to love, who clings to it without really believing in it, because you were one of those whom life has tied up with blows, cries, wounds, whose noises you often heard in spite of yourself, even if you defended yourself, because you wanted to be strong in the eyes of the world. So yes, I begged for your life because it was also my life and I refused to relive the nightmare of your loss.

So I changed the subject, understanding that Octavia would not give in...I had to take action.

So I smiled and sat next to her as if nothing was wrong, as if she didn't terrorize me:

**« Mom and I used to share our rations with you. You mind?** » I asked her, catching one of their rations which I subtly exchanged with the one I had prepared and hidden in my sleeve, thanks to Monty...

« **Only if you say the words.** »

« **Through the teeth and over the gums...** » I said, laughing slightly, trying to remind him of our childhood...trying one last time to find a sign that my sister was still there, under that layer of blood....

« **Not those words.** » She answered me seriously... « **Say it. It's late, Bellamy.** »

I nodded my head: « **Omon gon oson** » and I ate a piece of the good ration, the one I had taken from the table, before giving the other to Octavia.

« **Omon gon oson. »** Then she chewed into the poisoned ration at Monty's first harvest. It was too late to turn back. I had just poisoned my sister. I had committed the irreparable, poisoning, risking the life of my own blood...to prevent the war...and above all, to save your life. I felt very guilty, but it was the only choice I had. I told myself that it was to save the valley, my friends, my family...of course it was, but that came second. If Octavia hadn't threatened you to death, I would never have done that. I had lived without you once, there was no way I would do it again. I couldn't fight, I couldn't survive, in a world where you didn't exist. Together or not, I needed to know you were close to me, I wanted to see your smile, your presence so comforting...I needed to know that you would be there to pick me up when I fell, that you would be the shoulder I could come to cry on, because you were the only one who really understood me without ever judging me. Sometimes I was afraid to feel so passionate, to really know how to live only through you, as if the book of life was delivering us to each other, knowing that we were determined to live only what hurts, what would sooner or later become so obvious, that we would fall to our knees on the verge of tears, together.

« **If you've come here to beg, just do it.** »

« **I'm not here to beg.** » I knew it was useless. « **I came here to tell you that I love you very much, no matter what happens. I hope you believe me.** » Her look informed me that she understood that I was up to something fishy. My eyes fogged with tears, tears of guilt...

« **Get to the point.** »

« **I made a deal with Diyoza. If Wonkru surrenders, we can all live in the valley.** » I explained to her, omitting to tell her that it was you who was behind this deal.

Her eyes filled with rage, but she didn't have time to answer me... « **How--Something's wrong. I-I can't breathe.** » I looked away, guilty, sorry, ashamed. « **Bellamy. Bellamy!** »... I ended up looking her in the eyes... « **What did you do?** »

« **I dosed the bar with Monty's algae. I switched it with the one we were sharing.** »

She wanted to call her guards, but I stopped her. I hid her mouth and held it back with all my strength, weeping over my actions.

I laid her down on the ground once she was weaker... « **Hey! Hey...Shh. You'll be okay. By the time you wake back up, we'll be in the valley. We will have peace.** »

She plunged into a coma crying...I joined her crying, fully aware of what I had just done. « **My sister, my responsibility.** ». I came to my senses and warned the guard that Octavia had fainted... Then I informed Indra of what had happened, of my decision, and I went to look for Madi who was at her worst after learning that you were going to be executed.

I took Madi with me to see you.

She opened the door and ran into your arms. It's silly to say, but in spite of the situation, I envied her.

« **She was ready to burn this place down if she couldn't see you. »**

I told you gently, without joy or pain in my voice, torn between the relief of having saved you once again, and the pain of having put my sister in a coma ...

« **Thank you for letting me say good-bye.** » You said to the attention of Indra by releasing you tenderly from the hold of Madi.

« **Clarke, this isn't good-bye.** » I told you. You looked at me with surprise.

Madi explained: « **Octavia's sick. They say she might not wake up.** »

You didn't seem relieved, on the contrary...you understood that I had acted. Who else would have had the guts to do it?

Indra took Madi with her: « **OK, Madi. That's enough. We can't risk the child being seen here. She'll be safe now, and so will you.** ». She said as she closed the door, leaving us both.

It took me a long time to raise my head to face your gaze...which was only compassionate, you knew it was me. Of course you knew.

« **What did you do?** »

« **Monty's algae.** »

« **Oh, my God.** » ...you obviously had a hard time believing it. You knew how important my sister was to me...

I continued: « **As head of the army, Indra can accept Diyoza's terms for peace. By the time Octavia wakes up, if she wakes up...** » I said, once again becoming aware of the horror of my act, my pain suddenly reflected in your eyes.

However, you tried to reassure me as you always do: « **She will. You said that Murphy was fine. He didn't even have a doctor.** »

I didn't dare to look at you, knowing that when my eyes would meet yours, it would be in my soul that you would be able to read. I will be touched in my heart by your compassion, your understanding...my actions were unforgivable, but I knew that you had already forgiven me as you were used to. Were you even aware that it was for you that I had done it in the first place? Not for peace? Of course, I wanted peace more than anything, I wanted to save my friends... But not at the cost of my sister. She had to threaten your life for me to act in the blink of an eye.

« **I poisoned my little sister, Clarke.** » I said it out loud...

« **Hey** »I finally plunged my shameful gaze into yours, not being able to resist the need to feel understood, forgiven... I needed you to reassure me. I needed the intimacy that the warmth of your gaze gave me, to see myself through your eyes. I needed you, always, tirelessly and eternally, since the first day. People think that a soul mate is their perfect match, and everyone is after it. In fact, the soul mate, the real one, is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that gets in your way, who makes you look at yourself.

« **I know this is hard, but she was willing to destroy the last survivable land on earth just to win a war, not to mention kill the people we love.** »

On this last point you were not wrong, however, as strong as I could hold on to others...the people I loved were in fact one and only one person for whom I was capable of the best and the worst: you. I liked the others, of course, Emori, Raven, Murphy were now my family...and I had developed some feelings for Echo, but it wasn't love... Or if it was, it was nothing compared to how I felt about you.

I believe that in life there are those people who leave an indelible mark on us, and I have no doubt that that person for me is you, because that feeling doesn't lie. It vibrates inside, it throws down, it transcends! And I know that only you are capable of making me feel it, until the end. I love you Clarke, no matter what your wounds, your scars, your flayed soul that perfectly complements mine. It's part of who you are and I welcome all your shortcomings with a smile, because I have enough faith in you to never doubt who you really are. I see neither qualities nor flaws in you, I see you, entirely. I want to be close to you every moment, to fall asleep and wake up close to you every day, with the same desire to discover you again and again and to simply contemplate being you.

Do we only have the right to feel that nowadays, in so many wars? Did I have the right to even think about it? I had just poisoned my own sister to keep you close to me, so I wouldn't have to bear the idea of your death a second time...I had someone sharing my bed now, I shouldn't be thinking about that, not about you, not until I had cleared up the situation if I had the courage, the courage to risk everything to maybe get nothing...but too bad, I had to be fair to her, to me...

Anyway, we were at war. I had to pull myself together and use my head as you asked me to.

« **Well, we're almost there.** » I didn't know if I was talking about the war or saving the people I love, saving you... I would have liked so much for you to understand it, for you to realize it? « **Indra's about to take over for Octavia. Once Wonkru surrenders, I'll come and get you out. We'll head back to Shallow Valley together.** »

« **Together…** » You resonated as you hung your soul on mine with an intense gaze... How would you like me to think about something else, to concentrate a little, if you looked at me like that, as if I was the only person in the world?

I would go out right after, before saying or doing anything that would not be appropriate at that moment...


	55. I’M SORRY

I joined Indra and we were going to find my sister. Niylah, Miller, and Jackson were at her bedside. There was no real news, her condition was stable. Niylah seemed particularly upset and said that she must have been poisoned...by me since I was alone with her.

Indra defended me and asked Jackson if it could be due to the worms. Jackson seemed to agree and admitted that there was nothing he could do to help her. Indra had to warn Wonkru and prepare Octavia's succession.

Everyone was gathered in the arena. I watched from a distance as Indra explained to Wonkru that Octavia, BlodReina, was sick, perhaps even dying. She explained that she had trained Octavia and loved her like her own daughter, that Octavia wanted Indra to volunteer to lead. She continued that she wanted to join Shallow Valley, like Octavia, but not by going to war. Most people seemed to agree with her, but Miller opposed her, pointing out that she was not in command, that Octavia had entrusted the army to him.

The crowd then divided and a battle broke out. Miller took the floor again and motivated the crowd. They were all with him. The war would finally take place in spite of everything.

Indra came to find me and confirmed that she couldn't do anything, she needed a real commander...Madi.

So I went back to see you to explain the situation and ask your permission to make Madi a real commander...

« **Absolutely not.** »You answered me without any surprise and without providing any opportunity for negotiation. It wasn't going to be easy and you weren't going to like it. But it was the only way to save the valley, to save you. Miller would respect Octavia's wishes no matter what. He wouldn't hesitate to finish you off. Only Madi could stop this massacre.

« **Clarke, you know what a Commander means to the Grounders. years ago, you tried to force the Flame on Luna. You were willing to put it in your own head to prevent a war over this bunker. How is this any different?** »

The disappointment I read in you pierced my heart... « **Madi's a child. That's how. I don't care how many of these people still believe in the Flame. They believe in Blodreina more.** » I can feel your terror, your protective instincts... I had just saved you and I was about to be the one who would betray you, the one who would steal the innocence of the one you considered as your daughter... I had to explain myself.

« **Madi will be protected. Gaia and I...** »You wouldn't let me go on.

« **What happens when Octavia wakes up?** »

« **If she wakes up, we will be in the valley, and she will see what peace is like with her own eyes, and she will understand.** » I reminded you by slightly hardening my tone so that you would hear reason. I had sacrificed my sister for you...I thought that what I was asking was not so radical, yet it was to you.

You were on the verge of tears,from fear, anger, incomprehension, betrayal... I never thought I would be the one to do this to you. The only time I was was out of anger and revenge... when I had chained you to that table to deliver you to Pike... But this time it was different, it was to save your life, it was for your own good, for peace...

« **The answer's no. Now unchain me so we can get the hell out of here before we all get executed for treason.** » I hesitated for a few seconds. It was tempting. You would be safe, Madi would be safe, I would be by your side and deep down I knew I didn't need anything else...but I couldn't... I had to use my head. That's what you made me promise. That's what I was doing now, I was putting my heart aside ... I didn't only have to save you, I also had to save my friends, peace... Leaving now to go where? The same problems would inevitably catch up with us ... No I really had no other choice.

« **Clarke... Echo, Raven, Murphy, and Emori are my family. I'm sorry. This is happening.** » I felt your sorrow at that moment. I didn't include you in it. I had to be cold, be strong, like you were when you chained me in the same place to prevent me from saving Octavia and Kane... I had to. I had no choice, even though you would probably never forgive me, even though I would lose you for good... At least you would live, everyone would live in peace. I would rather you hate me than live on a planet where you wouldn't be.

I got out of the room as fast as I could so I wouldn't crack and give in to your pleas. I came out while you implored me with all your being, pulling on your chains to burn your skin exactly as I had done 6 years earlier: « **Don't do this, Bellamy. - Bellamy...You said that you'd protect her. You said you'd keep her safe.** » Your screams were drowned in tears as I waited for the guard to open the door, using all my strength not to look at you. « **Bellamy!** » You were pulling on your chains, you were screaming, you were crying...my fault. I suffered as much as you did. It tortured me to have to do this to you. How could I both love you so much and be the one who made you suffer so painfully?

I went to find Madi who seemed to have a strange confidence in me without knowing me. I would have loved to know all the things you told her during those 6 years. I brought her to Gaia to be explained to her. Gaia asked if she knew why she was brought here. She shook her head and Gaia took the flame out of her pocket and Madi stepped back in terror.

I tried to reassure her: « **Hey, Madi, it's OK. It's OK. No one's gonna hurt you.** »

Gaia continued while Madi still had frightened eyes fixed on the box: « **I told you, I would never force this on you, and I won't, but there are things happening now that they believe only the wisdom of the Commanders can save us from, and as much as I wish it wasn't so, I believe it, too.** »

Madi answered her calmly: « **You're talking about the war. But you've been teaching us to fight.** »

« **Some fights aren't worth fighting, Madi, not when there's another way.** » I said softly to her.« **Clarke made a deal with Diyoza for peace, and Octavia's too sick to accept it now, but Wonkru won't follow anyone else.** »

« **Wait. Clarke knows about this?** » she asked me, surprised.

« **Yeah. She doesn't approve.** » I replied her honestly. I could not lie to her. I felt like I was lying to you and I couldn't do it. I had to at least respect that. I promised to protect her and that's what I was going to do. I wouldn't do anything against her will.

« **Yeah. She doesn't approve. No. She wouldn't. Bellamy, if I do this, she'll never forgive you.** » She tried to make me understand as I looked down, once again becoming aware of the magnitude of my actions and the consequences. Madi seemed sad...as if it was important to her that Clarke forgive me, as if our relationship was important to her. But she didn't know me...

Gaia wanted to speak again, but Madi cut her off: « **Just wait. What happens to Clarke if I don't do this?** »

Gaia looked at me. I moved closer to Madi and answered her with a voice broken by emotion, understanding that, like me, she would put you first: « **Madi, I hate to put this on you. If there was anything else I could do, I would, but this is how we stop the war. This is how we save that valley, your home, and my friends. This is how we save Clarke.** » Tears came to my eyes as I spoke, seeing that she was going to accept and that you would not forgive me.

She nodded with tears in her eyes, staring at the box, resigned. Gaia nodded as well, not very proud of what would be done to this child, so young, who would have to grow up in a hurry ...

What I didn't know was that time was playing against us. At the same time, Octavia was already waking up. The ritual was performed and the ascension horn was blown to let everyone know. I watched Gaia place the chip in Madi. This little girl was very brave... It was obvious that she had been raised by the most extraordinary woman. She was scared, but she was holding on... I was as scared as she was.

At the same time, Niylah was delivering you, you had wanted to kill my sister, but had finally made a deal with her.

Madi was taking a long time to wake up and I was panicked... I helped Gaia lay Madi down comfortably while I waited for her to wake up.

At that moment, Miller and the guards came in and arrested us. You made your appearance, looking at Madi in terror and realizing that it was too late, you seemed not to be breathing. Then you approached me with your eyes filled with pain and disappointment. I had never seen that in your eyes before...not towards me, never. And it will break my heart. I knew it would hurt, but I had no idea how much. Your look was killing me from the inside just as my sister's look had killed me after Lincoln died.

You didn't tell me anything, you slapped me violently. The physical pain was like a caress compared to what that gesture meant to me...

« **I need to get it out.** »

Gaia explained to you that this was not possible now or she would never wake up.

Octavia came in and asked you to do it. Gaia explained to her that if Madi died she would make her a martyr and her power would be further weakened. You turned to my sister and told her that you could not.

Octavia warned her guards to take you to the Rover... I imagined that she had probably ordered her to kill you. I tried to reason with her, but Miller pointed his gun at me.

You left, giving me one last disgusted look... You abandoned me, I had deserved it after all. The apology wouldn't be enough, the deed was done. Remorse won't relieve, it increases the pain. Forgiveness cannot be commanded, it must be earned. And I deserved only one thing... suffering in return. « **Arrest the traitors.** » My sister ordered. I didn't think about what I was risking or what my sister was going to do to me... Only your last cold look in my eyes, clutching my guts. I never thought you would ever look at me with such disappointment, such anger. At that moment, I wished I had never come down to earth...at least I had one last memory of you that warmed my heart up there... Now I felt like I had lost you, but not because of an apocalypse, no, because of me, because of my choices. I could only blame myself.

She brought Indra, Gaia, and I into the middle of the pits and warned everyone that Madi wasn't a real commander and that she would have to be eliminated, but first, we would have to fight in the pits the next day. My sister condemned me to death, my own sister...and you hated me. I might as well die right now, I wouldn't fight, it was decided. My life no longer had any meaning. The two women in my life hated me... What's the point of living in a world like this one that promised me only pain and suffering?


	56. YOU CAN'T SAVE SOMEONE WHO'S ALREADY DEAD

I was isolated, imprisoned. I waited patiently for my time, going over and over the last few days, trying to understand how I had gotten to this point. I was angry with you, but not so much... I had put myself in that position all by myself. I had lost you and I had lost myself in time. I had frozen the last smile, the last embrace...it was all I had left. I should have listened to you from the beginning and we wouldn't have come to this point. I should have run away with you while there was still time. But I couldn't help but feel betrayed, by my sister, by you... The two women I cared about most in the world. Strangely, I wasn't even thinking about Echo during those last few hours. I was wondering if you were aware that by leaving me here, you were leaving me to die for sure. I think you hadn't given it a second thought, too busy with the safety of Madi, your beloved daughter, the only person with whom you had been able to share your life during the 6 years I had left you. Or maybe you thought that my sister would have mercy on me because I was her brother and I had always acted for her good? I wondered if she would finally change her mind...if she went through with it, if I died, I was sure that Blodreina would take over my sister forever...the monster in her would definitely take over and no one would be spared.

So I thought of my dear little sister when she entered my cell and sat down beside me. I turned my back on her, not knowing if I should be relieved that she was giving me an interview, her attention, or afraid that she was coming to say goodbye for good.

« **Remember lily pads?** » I didn't answer. « **God, you used to hate that game...jumping from table to chair to bed. First one who touches the ground loses...but you never once said no, and you always let me win.** » JI was thinking back to those happy memories... I would have given everything I had to find that innocent relationship with her again... « **Do you remember the last time we played? I cut my lip. I bled all over the place. I was so worried that someone would see it on the floor and find me, but you took care of that. You cut your own arm open so people would think it was your blood.** » Her voice was broken, emotional... I couldn't help but caress the scar I had left from that moment. « **Long way from that to poisioning me.** » She ended more coldly.

« **Not really. No.** » I replied also coldly turning around to face her... « **I did that to save you, too, from yourself, from fighting a war that could destroy the last survivable land on Earth.** »

« **Well, you'll be happy to know that the worms are gone. Clarke took them along with the usurper you tried to replace me with.** » I looked down, you were really gone, you had really left me, and knowing you, you wouldn't turn back after what I had done to Madi... But don't we always end up forgiving each other?

« **And you're still ready to go to war, even though Indra has told you how many of your people would die? What kind of leader does that?** »

**« You have no idea what you're talking about.** » She answered me with a strange suffering in her voice... Surely horrible things had happened in that bunker... « **Don't I? O, you turned this place into a story from your childhood. I mean, the Red Queen? It's a joke, and I can still tell when you're scared.** » I soften myself finally.

She looked at me, speechless, trembling... « **I came here to save your life. Now I'm not so sure I should.** »

« **Well, this should be good.** »

« **Indra has a weakness. Her shoulder never fully healed from the bullet Pike put in her. The last time you chose the wrong side in a war.** » She advised me.

« **So you came here to help me kill the woman who made you who you are.** »

« **I love Indra. I do... but she's not my blood. You are. Now make her take the hammer. It's too heavy to wield with one arm. That means you need to get the sword.** »

« **Octavia, would you listen to yourself?** »

« **Gaia will go for the staff, and you'll worry about her after you take out Indra. Tell me you understand.** » She said to it while kneeling close to me. She seemed sincere, she really wanted to help me win. Even if it meant losing Indra, whom she surely considered as her own mother.

« J **I wish I did. I wish I knew what made you this way, and I wish that I could have been here to take the burden off you these last six years, but I'm here now.** » I wanted to try to understand her, really. It would surely help me to accept her behavior. The emotion was beginning to overwhelm me... « **And the way I see it, you have two choices: you rather call this thing off and make a deal to share the valley, or you watch me die in that arena today because I'm not fighting.** »

I had a hard time deciphering her gaze...sadness, anger...

« **Everybody fights.** »

« **I won't.** » I breathed and let a tear fall. She wouldn't change her mind.

« **We'll see.** »

She stood up as I let grief and the fear of dying overwhelm me. « **There's no coming back from this, O. If you do this, there's no coming back.** » If she put me in the pits, I would die, and she couldn't bring me back. She knew that. But what I wanted to make her understand was that it would be too late for her to save herself. Being responsible for my death would finish her off for good.

She looked me in the eyes, as tenderly as her morbid make-up would allow: « **I know you're still trying to save me, Bell. But you can't save someone who's already dead.** » Those last words finished me off and I let go, letting sadness flood my face. The moment arrived a few dozen minutes later. I reached the hall where Gaia and Indra were already waiting...who must surely have been saying goodbye... How could Octavia ask a mother and her daughter to kill each other ????

I joined them and looked at them: « **What happens if we don't fight?** »

Indra answered me immediately: « **It's been tried. You get executed.** »

« **Good, means she'll have to do it herself if she can.** » I said to her, still counting on my little sister, hidden inside the monster she had become.

« **After all this, you still think that because you're her brother, she won't kill you?»** Gaia asked me.

« **I have to.** »

« **Let's hope we don't have to find out.** »

And Gaia stepped forward, leaving me with Indra who told me immediately: « **You might be right. She might not execute you or me, but Gaia? I'll kill you quickly, I promise.**

» And she came forward in her turn.

I would be forced to fight if I wanted to survive...but I wasn't even sure if I really wanted to...One last battle, but why? For who? At that moment, I was less afraid to face a whole army that wanted to kill me than to face my feelings... Because I couldn't concentrate on what I had to do to get out of there, I didn't feel like it anymore... I was only thinking about the person I had never stopped loving. All I could think about was you. You whom I had lost for good and who had finally abandoned me, taking with you my determination to stay alive. Nothing else mattered as I prepared to live out my last minutes.

We entered the arena and Octavia started the fight with a gloomy look on her face. I didn't move and held her gaze... But Indra attacked me and my survival instinct finally took over. I defended myself mechanically. Gaia came between us and wanted to shoot Octavia with her spear, but I stopped her. The spear lodged a few inches away from my sister who stood up. To my surprise, she didn't kill Gaia right away, but threw the spear into the arena: « **I said, be the last.** »

We threw ourselves on our weapons again, but Monty arrived screaming to stop. He brandished his seaweed and proved to everyone that the farm could work again. There was no more reason to go to war. He explained that Octavia knew all along, but she still wanted to take them to war, to risk their lives. The people came down and joined us in the arena, rebelling against Blodreina. As we savored the victory, we realized that Octavia was no longer there. It was too late by the time we realized that Octavia had burned down the farm... Forcing everyone to go off to war for good.

And so Miller and Octavia set the army on the march. Some had already rallied to Gaia and Indra and wanted to join their new commander.

Indra shook my hand with respect: « **A warrior's death awaits.** »

I picked up my bag of rations and brought Monty and Harper's bag. Monty was clinging to the last bottle of seaweed.

Harper got up, but Monty was really depressed... « **Ready? Come on. Our family's waiting.** » I tried to motivate him.

We set out on the road to almost certain death, again.


	57. MY BROTHER, MY RESPONSIBILITY

We had come more than halfway when Indra and I were trying to reason with my sister again after I heard from Echo, informing us that Clarke had warned Diyoza of our arrival. His soldiers would be waiting for us armed at the three entrances. Echo was supposed to look for a safer passage for us.

As she seemed to be unaware of this, I ended up telling her without any delicacy: « **Echo's scouting now, looking for the best way in. But since we can't go back because you burned the farm, and since we can't stop because we'll starve, we thought we should let you know that you've killed your people.** »

Indra wanted to calm me down... « **Enjoy your walk.** » I finished by leaving to join Monty and Harper at the end of the battalion, leaving Indra with what only physically resembled Octavia.

At nightfall, we finally took a break and set up the tents. I managed to reach Echo and went to warn Blodreina that Echo had found an entrance. I asked everyone to go out and leave us alone, but it was only after the approval of their red queen that they complied...

« **Before I tell you this, we need to set some things straight.** »

« **I'm listening.** »

« **This war that you're so anxious for is about to be fought on the last survivable land on Earth. That is monumentally stupid. But it's here, and in four days, when we march on that valley, we are gonna fight this the right way.** »

« **Does the right way end up with us winning?** »

« **It ends with us accepting the other side's surrender. Once they lay down their arms, we share the valley with them. No executions. No fighting pits. Real peace.** »

« **Believe it or not, I want that, too.** »

« **I wish I believed it.** » We looked at each other in the whites of our eyes for several seconds without detecting the slightest emotion in our respective glances ... without recognizing each other.

« **Fine. I accept your terms. Now, tell me how to win this war.** » She eventually told me.

« **Indra has the details.** » I said to her as I was leaving, without wanting to stay one more second in the company of this monster who looks like my little sister.

« **Bellamy...this is how it was meant to be. You and me. Fighting side by side.** »

I turned around to face her, but I didn't soften... « **I'm not fighting for you. I'm fighting to get back to my family.** » Leaving her something to think about before leaving the tent for good.

The last night before the battle, Monty came and sat beside me at the campfire and shared his last ration with me. It was agreed that Monty and Harper wouldn't fight and would stay in the tents until the battle was over. I informed Monty that Octavia would leave us three acres opposite the valley so that our family could live in peace. I joked and asked him to grow something other than seaweed. That relaxed the atmosphere a little. We had to win, we had no choice, no more rations, no other possibilities. The next day's battle would be decisive, our plan had to work. Come to think of it, it was my last moment of complicity with Monty. I miss him very much.

2 hours before entering the valley, Octavia invited us into her tent with the heads of the guards where we put the plan on the table in order to stall everything. We had no right to make a mistake. Everyone had a role to play. She asked me to congratulate Echo, but I told her that she would do it herself. And I walked out. If the plan wasn't perfectly executed, we would be lost, and I would die with the idea that you had finally abandoned me, that you hated me…

We advanced into the gorge, and waited for Echo's signal to attack. What we didn't know was that Echo's plan had been revealed. We were walking into a trap. Once we were advanced enough, too advanced, we were attacked by dozens of soldiers more armed than we were, placed in such a way as to have the advantage... There were many losses. I grabbed Octavia to give us a minimum protection. I honestly thought that we were going to die. It would require a miracle to save us.

Octavia didn't want to retreat. She wanted to try to get through at all costs. I tried one last time to reason with her. That's when the bazooka shot came right in front of us, ejecting us into the air...

I woke up later, still completely stunned, I didn't know how long I had been unconscious. I didn't move, preferring to pretend to be dead. I crawled very, very discreetly to my sister who was not far from me. She woke up a few dozen minutes later. I immediately ordered her not to move. She may have been the devil personified, but she was still my sister.

She nevertheless tried to move slightly.

« **O, don't move. I said, don't move. The second we move, we're dead. Get down.** »

At the same time, a survivor wanted to join us, seeing her Blodreina alive... Barely standing when she was shot and killed for good. Others followed.

« **This is your fault.** »She said to me with scorn. I was trying to save her, again, and she put it all back on me, again. « **We are not doing this now. Judging by the number of dead, some of your army must have made it back to the wasteland. They won't last long without food or water.** »

« **I have to get to them. You lay down covering fire, and we run.** »

« **O, I lost my weapon. We have to wait until it's dark. Once we make it back, we get the radio, and we surrender.** » She stirred her head.« **We can't win. It's over. But we can still save our people--** »

« **Nothing is over. Your intel was bad. But at least we know what we're up against.** **»**

« **O, no one will follow you. This is your fault, not mine. You led them here, you burnt their farm, and you made them march. These people are dead because of you.** » I told her bluntly.

She grabbed my arm ferociously, probably wanting to fight, but I managed to hold her down by ordering her not to move.

At that moment, several Wonkru tried to surrender, but were shot straight down.

« **So much for surrender.** » She sarcastically attacked me. Indeed, this option was no longer conceivable. And it had probably never really been. At nightfall, we tried to move to the rhythm of the light spot that watched the surroundings.

I was still moving forward when I realized that my sister had stopped to pick up a gun on the ground and wanted to continue fighting. She finally listened to me, but a hand stopped us, asking for help. It was Indra who was protecting Gaia, whose leg was badly injured. We had to stop the bleeding as soon as possible, so we moved Gaia somehow to a place out of sight, where we could try to keep her alive until help arrived, if it came. We couldn't carry her to the camp.

« **Save yourselves. I'm not leaving my daughter.** » Indra told us.

« **Indra's right. They'll come back for us.** » Octavia replied, apparently not wanting to abandon them.

Gaia took the word of a weakling: « **Why are you doing this? A week ago, you threw us in the pit.** »

« **A week ago, you were a traitor. Next week, you may be again. Right now, you're Wonrku.** » My sister replied.

I understood right away... « **She thinks when Wonkru comes back, you'll tell the followers of the flame to follow her back through this gorge.** »

« **If they don't, everybody dies.** » Octavia continued. And the worst part is that she was right.

We waited for what seemed like hours, Gaia getting weaker and weaker... It was a fact: no one would come to help us, at least not the Wonkru.

Gaia wanted to say goodbye to Indra, resigned to dying. Leaving her there was our only chance to return, but we didn't want to abandon her. I saw that Octavia was particularly touched by the scene in front of her. I think that deep inside her, she realized that she was responsible for the carnage.

Indra tried to reassure Gaia by telling her that Wonkru would soon be arriving, but Gaia replied aloud what we were thinking: « **They won't come. Wonkru is broken.**

She ended up: « **Ai gonplei ste odon.** »

I didn't want her to give up. I approached her and asked her: « **Hey, no. What about Madi? What kind of flamekeeper leaves a 12-year-old in command to fend for herself? Keep fighting, if not for you, then for her.** »

I didn't want Gaia to give up, I didn't want her to die. I also promised to protect Madi. It was my fault that she had that AI in her and although you left me to almost certain death, I won't go back on my promise. Madi needed Gaia's advice. Octavia suddenly blew in like a revelation: « **Wonkru is broken. I broke it.** »

« **Yes, you did.** » Indra confirmed.

We were beginning to seriously lose hope when Octavia saw a Wonkru get up...alive. She wanted to protect him, but I stopped her.

« **What do you care if I die? Isn't that what you want?** » she exclaimed to me.

« **Yes** .» I simply replied before I walked away from her, leaving her to decide her fate. To be honest, I don't know if I really meant it, but part of me had to. Octavia had overstepped the line and I didn't recognize her anymore. I would never have even considered the death of Octavia, my younger sister, but Blodreina's death was almost nothing to worry about.

Indra told us that Gaia's heart rate was getting weaker and we would still have to try to escape. I offered to carry Gaia, but she refused, not wanting me to die for her. « **She's right** » said Octavia, turning to us, surprised... She continued: « **I may never be able to fix what I broke, but I can save you. I'm the one they want most of all. When they open fire, run like hell. Omon Gon Oson.** »

I couldn't believe it. Not knowing what to think... Or how I should feel. It was still my sister after all... She stood up to be visible, but I held her back one last time. I just looked at her with eyes shining with sadness...but no words could come out of my mouth. I couldn't hold her back, I couldn't tell her that I loved her... It was too difficult after all she had done. I couldn't forgive her and I knew I would probably never get over it...I couldn't help it.

She had to understand that, because she just told me: « **My brother....my responsibility.** »

So she ran to the center of the canyon and started to shoot towards the light while we were running away. She screamed: « **You are Wonkru, or you are the enemy of Wonkru. Choose.** » She soon ran out of ammunition and I couldn't help but look back in her direction. She dropped her gun and prepared herself for death by welcoming him with open arms... But the shots that followed came from behind. The Rover. Echo, Murphy, Emori, and Madi... They had come for us!

Octavia ran to the car while Murphy and Emori covered us. We also ran as fast as we could. Murphy's Bazooka had a problem and exploded. We had just enough time to get in and out in a cloud of smoke from the explosion.

I was in the car, Echo's gaze turned tenderly towards me as I put a hand on her arm as a thank you... And yet, I didn't feel any better, neither happy nor reassured. Nothing was won. Gaia was still at her worst. Only Murphy seemed excited to have succeeded.


	58. YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, DID YOU ?

We arrived at the camp as the soldiers surrounded us. They lowered their guard when they realized it was us and that we had wounded people. Monty and Harper ordered them not to fire. Gaia was quickly brought to Jackson. Madi got out of the vehicle and all the grounders recognized her immediately: Heda... Octavia walked towards her, sword in hand, while Madi, panicked, asked me what she should do.

We wanted to prevent Octavia from approaching your daughter, but she asked us to let her pass. Octavia approached and, against all odds, bowed to our young commander. Then everyone did the same, including us.

Madi was then surrounded by dozens, even hundreds of disciples ready to follow her no matter what... We all prepared to go back to war, Echo having explained the new plan that involved you... So you had finally changed your mind... You changed your mind when you learned that I didn't die in that arena. You asked to save me, once again. Echo didn't tell me... she would know better. But I heard Madi explain it to Monty and Harper...I was trying not to think about it... It was worse than anything you'd ever done before and we had a war to win. I had to force my mind to focus on something other than you for once.

Madi was near the wounded, near Gaia. Indra and I joined her. Jackson told us that Gaia could probably keep her leg if we could get her to Abby.

I gently approached your daughter at heart and knelt down beside her: « **It's time, Madi. Everyone will follow you, but you have to lead them.** »

« **I don't want to lead them into a massacre.** »

Indra tried to reassure her and I continued: « **We'll be right beside you.** »

« **I'm not worried about myself. Look around you** »She said to me as she suddenly took the confidence of an adult by showing me the dozens of injured people around. It's crazy how she reminded me of you. You really have a wonderful job educating her. « **There has to be a better way than rushing back in to those guns.** »

Gaia then spoke weakly: « **Ask the commanders.** »

« **How, Seda? They only talk to me in my dreams and show me what they want me to see.** » Gaia then explained to her how to do it. Only seconds later, Madi had a plan and was sure it would work. So she explained it to us and we walked back down the gorge hoping that you would be able to stop the missiles. We went ahead with Echo Murphy and Emori. Our goal was to eliminate the guns. The Engine of the Rover dropped us. We then left, guided by Murphy's enthusiasm!

Echo managed to detonate the first gun on the first shot by planting an arrow right in the middle. Murphy and Echo then covered me so that I exploded the second. I succeeded, the second cannon exploded, the rest of our army would have a chance!

I looked in the direction of my sister, next to Madi, a little further behind us. Octavia spoke to Madi and she launched the assault. As she predicted, we were able to reach the main village without too much trouble. And the prisoners present surrendered.

To my surprise, Madi ordered their execution, but I intervened: « I **Halt! Hold your fire. They surrendered. It's over.** »

« **They killed hundreds of our people in that gorge.** »

« **This can't be what the flame is telling you to do.** »

« **I don't need the flame to tell me what to do with a bunch of criminals who invaded my home.** »

« **We've been here before, Madi. We were the criminals. The 100. We landed in someone else's home, and we went to war. You can execute them because they're the enemy or you can break the cycle. You can be better than them. You can be better than us.** » I glanced nostalgically at my sister and continued: « **The choice is yours, Heda.** »

An alarm sounded ... one of the prisoners explained that we had to get out of there quickly, because the alarm signaled great danger.

Raven's voice echoed through the loudspeaker.

« **Everyone listen up. Life as we know it is about to end again. Get your asses to the transport ship now for immediate evacuation.** » Monty was in the woods with the wounded. We had 9 minutes left.

We ran as fast as we could. You were there, in front of the ship, waiting for us... You ran towards us, towards Madi. You grabbed her and made her twirl in the air...then your gaze caught mine, a gaze full of regret, sadness, embarrassment... A look that broke my heart instantly into a million pieces. Strangely, I would have liked to hug you, but I quickly remembered that you had left me for dead in that pits... I won't forgive you this time, I didn't have to. I had to be strong and learn to live without you, for good, to dedicate myself to Echo...

I tried to hate you while continuing to love you in spite of myself, because I knew that beyond your silences you were suffering, even more, not knowing, and especially not being able to confront those feelings that have defeated our lives even when we give them everything. I understood you. I hated myself too, for not finding the strength to go away, for hating you for what you had done to me, for making excuses for you, for wanting to turn my back on some beautiful pages of my life, for keeping hope...

You didn't want the prisoners to get on board, but Madi explained that first we would save them, then they would prove to us that it was worth it. « **The commanders told you that?** »

« **No, Bellamy** ».

You stared at me again, with the same beaten dog look that I couldn't stand...but there was a hint of recognition in it. I think that even after all this, you were grateful to me for guiding Madi in the right way. In the end, I hadn't broken my promise. I had taken care of her, not the way you had originally asked, but I had, and you knew it.

Then I knew from the look in your eyes that I could still believe it, that no matter how hard I tried to hate you, I never could. There was always this electricity between us, this power of feeling that bewildered us, and yet my heart was always racing when you were near or just thinking about you. And I knew in my heart that it was the same for you from the moment I came back to Earth, and probably even before I left. Our hearts were screaming while we pretended nothing had happened. So there was no point in playing those who could stop loving on demand, it would hurt too much, it wasn't like us, and it was impossible. Soul mates end up finding each other when they know how to expect. We've waited a lifetime for you and me.

Indra came to ask for your mother and you realized that she wasn't there. You wanted to go look for her, but Echo stopped you and explained that a group had already gone to look for the people who had stayed in the village.

3 minutes before impact... Most of the people were inside, about ten of us were left waiting for Monty and the other injured people.

I stood there, staring at the horizon, looking for the last time at this Earth that I had missed so much for 6 years, this Earth that I wanted so much to find again, with all its memories...this Earth that would be disintegrated in a few minutes. We had only been back down for a few days and we had screwed up again, ruined everything. We had wanted to do the right thing, but a series of bad choices led us here...

I ruined everything... I hurt everything, my sister, Madi, you... this last betrayal hurt me more than the others. You trusted me completely, putting Madi's life in my hands and I betrayed you. And then, you betrayed me too. You had always taken care of me no matter what my mistakes, but this time you had abandoned me as if I was nothing to you. Maybe I was nothing, maybe you were right to leave me.

« **Guys, if we wait much longer, we're not going anywhere.** » Raven explained to us on the radio. I stared at the horizon when Madi slowly came close to me.

« **You have to forgive her.** » She told me calmly.

Seriously? Madi, your daughter but also the commander of the last remaining humans, came to plead your cause? Why did she come? Didn't she have more urgent things to do? I felt a twinge in my heart, but I had to stay strong. I wondered for a moment if it was you who had sent it, but I quickly realized that it was not. You would never have sent someone else to plead your case, especially not your daughter. Besides, you had too much pride.

« **Now's not the time, Madi.** »

« **Do you have any idea how much she cares about you?** » She told me sincerely, which had the effect of accelerating my heartbeat. I would have liked to read the future, to reassure myself about you, which made me hurry towards these words which were meant to be soothing, because I felt them deep in my flesh, even if I rejected them the next moment. « **So much she left me to die in a fighting pit.** » This abandonment hurt me more than every blow or torture I had ever suffered, more than the contempt of my sister...

« **That was a mistake. How many mistakes did you make to protect the child you loved?** » She was aiming right. Did you really regret or were you still angry about what I had done to Madi?

« **That was different.** » Not that much, actually.

« **Was it?** » I looked at her...did she know that I could never hold a grudge against you for very long? Did she know that even though reason made me resent you more than anything else, my heart, soul and being just wanted to pick up the pieces and forget everything? I wanted to hold on to what Madi was telling me. I wanted a reason to forgive you. I actually needed one... There are days like this when I hate myself for loving you so much. I love you the way we love the blood that flows in our veins, the way we love to breathe at full lung capacity after having been apnoeated for too long, the way we love the warmth of a fireplace after having spent a whole day in the cold. I needed to love you, I couldn't help it, it was in me. I loved you in a delicate way that sometimes surprised me, I wanted you as much as it didn't bother you too much, I was just there in a corner of your heart, in that sentimental mess that was closed forever, moved by the hope that one day you could open the door to the man who needed you so much. Madi went on and made a confession that shocked me more than I could have imagined and broke the frail armor I had tried to build around my heart for good: « **I shouldn't tell you this, but when you were on the ring, she called you on the radio every day for 6 years.** »

My heart stopped. A burning iron had just hit my chest...it took me several seconds before I realized what she had just said to me. You never forgot me, you held on to me all these years... You weren't alone, you told me...I understood the meaning of those words now. I understood those sidelong glances, the disappointment I thought I read in them when you saw me with Echo, the tears of happiness when we met again... You cared about me...as much as I cared about you, maybe even more. I had been your lifeline that kept you out of the water during those long moments of loneliness. I made you float through this nightmarish planet...I was the reason you held on.

« **You didn't know that, did you?** » I shook my head without finding words and turned back to you, who was still staring at me as if you were going to collapse any second, the sorrow spoiling your so pretty face. You were so beautiful, beautiful like the apocalyptic day and I knew what I was talking about, it was my second apocalypse after all. Your beauty was amazing, unpredictable, devastating...but you were so fucking beautiful! You looked away, I really couldn't bear to see you so sad. It was obvious that you felt angrier at yourself than you had ever felt before. It was eating you up inside and I could see why now. I knew immediately that I didn't need anything else, I had already forgiven you, I had forgotten everything.

Octavia arrived with Kane on a stretcher and your mother. They were helped aboard while the sonic boom sounded. The missile had entered the atmosphere. The others arrived with the wounded. But Monty, Emori and Murphy were missing. Everybody went home, only I was left, and you were at the door. A horrible feeling of déjà vu overwhelmed me...

We could see the missile now.... Raven ordered you to close the door...

« **Bellamy** » You begged me desperately.

« **I'm waiting for them.** » I answered you by fixing the horizon

« **Bellamy, we have to go.** »

« **Clarke, you do what you have to. I am not leaving my friends.** » I turned around to meet your panicked look... Time stopped for a few moments and our souls met again, as if they had never left each other... The image of the rocket came over me and I remembered the horrible feeling I felt watching this earth burn, knowing that you were on it...« **I can't do that again.** » I said to you, thinking of the time when I had left you alone on this earth.

Raven called you again and threatened to close the door herself.

« **Raven, we need a little more time.** » Obviously you didn't want to abandon your friends either, you wouldn't abandon me this time. I had tested you without even wanting to... I looked at you again.... Not knowing what to do. Something told me that you wouldn't close that door until I was inside. I didn't want to abandon my friends, but I didn't want to die, not knowing that our last contact was your slap on my cheek...we needed to forgive each other, to move on to better things. I didn't want to imagine another day without us, dragging ourselves along, making us come and go without any real motivation. So I focused on this Ariadne's thread that connected us to each other, the one that was taking on an excess that probably scared us a little, such a hold that we could no longer conceive of anything without it. We could no longer live without it.

Raven ignites the thrusters, ready to take off... You were always there, waiting for me, alone. And I could see it now, what I had taken so long to confirm, what I had dreamed of for so many years: I could see real love in your eyes. I felt emotionally moved, as I had never felt before, to discover so many emotions in that simple look, coming from a life made of wounds, which had only expressed itself in such a small way in view of its constantly evolving capacities, of all the love that could still be contained in that heart. Madi's revelation was the last missing piece of the puzzle, the one I needed to realize that my love was not one-way...I loved you too soon, no doubt, you loved me too late or almost too late... I had Echo now...Echo who hadn't even come back to see if I was in the ship, Echo who must have been safe while our family was still outside... It wasn't Echo who was standing in front of that door, unable to close it at the risk of extinguishing the human race forever...it was you, you who waited for me, you who looked at me with regret, with love. It was you, it has always been you. And if I didn't come in now, I knew you would close that door, but that you would sacrifice yourself with me. You wouldn't leave me here, I was also sure that I knew that the earth is round.

It was at this last moment that our friends arrived. I ran up to help them. You closed the door just as the missile hit the Earth, ruining it for good. Raven took off at the last second in a huge tremor! We were saved, all of us saved. We had done it, together. The earth was ruined, through our fault, but the human race would survive. The trick now was to make sure that they did what they deserved.


	59. IT'S TIME FOR BED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you will notice, the end of this chapter is an additional scene that does not exist in the series ... The chapter after the next one will also be fully imagined.

Once the shuttle is attached to the main ship, in safety, I set out to find you... After all we'd been through in the last few days, you were the only one I wanted to see. We were going back into space and this time you were in the ship. I had seen you close the door, but I needed to see you inside again. I needed to tell you that I wasn't angry with you, it was useless for you to mentally beat yourself up about it, I had already forgotten your betrayal, I would have done it sooner or later anyway, even without Madi's intervention, I knew it deep down inside.

I walked through the corridors of the ship where dozens and dozens of wounded, bruised bodies were on the ground, waiting for care, for a solution, for peace of mind. Our house had just exploded, leaving us all homeless. People were looking at the ground, their eyes heavy with anxiety, sadness... The human race does not realize its mistakes until it is too late, it is such a pity.

I turned at the bend of an umpteenth alley. And I saw you, a bloody mask around your neck... You had rushed to the infirmary just after closing the door, helping your mother to treat as many people as possible... and now you were there, alone in the middle of these sinister alleys, your eyes even more downcast... you saw me right away as if you had felt my presence. I came to sit beside you and you looked surprised, embarrassed. There had never been that kind of coldness between us. I decided to talk to you as if nothing had happened. I wanted to show my best friend that I was there for her, no matter what she did wrong... My best friend is all you were supposed to mean to me, nothing more...but nothing less either. My best friend, the one who knows me better than anyone else, who saw me at my best, but especially at my worst, who never judged me, who always stood by me...yes you turned your back on me this time and it almost cost me my life, but I could understand why you did...and I couldn't blame you.

« **How's Murphy?** »

« **Jackson got both bullets. He'll be okay. Cockroaches are hard to kill.** **Emori's with him now.** » You finally told me with a forced smile, to try to relax the atmosphere. I smiled and laughed at this remark... I could feel your sorry look on me, the same look that was inked in my heart, you never took your eyes off me. It's strange this sensation of feeling someone's gaze on you when you can't even see it. I felt yours deep inside me, I felt your regret, your sorrow, but also the glow in your eyes, the love...it was clear now, limpid. I trembled, I shivered, I felt the heat radiating from my body... I didn't know what else to tell you, I was dying to hold you close to me. Luckily, you're still there: « **And Gaia's gonna keep her leg.** »

« **Kane?** » I asked you. I hadn't really had the opportunity to see him again, to talk to him, since I came back to Earth. But Kane meant so much to me, he was like a father, a role model. He didn't deserve to die. He had fraternized with the enemy, but it was for the right cause: peace. I also didn't blame him for wanting to have my sister killed, or rather the monster she had become.

You closed in on yourself and answered me sadly: « **They put him in a drug-induced coma. I'm not sure why, but Jackson says there's not enough of the drug to keep him that way for long. It doesn't look good.** »

We both looked away. I was thinking about a solution. He couldn't die, not him. He was probably the best of us.

« **What if he didn't need the drug?** » Your eyes wrapped me, questioning me. « **I don't know much about cryosleep, but at least it would keep him alive.** »

« **That's brilliant.** » You answered me sincerely, capturing once again the warmth of my gaze... but turning it away just as quickly. It was as if the distance that had been materialized between us for the last 6 years was still there, I hated it. « **I'll tell my mom.** » You stood up and began to move away, obviously in a hurry to put some distance between us. Then my instinct gave me the courage I lacked... I got up quickly and called you back: « **Hey** » You turned around, surprised. « **When you're finished, come to the bridge. We're deciding the fate of the human race. Again. You should be there.** » I said to you as I approached slightly, instinctively, as if gravity was leading us inexorably towards each other... The truth is that I didn't want you to be far away from me anymore, I needed this minimum closeness and for the moment I had to be content with it.

You lowered your eyes looking surprised, disoriented...you moved your head...You didn't feel worthy to be there, I felt it. And yet I had asked the others to wait, I didn't want to make such a decision without you by my side, no matter what the others thought.

You looked at me again and put your words on this question that your whole being was expressing: « **You're not mad at me for leaving you in Polis?** »

I smile at you, trying to show you that I was really sincere and that I had sincerely and totally forgiven you: « **The commander ordered me not to be.** » Of course I had forgiven you. I had understood that you didn't leave me there because you didn't care about me, but only because you loved Madi and wanted to protect her at all costs... What I had done for Octavia all these years. We were the same, you and I, just one more thing in common, a piece of the mirror that reflected each other. The truth is that my life was empty without you. We had both learned from our mistakes and there was no way I was going to let this damn day ruin the relationship we had.

You breathed a sigh of relief, shed a smile and looked at me again as if I was the most wonderful person in the world... It was only your look that made me feel like that and I understood now why...the love in your eyes...you didn't need words. My reflection seemed so perfect in your beautiful eyes that my only fear was that I would disappoint you again. You didn't need to tell me, just like I didn't need to tell you all these years. It was there, it was in us. I felt like you wanted more, but you didn't dare. You ended that special connection: « **I'll meet you on the bridge.** » And you left. As if it was necessary so that things wouldn't get complicated, as if it was necessary to keep a certain distance... You did the right thing. I couldn't allow myself to give in to temptation, not under these conditions, out of respect for Echo...I had to use my head and that's what I was doing. My heart was screaming something else and spreading its message through each of my cells.

I was relieved that things were no longer tense between us, that you were free of that weight that seemed to be eating away at you from the inside. I hesitated to tell you about the radio calls, but it wasn't the right time and I didn't know how to talk about it. I just walked back to the bridge with a stupid smile on my face. I ran into Octavia on the way, but I couldn't manage to go and talk to her... it's crazy how all I needed was a simple spark to erase all your mistakes, to forgive you unconditionally, when I was unable to do the same for my sister.

Several tens of minutes later, we were all gathered in front of the window...looking at the Earth, empty of life, empty of greenery...a desert of desolation. Eden was no more. We were all depressed and I judged that it was enough... « **It's gone, guys.** »

Raven asked Shaw to close the window.

I began my speech and you naturally came and stood beside me as I spoke: « **Like our ancestors on the ark, we're the last of the human race.** »

« **Our ancestors were wrong. We're not.** » You continued to complete my words perfectly.

« **412 people on this ship. Thanks to Madi, we saved who could be saved. Now it's our job to keep them alive. How do we do that?** » I ended by turning to Monty.

The latter took out his bottle of Algae which he kept in his pocket... « Oh, float me now. 

» Murphy mocked, which had the advantage of making me laugh. Shaw asked to speak. He had helped us after all and proved that he was a good person.

« **From what we know about the half-life of hythylodium, it'll be at least 10 years before that valley comes back, this ship does have a small water recycler and a few weeks' worth of rations, but that's it. Cryo is the only option. There are 500 pods, which is more than enough for what we need.** »

Raven continued: « **I agree with Shaw. The tech is amazing. We go to sleep, we don't age, we wake the next morning, It's 10 years later. And Bob's your uncle.** »

« **I thought you hated that phrase.** » Monty remarked with a smile.

« **It's growing on me.** » She answered him.

« **It's up to you, Madi.** » I addressed our young commander. She looked at you as if to seek the solution in your approval. You nodded your head.

« **Okay. I guess it's time for bed.** »

So we all headed to the cryo room where we were about to sleep for 10 years. Our beds were not far from each other. I took care of Echo while you took care of Madi. I heard you say goodbye to her with all the tenderness a mother can have...a reassuring, warm tenderness... Once Madi was asleep I walked towards my sister feeling your eyes on me...

« **Okay, your turn.** »

« **Kind of like closing the door in the floor.** » She said to me. She was afraid. She found herself once again trapped, confined.

« **Kind of like that.** » I was going to activate her cryo, not wanting to continue the conversation...

« **Wait.** » She straightened up. « **I love you, big brother.** » She said to me with what sounded like pure sincerity, with my little sister's voice, my little sister's look...as if Blodreina had left for good. I looked at her with a twinge in my heart, but I couldn't bring myself to forgive her so easily...so she continued: « **I know you love me, too.** » I just smiled at her, but couldn't answer her. « **Don't make me wait 10 years to hear you say it.** »

« **You're my sister, and a part of me will always love you.** » That's all I could offer her and I think she was aware of that. She went back to bed.

« **Does the other part still wish I was dead?** »

I shook my head pensively: I had to be honest with her. « **The other part wishes a part of you was. Yeah.** »

« **That's fair.** » She let out a tear.

« **It won't feel like 10 years.** »

She looked at me and I activated her cryo.

I looked at you right away, knowing that I would immediately catch your gaze since it had been fixed on our stage all along. You smiled at me, compassionate, and that immediately relieved me. You understood.

It was time for us to go to bed as well. 10 more years to live away from you.

You were about to go to bed, but I interrupted you by holding on tightly to your hand so that you could turn around. « **Clarke...** »

You turned around, keeping your hand in mine. You plunged your soul into mine, full of hope... I felt ten feet tall, but my gaze turned to the cryopod of Echo, already asleep... No, I could not...

You must have deciphered my thoughts as you looked down and took a long breath, with a little smile to hide the disappointment we shared...you were ahead of me then.

« **May we meet again** » You whispered to me tenderly with a chaste smile while your gaze breathed other, deeper words to me...

I lowered my eyes towards our hands, still one inside the other, savoring for a few more moments the warmth of your skin in mine...then I raised my head to affirm you as evidence.... « **We will, as always.** »

You smiled at me a little more and nodded your head, probably being aware that this was all I could offer you at the moment...

Then you went to lie down and I stood beside you, ready to activate your cryo ... I allowed myself to place a tender kiss on your forehead: « **Good night... Princess.** » And while remaining fixed on the spark and beauty that emanated from your gaze...I would press the button that would plunge you into a deep sleep. Then I walked to my own bed, waiting for Monty to come and help me activate it... If I had to dream, I hoped it would be about you, but I had no doubt about it.


	60. BE THE GOOD GUYS

I woke up as if I had just fallen asleep... I opened my eyes and saw an angel with starry hair above me with two blue stars fixed on me...I would have liked to wake up every morning with the first vision of your angelic face smiling at me...so much so that I have never been so happy to wake up, your sight naturally putting me in a good mood, reassuring me...I almost forgot the conditions of this awakening...

« **Hey...** » You smiled at me. « **Hey...** »

I got up and saw that we were the only two standing.

« **Why is it just us?** » I asked as I stared at the rest of the room where there was still no movement...

A totally unknown male voice answered me: « **That's the way Mom and Dad wanted it.** »

We both turned to the young man. We had never seen him before and yet his face looked familiar to me... He continued, realizing our incomprehension: « **Uh..Can I just say, wow. I mean, I can't tell you how good it is to finally meet you. Weird but good. Great, actually.** »

We walked towards this strange boy, probably in his twenties, still not understanding his speech...he seemed to know us. « **Who are you?** » I asked him perhaps a little too coldly...but with everything we had been through and even if he seemed more than harmless, I remained on my guard...

« **My name. Right.** » The young man seemed overexcited, nervous. « **I didn't tell you my name. Sorry. I've never met anyone before, so, I clearly suck at it.** » Il l ria, but we remained unmoved ... trying to understand ... I took a quick look at you as he continued: « **I'm Jordan, Monty and Harper's son.** »

What? I didn't understand and I felt you startled too.

I eventually understood: « **They didn't go to sleep.** »

« **They talked about their time on the ring a lot. Too much, actually. How happy they were there. I guess they wanted to get back to that. Get dressed and come to the bridge. Dad left explicit instructions. Wake Clarke and Bellamy first. Play them the message.** » And he took to the bridge as if everything was normal while a hundred questions were dancing in my head, including the most important one that you formulated for me:

« **Hey, wait. How long were we asleep?** »

« **125 years.** » Oh my gosh ... it took me a few moments to swallow the information.

Jordan set off again, leaving us there, stunned by the news. We understood then that Monty and Harper mustn't be alive anymore... We wanted to know. We quickly got dressed each of us on our side and we went to the bridge together...

Jordan asked us to stand in front of the central screen and played the video message from his father ... his father. Monty, Dad. That was really weird! And yet, the boy was the perfect mix between Monty and Harper... physically, but also mentally... He had all the goodness of his parents in him and it showed.

He sent the message...

« **Hey, guys, it's been about a year since you all went to bed. Not much to report, really. My algae farm is awesome. No surprise there. Oh. I'm able to monitor conditions on the ground using the ship's geologic equipment, so, I'll know when it's safe for us to go back down. Gets a little lonely sometimes without the rest of you, but the peace and quiet is what--** » Harper interrupted him from a naughty voice: « **Monty, I've been waiting.** »

« **Harper, wait. I'm in the middle of -** -»

« **You promised me. We have another 40 staterooms that---** » She approached in her undress and kissed him...and hurriedly ran off-camera laughing when she realized she was being filmed... « **Ha! Why didn't you tell me?**. »

Monty also laughed and looked at the camera for us: « **Uh...not a lot to do in space. Ahem.** »

Jordan took the floor: « **I so didn't need to see that.** »

Monty disappeared then a second message appeared showing a Harper with a round belly ... Monty came to stick to her: « **Hey, again. Today's the two year anniversary of the long nap, Harper's been eating a little too much algae.** »

She was laughing: « **Hilarious. Hey, guys, um, surprise. We picked a name today. Boy or girl-- Jordan.** », jI felt you breathing more strongly, guessing that you felt the same emotion as me, the same ball in your stomach? We weren't there to share this wonderful news with them...and this name in honor of Jasper...it was getting really hard to hold back my tears and I knew it was the same for you. Monty continued: « **I think Jasper would like that. Anyway, still no sign the ground is coming back. I wouldn't expect it this soon, so, I'm not worried. We'll check back in next time there's news.** »

A new message started...with an adorable baby in close-up: « V **Meet Jordan Jasper Green. Shh. That's all for now.** » Monty seemed really happy. « **Harper's resting. We're both good, though. Oh, shh. He'll be eight when you meet him. I can't wait to see your faces.** » He finished by crying with joy before putting a kiss on his son's forehead...

Jordan then said that his smile faded away: « **Things didn't go as planned.** »

We were both looking at him, sorry, sad...as Monty's voice resounded again:

« **Happy wake-up day. 10 years. And since you're watching this sometime in the future, you know now that...that I didn't wake you up. That's because there's still nothing down there. I'm working the problem.** »

He tensed his ear as if to check that Harper couldn't hear and then spoke lower: « **I've told Harper it's to be expected, but, um...well, that's a lie. This is gonna take a while. Jordan is doing great, though. He's a happy kid. I took a page from Clarke's parenting book. He knows all about you guys. Believe it or not, Murphy's his favorite.** »

Jordan told us... « **It was a rebellious phase.** » JI fought with all my strength against my grief ...fortunately you were close to me to deal with it. Monty had chosen well. The message was taken up again:

« **Anyway, It's gonna be a while. I'll let you know if things change.** »

A new message charged in, revealing Monty and Harper greying, sad, exhausted, embracing each other.

« **Hey, guys. It's been a long time since we recorded one of these. We just put Jordan in cryo. He's a good boy.** »

Harper continued crying which only increased our emotions, our grief « **Smart like his father.** »

« **And kind like his mom. We chose this life. He didn't.** »

Monty came to sit down: « **Hey. If you're watching this, kiddo...we love you so much. Did you follow my instructions? Assuming he did. Hey Bellamy, hey, Clarke. We wanted him to wake you first so we could talk. Earth...isn't coming back. You've been asleep for over 28 years and it's as dead as the day we left. I'm working on a plan B, though. If you're awake, that means I found it. I'll see you again when I do.** »

He was about to turn off the camera when Harper interrupted him:

« **Wait. Not yet.** » She tried to contain her tears and told us full of emotion: « **Take care of our boy.** »

I swallowed the huge ball that was just growing in my chest... I felt you trembling near me... The last message came... Monty ... old, very old ... an unrecognizable old man, sad and alone, tired. We could hardly believe our eyes « **Jordan...your mother died today. She was pretty sick the last few years. Clarke, you were right. Her dad's genetic condition finally got her.** » I felt you crying for good and I couldn't contain myself any longer. « **We had a good life. Sometimes...I know she wanted to be with you guys. Maybe I did too. But if we did that, I wouldn't be able to show you this. Son.** »

Jordan activated a switch that opened the main window pane. The two of us then moved to the front, side by side. The shutter opened on a huge and beautiful planet, fabulous...

« **It took me 30 years, but I finally cracked the Eligius III mission file. Turns out it wasn't a mining mission. After sucking the Earth dry of oil, they went looking for another planet to tap.** »

I couldn't believe my eyes... It was beautiful. A second spark came from behind the planet.

« **Two suns?** » You whispered in amazement.

« **I set the coordinates a week ago. If I'm right...you should get there in...75 years. I'm tempted to put myself in cryo to see it, but without Harper...anyway, it's in the Goldilocks Zone of a binary star system. But that's all I know. Eligius III never radioed back or, if they did, it was after apocalypse one, so, no one heard it. Can you see it? Is it beautiful? It is in my dreams. I hope we do better there. I hope Jasper was wrong and we aren't the problem. I hope your lives there will be as happy as mine has been. Be the good guys. May we meet again.** » Those were his last words.

My tears were now flowing and so were yours. We answered him in symbiosis:« **May we meet again.** »

I couldn't take my eyes off this splendid spectacle. Nor could I contain the sorrow of having lost our friends. Monty's message broke my heart, and I knew you did... I needed you, I was happy to have lived this moment by your side... I instinctively moved closer to you and placed an arm on your shoulder, sticking you a little closer to me. You came to rest your head on my shoulder and embraced my waist, leaving no space between two bodies, our two hearts, our two souls. No words were required to connect with each other.

And we stood there for eternity... We didn't even hear Jordan slip away...we just watched our future, unknown, uncertain, our second chance...together...


	61. NOT YET

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene is unfortunately not canon...But I think we deserved at least something like that...

I don't know how long we stayed like that...neither of us seemed ready to let go of the other. We both stared at this new world, this new chance. The universe was so huge, so different...That we were here together was a miracle...a sign? I finally turned my head slightly so that I could admire you, holding you always against me... We'd been through so much together, and we would have so much more to do. Monty and Harper seemed to have had a good life, alone with the love of their lives, and then their son. Nothing else had been necessary for them. And seeing you, holding you there in my arms, I tell myself that I didn't need anything else for me to feel really good, really whole. I only needed you, nothing more, nothing less, just you. « **It's really beautiful...** » You whispered with a smile as a tear washed over your lips.

My eyes were always focused on you... I was contemplating the beauty that decorated you, forgetting everything that had just happened... « **Much more than wonderful yes...** » I answered you, except that I wasn't talking about the same thing as you and you knew it. Of all the beauties I have been lucky enough to discover in the universe...you are by far the most precious to me. Didn't you see what my eyes wanted to tell you? I could never find the words to tell you that I loved you, that I belonged to you...I could only find my eyes to cross yours, so many questions in your eyes, so many answers in mine...I just wanted you to let me love you until my heart burst...to let me try to make our two chaotic lives an infinite and eternal happiness...

You raised your eyes to meet mine in which you must have noticed the wonder at you...you smiled, more frankly this time, your cheeks still wet, like mine...we had cried, one against the other, as we had done so many times. We had mourned the loss of our friends. We had cried the happiness of discovering this wonderful new planet, our new chance...we had probably also cried the relief of having found each other, and the frustration of still having to maintain the wall that separated us...

You moved your other hand towards my face, forcing you to turn your body towards mine, bringing you a little closer... you put your hand on my cheek and tenderly wiped away the traces of the last tear I had let out. I let myself do it, savoring every touch. This gesture filled with gentleness made me shiver...you hadn't let go of my eyes and seemed as amazed as I was... Through your eyes, I felt alive, more than ever, but also full, complete. I felt connected to the best of me and connected to you. I felt unique, important, loved. I felt like I could lift mountains. I wanted to change the world, to make it more beautiful, together. I felt the sweetness of life and its magic in each of our cells. Your eyes plunged me into an ocean of softness, tenderness, pleasure...there were no feelings stronger and more intense than the ones I felt, that I always feel for you, feelings that are stronger than anything else and that never get stronger.

I didn't realize right away that my heart had gotten carried away... I brought my free hand back to put it on yours, still on my cheek, your thumb caressing me very slowly... I had to close my eyes to appreciate every sensation. Geez, I loved it. It's as if I was born for it. My gaze was lost for a few seconds on your lips...they were calling me...and if I touched them, just for a few seconds...if I passed my thumb over them and touched the perfect outline...what would be the harm in that? Would you understand all the love and anguish that haunted me if I finally kissed you? If my lips clung to yours like that, they would never want to come off...I looked up at yours as my heart beat faster and faster. It would eventually explode. The world around had literally stopped. It was just us, just you. It had always been just you... I caught your eyes doing the same. Lingering on my lips, I could feel your hand trembling on my cheek that you were still caressing... You weren't smiling anymore. On the contrary, you seemed very serious, vulnerable, almost fragile. You took a deep breath and plunged my gaze back into mine...you opened your mouth as if you were about to say something, something that burned your lips...those little words that our eyes had been exchanging in their own language all along. « **I..** » Then you suddenly changed your mind and the sparks in your eyes gave way to panic, fear, sadness.

You closed your eyes, folded them slightly as if to hold back new tears...you moved your head slightly and suddenly removed your hand. No longer feeling your skin against mine felt like it had been removed...it felt like a part of me had been torn off. You kept your eyes closed, your head down... « **We have to wake up the others...** » You blew with a wiggle of your head as if you had forced yourself to say it, as if each of those words lacerated your heart. I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again, so that I wouldn't see the day when the wind will carry you away from me again, when I won't see your eyes or hear your voice that made me want to be with you, to die in your arms and simply be the man of your life.

You completely turned around, turning your back on me...we realized that Jordan was no longer in the room. I could see you shaking, breathing hard...you were in pain, not physical pain, but the kind of pain that tears your heart out and can do far more damage than physical injury.

I knew why, I knew it in my heart...I hated seeing you like that...I wanted to be an asylum for your suffering, to soothe it by understanding you, by simply being there...But wasn't I the cause of it in the end? I hated it, but it was clear: this situation, our feelings, this limit that we couldn't cross... That was the cause of all this suffering that I saw coming down on you. I felt terrible about it. I should have been less of a coward, and yet I will continue to be one, too long. Time kept slipping through our hands and I kept wasting it... Idiot!

I took a step that brought me closer to you, always with my back to you...and put my hands on either side of your arms. « **Clarke...** » My voice was broken, uncertain, full of that emotion that had overwhelmed me a few seconds earlier and that still echoed all over my body.

You gave me a light thump of your shoulder and moved forward again so that I could no longer touch. I knew you were crying...you couldn't stand my touch anymore....

« **Bellamy, we have to wake them up right now. We have to get organized, there will soon be no more seaweed rations...we're not out of the woods yet. We know almost nothing about this planet!** »

You were talking fast, as if you were forcing yourself to think about something else... of course we had to wake them up... But I found myself thinking selfishly...thinking that maybe we could enjoy a few days alone, just you and me. A few days with no danger on the horizon, without having to think about saving the world...just us. A few days for our hearts to finally surrender...we had earned it, I think. I wanted to tell you about the radio calls, to tell you that I knew about it, to ask you why you kept it a secret. Trying to clarify all this for good and finally put words to our relationship might have forced me to break this commitment I had imagined for myself to another.

But we wouldn't be alone, there was Jordan, he had waited 26 years to see something other than this ship, to meet real people...and he was our responsibility now.

« **You're right...** » I admitted with a sigh, bringing me to my senses without really wanting to. « **But we can't wake everyone up, not yet, not until we know what's waiting for us. We have to choose them rigorously...** »

« **You have to wake up Echo.** » You told me in a cold tone of voice, cutting me off and staring at me again. Now, I understood: Echo... I hadn't thought about it at all since I woke up. That was the source of that sad glow in the depths of your eyes, it was her thought that had brought you back to reason.

I suddenly realized...the head...you had kept your mind clear...you had stopped before it was too late. I knew that you hadn't been blaming yourself for what had happened with Raven and Finn, when it was not your fault at all... You wouldn't do it again...I respected that. I didn't want to act like that either, but I had to face the fact that I loved you, not her. I was no better than him in the end. It was probably even worse. I hadn't stopped loving you, not even for a microsecond. I should never have let her into my life. Your death should never have been an excuse because you were still living in my heart. I stuttered, troubled... « **You...you're right, yes. I'll wake her up. And we should also wake up Raven, Murphy, Emori...Monty and Harper was their family too...** »

« **Okay... I'm going to wake my mom, Jackson and Miller... And I think it's going to be a good start.** »

You took a few steps and then stopped: « **Don't you want to wake up Octavia?** »

« **No, not now, I don't feel able to face her, to handle her...** »

I didn't need to say anymore, I knew you would understand exactly how I felt. You nodded your head... and walked towards the cryopods without a glance... as if the magic moment we had shared just before had never happened... swept away in a blink of an eye with a tear running down my cheek.


	62. ALPHA

So we woke up the others, rigorously selected: Raven and Shaw, Murphy and Emori, Echo and Abby, and we gave them Monty and Harper's message. Hearing them a second time didn't make it any less sad. We gave them our place in front of the window...we had enjoyed it enough, maybe even a little too much. Our gaze was instantly captured, our eyes still shining with tears following the moving farewell of our friends...we quickly turned away, embarrassed...

I broke the silence... « **I know this is a lot to process. Take an hour and meet in the mess. We need to game this out.** »

You go on... « **Guys, we survived. Monty made sure of it.** »

« **Now we get our humanity back.** » Your mother continued.

« **Some of us never lost it.** » Raven dryly retorted as she walked out of the room...

An hour later, I was in the dining hall with Echo, Murphy, and Emori. Murphy was flooding us with salacious jokes about what Shaw and Raven must have been doing at the time... and I must admit that his humor was welcome. You weren't there either. I was starting to get worried. Your mother was alone at a table, being in the doldrums.

You finally walked in, took a quick look at us, and directed you to Jordan who gave you your ration.

You walked towards your mother, but I called you on the way, more to reconnect with you, which had become almost nonexistent since they woke up, than to really question you: « **Hey, you see Raven or Shaw?** »

Emori followed up viciously: « **You know, the people you handed over to our enemy to be tortured.** »

« **Now, for Clarke, we call that a Tuesday.** » Murphy continued in the same tone.

Surprisingly, it was Echo who defended you... « **Easy. She did the right thing in the end.** » I didn't know if I should stand up for you too or let you handle it... I honestly didn't know how to explain to them that I had already forgiven everything, forgotten everything... so easily, because I couldn't help it.

« **No. I haven't seen them.** » You answered simply by ignoring the others as you went to sit next to your mother.

Jordan joined you a few seconds later by bringing you a bottle of Monty's seaweed to keep Kane in a coma. I turned around to you and heard you recognize:

« **The stuff Bellamy used on Octavia. The first generation induces coma.** » These sad memories came to the surface and pinched my heart. I thought of my little sister, still in a coma, whom I still hadn't forgiven. My little sister whom I hadn't hesitated to poison in order to save your life.

Your mother left immediately for the infirmary as Raven and Shaw came in with smiles on their faces. Clearly, Murphy's jokes were not that far from reality... I saw your eyes close immediately, but you still came closer as I began to talk about organization. « **Here's what we know. Eligius III was a colonizing mission. According to the file, the mothership went to 5 planets that met necessary conditions for life, dropping mission teams on each one. Monty picked planet Alpha for us because it's the closest and probably the most like Earth.** »

« **Was there a probably?** » Murphy asked.

« **We have to assume they couldn't know for sure until they got here. We can scan the atmosphere from the bridge.** » Shaw replied.

« **Actually, we can't. None of the equipment we used to monitor Earth is working. I'm guessing it's interference from the ionosphere.** » Jordan explained.

« **Bottom line is, we won't know if it's survivable until we get down there.** » I said looking at you, remembering then that it would taste like déjà vu and that I wanted you by my side.

« **Sounds familiar.** » You see as if to support what I am saying.

Raven questioned then: « **What about radio signals? Anything from the ground that says the mission team survived?** »

« **No radio signals.** »

« **Likely also the ionosphere. There is an ultra-high-frequency ping on radar, faint but--** » Jordan explained.

« **A rescue beacon. We used them on Eligius IV to--** » Shaw wanted to speak, but Emori cut him off:

« **Great. If there's a beacon, that means someone's down there, right?** »

« **Not necessarily. They're solar, so--** » Raven and Shaw answered him in the heart.

Raven asked Jordan when the Eligius 3 had arrived.

« **Hard to tell since they never radioed back, but best estimate--200 years, give or take.** »

« **That's a long time to wait for a rescue.** » renchérit Murphy.

There was a blank and then Echo threw: « **I trust Monty.** »

You nodded. « **Great. Then it's settled. We land at a distance, give us time to acclimate. We'll wait for them to come to us.** » I said.

« **Let's talk about guns. If we have them, we'll use them.** » You asked.

« **We're taking guns. We're also taking nonlethals.** » You gave me the big eyes, but let me continue. « **Now, EligiusIV had gas grenades and shock batons to control the criminals. We won't shoot first this time.** »

« **In that case, Clarke should stay here.** » Raven badgered you.

You didn't bother to answer, you looked up at the sky, exasperated. I understood that they couldn't forgive you as easily as I could, but still... they were hard, too hard on you. Raven in particular was targeting all her rage at you and it was not justified. There was nothing I could do at that time to comfort you, so I just responded to her... « **Raven, you're the one that's staying here.** »

« **What? Like hell I am.** »

« **Look. We can't take both our pilots, and since we'll be flying blind until we're below the ionosphere, it has to be Shaw. That's not all. Jordan, you're staying, too.** » I made it make sense and it did. It was amply justified. There was no way that you wouldn't be at my side to discover this planet.

« **Me? Why?** » replied the young man, surprised and disappointed not to be able to discover anything other than the ship.

« **I know it's hard, but your parents asked us to keep you safe.** » You explained to him, understanding perfectly what I had planned. « **We have no idea what's waiting for us down there.** » It's crazy how, in spite of everything, we still understood each other so much, finishing each other's sentences by reading directly into each other.

Echo continued looking at me: « **Which is why we should take our best fighters.** » I understood what she was getting at. « **My sister is the last person I trust not to shoot first, so she stays on ice with everyone else until we know what we're dealing with.** »

« **And if it's too late by then?** »

« **Fine. I'll wake up Miller.** » I replied completely aside. I knew she didn't mean that, trying to make me realize that I might never see her again. « **Good. Say your good-byes. Head to the transport ship.** »

« **Well, I call shotgun.** »Murphy said as he stood up to cheer up the rest of the team.

Once everyone was ready, we were getting ready to board the shuttle. Miller thanked me for taking him and Jackson. You also thought it would be helpful to take him along in case we needed a doctor. I told him that I trusted him, that it was my sister who had thrown me into the arena, not him.

« **Let's load up.** »

You arrived and went to your mother...« **Right behind you.** »

I waited for you anyway, watching you hug your mother and asking her to take care of Madi in case something happened to you. I won't let anything happen to you, not again. I knew we would take care of each other this time. I selfishly envied your mother for being able to hug you so easily... We took off, and the radio signal jammed shortly afterwards. We could no longer communicate with the mother ship. We would have to fend for ourselves. The ship was flying, or should I say falling at full speed, dragging us down in a total fog. Then suddenly... The wonderful landscape of Alpha revealed itself before our astonished and reassured eyes.

« **Boys and girls, meet planet Alpha.** » Shaw introduced it as he landed in an immense green forest. The landscape was splendid. Perhaps even more beautiful than on Earth...we would write a new chapter. We would start again, a new chance...together.


	63. WE GO TOGETHER

We were getting ready to go down. I activated the lever to open the ship as I had done years before. This time, you didn't yell at me, on the contrary... You were by my side, in every sense of the word.

« **Please be breathable. Please be breathable.** » Jackson repeated as the door opened on a lush forest, still beautiful as the one discovered on Earth. « **Breathable air -- check.** »

« **Radiation levels good, too.** » Emori smiled. « **Eligius III didn't need to send nightbloods, after all.** »

« **How about that beacon, Shaw?** » I asked.

« **8 clicks due East. I think it's on high ground. There's a water source about halfway.** » I smiled, reassured. I turned back. Everyone nodded.

You turned to me and smiled: « **You should go first this time.** » Remembering that it was my sister who had the privilege of setting foot on Earth. You plunged your eyes sparkling with excitement into mine. This time, we will discover this planet without any disagreement between us. We would write a new page, you and I...

« **No. We go together,** » I answered with a broad smile. Then I remembered that we were not alone and hastened to add:« **all of us.** »

We all moved forward at the same time as Miller launched: « **Anyone got anything better than 'We're back, bitches'?** » referring to Octavia's first words.

« **Monty would know what to say. He should be here.** » replied Murphy, sadly. « **He is,** » I replied to him while looking at you...

You go on back: « **He already said it -- 'Do better there'-- so let's do better.** »

I agreed, but Shaw replied: « **That's easy to say, but talk is cheap.** »

You looked away, trying to keep a modicum of dignity, but I knew you were in a bad way. You slowly took a deep breath.

I put my hand on your arm to comfort you as best I could at that moment: « **Hey, look. He'll come around. They all will. Don't fall behind.** » You seemed reassured, but this simple and brief contact, as if only my opinion really mattered to you.

We walked a little hour through the high grass of the forest and we arrived in front of a kind of immense lake... the view was spectacular, magnificent. The red sun highlighted the landscape in an almost unreal way... « **Looks like we found the water source. Woah. Now, that's a view. We camp here.** » I announced.

« **It looks like the suns are eclipsing.** » You noted.

Murphy began to undress in the direction of the water despite Jackson's protests that it was not serious, untested, and that his wounds had not yet healed. But who could control John Murphy? He plunged into the crystal clear water under our worried gaze.

He didn't come back up... Emori called him.

« **Something's wrong.** » You announced as you walked towards the water.

But Murphy came to the surface, apparently happy: « **Come on in. The water's fine.** »

« **Oh, who knew cockroaches could swim?** » Emori teased him.

« **What, you want me to teach you?** » And he grabbed her and led her to the water fully clothed.

Euphoria suddenly overcame me... It hadn't happened for a long time. We looked safe, in a beautiful place, with no enemies on the horizon... so for a few hours all worries disappeared....

Echo and I joined Murphy and Emori. Even Jackson and Shaw joined us! You and Miller didn't come. You didn't seem motivated to have fun... You just stood on your own two feet while we had fun in the water, you just turned your back on us. I would have liked you to join us, but I could understand why you didn't allow yourself to relax. You must have felt out of place. And then, to be honest, I was so happy to, for once, really have fun, that I wanted to make the most of this moment without worrying about anything else. Seeing your body next to me in the water would probably have disturbed me more than I should have...

When evening came, we stood by the campfire that you and Miller had prepared. After these good moments spent during the day, I remembered the last months spent on the ring. It brought me closer to Echo, I couldn't reject her, it wouldn't be right. Not after all she had done and accepted to help me grieve for you, which I had never really done. I sat down not far from you and Echo joined me in her arms. I let myself do it, it felt good to feel loved, close to someone, relaxed, even if that someone wasn't exactly the person I wanted.

I could feel your eyes drooping and your breathing getting slightly blocked at that moment. I didn't dare look at you.

We were looking at Miller and Jackson who were a little further away. Miller didn't look good at all ...

« **Miller helped keep Octavia alive. Someday you'll thank him for that.** » Echo told me.

« **Will I ?**? »

« **There's no starting over without forgiveness, Bellamy. Who knows that better than us? That means your sister, too.** »

« **I can't.** »

Shaw tried desperately and relentlessly to reach Raven on the radio...without success.

« **Raven'll get the radio fixed.** » You explained to him, trying to reassure him. He was simply looking at you meanly, with scorn...

I think it was one look too many...you were going to crack, I could feel it, and it was legitimate. It broke my heart not to be able to do anything to comfort you, not to be able to tell others all the good things I thought of you...

Emori soon joined Shaw's gaze...only Echo seemed strangely not to resent you... If she knew... All things considered, I think she always knew.

« **I'm sorry I turned you in, Shaw.** » You told him in all humility.

« **You really wanna do this now?** »

« **Maybe you two should speak in private.** » Murphy suggested.

« **No. I want you all to hear this.** **If I could, I'd go back and do things differently, but I can't. None of us can.** » You looked at me, half crying... I looked away, unable to bear to see the tears flooding your eyes...

You go on: « **For some reason, Monty thought we deserved a second chance.** »

« **Not for nothing, but this is, like, your fifth chance.** » Murphy replied.

But you didn't let yourself be reached this time and replied directly: « **Yours, too, Murphy.** »

He grinned at you, understanding where you were going with this... « **Very good. I got watch.** » And he stood up. Probably no longer feeling concerned about the conversation. Indeed, if anyone should be able to understand you, it was him ... He had done much worse than you, several times. He was the last person to have to throw a stone at you.

Shaw resumed: « **You're right. Your friend Monty gave you a second chance, but now what? Salvation comes from faith and good works, what you do, not what you say. You haven't done anything yet.** »

You were speechless, exhausted, not knowing what to do to prove that you were truly sorry... Your face closed again, I could read in it the immense loneliness you must have felt. I had to stop it. And it was coming.

I gently released myself from Echo's arms: « **Hey, listen. You hear that?** »

« **What happened to all the bugs?** »

Murphy arrived from the edge of the forest and Jackson called us: « **You guys gotta see this.** » He handed us the glass box containing the funny insect that he had recovered: « **5 minutes ago, this thing ate a leaf out of my hand. Now it wants to eat me. Not only that, its entire physiology has changed from --** »

Murphy crushed another insect which had thrown itself on him: « **Oh, look at that. Your pet's pissed I killed its brother.** »

A strange noise then occurred: « **What the hell is that?** » Emori requested.

Thousands of insects were arriving at full speed: « **Swarm.** »You announced.

« **It's coming from the direction of the ship. We'll never make it back.** » Echo said.

I then spoke in order:« **Tout le monde, couvrez-vous, on court vers la balise.** »

We ran as fast as we could, covering ourselves as best we could, but we were being attacked from all sides and its giant insects were hurting like hell. We finally had the idea to light a flare to keep them away, it worked. We then managed to advance a little better... But it was necessary to make quickly, these insects were tough. We finally arrived at the beacon and Shaw ran straight ahead without paying attention to the radiation shield that was standing right in front of us.

He was targeted by several radioactive beams that burned him...

Everybody was screaming: « **Get him out.** »But no one was really moving.

Until I heard you say: « **It's radiation. It won't affect me.** »

I screamed instinctively in dismay, ready to follow you. « **Clarke, no! Get back!** » I didn't want to risk losing you. I didn't want to watch you die in front of me...at that moment, I knew that not only had I completely forgiven you...but above all, I couldn't bear to live without you for a single second! I needed you like a myopic person needs glasses. I needed you to see the world around me more clearly, to understand the beauty of things, to live. You were me, you are essential to me. To find you after all these years made me understand how much I needed you, even if I had survived. With you, life was more than just survival. You were that little cherry that made the cake more attractive, more delicious.

Of course, I didn't want Shaw to die... but not at the cost of your life. You always had to save others, you couldn't help yourself... How could our friends not realize that? You always put yourself last, putting others ahead of yourself! You made a mistake once, putting your daughter before everything else... Was that so horrible? Hadn't we all done worse at least once, every one of us?

You pulled Shaw out of the radiation field. Obviously, you were right... The radiation didn't affect you. But it was too late for Shaw.

« **Clarke, we're running out of time here.** » I remembered when you were taking care of Shaw, who was still in bad shape. He had time to explain to you how to disable the shield.

« **It's down! Run now!** » We didn't ask for anything.

You reactivated the shield after we passed by, preventing insects from entering.

Jackson ran to Shaw and you did the same. He didn't want to waste a needle of medicine... « **Tell Raven she deserves happiness. She doesn't think she does, but...she does.** » And he drew his last breath. One took the time to bury it before setting out again... Nobody thanked you for risking your life again.

We took again the road and went up the hill in direction of the beacon. We then noticed that the magnetic shield was arranged in a circle...the people who had erected it must have wanted to block access to it.

« **What are we gonna tell Raven?** » You demanded.

« **He died a hero.** » I answered you.

« **Look. I do hate to make this about us, but—** » Murphy began.

« **Then don't. Shaw just saved your life, Murphy.** » You replied.

« **I'm aware. I'm also aware that we just lost our pilot. Madi's still up there. You're not worried you're never gonna see her again?** »

You turned around abruptly and pushed him violently.

« **Woah, woah, woah. Easy! Easy, easy.** » Miller said, trying to calm you down as we all turned to you... « **Ignore him.** »

But Murphy went on to smile at you and provoke Miller: « **Yeah. Your Red Queen is still up there, too, Miller. Who you gonna follow now?** »

Miller grabbed it by the collar in his turn. « **Hey...** » I was trying to intervene... « **As therapeutic it is to beat up on Murphy, Emori can fly.** »

This one didn't seem to be so sure... « **Sure. Yeah. I've had one successful landing in a ship I trained in for 6 years. No problem.** »

We took a few more steps before finding a staircase... I reminded them: « **Easy. We approach slow, no hostile movements.** »

What we found upstairs was impressive. We would never have believed it in our dreams. A castle! A real castle with a small village built around it... It was splendid!


	64. IT KEPT ME SANE

We moved forward a little to discover these enchanting places... which seemed empty.

Emori pointed out to us the sign of the flame on the flags which stood around the hat... « **ALIE?** »

You moved your head. « **I -- Becca did the tech for Eligius.** »

I looked at you with admiration that you understood so quickly... « **Right. Destroy the world, 200 years later, they put you on a flag. See? Hope for us yet.** »

Murphy tried to knock on doors without success: « **Hello? Invaders from Earth. Can we come in?** »

« **John. Keep it down.** » Emori warned him.

« **I don't know why we're knocking. Gone door to door, and no one's here.** »He answered her.

« **We don't know that yet.** » Echo said.

« **These are people's homes. We're not breaking in like thieves.** » I added.

You approved then:« **Bellamy's right. If we want to do better here, we can't be just--** » But Murphy had already kicked open one of the doors.

« **Well, look at that. This one's unlocked. Hmm, kinky.** »

You moved forward to join him, glaring at me as you passed by.

It was a kind of apartment, handcuffs were attached to the wall. There was a kind of shrine with a family photo in front (the LightBournes) and blood in a bowl.

« **They sent families.** »You noticed it when you looked at me.

« **Nice to be remembered.** »

« **Or worshipped.** »

Murphy then found dead insects in a species of vivarium. « **Dead bugs. Karma's a bitch.** » You go out: « **Come on. We shouldn't be here.** »

Murphy handed me an mp3 player and I put it back in its place, but he took it anyway in the end.

We decided to wait. Emori was trying to open the castle door. I was sitting on the swings next to Echo, still trying to reach Raven on the radio... You were in the background. I couldn't see you, yet I could feel your intense gaze on me...

Murphy suddenly put some music on his player and started to show off...it was worth a look!

« **So any guesses where all the people went? This place is too well-maintained to be abandoned.** » Echo asked me.

« **Maybe, but if they are gone, then there's enough room here for everybody on the ship.** »

I no longer felt your presence, your gaze... Even if this feeling disturbed me, not feeling it anymore bothered me, worried me. I left immediately to look for you... You had simply isolated yourself inside what looked like a school, with your mind occupied by a book.

« **Hey...** »

« **Hey.** »

I slowly approached you while discovering the places at the same time, you did the same.

« **I wish Madi could have gone to school.** »

« **I wish Octavia could have.** »

« **Instead, they just had us to screw them up.** » You admitted with a touch of regret and I couldn't contradict you in view of what had become of my little sister.

You changed the subject, seeing my gaze close... « **Still no luck on the radio?** »

« **No.** »

« **Trust me, I know the feeling.** » You let the air out of your eyes as you looked down and went back to your book.

It was the right time, I had to tell you about it. I had to tell you that I knew, I had to see your reaction. Raven hadn't responded for a single day, I was surrounded by several people, and I was still panicking... I couldn't imagine how you had felt all these years. And you never gave up! You held on to me as if I was the last stone that kept you from falling into the void. And what was I doing during that time? I was lamenting and doing everything I could to try to move on. « **I'm sorry I couldn't respond all those years.** »

You looked up, surprised...I could almost hear your heart beating more and more loudly at this announcement... I explained: « **Madi told me.** »

You blew, trying to relax the atmosphere, but I could see that you were still and more than anything extremely embarrassed ... « **Of course she did.** » As if it didn't surprise you more than that. Mostly, I think you seemed relieved that I didn't really listen to those messages? God, I would have given anything to hear all the things you've been telling me over the past 6 long years.

You were avoiding my gaze, probably looking for an explanation, what to tell me... I can only see you now, the rest is just decoration. Then you raised your head: « **I know it sounds crazy--Madi certainly thought it was--** » You suddenly seemed to remember those moments and continued looking at me with a slight smile that made me capsize: « **but talking to you every day, even though you didn't answer, it kept me sane.** »

You lowered your head immediately. I felt that you wanted to say more, but you didn't want to... I would have liked to know what you have been telling me these 2199 days! Did you finally give yourself up to me and tell me all the things I wanted to hear?

I didn't want you to be ashamed. You didn't have to be. I should have been the one to be ashamed that I abandoned you, that I didn't keep the hope that you were alive, that I had moved on to being something...

I smiled at you then: « **It's not crazy.** » You raised your head full of hope... I had to relax the situation. Seeing you there like that, so vulnerable in front of me... I just wanted to hold you close to me... But we couldn't...because I could feel myself imploding. I could feel the impatience of my tongue to betray me. To tell you that I was crazy about you. So much in love with everything you were, everything you are. It had nothing to do with your outer beauty, but everything to do with the beauty of your soul. And what's crazy is that you don't seem to realize how extraordinary, captivating, and incredible everything about you is. So I used humor: « **Little pathetic, maybe, but it's not crazy.** »

You started laughing sincerely and it was the best gift you could give me that day... Your smile, your laughter... I will never get tired of it, however rare it may be. Just one of your smiles could disarm me completely, it made me feel confident. I succumbed totally... I was absolutely under the spell of your laughter, in love with your smile, in love with your voice, in love with your eyes, in love with your personality, in love with your individuality...I was simply in love with everything that characterized you. And I still am. I'm in love with everything you are, I don't want to change anything. But I couldn't tell you how much I loved you, not yet. I couldn't tell you that you were my refuge and that the simple sound of your voice reminded me of that. And that wasn't fair. To be surrounded by your beauty but not be able to caress it is so unfair.

« **Yeah.** »You admitted, and continued to smile spontaneously, irresistibly. We just kept standing there smiling fully, and maybe a little silly... We shared that complicit smile that perfectly represented the close relationship between us, giving the feeling of a perfect understanding. This conniving smile brought us intensely closer for a moment of shared exclusive happiness. Our eyes met with the same ease as before, as if it could not be otherwise.

Then we heard Murphy in the distance who brought us back to reality and you took the opportunity to walk away. You've done well. « **I'm gonna go and watch 'The Murphy Show'.** »

I watched you walk away from me once again, happy to have wrenched a smile from you that was meant for me. I shouldn't have been so touched by your look through your smile. I was now convinced that my love for you was mutual. Only Echo was in our way. I was in a sad situation. I had to make a choice, it had been made a long time ago in fact, from the moment I saved you from Diyoza. But above all, I had to have the courage to assume this choice. You wouldn't do anything as long as Echo was with me I knew, and I wouldn't do anything either, I respected her too much for that. Still, all those feelings...maybe it was worse than a physical betrayal. My heart and soul belonged entirely to you, and it was even harder to hide it now that I knew in my heart that you probably felt the same way.

I looked down and found a book that caught my attention... I went out to find you and I also called Echo who was right next door... « **Clarke, did you read this?** »

« **No.** »

« **Okay. 'Trees and plants give us shade. We eat them every day. When the stars align, and the forest wakes, it's time to run away.'** »

Then I stared at you, knowing that you would understand right away, you looked up at the solar eclipse and continued the book and explained: « **It's not a nursery rhyme. It's a warning.** »

At that moment, we saw our ship take off... someone had just stolen it from us.

Emori then threw herself on Murphy, trying to stab him, to kill him. She was beside herself, hysterical. We had a hard time keeping them away, controlling them. Emori screamed! She had managed to hurt Murphy.

You still held the book in your hands and announced: « **It's in the air.** »

I turned to you... You had once again found the problem... This planet wasn't safe... We were all going to go crazy!


	65. I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE

We all went inside the building to tie up Emori, the first one hit by the eclipse, and to heal Murphy, who seemed to be more mentally than physically injured.

You reread the passage from the book: « **'For two days, heaven is hell, and friends become foes.'** » You went on and on: « **Whatever is in the air, it affects people, too.** »

« **Why are the rest of us okay?** » Miller asked.

« **I don't know, but according to this, it comes from the plants.** » You explained.

« **It's a children's book.** » Murphy grumbled, still grumpy.

« **Yeah, but it's coming true. When we were running from the bugs, Emori went down in the brush. It's probably why she lost it first.** »

« **First.** » Echo asked.

« **We're all breathing it in.** »

« **If it's the air out there, then we'll stay in here. We are gonna ride it out.** »

« **That's a great plan, Miller. What happens when we're trapped in here and the rest of us lose our minds?** » Murphy pointed out to him pertinently.

« **Murphy's right. There's more restraints in school. I'm guessing they're everywhere. We need to separate.** » I announced.

« **I'll stay with Emori.** » Echo added immediately.

So we all decided to isolate ourselves and get attached. The chains on the walls were probably there for that anyway. The best thing to do was to protect ourselves and wait for it to pass. Miller and Jackson stayed together, Emori with Echo, and Murphy you and I in the school.

I came to join you after I made sure the others were safe. It was even more than tense between you. Murphy must have just thought of you again after seeing how upset you looked. « **Okay. Echo's with Emori. Jackson is with Miller upstairs. No one's armed. Now it's our turn.** » I spoke as I walked towards Murphy. « **Gun.** »

He didn't seem pleased to give it to me, but it was his look at you that disturbed me, and it was even more so when I saw you sitting on the floor, almost bursting into tears.

« **What'd I miss?** » Neither of you answered and I could feel the discomfort present. « **Okay. Consider this time to work out your differences.** »

I put the weapons at the other end of the room and grabbed the chains, you were already tied up. « **Let's do this. Now, Murphy.** »

« **Why do you get to keep everyone's keys?** »He asked me defensively.

« **Relax. Clarke will have mine. Satisfied?** » I answered him by throwing my keys to you.

The truth was that I had chosen to be with you in this room for this reason: I didn't trust anyone else to give my keys to, it had to be you. And I wouldn't have left you alone with Murphy for anything in the world, he had too much animosity towards you. I wanted to take this umpteenth test with you. I felt less scared, more confident when I had your face in my sight. « **I guess so, as long s the people who live here don't come home after they kill everybody on the mothership.** » Murphy continued, giving you an icy look.

« **Nice one, Murphy.** »

You leaned your head against the wall, I knew you had tears at the edge of your eyes, but you wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing them flow. Even though I had to stay out of it, I hated seeing you like that.

The minutes went by slowly, too slowly. No one dared to speak up and the tension between you and Murphy made me uncomfortable....

He was the one who couldn't resist speaking up and putting on another layer: « **God, I hate being tied up, yet somehow whenever I'm with you, sooner or later, we wind up here, don't we?** » There he goes again... he would never leave you in peace. « **I mean, first, you hanged me.** »

« **Well, in fairness, I did that.** » I finally intervened.

« **Only after she forced your hand, and who could forget Lexa? Yeah, I was tied up that night, too. Just a disposable pawn in your game.** » He was really ruthless with you. I saw your reaction to the mention of Lexa and it gave me a little twinge in my heart. He was going to break you down even if you held on... « **Neither was tying up me and Emori in Becca's lab, but she was disposable, too, right? I know you remember that one, Clarke, because you drew a little picture of it in your memory book. Let me ask you a question. Did you draw a picture of Bellamy in the fighting pit, too?** »

It was the one move too many... I couldn't take it anymore and neither could you.

« **Okay, Murphy. That's enough. Don't make me gag you, too.** »

You changed the subject and simply told him: « **Jackson can take another look at that wound in the morning.** »

« **Oh, It's not from the knife. It's from the bullet wounds that I took from saving Bellamy's life from those armed psychopaths you put back in the battlefield.** » I could see now that you really couldn't take it anymore. It's strange how you were more or less able to keep calm about everything, but as soon as he mentioned it to me, you lost all control.

You end up yelling at him and letting the tears flow... « **What the hell do you want from me, Murphy? I'm sorry, okay. For all of it. I never meant for you to get hurt, but, no matter what I od, someone always does. Is that what you want to hear, that I'm the bad guy? Fine. I'll be the bad guy. When I'm in charge, people die.** » And while I shuddered that you would think such horrors of yourself, I had no expectation that you would turn to me and take me to task: « **Isn't that what you said?** »

You remembered, after all these years, you still remembered what I yelled at you that day, when I was bruised by your abandonment. I didn't mean a word of it, you knew that, didn't you? And yet those words resonated with you, had an impact on you, and they still haunted you. You quickly turned your gaze away from mine, as if you couldn't bear to see your reflection in them. I couldn't believe how much it affected you. I hated being the cause of your suffering. I would have entrusted my life to you with my eyes closed, and I did so several times. In truth, you were the only person I let lead my life without the slightest apprehension...I may not have been objective, but I didn't care what other people thought or even your own opinion. If you didn't have enough faith in yourself, then I would have that faith for both of us, and for everyone else. My trust in you had no limits.

You spoke to Murphy again: « **Satisfied?** » He suddenly looked embarrassed: « **It's a start.** »

Fortunately, or not, this conversation was cut short by Miller's screams upstairs.

I had to go and see what was going on. I asked you for my key.

« **Fine. But I'm going with you. Throw me mine.** » This did not surprise me at all.

We went out in the direction of Jackson and Miller leaving Murphy alone.

We knocked on the door to get Jackson to open the door. Miller banged his arm with all his strength, thinking he had worms inside. I untied Jackson to examine him while you tried to hold him down. He had nothing, he was hallucinating.

Suddenly Jackson grabbed a knife with a creepy gleam in his eyes. I tried to stop him, but he pushed me against the wall. He slashed Miller's arm, but I had time to give them a shot of tranquilizer...

Once our breaths came back, I asked you: « **You want to tell me how two people can have the same hallucination?** »

You answered me with another important issue: « **We have no idea how to survive down here.** » We went back to the school, empty. Murphy had detached himself we know how and left with a weapon.

We went out both of us looking for him.

Without really knowing why, I asked Echo to open her door and let me in, but she told me it wasn't safe.

« **Echo's right. We should go back inside. He can't shoot us there.** » You told me gently, probably realizing that I was starting to delirium.

« **No. You need to go back to the school and see if he left any weapons, and you need to open this damn door!** »

I pounded violently at the door and explained to Echo that we had to use our tranquilizers and that we needed for Murphy.

Instead of opening up to me, she confronted Emori and began to hear voices.

« **Bellamy...** »You were trying to calm me down.

« **Just wait, Clarke. Echo, now!** »

I kept banging on the door.

« **Echo, don't listen to him. He's losing it, too.** » You advised her. I didn't give up, but I heard her tell me: « **Bellamy, I'm sorry. I can't.** »Before inflicting the tranquilizer on herself.

You tried to reason with me: « **Bellamy, It's okay. The toxin is affecting you. Now just come with me back to the school so --** »

I didn't let you finish and gave you a nasty answer: « **Maybe you haven't noticed, Clarke, but I don't need you anymore.** »

How did I come to tell you this? Just the opposite of what I thought. You knew it was because of the toxin and yet your eyes were more hurt than when Murphy attacked you in the school. Luckily, that was the exact moment he chose to shoot us and divide us. We went our separate ways to escape him. He probably saved your life without knowing it.

This period is so blurry for me, I have bits and pieces of memories, I just remember not being able to control myself, losing my mind completely, as if I were someone else... I don't have to remember everything ...

I don't know how long I was out there looking for Murphy. He finally came to me, visibly calmed down, and decided to be careful. He put his gun down and discharged it for safety.

He tried to resonate with me, but it only increased my madness...

« **Oh, so you're looking out for me-- John Murphy, court jester.** »

« **Well, it beats useless.** »

« **Not by much.** »

He rushed at me shouting « **Now! Clarke! Do it!** »

You must surely have had a plan to control me, but you didn't, probably hallucinating. Looking back, I don't know what effect this toxin had on you...what did you see? You didn't attack anyone that I know of... I fought with Murphy and tried to drown him... I almost succeeded.

You came here to stop me. I could hear you screaming « **Shut up.** » You probably heard voices. Your already guilty and bruised mind must have made you see all the colors, putting your conscience to the test.

I dropped Murphy unconscious into the water.

« **What did you do?** »

« **Here we go again. How many times have you tried to kill me now?** »

I tried to strangle you, but you stabbed my leg and ran to Murphy to pull him out of the water.

You managed to save him...but I threw myself at you: « **I'll kill you! Not this time. This time, you die, not me.** » And I strangled you.

Murphy tried to stop me, but he was still too weak and I was in a rage, so I pushed him away easily. I grabbed the dagger on the ground and stopped it from advancing, still grabbing your throat.

« **Hey, get off. Give me that thing. Stop it man. You're killing her.** »

« **I'm saving us from both of you!** » He managed to grab me and I released the pressure. That gave you enough time to pull out a gas grenade and put the three of us to sleep. I can never thank him enough... Just the fact that I tried to hurt you disgusts me, I would have probably killed myself for ending your precious life. Luckily, we passed out together.


	66. SHE IS, SHE CAN SPEAK FOR US.

I woke up when I saw your mother. She carefully lifted me up, I heard your voice and that reassured me. Despite the world around us and the panic, our eyes melted into each other as we became aware of what had happened. You looked at my leg wound with fear and I saw the marks of my hands around your neck... What had I done? I never thought I could have experienced such a horror, whether I was in the grip of toxins or not, I should have fought back and protected you.

You put one hand on me and kept looking at my bleeding leg. I had almost strangled you and yet you blamed yourself for stabbing my leg...it was nothing serious! I couldn't stop looking at you, aware that I had almost killed you, I had almost lost you through my fault... Even if I wasn't conscious, it would have been my own hands. I would never have forgiven myself. I understood then the remorse you must have felt for having left me in the arena.

I looked away so I wouldn't break...and I saw my sister... « **What the hell is she doing here...** » She looked down, disappointed with my reaction.

« **and who is that?** » I asked them in the direction of an unknown woman. Then I heard Abby near Murphy, he didn't wake up. It was my fault.

You got up and went to his bedside. I was petrified. How could I have been so infected that I hurt everyone, hurt my loved ones, hurt you? Murphy was the closest friend I had left and you... you were my world.

You helped your mother inspect Murphy, his pulse was weak, and you noticed that his blood was blackened, like an infection.

Then we heard the cries of children coming from the other side of the castle... The unknown woman looked towards the main staircase and indeed, dozens of children came running up the stairs, cheerful.

I got up near Jordan. A little girl looked at the unknown lady: « **It's okay, Rose. Don't be afraid.** »

Then the little girl turned to you ... « **Are you here to take us home?** »

« **Isn't this your home?** » You answered her without understanding.

You didn't have time to get your answer, other people arrived by the stairs... hundreds of people, adults...

« **Everyone keep calm.** » I said, feeling the panic coming over me all the same.

« **Weapons down.** » You commanded.

« **Abby, stay with Murphy.** » I asked her.

The guards came running to protect the little Rose.

« **Hey, It's okay. We're from Earth. We come in peace.** » You tried to explain when we were being surrounded.

A woman approached the one who was with us: « **Kaylee, where have you been? Where's your family? »**

« **They killed them.** » She answered without giving more details.

As Jordan pointed out, it sucked!

Murphy suffocated at that moment, he was convulsing.

« **Help us, please. Our friend's dying. He's not breathing.** » You begged by crouching down next to Murphy as your mother tried to revive her.

That's when a man appeared. He ordered the guards to step back. He must have been the leader.

He asked you to step back and inspected the wound: « **He's already dead.** » We were horrified, my heart started to race, it was all my fault. The man continued: « **Fortunately for him, death is not the end.** » What the fuck?

He called a man, Cillian, a doctor. « **He was exposed to the seaweed during the red sun. Do it.** »

The doctor pulled out a snake and had it bite Murphy. Impressive. The chief and the doctor explained to us that its venom had the virtues of antidotes.

He told an anecdote about the snake a little louder, but I was so captivated by Murphy that I didn't understand anything and I didn't try to understand.

Murphy breathed again. And so did I.

« **Well done, Cillian. Now lock them up.** » He ordered.

You tried to explain yourself, but they wouldn't listen and took us to a sort of tavern where they locked us up.

We laid Murphy down on a table. He was breathing, but was still unconscious.

I stayed with him, still blaming myself. Emori too.

« **I can't believe I did this to him.** » She cried.

« **Emori, you didn't. I did.** » I answered her... « **Who cares? We need to get out of this place.** » Octavia spoke.

Then I stood up and addressed my little sister:

« **What are you even doing here?** »

« **I came to save your ass.** »

I walked towards her, beside myself. She had nothing to do with it, but I needed to take the pressure off and taking it out on my sister was easy. But Echo stopped me.

« **Bellamy, no, not now. If we're gonna fight our way out, we need her.** »

« **Echo, we're not fighting them. We need them to teach us how to survive down here.** » You interfered.

You were right. You wanted to give the best of yourself to respect Monty's last wishes, to do better ... We'd be the good guys this time. I was 100% on your side.

The guards returned with the tavern managers who brought us refreshments and welcomed us.

Jordan seemed to be strongly under the spell of their daughter, Delilah. Delilah explained to him that the drink in the glasses, which he thought was really delicious, was a recipe in honor of Josephine Prime. They all ended up saying: « **Hallowed be her name.** » It's fucking weird!

You stepped forward in front of the girl: « **Uh, can I ask--it's probably none of our business, but what's a prime?** »

« **Sanctum was colonized by a team from Earth made up of four families -- the primes. Their blood rules us still.** »

The chief we had seen earlier arrived before she could tell us a little more. He was accompanied by a woman, apparently his own. The managers and their daughter bowed to them.

« **Which one's the pilot?** » The woman pointed to Raven and the guards went towards her, but the chief stopped them: « **Stop. Did I say to take her?** »

You stepped forward: « **Look. If this is about what happened on the mothership, your people stole our transport and then boarded us by force. My people were just defending themselves.** »

« **Lies.** » The woman who was with your mother when we woke up intervened. « **She wasn't there. We hurt no one.** »

« **What's your name?** » He asked you, ignoring the woman.

« **Clarke Griffin. What's yours?** » You answered him without being impressed. His wife answered in his place and addressed you in a very haughty tone: « **He is Russell Lightborne, seventh of his line, savior of Sanctum, and you will bow before using his name.** »

« **I don't think so.** » You replied, making it clear that she wouldn't have the upper hand over you.

« **My wife's a stickler for protocol, but she knows you can't observe customs that you're unaware of. You have questions, understandably, and we'll get to them all, but first, we need your transport ship to be flown into Sanctum. You can land in one of the lower fields.** »

« **Why? What's out there?** » Your mother asked.

« **There are worse things in this world than eclipse-induced psychosis. All of them are outside the shield, and the worst of them would love to get their hands on the weapons Kaylee says are on your ship.** » His wife replied.

« **Why are we asking for permission? My family is on that ship.** » The other woman shouted.

Russell turned to her: « **Which is why you'll be on the team sent to retrieve them.** » The woman trembled and looked at him in fear. « **What, now you're afraid to leave the shield?** »

« **I told you, we were late for shelter when we saw that ship. Either we took it or we suffered the red sun.** »

You used their little argument to discreetly go and talk to your mother. That's when she must have told you that Madi was there, because you were screaming: « **What? You woke her?** » She tried to calm you down... « **Nevermind. Raven will fly the ship. But we're going too.** »

Raven responded to you with even more disregard than she had shown since we woke up: « **Didn't realize you were giving the orders again, Clarke.** »

You looked at her, but didn't get up...

Russell spoke again: « **Fine. Choose your most disposable people. It's time to go.** »

You stepped forward to go...he stopped you dead in your tracks and I totally agreed with him: « **You don't strike me as disposable.** »

A knot formed in my stomach. The last thing I wanted was for you to go back out there and risk your life without thinking, as you did with Shaw for example. I needed you. And of course, you were valuable, you were not replaceable. You were many things, but not disposable.

« **None of us are, but my child is out there, so I'm going to get her.** » You answered him, confidently. « **Please. We have things to discuss. Are you the leader of your people, or not?** »

I didn't wait for you to answer, because I knew you would say no, and I needed to know here, safe and secure...I stepped forward without worrying about the opinions of others and answered him categorically, assuredly: « **She is. She can speak for us.** »

It's true that you were anyway, you were intelligent and courageous, you were the ablest of us to negotiate with him. And besides, if he thought you were leading us, he would give you importance, he wouldn't let you go. You'd be safe here for now...at least that's what I thought. If I had known that I was entrusting you to the one who would cause your loss...

You looked at me, troubled. Did you doubt that I trust you completely? It was the case though. Of all the people here, or even of all the people in the Universe, if there was one I did not doubt and to whom I would entrust my life, it was you. I also remember the last time I used those same words: "she is" ... it was in another time, another planet ... where I didn't hesitate for a moment to put 283 lives in the balance against yours, because yes, you were important to me, the most important one in fact... The world could be reduced to ashes, I didn't care, only your safety mattered to me and I now knew that it had become much more essential to me than that of my daughter.

« **Good. You can escort your team to the steps.** » He ordered the guards. « **The rest of you will remain here, well-cared-for till we can decide what to do with you.** » You were looking in the blur... you must have been worried about Madi.... But I knew what was really wrong: you had no self-confidence and were afraid that our fate would depend on you once again. You didn't want that responsibility anymore.

« **Raven, Echo.** **Octavia, let's go.** » I commanded. They advanced without discussing in spite of the disappointed look of my sister... « **Hey, Miller, you stay here. Keep an eye on things.** » And by things I meant "Keep an eye on Clarke," and he knew it.

« **Can I talk to you for a second?** » You asked me before I went out.

We moved away a bit from the others... « **What? You said it yourself. We need these people. For some reason, their leader seems to like you, so let's try and keep it that way.** » I saw that you were still as troubled as ever...I wanted to reassure you: « **Hey, Clarke, we'll bring Madi back. I promise.** » I put my hand on your arm. You hung your eyes on mine and had to read there that I would keep my promise no matter what. You decided to trust me as I trusted you: blindly. You just nodded your head...it felt like you wanted to tell me more, but you didn't...and that was good, I had to distance myself. Every moment spent near you, our eyes intermingled, made me lose my mind, made me forget our mission, Echo ... everything that wasn't you... I just wanted to stay with you, close to you. You were my own red sun, you eclipsed my whole world, but that was the most beautiful feeling I could feel. If it was a hallucination, then I didn't want to wake up anymore... And what I could see in your eyes now, all that love... It was holding your hand that I wanted to get lost and find myself, to live and die. Why the hell did you ask me to use my head? I had to leave as soon as possible, yes, it was better that way.

I left Sanctum, taking one last look back at you. I hoped I wouldn't regret leaving you there, out of my protection... I was looking back and yet when I saw you, it was the future ahead of me.


	67. WELCOME TO SANCTUM

The path to the shield was quite tense. I was still angry with my sister and Echo was trying to change my mind, she wanted her near us to fight.

Before we left the secure area, the woman, Kaylee, told us: « **Hold up. There are things and people in these woods that want us dead. You fall behind, you will be.** » Then one of the guards fired into the shield to show us that the radioactive field formed a dome. Raven was captivated. That deactivated it and we went out to join the ship.

We approached the ship and heard a noise ... It came from the ship... Kaylee was panicked, a guard held her down. Kaylee was struggling, she disagreed. I walked towards the guard who seemed to be leading the mission: « **What are you talking about? Our people are there.** »

Echo stepped forward: « **It's okay. We don't need them. Go. We'll bring our family home.** »

They left us alone.

Octavia walked straight ahead in the direction of the noises: « **This should be fun.** »

I did not retaliate and we followed her. We arrived at the ship a little before dark, Madi, Diyoza, and Gaia were on the ground, visibly paralyzed. Strange men were standing in front of the shuttle, armed. They looked a bit like grounders, probably living in the forest. We decided to wait until night for better luck.

Echo looked through the binoculars she had taken from the guard. There were only a few men left, one had just left with the weapons, which surprised us enormously.

Octavia didn't wait and went towards the one who was now alone with the weapons. She almost fell into a trap, but that didn't discourage her. She ran straight ahead.

« **O. Damn it, O. Octavia, get back. Do not engage. Octavia, they'll kill our people. Do not engage, O. Hey, don't.** » But she didn't listen to me, uncontrollable. Echo wanted to join her to help, but I stopped her. Octavia ended up shooting them all single-handedly. Diyoza got up at that moment, killing the last one and aiming at my sister.

I was shocked that my sister still had so much rage in her. She really couldn't stay with us until she calmed down.

« **They were withdrawing. Why the hell would you attack?** » Diyoza asked.

I arrived shouting at her again: « **Are you out of your mind? You didn't have to kill anyone.** »

I went to Madi and Gaia... « **Why aren't they moving? What's wrong with them?** »

« **Paralytics darts.** »Diyoza replied.

I crouched down next to Madi and took her in my arms as you probably would have done: « **Look. It's okay.** **DIyoza, Echo, get the body bags. Raven, would have heard the gunshots. Get us in the air before they come back.** »

Diyoza explained to us « **They were waiting for something, kept talking about a second moon.** »

I placed Madi in the care of Echo... « **When you figure out what that means, let me know.** »I replied to Diyoza who entered the ship.

My sister wanted to go in too, but I got in the way: « **Not you.** »

« **Oh, come on. What are you gonna do, leave me here?** »

« **Yeah, for your own good and ours.** » I knew I was going to blame myself, but it was the only solution. It was a danger to the peace that we were trying to achieve, and she knew how to handle herself very well, she had already proved it to us. She would have time to think, and I would no longer see this monster acting in the place of my sister. « **Monty gave his life so we could have another chance, and I'm not gonna let you destroy that.** »

« **We saved Madi, Gaia and Diyoza. We got the damn ship back. We lost no one. How is that a bad thing?** »

I looked at her, disappointed by her lack of judgment ... her lack of remorse ...

« **Until you can answer that yourself, you're on your own.** » It was hard and it broke my heart, but I couldn't see any other solution.

« **Fine. Should have died in that gorge, anyway.** » What I was about to tell her was going to break my heart, but I couldn't let her have the last word, not anymore. « **Octavia!** » I shouted instinctively... Those words hurt me, but I couldn't turn back so easily. I wanted her to know how I felt. She stopped. « **My sister died a long time ago.** » That's how I felt. I closed the shuttle door crying.

Echo came and tried to comfort me...but it wasn't her that I needed. She only made me feel worse.

The ship took off, leaving my sister in this forest with these strange men dressed in foliage...

We arrived quickly at Sanctum and went directly to the tavern. Madi was anxious to see you. I quickly told her what had happened while omitting our period of hallucination.

She ran and jumped into your arms... For the first time since we had this conversation about radio calls, you smiled frankly. You hugged her while looking at me, grateful. I walked towards Murphy who had woken up: « **I'm sorry.** »

« **It's not your fault, man.** »

We didn't have time to really enjoy the reunion. Russell and his wife, Simone, have arrived: « **It's been a long day, so I'll keep this short. Sanctum was created to be a sanctuary for the human race. After seeing you save Delilah, we've decided that you deserve that, too.** »

« **You changed your mind? We can stay?** » You asked him, finding it hard to believe. I didn't know what had happened, but the bandage around your hand didn't reassure me.

« **For now, but no more of you. You will follow our rules and respect our traditions, and we will teach you how to survive here.** »

« **What my wife is trying to say is, welcome to Sanctum.** » We were all relieved, smiling, Echo took me in her arms and I tried to greet her awkwardly...knowing full well that it wasn't her that I wanted to hug at that moment, always.

Simone walked towards Diyoza and offered to examine her baby. But when Madi mentioned her name and Octavia's name, Russell and Simone seemed confused.

You looked at me right away: « **Where is Octavia?** » I lowered my eyes, you understood.

Russell addressed Diyoza: « **Charmaine DIyoza?** »

« **Yes.** »

« **Escort this woman past the shield right now.** »

Diyoza realized that her reputation had followed her to this point. « **You could say that. Your face is in our history books next to Hitler and Bin Laden.** » Russell confirmed.

Your mother was worried about the baby and Madi wanted to follow Diyoza, but you held her back and Diyoza reassured her.

« **One way or another, the devil gets his due.** » Murphy said.

They then took us to our rooms, ready to start a new life. Our rooms were almost next door, yet it was not with you that I shared it. But that night, like all the others, it was your face I saw as I fell asleep, at the dawn of a new page in the book of my chaotic life.


	68. YOU'RE TOO IMPORTANT TO ME

The next day, there was euphoria throughout the village. We were invited to their enthronement ceremony, we would apparently be the guests of honor. Delilah, the daughter of the tavern managers would be glorified as a Prime. I wasn't sure I understood what all this meant and honestly I didn't really care. I still had my sister on my mind, still doubting that I had made the right choice...and you...still you.

So I went down to the tavern with Echo, you were already there with Madi, Raven, and Jordan.

« **Murphy and Emori?** »

« **Went to guard the ship with the others.** » Jordan answered me.

« **Murphy missing a chance to act like a drunken fool? Now I'm worried.** » Echo teased.

« **He'll be fine. Maybe the rest of us should go there, too.** » Raven was visibly unmotivated to participate.

« **What? No. I need this.** » Jordan was worried, which made me smile. We all understood that he was under Delilah's spell and that he had spent the night with her.

« **We're guests of the primes. If we isolate ourselves on the ship, they may take offense.** » Expliquas-tu.

Delilah's mother called us. The opening ceremony was about to begin. There would be festivities all day long.

We were all heading to the square except Raven who told me she would be staying at the bar.

I have to admit that the opening ceremony was nice although very special... Russell explained that we must free ourselves from our regrets, our sins, and tell those we love that we love them. It was a good intention ... but would it be enough? I immediately thought of Octavia, and of you... Echo wanted to do like the rest of them, taking me in her arms as I felt your gaze towards me. You lowered your eyes and left the square immediately in the direction of the bar.

A few hours later, people would prepare their lantern for the ceremony that would allow their sins to disappear into the sky. We had to write our greatest regret on a piece of paper that we would place on the lantern. I had followed you shortly after you left and was now in the bar, nonchalantly trying to take an interest in what was going on around so as not to show the real reason for my presence here.

I wasn't sure if it was working and I had a list too long to write so I didn't participate. I didn't necessarily want to join, but to be honest, I wanted to keep an eye on you, make sure you were okay. You looked like you wanted to participate because I saw you take a paper and write something on it...I was looking at you, I only had eyes for you and I wasn't paying attention to everything that was going on around you.

I told myself that if I was going to write something, everything would revolve around you...but I wasn't going to write anyway: not being brave enough to tell Clarke that I love her, having betrayed Clarke by putting the flame in Madi, having left Clarke on earth during the Praimfaya, having let someone else take Clarke's place in my life... The list was still very long, but it would have been all about you and maybe a little bit about my sister too!

You hung up your note and walked straight to me with a strange little grin on your face... I pretended to look at the others so that you wouldn't notice that my attention was once again focused on you. After more than 6 years without you, the only thing I wanted was to be able to look at you, again and again... Because I didn't love you with my eyes closed, like a blind man. No, I loved you with my eyes wide open, like a madman, accepting everything madly.

« **Apparently, the lanterns float, taking your sins with them.** » You explained to me.

« **Hmm. If only it were that easy.** » I answered you.

« **Maybe it is.** » You looked at me with amazed eyes, full of hope. I knew that despite this sudden hope, your conscience would never leave you in peace for all that you regretted...I knew you better than anyone else. It wasn't a simple lantern that would relieve you. You continued: « **I wrote down leaving you in Polis.** » This confession troubled me, even embarrassed me a little. I could still feel the regrets and the weight of your remorse. I hadn't been angry with you for a long time, but it still haunted you...in spite of everything you could have written on it (yes, your list was as long as mine...), you chose to write that! It was really what was eating you up the most. I understood, I would have felt the same way. And above all, I understood that what I thought was becoming more and more confirmed: you loved me as much as I loved you. One more piece of the puzzle had just been unveiled, and its pattern really resembled two souls in perfect symbiosis.

So I was embarrassed... I didn't want to think back to that moment when you abandoned me, or I felt so bad, so alone...I had done and taken a lot of things in this life, but knowing that the one person who has always supported you is finally abandoning you...it's a feeling I couldn't bear anymore. I didn't want this intense sadness to come over me again. It was too much for me. I looked up to the heavens trying to contain my emotions, my tears. I didn't look at you and answer you: « **Clarke, stop. Let's not do this.** »

Yet your eyes didn't leave me, trying to plunge a little more into my soul, your look so sincere and beautiful, so fragile... Your eyes were the mirror of the beauty of your soul...

You took over and I finally couldn't help but connect with you, you soon let the tears flow: « **What I did--leaving you like that--** » Your sincerity broke my heart, your vulnerability at that moment even more. I had never seen you in such a state...you searched for your words and finally, you summed it up: « **I'm so sorry, Bellamy.** »

Our gaze was lost in each other...my tears began to rise and I had to fight from the bottom of my heart not to put my hand on your cheek to wipe those tears.... I simply nodded, seeing that you were waiting for an answer from me:

« J **I know what it's like to risk everything for one person.** » You must have thought I was talking about Octavia, but not only. 283 for just one... « **I know Madi's your family.** »

You didn't let me go on... « **Hey. You are my family, too.** » My heart began to race... I let a tear fall. It meant more to me than any "I love you" ...you continued... « **I lost sight of that.** »..And that was literally what happened. We had lost sight of each other, but our hearts had never ceased to belong to each other, to expect, to recognize each other, to forgive each other over and over again... « **But I promise I will never forget it again.** » You take a deep breath and shake your head as if you were looking for your words... « **You're too important to me.** » That was too much for me, too much for my heart, my soul...I had deciphered your message well...you had just glued back together every broken piece. I was whole now. Whole, but so sad to feel blocked, imprisoned, attached to someone I didn't really love...The deep silence...

I didn't know what to say... I mean, I knew, but I didn't have the right to... « **Clarke...** » I got up and you didn't leave my eyes, full of hope...and for a few seconds, I almost cracked, almost forgot everything, giving in to this both sweet and violent temptation.

Then reason came back, so I simply hugged you with all my strength and you didn't hesitate for a moment to give me back my embrace by clinging to my neck...our breaths were locked on top of each other, delivered with a weight...I closed my eyes to fully enjoy this moment, thinking back to all the times I had been lucky enough to hold you close to me. I was breathing fully again. You, the only one who knew me perfectly, with whom I had gone through everything... I felt your love now. I didn't doubt it anymore. Never before had the expression ''swimming in happiness'' taken on so much meaning in my eyes. I felt a deep sense of carelessness and bliss that made me feel good. It was as if my spirit had been detached from my body and was floating in space, linked to yours. And I love you as one loves a goddess: timelessly. I was convinced that all this was not in vain, that we were born to find each other and create a peaceful future together. It was up to me now.

We detached ourselves, with a light heart... We realized again that we were not alone in the room... « **Are you gonna try it?** » You asked me as you showed me the lanterns.

« **Too many sins. My lantern wouldn't float.** » I said smiling stupidly, still in the euphoria of the last moment.

You looked at me again: « **Octavia?** » I gave you back your gaze. « **No more amends today.** »

Unsurprisingly, you respected this choice without question: « **Okay** ».

And we stayed a few more minutes like that, one against the other, smiling, breathing... I made the decision that was inevitable anyway: I had to break up with Echo, to have the courage to break her heart, even though I think she wouldn't be so surprised. I had to regain my freedom, regain the freedom to be able to confess my feelings to you, to be able to offer you my heart and soul unconditionally. The light of love that I now saw in your eyes would guide me, would help me make the right decision. I felt like an orphan away from your arms, I couldn't go on. This new page of our life, we would fill it together, it couldn't be any other way.


	69. IT'S NOT THAT YOU WANTED

In the evening, there was a dance party before the final ceremony. I was waiting in the dance hall watching all these young people having fun, dancing...it was fun to see, I must admit. Not worrying about war or enemies, just having fun, having a good time...it's been a long time since that happened to me.

I had never been very good at it, never actually had the opportunity to do so, although the old Bellamy would have gladly seized this opportunity to relax... I remembered our first month on Earth, the unity day, your smile...the first night we really acted like friends, the first night I discovered that you knew how to have fun, the first time that your smile seemed more than just a friendly smile to me... Jordan was lighting up the floor with Delilah, he was happy. My heart pounded at the thought that Monty and Harper would have liked to see their son like that. They should have been there, sharing this moment with him, with us.

I was leaning against a pole, sipping the drinks they brought me, thinking it would give me a little more courage to have THE crucial conversation with Echo, whom I hadn't seen all day and who I wasn't especially eager to see again given what was waiting for me. And that's when I saw an angelic and almost unreal apparition at the top of the stairs. It was you. With that smile for which I was ready to grab the stars. You were wearing a beautiful blue dress that perfectly highlighted your curves that would have made all the goddesses pale. I had never seen you so resplendent. Of course, your Wanheda dress was stunning, but the conditions were not the same. I hadn't really had a chance to dwell on it. But now, seeing you at the top of her steps like a real princess, it was as if time had stopped. I couldn't help but smile. You were so perfect. I think my heart stopped! How could such beauty be real?

I then felt an equal mixture of happiness and suffering, I was swimming in euphoria, but I was troubled, even anguished, by the violence of my feelings, of my desire, when it had never been so intense...and I was still a prisoner of my commitment to another. I had to content myself with looking at you, admiring you without being able to touch you, once again. I really had to leave her. I couldn't wait for you to join me, but I was also very apprehensive about the moment when I would once again have to pretend, keep my distance...and with this outfit, you made it even harder than usual.

I couldn't take my eyes off you, but I could feel the look of others on you...and it drove me crazy! And at that moment, when you had just come down the stairs, still marveling at the party in front of you and the recklessness that was offered to us... My nightmare appeared, this doctor... He approached you and took you by the hand to lead you on the track... I saw you shaking your head " No... ". She said no, let it go c*****! But he insisted and you followed him anyway, laughing shyly. He drove you to the middle of the dance floor, you still laughed, you smiled at him... I liked that smile so much...and I hated it just as much that it was meant for someone other than me, someone who clearly wanted to touch you. Another one whose thoughts I could clearly guess...who wouldn't have any thoughts when I saw you looking so beautiful in that dress? You didn't need a dress anyway, you were beautiful no matter what.

You started to dance slightly, almost embarrassed, then let yourself go, to my great regret...you smiled, you embraced him...And I was screaming from the inside, not being able to smile anymore...I just wanted to cross this floor and tear you away from him. I was clenching my fists as hard as I could to contain my rage. You seemed so free, so happy...and I couldn't stand that anyone but me was bringing you those emotions. It was painful for me to look at you and yet I couldn't take my eyes off your 2 glued bodies. Every look, every hand he put on your body...it drove me crazy! Jealousy gnawed at me and I felt powerless in the face of the doctor's charm while the lyrics of the song resonated with me:

« _I'm stuck underwater_

_I just need some space, my friend_

_It's not what you wanted_

_But I just need a change, again_

_Help me out before I die_

_Save me now before I give up_

_Help me out before I drown_ »

I felt like you were talking to me through this song, as you were getting ready to be charmed by another one, probably trying to finally move on to something else? While a few hours before I saw so much love and promise in your beautiful eyes.

The whole universe was playing my word against me! I had been looking for it, I couldn't ask you to wait for me until I decided to leave it, to clear the place that was rightfully yours.

And yet I was so angry at you, at you for letting him put his hands on your body, at him for daring to stick his body against yours... And at me above all, for not having the guts to be in his place, for not having the courage to cross the damn dance floor to pull you away from him. You danced, again and again, getting closer and closer to him, your movements becoming more and more indecent...I knew how it was going to end, and I hated it, I hated myself. I needed to let off steam.

« **Hey** » Echo arrived then. I gave you one last disappointed look before joining her without much motivation. She immediately saw my devastated face.

« **What's wrong?** » And once again, I lied to her. The anger of seeing you with another made me sweep away all my good resolutions. I arrived after the battle, too late. If you ended up with him, I had no reason to leave her, to be alone. Even though I would be alone in any case deep down inside. It was a very bad choice, one more, taken in anger.

I was out of my mind... you had practically opened your heart to me in the afternoon and now you were there, glued to that doctor, ready to give you to him. I couldn't stand it.

« **So the last time I was at a party, my sister was arrested.** » I said to her, because it was the only plausible explanation that came to mind... it was better than the truth. I was an idiot, once again. I should have spilled everything to her, the violent truth. I should have told her everything as planned and gone for the damn dance floor to rip you out of that doctor's arms. I should have! If I had, you would have been with me that night and none of this would have happened.

« **Bellamy, if you're gonna tear yourself apart over leaving her, let's go get her.** » She told me nicely. But it wasn't my sister that I wanted to go there right away.

I didn't need her kindness, I didn't want it. I wanted to take it out on someone, I wanted to take out all this rage and pain...it was because of her that I wasn't close to you, that I couldn't say anything, that I couldn't do anything about this stupid doctor who was putting his dirty hands on your body. ...it was her fault that I was not in his place...in fact no, it was mine, only mine...but at that moment I needed to blame her, to find a reason to stay there, inactive once again. « **No, this isn't me tearing myself apart, okay? This is me being human--feeling things when people I love are in trouble or die. The Echo I knew on the ring did that. Why don't you?** » I confronted her... Maybe she would be angry enough to leave me by herself, without me having to confess anything to her. Anyway, I didn't need to, she knew that. I didn't know why she stayed anyway.

« **This isn't about me.** » She was smart, I don't know if she knew who my problem really was...and I didn't want to give her the opportunity to tell me. But I think she did, she knew, she always knew, it seems to me.

« **No? We lost Monty and Harper 3 days ago. How do you feel about that? 'Cause I have no idea. I lost my sister yesterday. It's gonna take me a little while to feel nothing, like a good Azgeda spy. But I'll keep trying.** »

And I turned back to the track to get my worst nightmare in my face.

She left, I blew, ashamed that I had taken it out on her when she didn't deserve it. I looked for you. You were no longer there, neither was the doctor... it was too late... The nightmare was just beginning.

I went outside, landing on a bench... Ruminating, crying... It felt good to be alone... I tortured my mind imagining what you were probably doing with Cillian, his damn hands on your sweet body, his lips, yours... Could it be serious? Just a one-night stand like I'd had decades before? I was hoping for it even though I had no right to. I used to do the same thing with Echo and suddenly realized how you could feel...but that didn't make it any easier to take it.

But what could I have done or said? I had no right to, you didn't belong to me, we were just two best friends... completely and utterly madly in love with each other, but officially just two friends. And I had a girlfriend. A woman who was trying to be there for me when I had been really obnoxious, a woman who was holding out even though I loved another woman.

I had to apologize to her. I won't leave her tonight, no. Let's wait and see where your relationship with Cillian took you...wait...wait...always wait, that's all I was good for anyway.

So I joined Echo at the bar, she had been drinking, far too much, just like me a few hours before, but the effect of the alcohol had finally dissipated, all I had left was my sorrow and my guilt. I apologized to her. She accepted them without discussion... and probably about the effect of alcohol, confided in me about her childhood, which she had never done. I felt pity for her. She was more fragile than she seemed. If I left her, it would surely break her. I was all she had now. I couldn't abandon her, I felt responsible for her. I finally approached her and told her before I kissed her, thinking of you and the doctor: « **From now on, we look forward, not back.** » I think I was trying to convince myself, but I knew it was impossible. Because all I could see if I looked forward... was you, Princess.

Yet that night again, you were in my head, in my heart, in my tears, in each cuddle I gave her...and I had no idea that while I was mixing my body with Echo's, more for revenge than for envy, you were dying...Another mistake that wouldn't have happened if I had done the right thing.


	70. JOSEPHINE LIGHTBOURNE, NICE TO MEET YOU

The next day, after having hardly slept all night, I decided to make a new start and to live from day to day... In the end, I won't leave Echo right away, she didn't deserve that ... even if technically she didn't deserve that I sleep with her either, thinking of another one, of that goes without saying. But knowing that you had spent the night with someone drove me crazy, jealousy definitely didn't suit me!

Murphy was back and his humor was doing me a favor. We were joking about Jordan and his girlfriend. He was worried that she didn't recognize him anymore...thought she wasn't herself and couldn't even remember her favorite flowers...

Murphy told him eventually: « **Yeah, that and, like, maybe don't get flowers for a one-night stand.** » We both laugh under Jordan's vexed gaze and you walked into the room... What a strange coincidence... Right after Murphy said something about a one-night stand. I waved to you, trying not to seem weird or angry... You walked towards us smiling but Madi ran into your arms. Then I saw Gaia talking to you but you seemed really weird, as if you didn't understand her...

I needed to know, I couldn't help it, so I got up and came to talk to you so I could ask you the question without the others hearing. And most of all I needed to see your reaction when you talked to me about this thorny subject. So I found you with Gaia:

« **Everything okay?** »

« **Yeah. Fine. Where are the others?** » You seemed relieved that I intervened.

« **One of the primes is showing Raven and Emori how to build a radiation shield.** »

« **Ryker?** » How did you know him? Probably while I was on my way to the ship to pick up Madi.

« **Yeah. I sent Echo and Miller to watch their backs.** »

« **And my mother?** »

« **Still in the library. Jackson said he found her sleeping with her head on a book.** »

« **Speaking of books, let's get you to school.** » You spoke to Madi. « **Clarke??** » Gaia didn't seem to like it and I was also surprised that you let Madi go.

« **Chill out. She'll be fine.** » You replied...how long have you been talking like that? But above all, since when were you so relaxed about the risks Madi was taking? Gaia gone...

**« Chill out?** » I questioned you, suspicious.

« **What?** » You asked me.

It made me laugh at first... I really liked to see you happy and relaxed, it was really unusual for you: « **Huh. Nothing. Happiness looks good on you.** »

To think that this doctor had such a relaxing power over you made me jealous again. I took it upon myself not to let anything show.

And I placed nonchalantly, keeping a forced smile on my face this time: « **I take it you had fun with the doctor.** »

« **Cillian? Yeah...** » You seemed surprised but continued smiling at me: « **Let's just say it'll be a while until he recovers.** »

And you came out with a slight smile on your face, leaving me standing there, gawking... I didn't expect such an answer... Had you made this confidence on purpose to annoy me? To test me? I would have thought that you would feel embarrassed, on the contrary... Time to recover???? Goddamnit, but it was so intense?... So my nightmares of that night were real, maybe even worse! Images that I absolutely didn't want to see started to scroll in my head and I felt the anger coming back ... Making a new start? Well... It was obviously not going to happen anytime soon. I could have tried to convince my reason, to persuade my feelings: I had you in my skin and it wouldn't change anything. Your performance last night didn't lessen anything; on the contrary, it intensified everything I was feeling.

I didn't expect to run into him so soon... I couldn't force myself to be nice to him.

I found myself back towards Murphy, trying to take my mind off things, without success.

Gaia was really worried, I tried to reassure her: « **Gaia...Hey, slow down. Madi will be fine.** »

« **Fine? They gave Clarke a bodyguard for being a nightblood, and she just sends Madi to school?** »

Delilah's mother arrived at that moment and offered us some pastries. Jordan arrived right away to ask her about last night. She explained that her daughter had joined the Primes. When Jordan told her that she didn't recognize him, she said she missed her too. Strange.

I tried to make him understand: « **Jordan, we're guests here, and we need their help. I'm sure whatever happened between you and Priya--** »

« **Delilah** » he cut me down.« **It happened between me and Delilah. I know you think you need to protect us all because you couldn't protect Octavia, but I can take care of myself.** »

He was definitely the son of his parents! No doubt about it.

I then tried to find a place to settle down using the map of the planet, with Murphy. But this one was not very packed. We realized that Jordan wasn't there anymore. I thought I knew where he was. He was going to put us in danger! We had to find him. Most of the inhabitants had gone into the forest to offer the lifeless body of the little Rose to the forest... Another strange tradition.

When I arrived at the palace door, my suspicions were well-founded, Jordan had hacked the digital lock to get in: « **Like father, like son.** »

Inside it was really creepy: a skeleton gallery... Seriously!

« **Jordan, we know you're in here. What the hell are you doing?** »

« **What you would've done, the you before Praimfaya anyway. Heart over head. That was my favorite Bellamy.** » Go ahead and get it in your teeth. The truth is always the one that hurts the most! He then moved forward and Gaia entered the room...

« **You, too?** »

« **They worship nightbloods. I'd like to understand why that is.** »

Murphy spoke: « **I'd like to leave. There's no way I'm getting thrown out of the one safe place on this moon because you got dumped.** »

And then you go in, a little pissed off: « **This is Sanctum's holiest place. You shouldn't be here.** »

As we all looked at you strangely you continued more calmly... « **I'm sorry. I just, uh, I saw you on the steps.** »

« **Does that mean your bodyguard could, too?** »

« **Good point. Let's take this outside.** »

« **Not yet. Mark of the flame?** » Gaia said, looking behind one of the skeletons.

« **They're all commanders.** »

Indeed all the skeletons had the mark on the nape of the neck.

« **That's why the symbol was on the flag.** » Murphy wanted to leave but I took the floor: « **The ones in the front row must be the original Eligius team. There's 12 of them. Oh, and they take kids.** »

You then say as if you understand their custom: « **Familial love is a powerful motivator. People will do anything to ensure the survival of the ones they love. Now let's ensure our survival and get the hell out of here.** »

But Jordan managed to open another passage ... a lab...

« **Operating room attached to a crypt. Really?** » Murphy's reported.

Jordan ran towards Delilah's clothes, claiming that she had been here.

I then tried to find an explanation for it all: « **Okay, let's think this through. Becca created the flame after apocalypse one. She obviously provided the tech to Eligius III before that. That means that--** »

« **They're not commanders.** » Gaia said, relieved that her faith was not shaken.

« **Right. So what the hell are they?** »

« **Let's find out.** » Jordan announced as he sat down at the computer. He didn't need to hack anything. The codes were the same as on our ship. Eligius had all the same.

Gaia asked him to open the Eureka file, which caught his attention. We could never have guessed or imagined what we discovered on this screen, the video diary of the doctor in charge from that time: Gabriel. Another man was there too. A girl was tied up on the operating table, struggling...then they injected a syringe into her and she died. They inserted what looked like a flame or ALIE's pills into her, only longer.

The girl woke up after a few minutes, in panic... they called her Josephine and she seemed to recognize the doctor and the other man her father. She then explained what made it possible for us to understand at the same time as she did: « l **Our memory drives. You reverse-engineered them to upload our entire minds. That's brilliant! You look like grandpa.** »

The other man then took her in his arms and addressed Gabriel: « **Congratulations, Dr. Santago. You've conquered death.** »

The doctor didn't seem so happy. He returned to the camera: « **The key is a fully developed brain. Once the adult host's consciousness is gone, the mind stored in the drive uploads with ease. Now, we still have loads of tests to run, but so far, Josie's consciousness, herself, appears to be whole. In other words, eureka. More soon.** » He turned off the camera as Jordan cried, realizing that Delilah was dead.

« **They're immortal.** » Murphy astonished.

« **They're murderers. They murdered Delilah.** » Jordan retaliated.

« **It's not murder if they go willingly.** » You said then that we were all looking at you with surprise...How could you say that?

« **Did that girl look willing to you?!** » Jordan shouted. Gaia took the floor again: « **That's how they made it better, easier, by manipulating people into believing they were sacrificing themselves to some false gods. 'Becoming one with the primes' like Delilah's mother said.** »

« **Well, so much for respecting their faith. I mean, no offense. We let a bunch of kids fight to the death to become your God.** » Murphy told her.

« **Murphy, that's enough. Clarke, you're okay with this?** » I asked you, offended that we are not on the same wavelength on such a serious subject.

« **Well, I didn't say that. I just don't think they pose a threat to us, that's all.** »

« **They pose a threat to you. You're a nightblood.** » I tried to make you understand as I walked towards you, realizing that your life was once again in danger. « **And based on what we just saw, I'm thinking that's the only reason they let us stay**. »

« **Madi...** » Gaia said then. « **I have to get her before they find out what she is.** »

« **I'll go with you.** » You tell her without even looking at me. You were so weird. Usually, in situations like this, we were always looking for each other's gaze, for each other's approval. But here you completely ignored me. Was it because of the doctor? No, it couldn't be, you had been with other people before, more important to you than him, and yet it hadn't altered our connection, our bond. We still supported each other, we still relied on each other...

I followed you: « **Bring her back to the tavern so we can decide what to do.** » But you didn't even turn around... We were so close yesterday and so distant today. When I said I had to move forward I didn't mean it that way. In fact, I didn't really mean it. I just couldn't do it.

I apologized to Jordan for not believing him and asked him to cover our tracks in the lab. Murphy then told me that he agreed with you, that he wanted to stay and live, that it wasn't our fight.

At night, we get together to explain to them what we discovered. You had this strange way of playing with your hair, you'd never done that before...but as strange as it was, all I thought then was that I wish I could have stroked your hair with my hands, the same way...your hair was always so soft...I was dying to bury my head in it.

You offered to stay.

Madi answered you then: « **Clarke, you realize staying says we're okay with what they're doing.** »

Murphy was on your side and explained: « **Yeah, and what's the alternative? Go back to space? Sleep for another hundred years on our way to a planet even less likely to support life?** »

« **Build our own compound.** » I announced.

« **We'll not last out there on our own.** » Murphy said.

« **Emori, Echo and Raven will be back in the morning. They'll know everything we need to build a radiation shield. After that, it's just hard work.** »

« **Over how many lifetimes? No, seriously, how many eclipses? How many swarms? How many terrorist attacks?** » Murphy continued, trying to get us to agree with him.

« **I agree with John. I don't like who they are either, but we need them to survive.** » You said ... Since when did you call Murphy by his first name?

Jordan got angry: « **They're murderers, raising people to give up their bodies, brainwashing them into believing they're gods.** »

« **He's right. It's a perversion of everything Bekka Pramheda believed. The flame was about passing wisdom on to the next line, not keeping it all to yourself.** » Gaia said.

« **Yeah, well, no offense, but Becca wasn't a god either. She was a scientist who made herself a nightblood in the lab the same way Abby did to Clarke.** » Murphy continued.

And Madi looked at you and reminded you of Monty's words: « **So much for doing better.** » You seemed in your thoughts...elsewhere, you were thinking and seemed astonished after Murphy's words about nightblood... I couldn't take my eyes off you... You were so strange. You weren't my Clarke... you had changed that night, and that wasn't a metaphor. The discovery of the lab came to my mind and a horrible thought came to me... What if you really weren't inside you anymore?

I wanted to talk to you, but Jordan stood up at that moment and I wanted to stop him from making a mistake.

Luckily, we managed to calm him down before they actually said something we couldn't explain.

By the time I caught up with him you were out on the sly... I won't let go, not this time. I ran after you as you regained your guard... « **Clarke?** »

You turned around: « **Everything okay?** »

« **Get rid of her. I need to talk to you alone. Now.** » I asked in Trig...

You made a funny face as if you didn't understand anything I was telling you and then you finally asked her to leave. I wondered what was going on in your head. Why did you seem so strange and especially why did you seem to understand nothing of our language... She didn't move so you asked me to come with you inside and you closed the door behind us, allowing us to be alone.

Your look at me had changed, it was...banal, disconnected, even in our worst moments you had never looked at me with such detachment; love, anger, sadness...but never with detachment. Your view of me had changed since your night with the doctor...Did you finally realize that you weren't able to wait for me, that you could move on, with someone else? If that was the case, I had to admit that I deserved it, but I would not accept it so easily, not this time. And something was telling me that the real one was much different, darker, sadder...

I had to choose the right words...find out what was wrong with you, whether I liked it or not. I just couldn't tell you that I didn't recognize you.

« **Where were you going?** »

« **To see my mother. What's wrong?** »

« **How are we on different sides of this?** » It's not as if it never happened, but we always found our way back to each other, always found a way to finally agree. And that was exactly what we needed at that moment.

« **I know how they survive seems harsh. But from what I've seen, these people are happy. Their world works. We destroyed ours.** »

How could you say that? How could you even think about it? After what we did at Mount Weather... How were those people different from those monsters? The land had been your world, your home, for over 6 years. You had lived there alone with Madi, I understood that you could still mourn this planet. But not to react to what these people were doing... You would never have done that. « **This isn't about us.** »

« **So we can judge them but not ourselves?** » You were aiming right but I also knew that you were judging yourself every day just like me...It was definitely not you. You never would have told me that.

« **You know I judge myself every day. I want to know the difference between us and them. _I've seen the faces of the people I've killed when I dream not in the mirror._** » I had finished my sentence in Trig and you didn't seem to understand anything about it, I was sure of it now...

« **I'm sorry. Can you repeat that last phrase? It sounds like Flashpa means flashback. So was it a dream?** » I looked at you, terrified. It wasn't you. This truth was jumping down my throat and squeezing my guts. The satisfied smile I saw on your face was not yours. What had they done to the love of my life, my soul mate? I pressed your body against the wall. « **Who are you?** »

You stuck a needle in my neck and I collapsed, paralyzed but conscious. You came up to me and told me how proud I was: « **Josephine Lightbourne. Nice to meet you.** »

I burned from the inside. My heart slowly consumed itself, making me feel every millisecond of unbearable pain... You were dead. I still had your body in front of me but it wasn't you inside, it wasn't the spirit, the soul, the heart that I cherished so much!

I knew it. I had realized this from the moment I saw you that very morning. All the signs were there. I had lost you. I was dying. I let myself go into unconsciousness, preferring it to the feeling I had once felt when I left you on that burning earth. The emptiness, the nothingness...I was reliving once again this insurmountable pain. I was reliving it with the awareness of the wasted time, of the potential that our relationship had, of the feelings you had for me... I was reliving it a thousand times worse. I was just a ghost. I didn't want anything, I just didn't feel anything anymore. Life would be so much easier if we could take our emotions out of our lives in a heartbeat... But it would probably be tasteless, and not worth living. I didn't want to give in to the pain but it was there and it wouldn't go away this time. I couldn't be rational, I needed you more than ever.

I was hoping that you, well, that this Josephine would kill me, because I had just died at the same time as you, and if not, then I would set her world on fire and blood to avenge you.


	71. TO LOSE SOMEONE YOU LOVE

I woke up in one of the rooms of the palace according to the luxurious, attached decoration. As soon as I woke up, the events of the day before came back to me and I had to face the sad reality: you no longer existed. I had been a coward again. I hadn't had the courage to take things into my own hands...and now it was too late. I knew your blood was a target. I should have protected you, watched over you. I regret so many things...There is nothing but regret and guilt on my path, I don't see a single glimmer on the horizon, only darkness.

All I had to do was cry...cry while waiting to die in my turn to finally find you...the pain was piercing my skin. There are no words strong enough to describe my suffering, anger, revolt...I feel like I've just had a part of me amputated again. Except that this time I have to face it...I was suffocating. I felt like I was drowning, dying, and resurrecting to drown again. It was a hellish cycle that never ended. I couldn't have lost you, not yet, not already. As the minutes went by, the darkest memories came over me. How could I ever appreciate life again after you were taken from me? How could I find the strength to go on? That abyss, that black hole in my chest, never closed again. Not this time. I lost you once, and only your last will and testament helped me keep the case...what to do this time? What to do when I imagined my future with you? The door opened... Murphy, tied up too.

« **Bellamy. Heh. Oh, you figured it out, too, huh?** »

I didn't have the strength to answer him, I didn't feel like it... I just nodded sadly.

He ran towards a piece of glass on the floor: « **I bet that I can make something to cut this strap.** »

I knew you two weren't especially on good terms. But in spite of all your arguments, you respected each other, you like each other in the end... Why wasn't he more touched than that?

« **Who else knows?** » I took the courage to ask.

« **Nobody yet. Just us.** »

He turned and tried to cut my tie. I watched him do it without any help, a spectator paralyzed by the pain... He continued: « **Tried to offer me a deal.** »

Seriously? « **What deal?** »

« **We agree not to retaliate, they help us build our compound.** »

There's no way I'm going to deal with them... « **And what did you say?** »

He looked at me as if to probe my thoughts, my reactions? « **What do you think I said? It's Clarke. She might not have been my favorite of late, she's still one of ours.** »

His answer relieved me, but rekindled my sorrow at the thought of your loss... Tears began to flow again... « **She cared about you, Murphy.** » He looked up and seemed touched by my remark... « **I know that it might not have always seemed like it, but she did. She cared about all of us, and she would never let us die here.** »

« **You saying we should take the deal?** » Apparently he hadn't gotten to the bottom of my thoughts!

« **No. No. You were right. We don't need them to help us build our own compound. We kill them all, and we take theirs.** » I said with determination. That would be the only thing that could still give me a minimum of satisfaction: revenge... And so much the worse if I had to die for it. I let my heart take over again, and it was in a thousand pieces, broken, trampled on. There was nothing left but hatred and suffering.

« **Where's Blodreina when you need her? »** Murphy simply replied, as if to make me feel more guilty or to imply that I was reacting like her. He got up and walked towards the door, seemed nervous...

I tried to get over my pain to talk to him.

« **Hey, save your energy. You're gonna need it.** »

« **Yeah? For what, another war? Is that really what Clarke would want?** »

« **I don't know what Clarke would want. It's too bad we can't ask her.** »I began to cry again...

« **We know she wanted to do better. Somehow I don't think risking all of our lives for revenge is a step in the right direction.** »

I was trying to think about what he had just told me... why did he want to do business with these monsters so badly? Murphy had always wanted to put survival above anything else...I looked at my ties and suddenly it came to me.

« **Why aren't you restrained like me?** »

« **I don't know. Maybe I seem less likely to rip their heads off.** »

I got up, angry, and understood: « **Why are you really here, Murphy?** »

« **You really want to know?** »

« **Yeah...** » I wasn't so sure, but directing my anger at him seemed like a good alternative for dealing with my suffering.

« **Fine. I'm here to convince you to take the deal. There. I said it.** »

« **Why am I not surprised? What did you see when you died, Murphy?** »

« **I'm trying to save my own ass? Yeah. I am, but I'm also saving yours, just like I did during the red sun.** »

I stepped back a little, I seriously considered hitting him... He continued: « **Bellamy, if we take this deal, we get everything we want. We get to live.** »

« **Not Clarke.** » I simply replied by letting more tears flow out of my eyes without being able to control them. « **We can't bring her back. We can make sure the rest of us survive, starting with you. If you don't take this deal, Josephine will kill you.** »

« **Then let her try.** »

« **Oh, so that's it, then? We start another war? We destroy another planet? Is that what you want? Is that what Monty would have wanted?** » It was too much... I grabbed it brutally not the collar...

« **Hey, listen to me. Monty would be ashamed of you.** » I said to him crying, throwing him violently backward to prevent me from hitting him.

« **Maybe he would be, or maybe he'd see that this is how we do better.** »

I really wanted to beat him this time, but the chains prevented me from doing so. So I turned around, I didn't want to see him anymore, I couldn't... I kept crying... « **Get out.** »

He knocked on the door and the guards opened it. He simply said to me before he left: « **Don't worry. I'll do my best to make sure they only kill you.** »

I blew, I didn't care... Let him save the others if they wanted him to. I didn't want to live in a world where you weren't... In a world where I would have to face your body every day, knowing that your soul wasn't inside... What is a body without all the beauty that really characterizes it? Only the mind matters, only the heart matters. And yours were irreplaceable for me. I would miss a part of me forever. I would stay there for the rest of the day... Thinking of you, only you... of all that I could have had, of all that I lost...

At nightfall, the doors opened and you appeared, at last, your body... It was definitely not you. I could tell by the way she looked at me, she didn't need to talk. She had come to kill me... So I was going to die by your hand? The worst death I could have had...

« **I don't want to fight, okay?** » You told me...

And then I realized that even after planning the hundreds of ways I could kill her, I couldn't do it. It was still your body after all. I couldn't hurt her. She reminded me so much of you, everything I'd lost... How is it possible to be in love like that?

« **Why are you here?** » I simply asked her, still holding back my tears.

« **Because we're both struggling to live with this, and I was hoping maybe we could help each other through it.** »

I looked down, I couldn't... It was unimaginable... You were there in front of me, but you weren't there anymore... I couldn't face her, I couldn't look at her...How could that be?

I cried again... I wished that she would end it as soon as possible.

Someone arrived and she seemed surprised: her father and Murphy. « **You went to my father?** » She asked Murphy, angry.

« **I take big swings.** »

She looked at her, almost in admiration... She was clearly attracted to Murphy … Damn it!It was the only thing left to do!

« **What are you doing?** » Russell asked her.

« **Saving us. He knows you killed Clarke, and, unlike the snake behind you, he will cry over spilled milk.** »

« **Enough!** » He ordered her, angry. « **What the hell's the matter with you? Have you become so callous to the feelings of others that you don't remember what it's like to lose someone you love?** » ... 2 days that we were there and he had already understood, so it was that obvious? he looked at me: « **I know you're in pain. I know you want revenge. I would, too. We had a chance to bring back our daughter, and we took it. We didn't consider the consequences.** »

« **For God's sake--** » Josephine was annoyed.

« **Be quiet.** »

« **Maybe you should just let the man speak.** » Murphy teased her.

« **Shut up, Murphy.** » She and I answered him in unison, as we would have done if it was really you. He then walked towards me: « **I think you should hear him out. I think we can trust him.** »

« **Do you now?** » I provoked him.

« **You can. Look.** » Russell intervened. « **I can't bring your friend back, but I can guarantee safety for the rest of your people. We'll share everything we've learned about surviving on this moon.** »

I heard movement outside... « **Why did our ship just take off?** » I asked.

« **Abby's showing them how to make Nightblood.** » This traitor of Murphy explained to me.

« **I take it she doesn't know that her daughter is dead.** »

He lowered his eyes. Of course, she didn't know. Your own mother didn't realize it wasn't you anymore. Was I the only one who really cared that much about you? Knowing you so well? Focusing my attention on you.

I turned to Russell: « **You're gonna have to kill her, too. You think my need for revenge is strong? There's only one way this ends.** »

« **Bellamy, stop, alright? You don't want them to kill all of us. Just think.** » Murphy implored me. But I didn't care... You were dead... nothing mattered to me anymore. Josephine rushed towards me, but instead of killing me, she untied me. I didn't think about it and ran straight to her father to strangle him. At that moment, I just thought of avenging you, letting my rage speak, letting my heart speak. The old Bellamy had returned, the one who puts his heart before his head.

Murphy tried to stop me, but not her.

« **I'm sorry, daddy. Violence is all they know. If killing him is what you need, then do it, but let the violence end here...an eye for an eye.** » Seriously? She was really going to let me kill her father?

You would never have let me do that. I had to. You would have stopped me with all your power... knowing it would have plunged me into darkness and I wouldn't be able to come back up. And it wouldn't have brought you back. It would have resurrected him by taking another person's life.

I let him go... Not for her and not for them. But for you.

« **Big swings** » She gave 2 memory chips to Murphy... So that's why he accepted the deal... immortality!

They let us go back to the bar and we announced the news to everyone.

Echo arrived later, she must have seen our sad faces, especially mine. She took me in her arms. But I didn't need it, I didn't want it... I politely accepted her embrace without lingering. Then she looked at me and all I could see in her now was the waste of time that had kept me from being near you earlier, that might have saved you that night.

« **So when do we attack?** » She asked me. Having surely understood how much I was hurt.

« **We don't.** » I turned to the others and announced without much conviction: « **We do what Clarke would have done. We survive.** » Surviving...that was the word...because I will never live again.

The upstairs door opened. Madi...oh my God. You were her whole world to this little one. I suddenly realized that with maybe your mother, she would be the only person who would understand the intensity of my grief...she was an orphan now and I had promised to look after her. I would.

She came downstairs and looked at all of us without understanding our condition ...

It had to be me...I think I was the only one who understood how she felt. She and I both felt the same lack... But how could I take care of her, reassure her, if I wasn't able to heal my wounds myself? « **Madi.** » I said tenderly, on the verge of tears, as she approached me. I reached out my hand and crouched down to be at her height. « **Hey... I have something to tell you.** » She had to understand at that moment...

I can't remember the exact words...emotion took over. In her eyes, I found my pain, my suffering, my world that was collapsing. Then she threw herself into my arms and took me by the neck...letting go her tears as I let go of mine, mixing our common sorrow. I hugged her in my arms as I would have hugged you. This little one trusted me, I had to be strong for her. But not tonight, no, it was too early to be strong. It would probably always be too soon.

I had made the right decision in the end: for her, for your daughter. She had to survive and I had to honor my promise to protect her, for you. I told myself that love makes us good. It doesn't matter who we love, whether that love is shared or whether the relationship is formal or informal. The experience of love is enough, it transforms us. You transformed me, you made me better. I had to hold on to it, not for me, no, but for Madi, for Jordan... I didn't sleep that night... I wasn't even going to sleep, I couldn't share my bed with Echo. I sat on the bench in front of the lake. Looking up at the sky... looking for you somewhere in the universe... I cried all night until my body was completely dry...and even without tears, I felt like I was still crying...they say you can't cry and think, because every thought absorbs a tear... I can tell you that this is not true. It was our whole eternity that was pouring into my tears... How many would it take to soothe me? I cried again and again and it didn't change anything... I'd been through this before...and yet this time it was even harder. I lost you to find you...to lose you again! What had I done that was so horrible that I deserved such intense grief. Was the universe playing me that much? Did I deserve it?

It didn't matter... I was finished, ruined, dead inside, for good. I would survive for Madi, that's all. That night I could cry, I could cry for you... Tomorrow I'll have to be strong, tomorrow I'll have to lead by example again... and that exhausted me so much. Life was exhausting me, I didn't know how to find the strength to go on without you.


	72. YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT CLARKE

The next day, I took Miller with me to go see Russell, we had to build the damn shield as soon as possible to get out of here. I couldn't stand living surrounded by these people anymore...this empty body of you. I had to get away as fast as I could.

« **In exchange for ignoring that you murdered Clarke... You build us a compound.** ». She entered the room at that moment and I could only lower my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at her...

« **What about the mother and child? Will they agree?** » He answered me.

« **I'll handle our people. How long will it take to build?** »

She drew attention to herself before Russell could answer me: « **Just a moment, sweetheart.** »

I looked down, but my eyes still instinctively went towards you, towards her...towards your arm to be exact, and your finger, which was tapping on it....

I was looking more intensely... Morse code! Russell was talking to me, but I wasn't listening anymore...

I took note of her gestures in a notebook... And when I manage to decipher the message... Oh my God... The hope...That little spark of life that was coming back to me...

I then raised my eyes towards her... Shaking. Maybe finally... Yes, I shouldn't give up so quickly, not for you! We didn't know much about this technology after all!

« **Bellamy?** » Russell got me out of my head. « **Are we agreed?** »

« **Yeah, We're good for now.** »

« **I'll order construction to begin.** »

I didn't answer and signaled Miller to follow me. Once alone with Miller, I explained to him... « **Hey, remember when Pike taught us Morse code?** »

« **I slept through most of Earth skills, so...** »

« **OK. Josephine was tapping out Morse code on her arm.** »

I showed him my notes and put the letters next to the code: ALIVE

« **What does it mean?** »

« **It means Clarke's alive, and we're gonna get her back.** » I said to him with a huge smile full of hope! I will do everything to bring you back! EVERYTHING. In the end, life was perhaps still going to be lived! I won't give up. I won't give up on you. And if I have to burn Sanctum to the ground for this then so be it!

I quickly got everyone together at the bar so that we could talk about it as discreetly as possible and find a way to get you back as soon as possible by getting this Josephine out of your body. Everyone except Murphy and Emori, whom I didn't trust anymore. Raven was in the best position to find the solution, but she was with Abby on the mother ship. Madi seemed stressed, very anxious.

« **Hey, we're gonna get her back.** » I reassured her as much for her as for me. She nodded.

I continued to outline my plan: « **When the transport ship lands, we'll be waiting in the field with Josephine. Once we're all back on the mothership, Abby, Raven, and Jackson will go to work.** »

« **What if they don't open the shield and let us out?** » Miller asked.

« **If they don't, Josephine dies.** »

« **That's why they will.** » I admit, even if it wasn't an option. « **What about Delilah?** » Jordan asked. « **If Clarke's still alive, then she could be, too.** » Then he added by looking at me, understanding that it was not in my priorities ... « **You only care about Clarke** »

He wasn't wrong...I couldn't help but glance at Echo to see her reaction...she was looking at Jordan, I know she was thinking the same thing...

« **That's not true,** » I lied. « B **ut worry about Clarke for now.** **We start asking questions and the primes figure out…** »

Madi cut me: « **Once we kill the Primes, we take over Sanctum.** »

I looked at her, taken aback... It didn't look like her. I was well aware of the need for revenge and the anger she could feel. I know all too well the emptiness of losing you... But Madi was wise, she had the flame inside her. She couldn't possibly think like that... She explained it to me again when she saw my worried look: « **We save Clarke here in the lab that was built for it.** »

I understood then: « **Is that your idea or Sheidheda's?** »

« **Who cares if it works?** » She answered me. « **I've been surveilling the one named Miranda. We kill her and let them find the body. They'll think it's the Children of Gabriel and panic, locking themselves inside the palace, probably the Great Hall, and that's where we'll be waiting to take out the rest.** »

His plan was well thought out, I admit... I hesitated for a moment. It could work faster. But that wasn't the way we'd do it better...

Jordan intervened: « **We're not killing Delilah.** »

« **Delilah's already dead.** »

« **We don't know that for sure.** »

« **You're right, but what we do know is, I'm the Commander. Echo thinks it's a good plan, don't you, spy?** » She said, staring at her.

Echo smiled: « **A little aggressive for the situation, but it could work if we were willing to kill all of their people along with them when they come after us for killing their gods.** »

Madi breathed and then seemed to see something: « **We are.** »

« **No, we're not.** » I contracted it. I promised to protect her, that's what I was trying to do by protecting her from herself. « **Gaia would tell you the same thing if she were here. We have until the ship lands to come up with a quiet way to get Clarke on it.** »

« **What about Murphy and Emori?** » Jackson questioned.

« **For now, we tell them nothing. Emori, too?** »

« **Emori too?** » Echo asked me, surprised.

« **We have to assume that she's with him. Don't worry. When it's time to go, we're taking them with us, even if we have to do it by force.** »

A few dozen minutes later, Emori came to ask me for one of the ship's electric necklaces. She seemed strange, and even more so when she met Echo's gaze. It was as if she regretted something, as if she was wondering. As if she hesitated while watching Echo... She explained to me that the collar would be used as a shield, but ... I don't know.

She was about to leave when she changed her mind...reminding me. « **Bellamy Clarke's alive. You already knew. Why didn't you tell me? Oh, because I'm with John.** » She understood by herself. « **Never mind. What are you doing about it? You think you have time? Bellamy, they're wiping her today. That's what this is for.** »

I left directly towards the others, Emori on my steps.

« **I take it it's go time.** » Echo asked me.

« **We need a plan to get Clarke now, something other than killing them. Where the hell's Madi?** » It was probably too late. Madi already had her plan in mind and didn't care about getting our permission. She had taken advantage of my conversation with Emori to sneak away...

So I realized in Echo's eyes why Emori looked so strange just before, looking at her... She hesitated to tell me about Clarke...and she had hesitated because of Echo, it made sense actually. Luckily she was more loyal to me.

So we split into 2 groups, one would take care of Josephine, the other of Madi. I couldn't leave her here to do anything, but there was an emergency concerning you.

Emori lured Josephine to the edge of the shield by stealing the necklace she wanted so much. As expected, she soon joined her on her motorcycle... with Murphy.

Murphy tried to rally Emori to his cause... He was quick to deconstruct when Echo and I showed up and he realized that they had fallen into a trap...and also that I wouldn't forgive him so quickly for trying to really kill you.

While he was still in shock...it was Josephine who spoke: « **Oh, perfect. You know, I admire you guys. I really do. If the other Primes had half your balls, we'd be swimming in hosts, and none of this would be necessary, but unfortunately, it is, so I'm gonna give you the facts because I really don't think you thought this through. Yes, Clarke's alive, but the brain we now share is dying, so unless one of you is a neurosurgeon, this body will die in hours, not days. My mind'll be backed up, and hers won't.** »

Echo replied: « **Actually, our neurosurgeon's on his way.** »

She was taken aback...Murphy explained: « **Jackson.** »

She was scared, but she tried not to make anything seem like nothing. « **Sure. Let's say that he figures it out. He won't, but, just for fun, where you gonna operate, here in a joberry field?** »

I, in my turn, took the floor to silence her and take away her superior air...which wasn't like you: « **Actually, we're thinking about using one of the 14 research outposts marked on the map your father gave us.** »

She blew, but tried again... « **Well, it's too bad you can't get past the radiation shield.** »

« **Oh, that's where the EMP comes in.** » I continued. Emori moved towards the shield... Murphy tried to hold her back, but Josephine grabbed him, put a knife to his throat, apologized, and asked Emori to step away from the shield.

Emori put the EMP on the floor as Josephine asked her to.

I told her: « **You think we care about that traitor?** »

Emori looked at me surprised...

Josephine answered me: « **Uh, Lord knows you shouldn't, but, yeah, I do, which brings us to yet another episode of "no good choices". Clarke would love this. Either you let Murphy die in a doomed attempt to save her, starting a war with my father or we stay friends and live happily ever after. Take a minute to think it over.** »

We all looked at each other, but my decision was already made... You. If there was the slightest chance of saving you, I would take it. You were my priority. The alarm suddenly sounded.

« **That can't be good for you. Stand down now, and this never happened.** » She ordered one last time.

« **We can't do this without Jackson.** » Echo blew away, giving up a little too quickly.

That's when Murphy changed his mind... He probably knew that it was better for him to be on our side, which I would never give up. And I think he also didn't want Emori to see him as a traitor if he had to die.

« **You don't need him. Find Gabriel. He was one of them, but then he bailed. Ryker helped him escape.** »

Josephine tried to counter it, but to her mind, I understood that the idea of Murphy frightened her: « **Gabriel left 70 years ago. He'd be 106 by now, also known as dead.** »

« **Why do you look so concerned?** » Echo asked her, having noticed the same thing as me.

We could hear the guards' motorcycles arriving while Josephine looked at her without answering.

Echo ordered Emori to prepare the EMP to deactivate the shield.

Josephine slashed Murphy's leg to try to distract him... « **So much for forever.** » Echo took charge of fighting Josephine so that I could control her, Emori rushed to Murphy, but explained how to turn off the shield. Echo took care of it.

« **You take Clarke. I'll stay and keep the others safe. When the ship gets back, we'll find you.** »

« **This is a really stupid plan, you know.** »Joséphine told me, out of breath. « **If you do this, the Children of Gabriel will kill us both, and my father will kill the rest of you. Is that what you want?** » She said, looking me straight in the eyes... She didn't realize that this was exactly the wrong thing to do. As I looked into yours, in fact into hers... I realized that yes, that's what I wanted, if it meant finding you, finding your spirit, your soul. I won't live without you. I didn't have to answer him...

Echo deactivated the shield and I rushed out with you. Josephine was struggling, but I pulled with all my strength to get her to follow me. I didn't want to hit your body, I couldn't hurt you even though I knew it wasn't you. At the edge of the forest, I turned back towards Echo: « **Stay safe.** »

« **Save Clarke.** » She answered simply, knowing that this was my only mission, the only one that really mattered to me. And I ran towards the forest, grabbing you.

I suddenly realized how loyal Echo was to me... I don't know if it was love she really felt, but she was loyal to me. I couldn't say otherwise. She knew, she knew how much you meant to me, that she could never replace you and that I loved you more than it was humanly possible to love someone... She knew it, yes, I was sure of it...and yet, not only did she not stand in my way, but she helped me save you, bring you back... Even if it probably meant that I would get further and further away from her... Even if it meant that our relationship would end soon. I admire her for that.


	73. I WON'T LET YOU DIE

So we walked through the forest, straight ahead. I was sure that the children of Gabriel would find us eventually. Night fell pretty quickly...or was I just not aware of time anymore...every minute I lost was one more minute where I risked losing you forever, and I couldn't go through that again.

« **Stop fighting.** »

« **Don't you get it, you’re killing all 3 of us. Not to mention the rest of your friends when my father finds out. Is Clarke really worth all of that?** » She said to me as the night had just fallen.

Of course, you were worth it. It wasn't a question to ask me. I was well aware that I was putting everyone's life in danger, Madi's life, my friends' lives, my family's lives ... But you were worth it, it was a fact, you were worth all the pain in the world, because all these pains added up were nothing compared to living in a world where you were no longer. Losing you a second time made me realize once again that I couldn't imagine a future without you.

You stumbled one more time and started to convulse... I panicked. I ran towards her and held her head up as if it was you inside your body... I couldn't bear to see you suffer so much and I was afraid it was too late... Eventually, she calmed down, but her nose was bleeding, I was petrified. I wiped the blood from her nose with the same delicacy that I would have done for you... She was afraid, I could feel it. And that didn't reassure me.

« **It's getting worse. You have to take me home.** » She pointed out to me, begging me.

« **If I take you home, you’ll use an EMP and kill Clarke. I told you I won't let that happen.** » In both cases, you would die. The only chance I had to find you was to keep going.

« **The children of Gabriel won't help you. When they find out who I am, they won't just destroy my mind drive, they'll cut off my head and you'll have nothing.** » I knew she was probably right, but it was worth a try, and looking into your eyes without the spark that I usually found there confirmed it to me...so I slashed my finger and put some of my blood on her forehead so they wouldn't find out about the nightblood.

« **Well, let's make sure they don't find out.** »

I saw on her face that she was seriously starting to lose hope, but she still tried to call me to my senses: « **Look, I don't know what they taught you on that hunk of metal you grew up in, but where I'm from, when someone tells you you're in danger, you listen.** » She just didn't realize yet that you were my mind...and that she had taken it away from me.... All I had left was my heart.

« **Yeah, we do that, too, unless the people we care about are in trouble, then we do what has to be done. Now, come on. Let's go.** » I lifted her up.

« **The people you care about are in trouble. I guess you just care about her more.** » Finally, she understood... But she was in your head, she saw your memories, right? Hadn't you understood yourself that you were one of the two people for whom I was ready to risk everything, even maybe the only one actually?

« Quiet! » I simply replied, I didn't want to get into that kind of conversation, not with her, not there.

At that moment, the children of Gabriel found us. I asked them to see Gabriel in exchange for information, but they didn't want to know anything... They gagged us, tied us up and put bags over our heads to take us away. It was a bad start, but maybe there was still hope, after all, at least we are getting closer to my goal.

They took the bags off us once we were in a cave. I tried to tell them again that I had information for Gabriel, but they ignored me and Josephine kept provoking them. She was getting on their nerves, she was good at it. So I let go: « **Just wait. They can make hosts. As many as they want.** » They didn't believe me at first, but one of them wanted to know more...

« **Details, or your rude friend dies.** »

« **I don't think so. Touch her, I'll tell you nothing.** »

« **Something tells me we could make you talk.** »

« **Maybe, but by then, the 12 Primes could be back. Gabriel gets the details. No one else.** »

« **There were 13.** »

" **Chain them up. If the old man doesn't respond, you die like him.** »

They went out and left us alone in the cave...I heard radio noises. They were trying to reach him. Maybe my plan was going to work after all. Maybe I was right to put everything on this plan...

« **Radios don't work on this moon.** » Josephine explained to me. I still couldn't bear to look at her... to look at you, but you were no longer my 'you'.

« **How could they not know that?** »

« **They work in one place.** » She seemed strange all of a sudden... put her head against the rock, looking nostalgic, it wasn't like her... and it definitely wasn't like you, you were never that dramatic, you knew how to be patient, how to contain your emotions... I knew it all too well.

« **What is it?** »

« **If they're calling him, that means he's alive.** » She said it as if she hoped it would be... He meant a lot to her, it was obvious. She had never shown that she had feelings, not even towards her father... that was different. With this intonation in her voice, this sudden emotion, she suddenly sounded like you.

« **What's the deal with you two?** »

She turned to me and smiled... « **What? Are we gonna be friends now?** »

« **Doubtful…** » I replied with disgust, which seemed to disappoint her.

She turned her head and finally explained to me: « **I've been in love with Gabriel for 236 years, the last 70 of which he’s been trying to kill me.You know, relationships.** » I nodded ... She looked into my eyes. I understood that he might want to kill her...she was so annoying! But to be in love with someone for 236 years...wow, maybe we weren't that different...it's been 133 years since I fell for you and I knew I could live for centuries and centuries without my love crumbling.

Then I noticed her finger was moving... Morse code again. She looked back and understood as well... « **Morse code, huh? She's crafty, I'll give her that.B-o-o...H-o-o.** » She laughed slightly. « **That's harsh** » You were laughing at her ... you were about to die, but you were taking the time to laugh... I didn't dare to imagine what was going on between the two of you in your mind. I was hoping that you wouldn't let it happen and that you would fight like a lioness.

Then I had a revelation... you had just reacted to what she had said... I was trying to contain the hope in my voice by asking: « **She can hear us?** »

« **It would seem so. Which means the wall separating our minds is almost gone.** » I looked at her, I looked at her now as if she was really you, as if you could feel my reassuring gaze. « **When that happens, she'll stroke out, I'll download, and you can say good-bye to your genocidal friend.** »

I didn't think about it, but I commanded her: « **Let me talk to her.** » I knew I would save you... I didn't know how or when, but I would bring you back, and for the moment the most important thing was that you could hear me.

« **I'd have to give over control for that, so no.** »

« **But she can hear me?** »

« **Yes, she can hear you.** »

My heart suddenly got excited at the thought that I had a chance, perhaps the last chance, to tell you what was in my heart. How can I tell you in a few words, having this usurper with us, that the idea of your death had also killed me from the inside, that I didn't see my life without you, that I loved you unconditionally and without judgment? How can I convey to you these feelings that have been suppressed for too long?

She turned to me and looked exasperated...you were there, but it wasn't you... No, definitely not.

« **For God's sake, just say what you want to say.** » I was going to say it, really... I had to...I looked into yours...but it really wasn't you! I couldn't throw it away like that, in those conditions, after waiting and waiting for so many years...no, I will have another opportunity, a better one! I was convinced of that. I had one more reason to fight to save you. And I didn't want Josephine and her sadistic humor to ruin this wonderful moment that I had been waiting for so many years. So I took the pressure off and simply said to you... with all the required conviction: « **I won't let you die.** » She seemed astonished, disappointed... Did she understand what I really meant, but was she surprised that I finally changed my mind...or was she disappointed to realize that she wouldn't win this time?

We say nothing more...it wasn't necessary...

I sit and wait and hope they are fast enough to keep your brain going.

Minutes went by and I was losing patience...the more time went by, the more I risked losing you and I won't accept it.

I started trying to pull the chains, but it didn't work...

Josephine looked at me...with what seemed to me to be admiration...she smiled, amused...it disturbed me.

I turned around: « **What?** »

« **My father was a fool for letting you people stay. All that time spent building a sanctuary for the human race, and he destroys it because of the most human thing of all...love.** » she explained with a glance at me. No doubt she had understood. I turned my head. Had you also understood? Had you understood that you were my other half? The other part of my soul, the energy that I lacked, my part of the puzzle that made me complete?

So she continued: « **I mean, who can blame him? I am awesome. It's just… Well, one look at you. You should have known how this would end. Guess I'm just saying all this because I know so much about you now.** »

« **Hmm, you do, huh?** » ...I finally answer her.

« **Mmmm….Take you and Clarke, for instance.** » She stood up to better face me and smiled at me with her superior air ... she provoked me ... « **Now that's a weird relationship, isn't it?** » I always looked at her, wondering where she was going, if she was going to end up revealing what we both knew, but which we had never put words to, or if she was going to respect this tacitly preserved secret? « **First you want to kill her to save your own ass,** » I looked away and raised my eyes to the sky... Misinterpretation! I never wanted to kill you! Never really in any case! « **even though it means the genocide of your own people on the Ark, and then you become besties, bonding over the actual genocide at Mount Weather.** »She seemed to lower a lever as we had done that night, that day when I didn't want you to take this responsibility alone...when I had supported you in that awful choice... « **Together** » She imitated ironically. « **Together. You lock her up, she locks you up, you leave her on Earth, she leaves you to die in the fighting pits. I mean, it's exhausting, frankly.** »

« **Tell me about it.** » I let it slip away. We had lost so much time, made so many mistakes that kept us away from each other...but in the end, we always found each other! We always found each other. Stronger and stronger, more and more connected... We always forgave each other...

Josephine was demonstrating what everyone had surely noticed... She had been in your head for 2 days and already knew everything about us, everything about me... Suddenly, she annoyed me a little less, I even found myself feeling compassion for her.

« **You're wrong about how this ends, by the way. First, we get back into your mind drive, and then I'll use it for a peace deal with your father.** » It was possible. Maybe she didn't have to die.

« **Your belief in yourself is cute.** » From her charming smile, I could have thought she was flirting with me if we weren't trying to kill each other... She knew that I was not insensitive to your charm and she was playing on it...but you never needed all that.

« **But unfortunately, putting aside about a thousand variables, chief among them Clarke’s newfound evangelical, do better-ism, making it impossible for her to accept a peace deal with those awful body snatchers, all 3 of us are gonna die in this cave.** »

« **Yeah, OK. We'll see.** » I wasn't giving up anything. « **OK, now your confidence is just pissing me off.** » She raised her eyes to the sky.

The children of Gabriel came back. I got up ...

« **Gag the prisoners.** » The first one instructed.

We soon heard the motorcycles of the Sanctum guards. They wanted to catch you, but « **Get away from me.** » Then they struck you and discovered your nightblood. Josephine wasn't exactly smart.

I wasn't so peaceful anymore.

« **Leave her alone!** » I shouted.

They brought you to your knees and uncovered your implant in the back of your neck. « **She's a Prime. Unchain her.** » They were going to chop her/your head off.

« **Don't do this, please.** » I implored. « **The drive in her head, it's Josephine.** »

« **Not helping!** » She shouted.

I tried anyway: « **Not helping. Think! As long as she's alive, you have leverage over Russell.** »

« **This is not a negotiation, it's a war. The answer is death to Primes.** »

« **Wait!** » she shouted. But the voice was different, the tone was different... It was you. The tears in my eyes confirmed it to me, I knew it deep down inside... « **Gabriel loves her. Is this what he would want?** » It was definitely you.

« **Don't use his name!** » He yelled, raising the axe to bring you down. But you took the opportunity to kick him and struggle. You knocked him down on the stone and slit the throats of the other two. I looked at you smiling, amazed, and proud ...( yes I know, you had just slaughtered 3 people with your bare hands, but I was so happy that it was really you, so moved ...).

« **Clarke...** » I couldn't help but smile.

« **Yeah...** » You looked for the keys to the handcuffs on the man on the ground.

« **She gave you control?** »

« **It was either that or get her head cut off.** » You came running towards me to untie me... The other guards had heard, perhaps even the Sanctum guards...

We didn't have time for the reunion.

« **We don't have time. You've got to run.** »I commanded you by holding your wrist.

« **No, I'm not leaving you.** » Did you answered me by staring me in the eyes...

« **Go find Gabriel. Go! Now!** » I begged you as you left me the keys to the handcuffs. I'll be fine. I had a reason to fight, the most beautiful motivation.

You ran to the other side of the cave. The guards ran after you, totally ignoring me, giving me time to escape and enjoy the fact that you were there ... for the moment. Even though it was far from over...I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I had a chance, I will take it... You were alive, in your body... I felt like I was alive again for good. I won't let go. I will go all the way, I was so close to the goal.


	74. I'M NOT LETTING YOU GO

I came out of the cave and attacked one of the Sanctum guards who was in retreat. I quickly changed my clothes for his and took his helmet. It was the best cover I could get and I knew they would be on your trail. I had a feeling of déjà vu: me putting on Azgeda's clothes to come to your rescue... It was hundreds of years ago, but it didn't seem so far away.

I found you... well, I found her again. Given that she called for help while she was with my sister...my sister? What was she doing there…anyway, I didn't have time to dwell on it. So my sister was accompanying you, had apparently found you in a cave when you had lost consciousness. She was with one of Gabriel's children who seemed much more intelligent than the others.

The chief of the guards ordered the weapons to be pointed at Octavia and the man. Octavia put down her weapon without fighting back...getting stranger and stranger. She looked different... The man explained:

« **Look. Listen to me. She needs medical attention. If I don't operate soon, she'll die.** »

Indeed you seemed to be in really bad condition. « **OK. Enough talk. Kill the girl, take Gabriel prisoner, and get me home.** » You ordered. Gabriel...so that explains why he wanted to treat you as soon as possible.

They were going to shoot Octavia, but I shot first and took off my helmet. I had shot the three guards, only the one holding Josephine whom I was aiming at was left. She put her weapon on the ground, understanding that I would not hesitate for a single second to shoot.

« **Bellamy...** » Octavia seemed relieved, happy, and ran towards me to embrace me...

« **Because of course it is.** » Joséphine said, meaning that it could only be me.

Octavia was crying on my neck... I patted her back in a friendly way, I couldn't do more. I had left her so angry only a few days before...and I had to concentrate on you.

She broke away, disappointed in my coldness.

« **Take her.** » I asked Gabriel.

He took you in his arms: « **Wait. No. I can't feel my legs.** » Josephine panicked.

« **Yeah. We have to hurry. Come on.** » He carried you and started running.

« **Right behind you.** » Octavia stayed close to me and I threatened the guard: « **Go back to Sanctum. You tell Russell if he hurts any of my people he'll never see his daughter again. Go!** »

She seemed to hesitate, but finally left.

Once alone, Octavia tried once again to get closer to me, but I ignored her and moved forward to join Gabriel... My only concern was to save you, and time was against us.

We arrived in Gabriel's tent, he set it up on an operating table and connected a multitude of devices to monitor your vitals. He was able to identify the 2 different brain waves...yours and his. You were still there. Josephine was shaking more and more.

I couldn't help but stand next to her, next to you. Gabriel seemed disturbed to be in her presence... He still loved her. He didn't approve of what she was doing, but he loved her, it was obvious. I understood him so much. I immediately felt strangely familiar with him.

« **You mind telling me how Clarke's consciousness survived?** » He asked.

Josephine replied weakly: « **There's a neural mesh in her head. Her mind latched onto it during the procedure. It's pretty cool, huh?** » She smiled and trembled. Gabriel smiled back at her. Their closeness, their look, it made me uncomfortable...it was still your body! I still couldn't bear to see you looking at someone else like that...even if it wasn't really yours. And I was especially hoping that she wouldn't be able to change Gabriel's mind. « **What can we do?** » I asked him to end their connection...

« **Once I remove her drive, I'll need you to quickly bandage the wound before I restart her heart.** »

« **You're stopping her heart?** » My sister seemed to be worried.

« **Death causes her mind to back up onto the drive. I take it out, start her heart.** »

I still set my eyes on your body, which was at the end of its rope... « **We get Clarke back?** » I said full of hope.

Josephine turned to me and smiled... « **She was right to depend on you.** »

I looked away... You counted on me ...You knew I was the one who wouldn't abandon you.

« **Believe it or not, we're actually friends.** » She laughed.

« **We'll see about that if you ever meet in the real world.** »

She blew.

« **Real world?** » Gabriel was surprised.

« **Yeah. After I use her mind drive to bargain for peace.** »

He didn't answer...

Octavia asked him: « **What's wrong?** »

« **He knows that means I'll be resurrected again, and he's not sure if he can let them take another innocent life.** » Josephine explained...

Octavia and I were looking at him, waiting for an answer. But instead. He approached her without saying a word, took her wrist and prepared to prick her...

She continued then: « **Aye, there's the rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come?** »

She looked at him lovingly... I was really afraid that he would change his mind. I knew that look well enough, and when he looked at me, I didn't answer for anything...If I were him, I could never have sacrificed you...I looked up to the sky and felt my sister was as embarrassed as I was. Josephine continued. « **But I guess what was OK for you, huh, old man?** »

« **No. It wasn't.** » He answered her with emotion...

She raised her head a little to talk to him more intensely: « **You know that there's another way. If you let me keep this body, nobody else has to die.** »

That's enough now... We were wasting time and above all, she was in danger of making him change his mind: « **OK. No more talking. Do it.** » I said to him.

Josephine didn't stop anyway: « **I know that I've done bad things. I don't remember them all, but I do know that you hate me for it.** »

He moved his head tenderly: « **I could never hate you.** » She seemed soothed: « **I know it. We can still be together, my love.** » She grabbed his arm... « **We can take out the drives just like you wanted.** » Octavia and I looked away, annoyed, worried that she would get her way... « **We can grow old together.** »

Gabriel was crying...he finally told him: « **I... I've loved you for centuries.** »She laughed and looked at him full of hope... My heart froze, I was tetanized at the idea that he would change his mind ... but also, I understood them, I understood him... They weren't so different from us, except that they had been lucky enough to live their love for several years... I envied him for being able to tell you all this...right in her eyes...even if it wasn't really you. I envied him...

As if he had read my thoughts, as if he had understood without even knowing me or looking at me. He continued to pay attention to me: « **We had our time. I have to let you go now.** »And he pricked her. « **Death is life** » He whispered to her as she died.

He removed the chip and asked me to dress the wound. I did this gently, with the help of my sister. I couldn't bear to see your lifeless, inert body for one more minute.

« **We need to restart her heart.** » He explained by giving you a shot of adrenaline in your heart.

The monitors weren't moving, your heart wasn't beating. Something was wrong.

« **Why isn't she waking up?** » I asked him in panic. He looked at the monitor who was watching the neuronal activities: there were always 2 active lines...

But your heart wasn't beating anymore...

Gabriel tried to explain to me, but the words were resonating in my brain without me really being able to recognize them... « **I'm sorry, but her brain can no longer support two minds.** » I was petrified, terrorized, intense nausea began to rise... tears filled my eyes and scrambled my brain, like an empty shell without envy or meaning. Not yet no, not after all this ...

It was Octavia who spoke for me and asked: « **What are you talking about? Do something.** » Gabriel didn't move... She glanced at the monitor with the 2 active lines: « **They're both still in there.** » She understood. I heard these words, but I was lost in my grief.

I kept looking at your inert body... I was contemplating what I was in danger of losing again, for good... I won't bear it, not a third time. This time I won't survive it.

Gabriel explained: « **Latent neural activity continues for a short time after death, but once the head stops telling the heart to beat, it's over** »

I looked up at him, trying to understand the words he had just said... head and heart... that's all I had understood, and it was enough to get me out of my trance-like state. The head was nothing without the heart and vice-versa. I was nothing without you and at that moment you were nothing without me. I had to bring you back. It was possible. It was my turn to become your head, to reanimate your heart. And if I had to take mine and give it to you, I would do it without hesitation.I'd rather live through you than live in a universe where you weren't. I would end up dying of grief.

I looked at your sweet face, your features so perfect, my heart was overflowing with love and fear. I won't give up. Together, nothing is impossible.

« **The heart and the head.** » I whispered aloud as I felt my sister's questioning gaze... « **The heart and the head.** » I was clinging to this mantra as I put my hands in the middle of your chest to try to bring you back...I started the CPR, pressing both hands rhythmically against your motionless body, putting all my will, all my strength, all that was left of me into it.

Gabriel and Octavia said nothing... He looked at me pressing on your heart with all the willpower it is possible to have. I was looking at you at the same time...you weren't moving...

« **Bell..**. » ..Octavia was trying to rationalize me... I knew that voice, that intonation. It was the same one I had used to teach Madi that you were no longer of this world. I didn't want to hear it. She didn't understand, I won't abandon you.

I kept pressing on your heart and crying... « **No. I'm not losing her again. Come on, Clarke. Come on!** »

I tried to share my breath with you in a Mouth-to-Mouth ... I would have preferred my lips to touch them in other circumstances. I cried more and more. You didn't move. It wasn't working. I was losing you and I was blaming myself for not being able to do it. I had to bring you back. That's what I was made for... I was born for this. That's what we were made for: to protect each other, to save each other, sometimes even from ourselves.

I couldn't control the flood of tears I was shedding... I pressed on your heart with all my strength, every pressure that didn't work broke my heart into a thousand pieces...I was talking to you, not sure if you could hear me, but it didn't matter... « **Clarke, Clarke, I need you. Madi needs you. Now wake up!** »

Octavia also seemed touched at the sound of her voice... I didn't turn around to look at her, but I could feel it. I don't know if it was the thought of your death that made her like that or rather the fact of seeing me in such a state. She had never had the chance...and she knew from the beginning that my heart belonged to you from the moment I set foot on Earth. « **Bellamy... she's gone.** »

I finally turned around violently and yelled at her, still crying: « **No, she's not!** »

She had to understand that I won't give up on you... If I gave up now, I might as well kill myself right now. I won't live without you. What would I be without my half, the best part of me? What happens to a king when he loses his queen? What is a soldier worth without his weapon? A heart without his head?

« **Wake up, Clarke! Come on!** »

The CPR wasn't working so I knocked on your chest with all my might... « **I'm not letting you go. You're a fighter. Now get up and fight!** » I punched again, harder this time. « **Get up and fight!** » I started again by hitting you in the heart with all my strength... I couldn't control myself anymore... If you think about it, you must have had quite a few marks because of the force of my blows...I didn't know what to do to reanimate you... I had to do it!

I leaned over your sweet lifeless face once again and shared my breath, my life with you...I mixed my breath with yours...my life with yours. Anyway, our lives belonged together, our lives were already mixed...and suddenly... You breathed in a long breath again.

« **Hey ..**. » I grabbed your face ... « **You're OK.** » I straightened you up a little so that you could breathe more easily... your precious breath... « **Just breathe.** »

You seemed to suddenly regain consciousness and gazed at me intensely...no doubt, it was you. I would have recognized that deep, connected look between a thousand...you, my Clarke, my princess, my soul mate, you had come back. You looked at me as if I was...I don't know...as if I was the moon, the sun and the stars at the same time. I liked that look... I gave you back that look a hundredfold...you will have held the burning sun in your hands that I could not have been more amazed than at that moment… « **Clarke** » You grabbed me by the neck to draw me to you and straightened you up to embrace me... Our hugs were usually intense, but this one was different...special. Precious. We had almost lost each other for good. I cried against your shoulder again, relieved to have saved you...that you were there...you will still be there for me. You clung to me as I had clung to your life. You tightened your arms with every breath....

« **The head and the heart.** »You said to me gently, still against my neck, while you were now totally diving your head down to nestle against me. I wasn't able to answer you, I didn't feel able to form a coherent word. To feel your lips, your breath against my skin was the most beautiful feeling I had felt for far too long... I continued to hold you like this for tens of minutes... I couldn't get enough of it... I tried to dry my tears. I realized that you were there with me and nothing else mattered... We didn't need to talk, words were useless. We were linked, connected to each other. By saving your life, by sharing my breath with you, I had opened my heart to you in the most beautiful way... My heart was yours...head and heart. We belonged to each other. It is sublime love, eternity that invites itself beyond the night.

Octavia and Gabriel made no noise, I didn't notice when they left the tent... I was content to rock you tenderly while caressing your back... savoring each of your breaths, each of your heartbeats... That was the most precious thing I had now, a heartbeat, yours.

Your breathing became quieter while you were still nestled against me ... It wasn't until several minutes later that I realized that you had fallen asleep...calmly against me. You apparently felt safe...I wish I could have been the guardian of your sleep for the rest of my life. I carried you gently, taking care not to wake you up...I laid your relaxed body on the bed, taking care of every inch. I took the time to caress your hair, your cheeks that had regained color...I put my hands on yours, caressing them tenderly, and put my head slowly on your belly, savoring every movement. I took advantage of your sleep to allow myself these tender gestures that I so often held back. And I sat in front of your bed before my sister or Gabriel came back, I won't move from there, not even for a second, until you wake up. I was too afraid to take my eyes off you and that something would happen again...I would watch you sleep...for hours. I couldn't take my eyes off your lungs rising and falling. I was savoring every breath you took, I had nothing more precious to me since I had almost lost you. Your oxygen, your breathing...I realized that nothing was more precious to me than seeing life pass through you. I wouldn't have traded my place for any treasure, any other wonder of this galaxy. My marvel was sleeping peacefully in front of me, alive, and that was enough for my happiness. On Earth, Sanctum, or in space, it didn't matter, you were my home and I needed only you to make me feel at home, at peace.


	75. YOU SAVED ME

Gabriel and Octavia went in and out... Octavia looked at me strangely, tenderly...she knew what you meant to me. Her gaze went from you to me with a smile on her face. She didn't tell me anything, she certainly didn't dare. They took turns standing guard in front of the tent...we expected Sanctum to reply...

Sanctum...I was hoping that it wasn't too bad up there, that Madi and our friends were safe...but for now, I wanted to make sure you were okay and enjoy the fact that you were alive... I couldn't take my eyes off you, you were so beautiful, so relaxed. I will never get tired of watching you sleep. You looked so peaceful. I will be able to do it every night and I hope we will get the chance soon. I didn't have to wait any longer. Once the worries about Sanctum were totally resolved, I would handle talking to Echo, who I think had a clear idea of what was going to happen anyway...then we could finally be really together, forever, after centuries of waiting...it would be up to you. You slept for several hours...you needed it and I liked to see you so peaceful. After a while, I took the map of the planet that Russell had given me and I looked at it over and over again looking for a solution...but nothing came...

You suddenly woke up shocked, you probably experienced a nightmare, you were looking at everything and panicking not to recognize the room... I rushed to your bedside and tenderly took your hand. You calmed down immediately as soon as you saw me... Your face softened immediately and you smiled... For my part, it was more and more difficult for me to contain my emotions and my desire to be much closer to you.

« **Hey. You're ok. I'm still here.** »

« **Thanks to you.** »You answered me, always smiling as if I was a miracle in front of you...and no effort was required to make you smile again. Still can't believe that you breathed and lived in front of me...you were the miracle...my miracle.

« **How long have I been asleep?** »

« **A few hours.** » You were looking around you, probably remembering where you were, what had happened... The guilt suddenly came over me... I could have prevented all this... I should have.

« **I'm so sorry, Clarke. I knew you were a target. I didn't protect you.** » I was sincere, I was so angry at myself. I had the impression that it was entirely my fault that you had gotten to this point, because of the succession of choices or rather of no-choices that I had made...the emotion suddenly came back to the idea of having risked losing you.

You seemed touched...very touched but there was no sign of disappointment in your eyes. I saw nothing but love.

You got up with difficulty, leaning on my hand always in yours. You plunged your sparkling eyes which now reflected only your beautiful soul, your eyes filled with emotion and gratitude... You addressed me one of your smiles in a corner that was enough to intensify your sparkling eyes, the smile that warmed my heart and brought the heatwave on my cheeks, the one that burned my soul from the root to the tip...« **Bellamy, you saved me.** » You were still smiling at me...I shyly gave you back your grin and had to avert my eyes so I wouldn't get carried away by the emotion and gather my thoughts...to avoid caressing your face with my other hand, so I wouldn't kiss you with all the passion and intensity that was between us... I had to come to my senses, just for a few more hours, a few more days, until I could sort everything out.

I took a breath and let a tear fall...I had to focus on something other than my heart getting carried away and what each piece of my skin wanted.

« **So how do we save everyone that I left behind?** » I now felt guilty for them...they might all be dead now...but the worst part was that I felt guilty above all for not regretting anything... I had chosen you instead of all the others and I would make that choice over and over again if it happened again. That was my greatest guilt at the time... And Madi was in the pack. Would you forgive me if something had finally happened to her? Would you finally have preferred that I let you die so that you could save her? Your moved eyes were always looking at me, sparkling: « **You know, if you didn’t, I'd be dead. They all would... Echo, Madi. Josephine would’ve made sure of it. Your plan was good.** »

Of course, you were right, and again, that wasn't what I meant...but I kept on going, preferring to discuss this subject rather than something more intimate. « **My plan was to use Josephine's mind drive to bargain for peace, and now there's no mind on the drive.** »

« **We don't need the mind drive. We've got me.** » You said to me without hesitation while your hands were still on mine, your thumb mechanically caressing my skin to comfort me. You had just died, literally, and it was me that you were reassuring...

I shook my head, understanding what you were getting at... « **No, no way.** »

Were you seriously planning to throw yourself into the lion's den again???? You thought I was going to let you do it without saying anything? I chose you instead of the rest of us...and you thought I wanted you to risk your life to save them! Seriously? So you didn't understand that your life was more important to me than all of them combined, even though I loved them like family. I was absolutely not willing to let you risk your life again.

« **Bellamy, if we don't give Russell his daughter back...** » I didn't want to hear about it.

« **Clarke, as soon as he realiZes you're not her, which will be the second you walk in the door and he checks the drive, you're dead.** » I got angry ... I won't let you do it ... Death was constantly threatening us. It was always behind us, ready to push us into the abyss.

« **So let's put it back in.** »Gabriel suggested.

« **That's not happening.** » I replied. « **We appreciate what you did for us, but these are our people. We'll take it from here.** » Now he was on your side too...

« **This isn't just about our people, Bellamy.** » You were trying to make me understand. You had only been saved a few hours ago and you were already thinking about the general well-being ...

« **Well, it is for me, Clarke.** » And more exactly, it was mostly just about you.

Octavia went into the tent. The three of us looked at her and she must have felt a discomfort: « **Good. Everybody's awake. So what's the plan?** » I looked at you again...I won't trust my sister to handle this, and I won't let you risk your life again.

We all put ourselves around the map to try to find a solution that would require the least amount of risk possible. And in my case, that meant that the solution would not require YOU to risk your life.

« **You’ve got Nightblood. You could have deactivated the shield.** **Why haven't you?** » You asked him.

It was Octavia who answered in his place: « **Because he doesn’t want to kill the people inside. He wants to save them, and they'll die to protect the primes.** »

« **Then they die. I'm not letting our people get eXecuted because theirs are delusional.** »

« **I don't have the code. I couldn't lower the shield if I tried.** »Gabriel finally answered me.

« **What about Ryker? He built it, and he helped you escape. Go to him, you lower the shield, we do the rest.** »

« **Ryker won't help us. He left my cell door open to stop Simone from burning me at the stake, but he wouldn't help me stop the resurrections.** »

« **They were gonna burn you?** » Octavia expressed her offense, as if she was shocked when she had done worse than that?

« **That's what you do to demons.** » He replied simply by looking at her... He continued: « **I destroyed the embryos. We landed with a thousand. Genetically engineered with what you call Nightblood to protect against solar radiation.** »

You got it: « **That's why hosts are so rare… why Josephine started oblation.** »

« **I didn't think she would take it that far, but...** »

« **So your nonviolent revolution made things worse.** » I noticed.

« **Bellamy, he doesn’t want to kill his own people.** » Octavia immediately defended him.

« **Why not? You did.** » I hurled at her, still angry with her. « **Bellamy...** » You were trying to calm me down tenderly...

« **I don't need a lecture on moral relativity from the queen of cannibals.** » Finis-je par dire en la fixant méchamment du regard…

She didn't get angry, but seemed to be hurt... « **Can I talk to you outside?** »

« **No. No. You know what? For once, o., you're not my biggest problem.** »

« **Please?** » she implored me before going out.

I was blowing...exhausted...

« **Go. We'll keep thinking.** » You advised me by nodding your head and placing a delicate hand on my arm. Once again, you knew better than me what I needed and I am happy today that I was finally able to forgive her...forgive her before they took her away from me...

« **Your sister's special.** » So Gabriel said to me by the way.

« **Well, that's one word for it.** »

« **I'm serious, Bellamy. She went into the anomaly and came back. No one's ever done that before.** »

I didn't understand anything...

« **The anomaly?** » You asked.

« **That sound you hear, the great mystery of sanctum.** » He turned to me again: « **Look, she didn’t remember anything, so I gave her red sun toXin to help her see. She chose to look inward instead.** »

« **But there was no eclipse.** » You intervened.

« **The toXin's everywhere… in every leaf, in every tree, the soil, the rocks. Over time, we found other ways to harness its power.** »

« **You weaponiZed it, didn't you?** »Then I understood.

« **Simone did as part of her adjustment protocol. My research was focused on an antitoxin. The discovery that intravenous use produced a waking dream was a happy accident.** » Octavia suddenly called from the outside... « **Uh, Gabriel, your friends are here.** »

I left immediately...Octavia was on her knees, threatened by several masked people.

I pointed my gun at them, but there were far too many of them.

« **Don't shoot. We're on the same side. Bellamy, gun down.** » She asked me.

That's all I could do anyway. One of them remembered it was me beside Josephine in the cave.

You went out, you shouldn't have... They pointed all their weapons at you. I shouted at them that it wasn't Josephine, but they wouldn't listen.

« **Gabriel, we need a little help.** »Octavia called.

Gabriel went out and two of them took off their masks.

« **Xavier, brother, get out of the way.** » the girl said.

« **Layla, it's ok. Nelson, put the weapon down. All of you, weapons down. That's an order.** »

« **You don't give orders. Where's the old man?** » Nelson asked the man.

« **Layla, search the tent.** »

Gabriel took the floor: « **The old man is dead. So is Xavier.** »

It took them a few moments to realize it and then Nelson ordered you: « **On your knees.** »

Gabriel executed and Nelson checked his neck... « **Gabriel...** »

Layla stepped forward and hit him violently with her gun. « **Traitor!** »

Nelson had to control it as Gabriel's black blood began to flow.

They dragged all 4 of us into the tent. They brought us to our knees and surrounded us, weapons pointed in our direction.

« **Explain.**. » Nelson asked Gabriel.

« **I didn't want this. I loved Xavier like a son. You know that.** »

« **Don't say his name.** » Nelson offered to wait outside if it was too hard for her, but she refused.

« **Eduardo brought me back without my consent.** »

« **Eduardo's been dead for 10 years, killed by sanctum guards around the time the old man disappeared.** »

« **It wasn't the sanctum guards.** »

« **Ten years? He's been lying to us for 10 years, letting me call him brother?** »

« **He's still our leader.** » Nelson replied.

« **No. He's a traitor and a prime. He could've told us the truth, but instead, he let us think we were abandoned. Now, give me back the gun and let me end this once and for all.** »

Nelson gave him back his gun.

I couldn't let them do it... The perfect plan suddenly materialized in my mind, and it didn't involve you in it, hence my idea that it was perfect. « **Wait. If this is what you really want, at least wait until he delivers the bomb.** »

You turned around and whispered to me, surprised: « **What are you talking about?** »

« **I'm talking about weaponiZed red sun toXin. Gabriel's a Nightblood. He can walk it right through the shield and deploy it. Once it's in the air, he finds our friend raven. She'll bring the shield down for the rest of us. We use the chaos of the evacuation to rescue our people. You kill the primes. That's how this ends.** » You were looking at me strangely so I explained it all. Nelson seemed to like my plan, but Layla did not...

« **Come on. You trust them just like that?** »

« **No. But I will...when he kills Josephine prime.** » He said while holding out his sword to Gabriel... My heart had once again a failure... You panicked... « **I'm not Josephine.** »

« **It's true. Josephine's gone. I took the mind drive out myself.** »

« **He's protecting her. How much more proof that he's a traitor do we need?** » Layla argued.

Nelson was always looking to him to do it, but Gabriel refused... Nelson came towards you, ready to kill you himself: « **No. If you kill her yourself, I won't build you the bomb.** »Gabriel said.

Nelson lowered his sword.

Gabriel then explained: « **Good. First, we gather the toxin. There's a cave on the way to the anomaly.** »

« **You're not going anywhere. Neither is your long-lost friend.** » Layla threatens him by looking at you.

Octavia spoke for me« **We can do it. Just tell us what to look for.** » They approved. Gabriel gave us his last recommendations and I set off with my sister, not reassured to leave you there... I had to do as soon as possible and come back to you.

We found the cave quite easily. Octavia had already been there.

I was going to cut the plants containing the toxin...

« **Careful. Gabriel said these things have the highest concentration of red sun toXin they've ever found. Trust me, they're a hell of a lot stronger than Jobi nuts.** » She explained to me, reminding me of the famous Monty and Jasper nuts...indeed I didn't want to test these things.

Her eyes were soft, calm, just like her way of speaking...She seemed more mature all of a sudden, soothed... Even her appearance had changed slightly. I had no idea what she had gone through in the anomaly. But I was still not ready to trust her.

I got up and went to another place to collect the toxin.

« **So tell me about this anomaly. Gabriel says that you went in and you came back, you were special.** »

« **I'm not special. I went in after Diyoza, but I couldn't catch her.** » She seemed sad about it.

« **DiyoZa's dead?** »

« **Yeah. The light swallowed her, but it spit me out. I didn't know why. But now I do.** » She looked at me: « **It was for you.** »

I had a moment of bewilderment, wondering what she meant by that...had my sister finally been able to vanquish her inner demons?

« **For me? Right.** » I was going back to my work...

« **What do you say when « I'm sorry" isn't good enough?** »

I turned around and her glance suddenly made me feel sorry for her... « **Hey. Don't stop.** » I told her to change the subject and not to waste time... I didn't want to stay away from you for too long. Nothing good ever happened when we were apart.

But she continued: « **You were right for leaving me behind. I know how hard that must have been for you, but you were right. I was a mess... a danger to you, to myself, and everyone we care about.** »

Her speech comforted me... I found my sister again, perhaps even wiser than before the bunker period...

« **Yeah? Well, what's changed?** » I asked her without looking at her, but feeling that she was staring at me full of hope.

« **Everything.** »

« **That much, huh? Ah, the mushrooms must be strong.** » I was hurtful, I didn't make it easy for her. She seemed to have the will to put the pieces back together, to do better...

« **I need you in my life, bell.** » I could feel the emotion in her voice.

I finally turned around...maybe I was ready to give her a chance, but it was clearly not the time... If I had known that I would probably not have had the opportunity to have such a conversation with her again.

« **Look, I don't know what happened to you out here, but now is not the time. We need to fill these bags and get back to camp before the antitoXin wears off.** »

She didn't give up... « **You were my rock. Without you as my compass, I was lost. I couldn't find my way out of the dark.** » She was crying now, I could feel it...and her speech managed to make my tears flow as well... I had left her behind too, just like you. I thought she was safe, but she wasn't that safe. She had had to make horrible choices, she had had to become a monster to take responsibility for her choices, to save her people. « **I did things...things I can't take back… things that will haunt me until the day I die. I'm not asking you for forgiveness. I know I have to earn that along with your trust.** »

At that very moment, all the rage, all the anger, all the regrets that had been sleeping in me these last few days resurfaced. I knew that this overload of emotions must be distorting my face and betraying my uneasiness, but I couldn't help myself. At that moment, I hated her and at the same time, I loved her more than ever. I wiped away my tears, stood up and faced her: « **What do you want me to say, O?** »

« **Say I'm your sister.** »She cried for good...it broke my heart although I tried not to show it... She could still see that my tears were flowing...

« **You're my sister… but you're not my responsibility. Not anymore.**. »...I showed her her bag: « **Go on. We got enough. I'll be right behind you.** »

I needed to be alone for a few moments...to calm down, to control my emotions...she finally came out...and I could let myself go...I let my tears flow. I had waited so many years for my sister to tell me all this...I didn't know why I couldn't forgive her...maybe because I felt responsible for every mistake she had made, every choice I had had to make for her. It's dangerous to feel responsible for someone so much...and I had paid the price many times...but no matter what I say, she was still my sister and I still loved her, deep down I will never stop loving her.

We went back to the tent where Gabriel started to build the bomb...although he explained to me that he wouldn't make a bomb after all...

« **U're not building a bomb?** »

« **Releasing it in the water will cause it to aerosolize at a lower concentration. We'll trigger an evacuation without inducing a mass psychosis.** »

« **In other words, no innocent people die.** »You explained.

Then you turned around and went to the back of the room. You were weird, I was looking at you... I could see you were up to something...

My sister then asked: « **How long until they realize there's no eclipse and turn around?** »

You answered her: « **Not long enough. We'll need to be inside before it starts, which means...** »

« **which means the shield needs to be down before it starts.** » I looked down and was angry that you continued to talk about this plan while I was gone...

« **Can you do that without a distraction?** » Octavia asked Gabriel.

I was the one who answered her: « **It wouldn't be him.** » I turned my head towards you...You knew that I didn't like it. It sounded like a child who had just made a mistake: « **Bellamy, it's the only way.** »

« **What is?** » Octavia asked you ...

You took a break and looked at me with conviction... « **I go as Josephine.** »

No... I won't let you do it...

« **It's not the only way. We use the bomb as planned. Risking your life when we don't have to is just...** »

You wouldn't let me finish: « **Is how we do better. What would Monty do?** »

I'm softening up a bit, but I was always convinced that I would stop you... « **Clarke, if you fail, if Russell figures out that his daughter is dead, all our people are dead, too.** » You would be dead and I won't endure this agony once more... « **So I won't fail.** » You provoked me in this very special way that made me want to get angry, but also to kiss you passionately.

Octavia seemed to approve of your idea: « **Bellamy, if we can spare innocent lives, we should.** »

We didn't have time to talk more about it...Sanctum's motorcycles were arriving in droves.

I came out asking you to stay inside, Octavia followed me, but Nelson ordered us back inside. Layla followed us to keep an eye on us. But it was a diversion.

She gagged us and tied us up. We heard gunshots. Layla went to look and you motioned to me to look on the other side of the tent...someone was cutting the canvas to get in. Murphy. Murphy and the chief of guards...I looked at you, panicked...you seemed serene and relaxed, grateful. I understood what you were about to do. So you would always do whatever you wanted to do.

Murphy created a diversion with Layla so that the guard could knock her out in silence.

« **Josephine?** » The guard asked you. And you nodded...

Holy shit!You were going to end up killing me with worry! Why did I have to fall madly in love with one of the few people who never hesitated to put themselves in danger for what they thought was right???? You weren't making my life easy! No, you didn't! Did you even realize that you were torturing me like never before by doing that? And I can guarantee you that this moral torture was more painful than any physical torture I had ever endured.

She approached you and untied you, took off your gag.

« **Well done, jade.** » You told her in the same haughty tone that Josephine used. Then you turned to Murphy... « **You just can't pick a side, can you, john?** » You smiled...I have to admit you were pretty damn good.

« **The only reason I'm doing this is because Emori dies if I don't.** » Then he looked at me... « **Echo's in trouble, too. I promise I'll do what I can for her.** »

I looked down...I had completely forgotten about Echo...all of a sudden I thought that if something happened to her, it would be easier...but I knew that I would be sorry for the rest of my life... I disgusted myself for having had this sordid thought.

« **Give us two seconds to make sure it's clear, then follow.** » Jade said...

She was going to kill Layla, but you interfered: « **No. This one's mine.** » You said as you grabbed your revolver. « **Go. Make sure it's clear.** » She listened to you, but Murphy seemed suspicious.

He walked towards you, looking suspicious: « **Is she really gone this time?** »

You stared at him: « **Yes. Boo-hoo. Now, as soon as I pull this trigger, your little decoy trick will fail. You better run.** »

He seemed convinced and went out. You shot into the void and crouched down in front of me to gently remove my gag as I had done when I found you in Roan's hands, tied to that pole.

« **I can do this.** » You reassured me by putting your hand on my shoulder. Anyway, it was too late to back out.

« **Get that shield down. I'll bring the cavalry.** »

« **For Monty.** »

« **For Monty.**. »

Then you looked at my sister who nodded her head and you came out...away from me, away from my protection... I could only pray. Once again, I should have told you how much I loved you at that moment...just in case...yet I didn't...once again, one too many times... Layla looked at me: « **She isn't Josephine.** »

« **No, she's not.** »

She untied us, understanding that we were really sincere and on their side. Gabriel finished the bomb and we marched to Sanctum...we couldn't do anything if you couldn't disable the shield.... Everything depended on you now, as always. My world still depended on you and it always will.


	76. I TOLD YOU SHE'D DO IT

We arrived in front of the shield, still active.

Layla grew impatient: « **What do we do now?** »

« **Now we wait.** » Gabriel answered her...

I trembled... I was so afraid they would find out the truth about you... you might already be dead... that's all I could think about. I was petrified... My sister must have felt it...

« **Clarke will get it down.** » She said confidently as I felt the weight of her gaze towards me.

I turned to her... I didn't know what to say and I saw Gabriel...

« **You. You can go in and help her.** »

« **How, Bell? They know what he looks like from Jade. Besides, it's not the plan.** » My sister answered me.

I felt so powerless. I walked further towards the shield... I would have gone there myself if I could have... You were there, left to yourself, the fate of everyone in your hands, as usual...the fate of all those I had left behind to save you. I wouldn't forgive myself if they had died because of my fault. My sister joined me.

« **I left them.** » I said to her.

« **And that's why they're still alive.** »

« **You don't know that. You heard Murphy. Echo's in trouble.** »

« **Echo's strong. She'll be ok.** »

« **Everybody always thinks that. Hell, I do it, too. The truth is... you're fine until you're not.** »

« **And Murphy said he'd help.** »

« **Real comforting.** »

« **Have some faith.»** She said to me by taking my hand...

She was really different now for sure. Much wiser, maybe even more mature than me, more thoughtful, more relaxed...

So I listened to her and went to hide in the bushes as we agreed. We waited all night...nothing, no sign. In the early morning, two guards made their rounds. Then we learned that an induction ceremony was about to take place...several inductions in fact... They were going to make new bonuses...

At this news, Gabriel ran through the shield and put the remaining guard on the ground. He wanted to know more about the induction, but the guard knew nothing... He thought that all the Primes would come back...All of them? He hit the guard hard and knocked him out:« **I can't have Russell murder more innocent people.** »

I took it upon myself to tell him: « **I know it's hard but we have to stick to the plan! Clarke gets the shield down and we use the toxin as a distraction to save our people.** »

« **Yeah, well, I have a new plan: use our distraction to stop Naming Day. Look, I'm sorry, but unlike you, I can't sacrifice the few to save the many.** » And he left with the motorcycle in the direction of the castle.

We waited all day...every minute more made my wait unbearable. Night came...the enthronements...

Suddenly, the shield was deactivated. There are no words to describe the relief I felt...the pride itself. You had done it. « **Told you she'd do it.** » I used to tease my sister with a grin.

She gave me a shoulder slap while laughing. We had officially fixed our relationship.

« **Death to Primes!** » The children of Gabriel began to shout as they ran towards the castle!

Once they were near, they became more discreet. Octavia and I were in the lead.

We arrived at the steps where you were waiting for us, with Echo, Gaia, and Miller...

Echo came forward and I could only take her in my arms...

« **What took you so long?** » You asked me with bright eyes...I plunged my gaze into yours as I held Echo in my arms...it was you I should have hugged, you were the one I wanted to have in my arms...and by the look in your eyes, so sad, that's what you thought too. You didn't take your eyes off mine. I could have thought that you were doing it on purpose to make me feel even more guilty, but I knew that it wasn't the case, you were simply becoming aware that I wasn't yours, not yet, I could see the suffering in your eyes, the envy... Octavia looked at us...

Then you continued, probably in a hurry not to have to endure the scene in front of you anymore: « **Look, I hate to cut the moment short, but Russell told the people that it was a false alarm. They're not evacuating. We have no distraction.** »

Echo continued: « **The rest of our friends are still in trouble, and we don't have the people to fight our way through.** »

« **We're not here to fight. We're here to liberate.** » I announced.

« **Bellamy's right, and the only weapon we need for that is truth.** » Layla approved.

« **You sound like Gabriel.** » Nelson said to her.

« **Where is Gabriel? And why did he set off the alarm so soon?** » You asked...

« **Hold on. They won't believe us just because we tell them the truth.** » Echo cut you.

« **What are you thinking?** » I asked her.« **I'm thinking Ryker helped us start this. His mother will finish it.** »

You and her looked in the direction of the hooded woman you were holding hostage... Then you handed me a chip, her son's chip: « I **They think I'm Josephine, so it can't be me.** »

We had a plan, a hostage... We were advancing towards the palace. I was going down the stairs, with Prya as a hostage, while you and the others went into hiding, ready to attack.

Everyone was turning towards me and Prya... « **The power is out, the shield is down, but we are not here to fight. I have something to tell you that will be hard to hear, but it's the truth. The Primes told you that we're your enemy. They lied. They lied about everything. They're not gods. They don't become one with their hosts. They kill them. They steal your bodies so they can live forever. Tell them.** » I asked Prya.

« **It's true. We're not divine. We survive because we have technology. But we need your bodies to do it. Delilah's not one with me. She's dead, killed so that I could return. It's all a lie.** » She was crying now... I gave her back her son's chip.

People seemed outraged...

Russell appeared on the balcony: « **I am disappointed in you, Priya. I'm disappointed in all of you. According to our adjustment protocol... nonbelievers must be purified!** » He threw a toxin bomb in the middle of the crowd. Fortunately, we had antitoxin masks. I joined you as best I could, leaving Prya behind as the crowd separated us. It was total chaos in the square ... Delilah's parents came up to Prya and stabbed her.

Then the guards took the prisoners to the main hall. Raven, Jackson...Madi...

You and Miller came forward... Miller wanted to go, but Octavia stopped him... « **I do not take orders from you anymore!** » He shouted at her.

« **Miller, she's right. You'll never make it past the guards.** »

You turned around, determined, and still in shock at having seen Madi in the hands of the guards: « **No, but I can.** »

I knew I couldn't stop you, but my gaze was still lost in yours, imploring... I felt Echo's on me.

Gaia stepped forward: « **I'm going with you.** »

« **Gaia...** »

« **They'll think I'm Josephine's guard. It's Madi. I'm going.** »

« **Ok. Miller, stay here and protect the others. We're getting back. Trust me.** »

At that moment, the crowd was moving towards us, ready to attack us. I knocked one of them out ... « **Go.** » I'll be a distraction.

« **What will you do?** » You asked me, worried, before leaving.

« **Look, I'm still working on that part. Just go!** » I yelled at you. You hated it as much as I knew you did, but your silence was eloquent: you wanted me to continue.

I ordered Miller to lower the guns...we had to try to kill as few as possible. « **We need to take cover and wait it out.** » Echo suggested as Octavia took us to a container where we locked ourselves in.

The walls of the containers would not last long under the pressure of the dozens of people who were fighting over them.

Nelson wanted to shoot and flee, but I told him that it was out of the question for me to abandon you.

We had to face and resist. I proposed to knock them out and tie them up until they calmed down. But suddenly, then noise, no more blows...someone threw an asphyxiating grenade into the container and we fell unconscious.

We woke up in some kind of temple, gagged.

A woman stood in front of us and asked the guards to bring all the unbelievers to her.

She began by kneeling before Layla: « **Do you or do you not believe in the divinity of the Primes?** »

« **You don't need a potion to find out my truth, Witch. rimes are not Gods, they are liars, and murders...** »

The woman slit his throat in the second...Nelson screamed through his gag.

She passed to Miller: « **You don't have to do this. We're not your enemy.** » He begged. « **No. You're a disease, and this is the cure.** » She presented him with a cup and put a knife to his throat: « **Your blood or the blood of Sanctum. Good.** »

He looked at me and I nodded my head for him to do so. It was either that or death. He drank ...

She then moved on to Octavia. Octavia prepared to drink, but Murphy and Emori entered. Disguised as Prime... Daniel and Kaylee Prime to be exact. I wondered if it was them until Murphy winked at me discreetly. I must admit that they played their roles perfectly as well. They managed to get us out, claiming they had to take us to the Palace because we were not one of their people. They didn't want to let Gabriel's children go... We would take care of them later.

As we were leaving, a man threw himself on Murphy and kissed him...Daniel Prime's boyfriend, probably. Murphy was surprised and I think that was enough to arouse the young man's suspicions.

We still managed to get out.

« **Well, who's the hero now? Come on..** » s'exclama-t-il avec fierté

I asked him discreetly, always pretending to be their prisoner: « **Where's everyone else?** »

« **Space. There's only Jordan here now. He's our next stop.** » Emori answered me.

« **Keep your eyes down and move calmly. These people are still whacked out of their minds.** » Murphy advised.

« **Why do they think you're Primes?** » Echo asked.

« **It's the toxin.** » Murphy replied, by lying to us.

People suddenly jumped on us, accusing us of being the cause of Russell's exit. We ran to the palace, holding Miller still in shock from the toxin swallowed during the ritual. Gabriel opened the door and closed it to keep the others out.

We found Jordan completely out of it, in a trance, in one of the rooms... He didn't move and didn't recognize us when we entered the room. Gabriel explained to us that in the cup that Miller and also Jordan had drunk, there was blood as well as pure toxin.

He didn't have time to tell us more because one of the fanatics threw himself at us. Octavia stopped him in a second.

I couldn't understand why they continued in their delirium when they knew the truth now.

« **If they accept the truth, their lives mean nothing.** »Octavia explained ... « **It's why I burnt the farm. Help me tie him up.** » She got lost in her thoughts and then asked me to help her tie him up.

Gabriel wanted to save the people in the tavern and asked Murphy to intervene and take her into the tavern as a prisoner. Murphy refused. Gabriel was going to go alone, but Octavia asked him to wait for him. She looked at me:

« **I can't let these people die, Bell.** »

« **Side by side.** » I said to her to remind her of what she had told me a century before in the tent... Except that this time it was for a good cause... She smiled at me and I continued: « **Like it was meant to be.** »

We both smile at each other and the emotion fills us up. I stood up and offered my hand to help her get up.

« **I guess it's time to do better.** » Echo noted.

Emori also wanted to join us, but Gabriel explained to her that Kaylee was against the adjustment protocol. It had to be Daniel, Murphy.

He agreed: « **Fine, but if I die, you're bringing me back.** »

« **No, I'm not.** »

« **At least lie to me.** » He kissed Emori before he left: « **Being a God should be more fun than this.** »

So we went out... Murphy did his show with Gabriel while we stayed hidden, ready to intervene.

It happened as planned, they entered the tavern... All that was left to do was to wait. I was wondering why you had to go into space, what was going on up there... If you were all right and if you were going to make it...we were fighting 2 different battles, both of them were important.

But just when we thought it was in the pocket, the woman in charge of adjustments came out and blocked the entrance to the tavern... « **We purify Sanctum through fire!** »

She ordered the people to pour the fuel on the tavern and grabbed a torch.

We moved forward... slowly.

« **Leave the torch and back away.** » I said to her.

Octavia continued:« **Those are your people in there. Help us save them.** »

« **That's what we're doing. Their sacrifice will be a blessing to us all.** »

Echo blocked her path and a general fight broke out.

We managed to calm down the game and move them away slightly. But we still had to put out the torches. No attention was paid to the woman who had got up and set herself on fire alive: « **For the glory and the grace of the Primes!** »

Octavia threw herself on her to try to save her, but it was too late... Her jacket caught fire and she had to quickly take it off. Echo hurried to unlock the door of the tavern.

We had managed to knock everyone out, but there were still a few fugitives to watch out for.

That's when Gabriel noticed a huge tattoo on my sister's back... I had never noticed it before.

« **When did you get that?** »

« **What? What is it?** » She answered him, surprised.

He asked her permission to take a better look...it was a strange succession of signs...

« **Have you seen that before?** » I asked him, worried.

« **The tattoo? No. No, but I've been studying it for 150 years. We call it the anomaly stone. You must have gotten it on the other side. »** He pulled her gently by the arm, forcing her to turn around. She seemed surprised... **« Hey. Still think you were gone for only a few seconds?** »

« **It's beautiful, but what does it mean?** » Echo asked.

« **Good question.** »

« **It means I have to go back.** » Octavia understood.

Gabriel smiled...

We were looking forward to your return...hoping that everything went well. We managed to establish radio contact with Raven who explained what had happened, and Abby's death, including the fact that you had to eject her body over the ship to save them all...my heart was aching at the thought... You had to face that alone, I was once again not at your side. You must have been devastated.

I agreed to go with Octavia and Gabriel to the stone. I had just found my sister. I had to be by her side. Echo wanted to come with me of course...I agreed to her request, telling me that after solving this umpteenth mystery, I would not back down and should have THE conversation with her, I would tell her there or on the way back home. That would be the ideal moment. All this could finally be unraveled and we could live in peace, build a new future, together, you, me, and Madi. We were almost there. This time I won't go back.


	77. I'LL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE

I saw you arrive at the top of the stairs, your blond hair illuminating my horizon, hand in hand with Madi, who had now removed her chip. It immediately relieved me. Ever since you woke up, every minute spent away from you terrified me, I was afraid that you would be taken away from this world, from me again. And yet I knew that you were not the kind of person you could keep to yourself, that you could protect, that you could stop wanting to save the people you love, and it was that autonomy, that determination that had turned me on. I hadn't been struck by love at first sight, no, rather a sunburn on my heart, it was more ardent, warmer, timeless...

I walked straight towards you...seeing your exhausted and distraught gaze at the number of dead bodies before you.

« **Don't let this delay you. We're still leaving.** » Gabriel advised me.

« **The Anomaly awaits.** » Echo continued…and seemed to be in a hurry to leave the city where you had now returned...but I won't be able to reason and breathe normally until I can see you, talk to you, until I can hug you again, and too bad for the people around me, I needed it and so did you. « **I'm right behind you,** » l said, pushing her slightly forward to make her understand to move on without me. I wanted to take full advantage of our reunion without her. It was wrong, I know. I should have already told her, as soon as I got back, that it was over. But how do you tell a powerful warrior that you love another woman when we were already in chaos? She probably wouldn't have been surprised, but it wasn't news to be told like that, not to her. I couldn't predict her reaction, I was afraid that she would come after you or take revenge on someone else. Echo was smart but also unpredictable I knew that...This conversation would take place, in the next few days, after solving this last mystery with Octavia. I owed it, to me, to her, to you. I was determined now and that determination intensified every time I laid my soul on you.

I headed to Jordan who still seemed to be close to the fanatics. For a first discovery of the world, the poor man had not been spoiled. I couldn't help but think about his parents...They probably didn't want any of this for him. They had entrusted him to us and we had failed. I hoped we could still make up for it.

« **Jordan... You ok? Look like you had a rough night.** »

« **Not as rough as some.** » He said to me, showing me the corpses.

« **Come on. They're back from space.** »

« **I saw the ship. You go. I'm gonna help clean up our mess. Hey...they say you got Priya killed.** »

« **Jordan, the truth got Priya killed.** »

« **The truth? According to who? I'm just saying Sanctum wasn't perfect, but these people had peace before we got here.** »

He succeeded in making me feel guilty...

« **You sure you're ok?** »

« **Fine. Yeah.** » He was really weird... As if he believed in all that bullshit about the so-called Gods anymore... But I didn't have time to worry about it. I put my hand on his shoulder and went in your direction.

The reunion was festive in the square. Everyone was cuddling ... it was nice to see. But I didn't care... Only one person interested me.

And suddenly I saw you, on the other side, a ray of sunshine illuminating your golden hair in which I could no longer wait to plunge my head... a field of gold where I wanted to let myself go. You were looking for me... You stopped when you saw me and seemed relieved. Your eyes shone with a glow of hope, love and sacrifice... You ran to take the few steps that still separated us...and you threw yourself at me, really, neither of us could bear to have any space between us. I held you in my arms, forgetting the world around me, forgetting everything else. In your arms, I found myself, I felt authentic. Love flowed both ways, it was obvious...the almost unreal intensity of this embrace was enough to show it. My body was made to welcome yours, to hold you close to it. I hugged you as tight as I could and allowed myself to let a few tears of relief flow as you cried as well ...

You clutched your hands around my neck and buried your head as only you knew how to do. You step back slightly to look at me...there was something strangely beautiful about your sadness... You were beautiful no matter what. You were the air in my lungs...

« **I heard about Abby.** » You started crying for good... staring me straight in the eyes. I knew that only with me you would allow yourself to crack like that. « **I tried to do better. I did, and then I lost my Mom. Tell me it was worth it. Tell-tell me it was worth it.** »You repeated breathlessly, crying...my heart broke as yours was supposed to be broken. If I had the means to feel all this pain for you, I would have done it.

« **Hey, hey. We did. We did do better. I have to believe that that matters.** »

I didn't know what else to tell you... I felt all your pain and it was destroying me...I knew what you felt, I had felt it the day before. Seeing you like that brought back those sad memories that won't let go of me. I remembered that a few days before you were gone and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand that you could feel such intense pain...that agony. You didn't deserve this.

You nodded your head and plunged back into my arms that were just waiting to welcome you... you cried a few more moments and I consoled you as much as I could... I hesitated then to accompany my sister, I wanted to stay close to you, to support you, to be there. I didn't want to leave you by a single centimeter. If only I had known...But I had to go, to consolidate the new bond with my sister, to prove to her that I had forgiven her, and to be free to write these new pages with you. I was not to back down any further and this would be the perfect moment... So I continued my embrace, savoring each rocking.

Until Echo came to interrupt us a little coldly, reminding me that we had to go to the stone. I explained briefly what we were going to do there and told you that we would probably be there for a few days, but that I would be back soon. You seemed to panic at the thought of my departure and a million questions seemed to materialize in your brain, but you looked at Echo and regained your composure... « Be careful... » You said, nodding your head and smiling awkwardly at Echo.

This is the last contact I had with you ... the last embrace, the last look, the last shared tears...

Arrived at the stone, Gabriel used the tattoo of Octavia to activate it. The anomaly grew huge just above it and Hope came out of it, stabbing my sister, ripping it out of me... then, as I mourned the loss of my sister, an invisible force attacked me and I woke up here...in this strange, captive room...I haven't seen anyone since, only the sight of your face helps me stay sane.

_If I'm going to die soon, I just want to know that there's a chance that you'll finally know all this... You called me every day for 6 years to keep you sane...I wrote to you. Your one thought helps me stay on course, breathe, hope. Because you are everything. Everything I've always wanted, mainly because you've always treated me as someone who matters. As if my opinions and desires were important to you. You are my reason to try to be better, to give the best of myself._

_I've kept this secret for so long, too long. It now burns me, consumes me from the inside like this devouring passion I've been carrying you for over a century. In this life or the next, I have no doubt that our souls will meet again._

_I am writing you this letter just to tell you that I love you. More than anything, far more than me. That you will always be in my heart as the one and only, my personal sunshine. I have loved you as I have lost you, without being able to do anything about it, just by watching you shine. I hope that these words will find your way, that they will bring you comfort in your difficult moments...that they will give you the strength to move forward, for you, for Madi.... You deserve to be happy, Clarke, more than anyone else. Don't doubt for a second that you have been loved intensely, unquestionably and unconditionally since the day we got off this dropship, since the moment our eyes met, since our souls recognized each other. No words can adequately describe this place you have taken in my heart._

_And I would have liked to keep looking at you, admiring you as much as possible. I can no longer go on without confessing to you what I've always hidden from you, quite simply, because the lack of you is becoming too much of a burden. But never pity me. Never feel like I've lost myself. Because the love I received through your eyes and your attention was worth it. You showed me that people like you exist and that makes me luckier than most people. I loved you every moment, I know that now. I have loved you in your victories as well as in your failures, in your good days as well as in your bad days...in each of your smiles and in each of your tears, in my arms and even in other people's arms...unconditionally. Nothing could ever alter my love for you and it will be so until the dawn of time. Don't doubt it. I will support you until my last breath, and my last thought will be for you. I will continue to love you, in life and in death, in this or another galaxy ... through the stars, through the eternities..._

_If our paths ever cross again and this time we can be lovers and not friends, know that I won't need anyone else. You are the right person. We belong together. Our minds, our hearts have known how to find each other, to find each other, always. I love you Clarke Griffin, and these three little words are only weak in the face of the immensity of my feelings, their purity. No words can match the place you have taken in my heart, in my life. I will hold you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms... Until we can be TOGETHER, on this side or the other. I love you and so much more. My soul mate. My life. May we meet again._

This is where it all led me...here, alone. I don't know how long I've been writing these lines. It has kept me going, kept me hopeful. Now all I hope is that they will give it to her, not find a way to use it against her...

I delicately close the leather cover of the notebook, hold it against my heart, it was my last hope... I put it on the table...and I go to bed. For the first time in so many years, I go to bed with a liberated spirit, relieved to have finally been able to put these words on paper. Everything I had so hard buried inside me is now lying on the paper, indelible, like my love for her... I dare not imagine her reaction to reading these words if she ever does. It doesn't matter. This introspection was necessary for me. They say that before we die, we replay the film of our lives. That's what I had just done, because she is my life and each embrace I shared with her had opened up a piece of paradise for me. I am no longer afraid of death, I know that it is not the end, I know that I will find her again in another life, another dimension...we will find each other again.


	78. ALL I ASK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a sex scene at the end of this chapter. But no smut. It is very soft and not detailed so that all audiences can read it. I don't think this is shocking.

I open my eyes and the first thing I check is the table... No more notebook. They took it from me. The ball is in their hands now. I don't wonder if they will read it or not, I'm sure they will and I don't care. The important thing, the one and only important thing, is that these people have enough heart to respect my will, maybe even my last will. I just hope that I will know if you could have received it before you die. Then I could leave this world in peace. Will you be surprised when you read it??? I don't think so, not so much.

1 day, 2 days, 3 days ... the days go by and they all look the same. Nothing happens. Absolutely nothing...it is difficult to find your way in time without having any contact with the outside, no windows...

Suddenly I hear a noise, the door...someone opens this damn door that I have been bumping into so much. This door cuts me off from the world and seems indestructible.

A man enters, graying, I had never seen him before... He's wearing an immaculate white outfit. He looks neither aggressive nor armed. I've waited so long to see someone open the damn door, and now I don't know what to say. I am speechless. I had hundreds of questions in my head, but no sound can come out of my mouth. It doesn't matter, he'll do the talking:

« **Bellamy Blake, Congratulations... Tomorrow you will save humanity.** »

What the fuck? I still can't ask any questions, the shock of seeing someone probably, or the shock of this news couldn't be more surprising. What does this old fool mean by saving humanity? And why me? Why here? I don't understand anything and I'm exhausted from searching. I kept silent.

« **Follow me, please.** » He leads me into a kind of room, closed by the same unshakeable door. Another "prison" but more cosy, with comfortable furniture. Still no window but the room is decorated. It's already a little better than what I had.

« **You have 30 minutes to shower and get ready. We put clean clothes on the bed. Be ready in time.** »

I finally manage to ask him before he lets me regain my forced solitude: « **Ready for what?** »

« **Your last night here**. »

I look at the room, I walk around it... I can't believe it. I'm not on Sanctum, I don't think so. Nothing like what I saw on Sanctum. I feel like I'm in a much more sophisticated place. 30 minutes, and then what? My last night? How is it going to be different from previous nights? My last night in this place. My last night alive? That strange man could have given me a little more detail anyway! Why so many ceremonies, so many mysteries...

Anyway, I admit that I do need a real shower. I enjoy every minute of this shower and every drop of water that touches my skin. It's been so long... A hot shower, where I don't feel spied on. I find the clothes on the bed... White clothes, almost like the ones the man was wearing, with one difference: he was in a dress, I have a pair of pants and a kind of shirt. I had never worn a shirt before that day! I am ready, I sit in the armchair. I try to understand, but is there really anything to understand? Save humanity? By doing what? They're really crazy, aren't they?

The door opens again, the same man. I find it strange that he's alone, I could attack him any minute... but to go where? If he shows himself to me helpless it's because he has to be guaranteed that he won't risk anything. So it's better not to try anything, try to find out more. I still have one more night in front of me anyway!

« **Please come with me.** »

« **You are curiously polite for someone who has been holding me captive for several weeks...** » That's all I have to say...

He looks at me with a raised eyebrow, but ignores my remark. He continues: « **Tomorrow is another day Mr. Blake, believe it or not, we mean no harm, quite the contrary.** »

« **What did you do with my notebook?** » In fact, it's the only thing that really matters to me and I prefer not to be interested in his gibberish. « **It' s in very good hands. This notebook has helped us enormously, I think it will save us all...** »

Okay, well... Now I'm totally lost! I'm so taken aback that I don't dare continue this conversation. We arrive in front of another door after going through several long corridors that all look the same, still no windows. It's a real labyrinth. I won't be able to escape.

« **Here we are... We give you the night, don't waste your time for this one, make good use of it, these last hours will be precious and we want to prove you our good faith. Tomorrow morning we will activate the stone and you will take the test. We are now certain that you will save us. We were wrong all these years. Humanity has to rise from these ashes, one human being will never be able to succeed, but two...that has to be the solution. Two beings who complement each other perfectly, who belong to each other without wanting to possess each other, who do not judge each other... That's necessarily the solution. War won't save anything at all, love on the other hand... I now think that it is our only and last chance.** »

« **What does that mean?** »

« **The head and the heart Mr. Blake, come on! But enough questions for today, enjoy this last night. We honestly have no idea what's really waiting for you tomorrow but it will be a big task anyway... Remember: don't waste the time you have left now...** »

He opens the door. I walk in...my heart explodes. There you are, sitting on this bed, in a white dress, certainly one of theirs. You're holding my notebook in your hands. You're holding my notebook as if it were the most precious object you've ever possessed. The door closes immediately. You look up and our eyes connect, finally, I missed it so much. You get out of bed and put the notebook down. I must be dreaming. I feel the air filling my lungs and my heart getting carried away, I feel like I'm finally breathing. I move forward slowly, I'm afraid that you'll fly away, I'm afraid that if I move too fast, this perfect vision will disintegrate... You don't give me time to get to you, you're not as patient as I am. You quickly walk the 3 steps that remain between us, without leaving my eyes. That's you. I don't have time to think that I can already feel the warmth of your face in my neck...you're the only one who hugs me like that. It's your body that I feel against mine, the softness of your arms... I embrace you back, burying my head in your hair with the scent of happiness, I feel this infinite need that we have for each other. I hug you so hard that I'm afraid I might end up smothering you, but it doesn't seem to bother you. You hold on to me with the same power. We stay like this for several minutes, holding our breaths so that they are in perfect symbiosis, then you detach yourself from me and look at me as if it's the first time.

« **Clarke ...** » I pronounce your first name as if it is the only word I know, I feel like a child learning to speak... I marvel at your sparkling eyes...Their incomparable light finally illuminates the dark paths that my soul has had to take all this time. Your candor dazzles me. What I feel is indescribable, it is neither a feeling nor an emotion, it is not something that can be explained...It is neither physical nor psychological, it invades me from everywhere. It's deep inside me, it takes me from within, it invades me. You smile at me and without me having the time to react I feel your lips on mine. If it's a dream, I wish I'd never wake up. But it's not, it doesn't look like one...it's a thousand times better than in my dreams. I feel complete, my heart, my body, my mind... I feel nothing but love, I'm overwhelmed by a wave of intense happiness...fullness. My blood is boiling, all my senses are in a turmoil that only your gaze and your kisses can soothe. I love you with fury. I love you without restrictions. I would like this moment to last forever, but even eternity seems too short. I no longer have any feelings other than love and adoration. Any thoughts other than yours fade away. A smile appears on our faces while our lips are still connected. I kiss you tenderly, passionately, until I am out of breath.

We detach our still vibrant lips from this devouring passion while we remain entwined, we are too afraid to move away from each other, your forehead against mine, your eyes in mine, your arms around my neck. I want to erase all that surrounds us, that we are the only ones left. I see only you. I want more. I want to surrender myself to you totally as if it was our first time together, but above all as if it was our last.

« **Why did we wait so long?** » You finally say while laughing... I feel you trembling with passion in my arms. Indeed, we had waited far too long. But if I could have savored the taste of your lips sooner, I could never have gotten rid of them. I would never have been able to concentrate on anything else. Our people could have done well on their own and run to their doom.

« **Clarke I...** »

« **Shhhh ... we don't have enough time for that. We have one night left. We still have a few hours to fully enjoy each other as we should have done for more than 130 years. So please, no serious conversation, no remorse, no excuses, no regrets ... we don't have time for that. Please, don't think about anything else but us, we have amply deserved it I think.** » You tell me as you slip your hands so that they can come and intertwine mine. « **Of course, you're right...just, what's going to happen tomorrow? Do you know? Why me?** »

« **Why « we", you mean? We were chosen, together. And for the first time, it all actually makes sense to me. They discovered that the ultimate purpose of the stone could save mankind. We just don't know how yet, but we don't care. There's no need to fight, no need for war... It's a test, the final judgment. I don't know much more and I don't think they do either. But we just have to pass the damn test, prove that humanity deserves to be saved. They tried to send several people, without success... Then they had an idea, and that notebook...that wonderful story you wrote to me...Bellamy, they read it. Then they gave it to me, at last, and I think while I was reading, they were studying me. I think they were even able to read my thoughts. Their technology is impressive. I don't have any confidence in them but I don't think they are really bad people.** »

« **Clarke, that doesn't make any sense...** »

« **Oh yes, believe me, this place is really amazing, their technology is unimaginable. They managed to find me thanks to your sister's memories... They thought I was the key because of the flame, it's a long story to explain... They were wrong, but according to them, not so much. I could be the key, but not alone, with you, together. The head and the heart to save humanity.** »

I took a few seconds to try to make sense of it all...without success.« **Octavia is here?** »

« **Yes, and she's fine, we should be able to see her tomorrow before the big jump. Octavia and I have become very close believe it or not.** » I suffered from relief...

« **Bellamy, they read how you felt about me and they saw how I felt about you. They saw that I felt exactly the same way. That the words in that notebook made me feel, made me vibrate. I wasn't very surprised, because as you wrote to me, we never needed words to connect with each other. I knew how much you loved me just as you finally felt that my love for you was always there. I think my soul recognized yours the moment I stepped down the dropship ladder and saw you ready to pull that lever. It was as if I recognized you. And as tumultuous as our early days were, I could feel that connection, that special connection...and it scared me. You've always had the ability to feel things more deeply, more intensely... And that's as much a gift as it is a curse. Bellamy, I have never loved anyone even a third of the intensity of the love I have for you. Everything I appreciate in life is in you. I could tell you, I could shout it out to you until you're speechless. It's so much more than love, it's so much more than that, there is no you and me. It's just us. And they saw it. They think we can pass the test, together. They've already sent several people they thought were virtuous, their bodies have all been rejected, some of them came back dead...the others don't remember anything. We don't know what awaits us, but they think that the way our souls are connected, our connection, it can make a difference. Gabriel and Jordan agree with them. Even Raven has come to approve of their discovery. They think that if the world began with Adam and Eve, then we can be the Adam and Eve who will save it...I'm scared, for sure, I'm terrified. But I tell myself that it is possible. We didn't find each other or go through all this by chance. And if I have to die tomorrow, I'm not afraid of death if I'm by your side. With you, I feel ready to face hell.** » I stand there gawking, my hand holding yours delicately, savoring the touch of your skin and trying to assimilate the confusing information you just told me...

You continue.

« **Bellamy, I love you. I have loved you for more than a century and I will love you beyond death. I don't care if I'm on Earth, on Sanctum or on any planet... I just want to be with you, because you are my world, you are my refuge, my home. I don't want any more excuses, no more pretexts, no more fear...tonight I just want to be with you, really with you. It's just you and me here, so let's not think about anything else. I don't want to think about anything else but you, about us, about the present moment. I want to taste infinity, to taste heaven. Tonight I just want to live. And only you can really make me feel alive.** »

I realize I'm crying...I barely understand what you told me about what's going to happen tomorrow and I don't care.... I only understand your love. There was nothing before you, there will be nothing after, everything is erased. You end up standing in front of me like a reflection: our eyes fix, our mouths smile. I feel totally helpless. I see in your eyes love, happiness... I don't know if it's just a reflection of mine or just what you feel, too. You are perfect. I look at you with bright eyes, I feel the adrenaline rush through my body and what I need right now is you. I need to make that connection, to unite our bodies. I place my hand behind your neck and passionately press your mouth against mine. It doesn't shock you, you give me back my kiss with the same passion... You take off my shirt and put your hands on my body. What an exquisite sensation. I shiver. I pull down the zipper of your dress and you slide it slowly on the floor. I stop our kiss for a few seconds and look at you. Geez you are beautiful, every inch of your skin is a work of art sculpted to amaze me. I never take my eyes off you: your body impresses me and your smile bewitches me. I feel like I am dispossessed of my own mind. I will embrace and cherish every inch of it, believe me. You look at me with a slight smile on your face, I think that you read my thoughts which makes your cheeks slightly red, you are all the more magnificent. We have waited so long for this moment… I feel it, you have waited as long as I have. Our eyes give themselves the order to slow down a little, to savor... We understand each other. I caress your cheek and straighten your face to put a kiss on your neck ... You shiver. I love it. I use my other hand to unhook your bra and I slide the straps so that you lose it completely. I've never seen such a beauty. Every bit of skin that comes out is a wonder. We know each other by heart, you and I...and yet this precious intimacy is the only thing we haven't discovered about each other yet. The last step to take to know each other completely, perfectly...I am not disappointed, you don't seem to be either, I never doubted it. We were born to be together. Our bodies are the 2 pieces of a beautiful puzzle that complement each other perfectly.

I see envy, desire in your eyes. It' s not a chaste and timid desire no. There is no more restraint. All these years of expectations, frustrations, jealousies... All these years have combined to explode into a volcanic desire that can no longer be held back, an uncontrollable need for each other, a devouring desire to unite. I want our two bodies to embrace each other in a sweet dance. I want this dance to never end.

Then I finish getting rid of the last piece of cloth that covers your body and you do the same without me really noticing. Our two naked bodies, there is nothing between us, nothing to stop us, there is only love, desire, happiness to be together for good. I don't know how to go about it, I'm no beginner in this matter, but with you it's different, special, precious... I would like this moment to be perfect, that it be engraved in me for life... that my body keeps after-effects for everyone to know that it was the most beautiful moment of my life, even after my death. How can I make you understand, without saying a word, that your presence is the most beautiful gift I have ever been given? How can I show you this excess of love that I feel for you and that I could only keep quiet all this time? You are beautiful. I would like every second to become an hour, every moment to remain frozen in my memory, to lose my mind.

We find ourselves on the bed without noticing it, our lips only leave each other to kiss other parts of our bodies...

The minutes pass, the seconds escape and magnify in this magical moment. Our bodies find themselves united and this feeling transcends me. It's better than any feeling I've ever experienced before. It's pure, it's beautiful... that's what making love is all about... this expression takes all its meaning in your arms. It's so different when this intimacy is shared with the love of your life, it has a completely different feeling... It's almost unreal. An extraordinary feeling of completeness overwhelms me. I am totally fulfilled by this union, by the wonder of sharing my love with you, of uniting our bodies, we detach ourselves slightly from each other to catch our breath, your face remains close to mine, our foreheads in contact. I finally open my eyes to contemplate you, my marvel... Your hair tousled with passion. You were already looking at me with that smile that I know only too well and that I will never tire of. I smile tenderly in my turn and my mouth finds its way back to your lips as I continue my caresses. Our hearts touch and see each other. I explore with my hands the least of your forms, I search... I listen to your pleasure, I feel your vibrations, I hear your body living... Waves of pleasure... ebb and flow of sensations. Your caresses are all gentle, tender, without laziness. I savor your energy, your will, your way of loving, of showing it, of whispering it...Whispering it, blowing it...Everything that makes me love you, that makes you being you, that makes us...There is no joy as healthy, as complete, as comforting, as natural, as clean, as exhilarating, as soothing, as nourishing. It is ecstasy.

We touch seventh heaven all night long. We don't sleep. We enjoy fully ourselves...We don't waste any seconds.

I can say without the slightest hesitation that this is the most beautiful night of my life. I feel at peace, totally. Alive.


	79. May we meet again

We are in each other's arms, our eyes like our legs still intertwined, still amazed by the moments so precious that we could finally share...we smile stupidly, lovingly...we are happy...This night was even more beautiful than I could have imagined... Our two bodies against each other that were now one, our lips that didn't want to leave each other anymore and our two hearts that were running a marathon together. So much shared happiness and caresses... Just thinking about it, the shivers resurface! I had dreamed so much of a night like this... And yet the reality was much better than the best of my dreams. If only we could stay there, together, for eternity, drawing from this devouring passion that has been contained for too long...

A message suddenly sounds in the room. « **We will pick you up in 1 hour. Please be ready.** »

« **Looks like it's time** » I say to you with a smile while fear brings me up...

« **Sounds like it. How about combining business with pleasure by taking a good shower?** »

« **I could never deny you anything princess.** » I try to stay relaxed, not to show you that I'm afraid, I know you do the same. Let's enjoy these last few moments again, you and I.

The shower was...interesting ...very interesting. In the line of this so perfect and magical night. I discovered that I cherish every drop of warm water flowing over your perfect curves...I will never be satiated of your body, of your caresses, of this so perfect union.

And here we are, dressed, ready for the unknown, on this bed. It is you who breaks the silence first.

« **Bellamy...** »

« **No, this time I am speaking. I'm scared and I know you are too. I'm not sure I understood what you explained to me, maybe you didn't either and it doesn't matter... I am afraid, but at the same time I am strangely serene. Tonight was the best night of my life and if it was to be my last, so be it! I don't know what we're going to face again, but I'm confident, because together nothing is impossible and I know that if we get lost our paths will find each other again. I am tired of having to fight all the time, we have already faced too many trials together and if this is to be the last one so that we can live in peace, whether it is anywhere in the universe, on this side or the other, then that is what I wish as well. I've tasted heaven, I won't let it go away like that ... I want to spend eons with you Clarke Griffin.** »

« **Bellamy Blake, you're the most wonderful person I've ever met... Eternity won't be enough for me to prove how much I love you. This night has only strengthened my love for you. You are the sap of my body, a part of me, the most beautiful part of me...I am glad I had the chance to find you. In spite of all the trials, all the sorrows, I think I am lucky to have had you by my side all this time. And I feel even luckier today to finally be able to love you fully, to have been able to share these precious moments with you. I am convinced that these will not be the last ones. Fate brought us together, and not for nothing...** » You smile and take my hand, eyes overflowing with emotion...

You get up just as the door opens.

We follow the strange man to a very white room where the stone is... and Octavia.

She throws herself at my neck... It feels so good. I let a tear fall as she cries all the tears of her body. She finally detaches herself... « **It's so good to finally see you...It's so good to see you both...together.** »

« **Octavia...** »

« **Bell, we only have a few seconds, no long speeches, I just want to enjoy being with my brother for a few more moments. I don't know if I'll ever see you again... But I know you'll be together in this test, and I know you're happy right now, at last. And this will help me. You deserve it so much.** »

« **I love you so much little sister. You have made me the person I have become. It's because of you that I'm here... Be happy, don't waste your time. Live life to the fullest...love...Don't put anything off, don't make the same mistakes I made. I'm proud of you, so proud of the woman that you have become despite the demons you had to fight. You are an exceptional woman O, never doubt it.** »

« **It's time.** » The man behind us says.

Octavia walks towards you and hugs you... « **Take care of my big brother...** »

« **More than my life...** »

She smiles at you, she doesn't doubt it...

« **Take care of Madi...tell her that I love her and that I am proud of the young woman she has become. I know I'm leaving her in good hands. It' s also for her that I am doing this, to try to give her a good future, without war or chaos...** »

« **I promise, I will accompany her as my daughter...Hope and I will take care of her, she will be our family. You can count on us.** »

You smile, with tears in your eyes, reassured and moved.

I notice that you have the notebook in your hand... You see my gaze resting on it.

« **Yeah ...I want to have it with me just in case. I don't want to forget anything. Maybe it will help us...we don't know what's waiting for us on the other side....** »

I nod and smile, I come closer to you and we both hug my sister one last time...

« **Mays we meet again** »...

« **Ms. Blake, please step aside in the back of the room. Ms. Griffin, Mr. Blake, step forward near the stone...and good luck. Mankind places all its hope in you...** » We simply nod and walk hand in hand. We turn against each other...a tear comes to blur your gaze. I tenderly grab your second hand and smile at you.

« **See you on the other side.** »

« **Together...** »

Love is a superhuman force, which no individual has control over, it can make us do improbable things, make you better or destroy you. In our case, it has made us invincible. Love is not our weakness, it is our strength. Together, nothing is impossible...It is not the end, I am convinced of that now.

Our lips intertwine, our breaths of life mix one last time in a luminous flash... The stone is activated...

**Author's Note:**

> And here it is... I am so happy to have finished this project so dear to my heart!
> 
> Thank you for reading me all the way through! Thank you for your comments, your votes! You can't imagine how much it motivates me and makes me happy!
> 
> By the time I finished this story, we were on episode 10 of season 7. Today I'm finishing this translation 2 months after the end of the series and I'm still frustrated and angry about this ending that doesn't make sense to me.
> 
> I have to accept it for the end of some characters like Octavia or Hope that I loved...But for Bellamy and CLarke who are the 2 leads...It's a waste! 
> 
> So I will keep this ending in mind.
> 
> For me they will remain the most beautiful soul mate story ever told in a movie or series... And Eliza and Bob are really perfect to represent these two characters who give us so many emotions! I'm a great moviegoer and a series addict and I've never really found an actress who conveys as much emotion to me as Eliza... She is really amazing!
> 
> Thanks again!
> 
> I've started a collection of OS if you're interested and I already have some ideas for other long dramas.
> 
> May we meet again...


End file.
